#rawthought

other than testosterone and physical changes, something that i think i should address (and maybe this’ll help me come to terms with it myself) is ever since i came out to the people i’m currently staying with, i suddenly had this downward spiral where, now that i’m out and taking testosterone, i somehow felt as if i had to almost prove my masculinity twice as much and in a way it led to me starting to force myself out of also identifying/enjoying being this other part of me, an almost softer, feminine side of me which is really at the core of who i am too. and felt as if i could no longer be part of that community because i’m a gross man and things. it’s as if i got it into my head that those two things cannot co-exist, when in fact, they can. my journey through the LGBT community has been quite tumultuous, originally identifying as asexual (something i still guess i am but a little too proud to admit or care enough to identify as), then pansexual and then ultimately realising i was attracted to girls. this naturally led me to discover a community that i realised i quite deeply resonated with, all connected through one common factor and that is an unwavering and profound appreciation and love of women and it’s how me and my gay best friend connected back in y10 after she supported me through a very confusing time in my life and it’s been a friendship that i still continue to cherish and (if ur reading i fucking love u sophie, more on LGBT friendships in another post maybe) and it’s exactly this that’s causing my internal struggle as there are so many parts of the lesbian community that are ultimately part of me and relatable to me. as a trans guy, i experience dysphoria and ultimately want to pass as male and i am lucky in the fact that i pass quite well (almost too well if i can not so humbly say), even before taking hormones. i have always been quite masculine and essentially deep down knew that i was a guy. but this whole idea of toxic masculinity is getting to me and i have talked about it with a few of my close LGBT friends and they all agree i can identify as a male but obviously still relate to, say, the lesbian community in some aspect, but there is a certain part of me that i think i have to accept is due to societal conditioning that generally makes me feel like there is a certain mould i have to fit to be considered a man. i think it’s just because i look at this notion of masculinity and realise that there are loads of negative traits about it that i ultimately don’t want to be associated with, like being emotionally unavailable and gross, being a player, catcalling. i strongly believe there can be a balance, being in tune with myself, still listening to hayley kiyoko and whatever but also engaging in activities seen as masculine. ultimately what i want to be able to really comfortably admit to myself is that yes i identify as a male and i would like to physically present myself as male, but i can still embrace feminine aspects of myself and i just really don’t want to become an uncomfortable person to be around and i just don’t want to become a toxic man. i know i haven’t quite reached the part of me i wanted to reach in this post but hopefully progress and healing will let me uncover and set free this silenced part of me and admit that yes i can still do the activities i did before i realised i was a guy and still be a guy. the only part of me changing right now is my physical appearance. who i am personality wise will still continue to be who i am. 

Ego eats the inspiration God blesses me with. Sucks my blood till the pool is all dried up, stained with ego. A period long gone and long to return. 

There was far too little to talk about and far too much to discuss. The inquiries began steadily as my mind toiled on. Plagued by questions of how and why. What purpose something served, how an individual could be so.... simple. Baffling, all these questions were simply baffling. No answers came to me, they never did. Perhaps you know? Perhaps someone does, but until I can find them I will sit here in wonder. They truly are confusing creatures. Toiling away, day after day, unsure as to exactly why they do it. Is it for the money? The self assurance? Maybe even the praise from people they don’t know. Perhaps they need to do it for survival? Out of simple necessity. For what reason do you toil away? No need to answer me, only answer yourself. If you can. I still can’t, not entirely. One day, maybe...