#raytism

I'm Ray, local fandom enthusiast

+ Masterlists under the cut

Name

Identity

Medical trauma

Medical trauma

Race

Struggle Vent

Overenthusiasm problems

Mean humor

Gender

So like in social media I never actually use my own humor. I spent 40% of my childhood manually learning how other people joke with each other, which I very very later on learned was a sign of my autism along with me having to learn how to interact and talk and walk and laugh and sit and eat and learn and all ekdndkdjdkdkd

But anyway as I said it's mostly in my social media presence, since irl people can see my facial expressions to tell that I'm 100% joking and laugh with me and they don't mind. Which is what I don't like about texting commenting, people can't get the tone you're imagining in your head and can interpret it so different. I have one (1) friend who never ever actually takes me seriously and even goes toe to toe with my mean humor (I'm looking at you Mich you absolute goat <3) and haven't gotten offended or misunderstood me for years now which is always a huge relief for me and a weight off my chest to not try to mask too much

So yeah since internet is already so prone to starting up drama and taking even lightest hearted shit that don't even look/sound mean/offensive badly and just want to hate on everything in general, I just don't use my humor at all. Which is a bit of a bummer. But I genuinely don't want people I enjoy the content/chats of to misunderstand me if I accidently do slip onto mean humor

Yesterday my sister and I were watching our show while having dinner in the living room. We asked our parents if they wanted to watch and they said no. My mom said she didn't care. We watched and had dinner and it was fine. Then we finished dinner and tidied up the place and I continued watching the show. By that time my brother also came into the room and was sitting with us. The show was on very low volume, I was watching, everyone else was minding their own business and occasionally chatting.

After a while my sister told me to turn it off, so I asked why. She said not everyone is gonna wanna watch it. I said, I know no one is watching it we asked and they didn't say anything. She said we should watch something everyone will like. I asked why bc no one asked for it or said anything. She said it's obvious, I asked how so. We asked and they said no, they didn't say anything about wanting to watch something else, they were all on their phones and didn't even look at the screen. After that my mom also piped up and said like yeah it'd be better if we watched something else. I said why didn't she say anything until now, and she didn't answer. My father then added like I said an hour ago we could watch a movie together around this time. I said I know, but you didn't brought it up again so I assumed you didn't want to anymore or changed your mind. Then they kinda said they expected me to bring it up. I said how would I know if you want to watch something else, or don't wanna watch my stuff, if you don't say anything at all. I can't read your mind. They all kinda just looked at me like I was the one saying something crazy. I turned the show off and just asked what did they want to watch. I also said we could have changed the show much earlier if they just said something else and no one elaborated after that.

So in conclusion I'm just left wondering how the fuck was I supposed to catch on that "social cue". And my family is, unintentionally or otherwise, making me feel like the dumb one for not reading their mind. Like they've done since I was little

I genuinely forgot how satisfying is was. It's been months since I've felt that regulated, nervous system wise.