#rasgat

and I went out with that guy again. It was nice and pleasant but ffs he’s really weird with anything borderlining any physical intimacy. Like, not even being gross about it, he’s just odd about anything, like gets awkward when he sits near me even. But that’s not my problem right now.

So, I have this habit of being overly self-sacrificing. For many, many years I’ve put the needs of others far before the needs of myself, and it’s really ended quite poorly for me. As in, got a therapist etc to help me combat this self-destructive behaviour. 

Now, the problem is that what makes this dumb boy appealing is also the thing that makes me struggle with this dumb boy. See, he’s shy and it’s so cute and lovely, but it means the I’m generally the one pushing conversation etc. And I don’t mind that because I generally don’t shut up. The problem is that he’s not... verbally curious. He doesn’t ask many questions, and I’ve kinda grilled him about not asking me about me, and his thing is “it’s not that I don’t want to know it’s that I don’t know how to ask questions,” which is cute. vv cute and awkward, which is again cute.

And by that I mean it started well and ended poorly.

I feel a bit awkward about sharing details of my life, even though they’re really not scandalous at all. I suppose wanting to work in a creative field it’s really something I need to push through, this idea of telling a personal story.

So, I went out with that guy from the other day again. We went to the Moonlight Cinemas as, and I told him this, it was my nefarious plan to get movie cuddling. It started very opposite, I wasn’t feeling awkward at all, it wasn’t a struggle for me to make conversation. I could tell he was feeling awkward as he was rambling (cute!) and generally being dopey. I even messaged a friend saying “I think he’s scared of me.” But after a bit it was fine, we got there and then were having a nice time. We’re being all cutsie as fuck and it was nice.

Anyway, the movie started, right as they plan when the sun goes down. At this point, it’s getting cold, so I’m all “keep me warm?” and he nicely obliges. Handholding and cuddling and all that good stuff. The plan is working. I even tell him that my plan is working. It’s cute. I’m cute dammit.

So. The cuddling continues. It’s lovely. It’s then that I notice he’s a bit apprehensive. So I ask him “are you okay?” To this, he rather loudly asks: “what are we?”

The girl behind us groaned loudly.

I say “watching a movie,” and he says “I mean-” and I go “I know, later.”

So. It goes on. I probably should have figured out that all was not going that well then, but I figure, he’s shy, I know he’s shy, and generally being the opposite, I don’t mind taking the lead. So I said something super suave like “you can just kiss me you know,” and he’s all *uh ooh um naah*ish, so I go “I mean, you don’t have to, I’m not going to force you to kiss me.” To which he goes “I’m happy here right now.” Which is kind of a blow off, right? But he’s still cuddling up to me, and it’s freezing so we’re joking around and trying to stay warm, so it’s fine.

It’s after the movie (which was Lion and which was great, if not too google heavy) that it starts to get weird. We’re walking back to the car, it’s a little awkward, I said I would drive him home so I did, and he’s increasingly uncomfortable. He’s talking about being a bit overwhelmed and moving too fast, which you know, if he’s not comfortable that’s of course fine.

However, I slept on it and now I’m kind of mad. Firstly, I wasn’t (explicitly) all “hey let’s bang” or anything, I was all “want to make out while watching a movie?” It’s a very high school level of intimacy. At first I was all “maybe he’s a terrified virgin,” which I actually asked him but did not seem correct, and he said that’s not it. I’ve never met anyone that terrified over what I personally consider a rather slight level of physical contact? But, like I said, I’m not going to boss him around or force him to be into me. I would guess that he just doesn’t like me, and in fact that would normally be my default response, but I know that’s not accurate because he’s messaged me today, and he gave me too much money for his ticket and was all “just make it up next time we hang out” when I offered him change. And for other reasons that I won’t go into. 

And the whole ‘moving too fast’ thing? I also don’t get that because he’s said several times “I like to keep contact going” regarding messages, which I honestly could calm down on a bit. He’s the one who added me on Facebook. And it’s got me thinking, that I’ve actually slid back into an old habit that’s terrible for me. I have a way of somehow taking on all emotional responsibility for myself, and it’s been something that has been self-destructive in the past, and I think I’m doing it again. I’ve done it constantly, and is something I’ve worked hard to avoid, but here I am again. I get that he’s shy, but it’s not like it’s particularly easy for me either as I’m awful at this kind of stuff, and it really just feels like he’s not making an effort and just expecting me to be the one to help whatever this is along. It’s incredibly unfair. It’s not like I want him to be my boyfriend or that I want to immediately jump him or anything. I like teasing him about being a mummy’s boy, but that doesn’t mean I want to meet her. I just want to know it’s heading in a general romanticish direction, because, quite frankly, I’ve enough friends.

I’ve decided that the ball is officially in his court. If he wants to talk to me, he can talk to me, but I’m not dealing with any of that shit, I’m not trying to find a time to hang out, he should be fucking trying to woo me or something. I’m smart, likeable, funny and delightful dammit. I’m a goddamn catch. I’m not going to try and get his attention, because for fucks sake, I’m sick of being the reacher in these types of things, for once I want to be the settler.

 I've been texting this dude for a little while - from Tinder of course because that's who I am. He's a bit of a dork, because that's what I like, and he actually seemed like a pretty nice dude. At first, it did not. Go. Well. 

We were going to go for dumplings, but he wanted to go to like a formal dumpling place rather than my usual fave of cheap China Town dummies. Like, the place was nice but he seemed very odd, stern and formal. I was clinging to my phone messaging @chapter-next because I was nervous as hell and needed a proverbial lifeline. I did apologise for being antisocial, saying I was in the middle of a conversation with a friend, which was true. I knew he was shy (also what I'm into) but I spent all of lunch getting more and more anxious and rambling more and more and generally being moderately uncomfortable. So I was super highly strung and this is where I get mean and short. I was a little put out that he didn't try pay - I never would have let him of course, but you know, gender norms etc, you have to at least try. I don't know why I even slightly care about that. 

 After this we wandered around a few shops, rather awkwardly. I've discovered that when I get particularly anxious I can't meet people's eyes, so rather stunted conversation ensued. Having stuff to look at and talk about helped a lot, but he was still fairly awkward too. I accused him of having resting bitch face and he was all "oh this is just how I look." Which as you can guess was again awkward. We kept wandering, and we were both getting calmer in each other's company to the point that there was some kinda flirting. It was not before he made a comment about getting the vibe that I wasn't interested. Which, to be fair was kind of true, but only because we were both being awkward as fuuuuuuck. 

 Anyway, then it started being fun and really enjoyable and I noticed how attractive this guy actually is, which is when I started feeling terribly ill. I was telling him a cute story about the deer ornament I bought, all smiley and giggly, and then a sudden wave of nausea and light-headedness. I later worked out that this is what happens when you're running on nerves because you're an Anxious Person and then they stop suddenly.