i just feel a little bit stupid and a lot a bit scared.
in the same breath that he said “i would’ve jumped ship if I didn’t want to help you get better” it kind of feels like he jumped ship. i’m so scared this is the end of the first friendship i’ve ever felt truly valued in. i really feel like it happened.
i talked so much about being scared to trust him and put my heart in his hands because i didn’t want him to drop it, and now he’s holding onto it by a frayed thread and i am so scared. i did it again. i trusted someone. i let myself really really get to know someone and care about them and think for once in my life i am deserving of a family and i got too comfortable and now when i ask “hey is our break over? can we hang out again” he’s just gonna snip the thread. he’s not gonna find the care. it’s gone. (and i have to trust him not to do this, but not even he trusts himself not to do this he made me no guarantee that things will ever be the same again)
i’m too much for any person to handle and i’ll never have a support system. i’m the ground holding up everyone else’s support system but beneath me is just constantly shifting molten metal and nothing stopping me from collapsing in on it but my fear of ruining everyone else’s life.
someone has to do it, i guess.
and like: i get you don’t want to be my only support resource, bud, but you aren’t. you’re my best friend, and having that gone is what’s gonna freak me the fuck out. like.. the support you provide is easily received from others. the laughs? the time? the casual intimacy of caring & being cared about? that shit is what’s gonna make things get bad.
and like.. he says it’s what’s best for us!! and for me!! and i have to agree because am i supposed to say no? i’m terrified of losing him? but like
he also said the same thing when we “””broke up”””” like “oh it’s because i care about you so much i know someone else is going to love you more than me and i don’t want you waiting on me’ like no... this is for your benefit, bud... don’t.... paint it otherwise. i don’t mind sacrificing my own well-being for his benefit, but i wish he wasn’t so good at painting it like it’s helpful.
