i just feel a little bit stupid and a lot a bit scared.Ā
in the same breath that he saidĀ āi wouldāve jumped ship if I didnāt want to help you get betterā it kind of feels like he jumped ship. iām so scared this is the end of the first friendship iāve ever felt truly valued in. i really feel like it happened.Ā
i talked so much about being scared to trust him and put my heart in his hands because i didnāt want him to drop it, and now heās holding onto it by a frayed thread and i am so scared. i did it again. i trusted someone. i let myself really really get to know someone and care about them and think for once in my life i am deserving of a family and i got too comfortable and now when i askĀ āhey is our break over? can we hang out againā heās just gonna snip the thread. heās not gonna find the care. itās gone. (and i have to trust him not to do this, but not even he trusts himself not to do this he made me no guarantee that things will ever be the same again)
iām too much for any person to handle and iāll never have a support system. iām the ground holding up everyone elseās support system but beneath me is just constantly shifting molten metal and nothing stopping me from collapsing in on it but my fear of ruining everyone elseās life.Ā
someone has to do it, i guess.
and like: i get you donāt want to be my only support resource, bud, but you arenāt. youāre my best friend, and having that gone is whatās gonna freak me the fuck out. like.. the support you provide is easily received from others. the laughs? the time? the casual intimacy of caring & being cared about? that shit is whatās gonna make things get bad.
and like.. he says itās whatās best for us!! and for me!! and i have to agree because am i supposed to say no? iām terrified of losing him? but like
he also said the same thing when weĀ āāābroke upāāāā likeĀ āoh itās because i care about you so muchĀ i know someone else is going to love you more than me and i donāt want you waiting on meā like no... this is for your benefit, bud... donāt.... paint it otherwise. i donāt mind sacrificing my own well-being for his benefit, but i wish he wasnāt so good at painting it like itās helpful.Ā