the smoke around him turns yellow under the dim street lights. jiminโs cigarette dangles loosely between his lips, his head bowed by the weight of silence around him until he hears the soft scrape of the plastic chair pushed against the ground.ย
the silence continues, and jimin wonders how long sheโs capable of waiting. the dizziness from the alcohol makes his head swirl, tangling up his thoughts to the point that he gets himself lost in them. there are waves that crashes against each other inside him, and he flinches from each collision. he hasnโt eaten all day so he hopes that nothing would come out other than whatever thatโs causing the storm inside him when the throws up.ย
โ์ด๋ ธ์๋ ํ๋ฒ ์ ๋ง์ ์๋ถ์ง ํํ
์์ฒญ ๋ง๊ณ ์ธ๋ฉด์ ์ง์ ๋์๊ฑฐ๋ ? ๊ทธ๋ ์ง๋๊ฐ๋ ์๋
๋์ด ๋ด๊ผด์ด ์ผ๋ง๋ ๊ตฌ์งํ์ผ๋ฉด ๋จธ๋ฆฌ ์ฐ๋ด์ผ๋ฉด์ ๋ํํ
์ธ์ง๋ง๋ . ํ๋์ด ๋์ ์ธ์ด์ค๋ค๊ณ ํ๊ฑฐ๋ . ์ง๊ธ ์๊ฐํด๋ณด๋ฉด ์กด๋ ๋นก์ณ. ํ ๋จธ๋๊ฐ ๋ญ ์๋ค๊ณ . ์๋ถ์ง ํํ
๋ง์์ ํผ๋ฉ๊น์ง ๋ค์๋๋ฐ. ๊ทผ๋ฐ ๊ทธ๋๋ ์๋ก๊ฐ ๋์ด. ์ด๋ฆฐ ๋ง์์๋ ๋๋๋ผ. ๊ทธ๋์ ์ ์ธ์์ด. ์ง๊ธ๊น์ง ์ ์ธ์์ด. ์๋ฌด๋ฆฌ ์ต์ธํด๋, ์๋ฌด๋ฆฌ ์ํ๋, ์๋ฌด๋ฆฌ ์ฌํผ๋, ์ ์ธ์์ด. ์ธ๋ฉด ์์กด์ฌ ์ํ๊ณ , ์๋ง๊ฐ ์๋ฉด ์ฌํผํ์์. ์ ์ธ๋ฉด ํ๋์ด ๋ ์ธ์ ํด์ค ๊ฒ ๊ฐ์์. ์ธ์ ๊ฐ๋ ๋์ ์ฐธ์๋ ๋งํผ ์ธ์ด์ค ๊ฒ ๊ฐ์์. ๊ทธ๋์ ์ ์ธ์์ด.โ
โ๊ทผ๋ฐ ๋น๊ฐ ์ ์.โย
ํ- he exhales, his hand crushing the empty paper cup. his voice cracks into a whisper, as if heโs having difficulty in speaking from all the unexplainable weight on his shoulders.ย
โ์ฐ๋ฆฌ ์๋ง, ์ํ๋ ๋ค ํ ์ ์๋ ์ฌ๋์ด์๋๋ฐ. ์ํ ๋ค๊ณ ์ํ๋ค๊ณ ์ ํ ์ฌ๋์ธ๋ฐ. ์๋ฌด๋ฆฌ ์ํ๋ ์ฝ๊ฒ ๋ ๋ ์ฌ๋์ด ์๋์๋๋ฐ. ๊ทธ๋ ๊ฒ ๋ณด๋ฉด ์ ์ํ ์์๋ ์์์์? ์ ํ๋ก ์์๋ฃ๊ณ ์์ฌ๊ฐ ์ฐฉ๊ฐํ์ค ์์์ด. ์ฐ๋ฆฌ ์๋ง ์๋ ๊ฒ ๊ฐ๋ค๊ณ . ์ฐ๋ฆฌ ์๋ง๋ ์ฝ์ํ๊ฑฐ๋ , ์์ผ๋ ์ ์ค๋๋ง์ ๋ด๊ฐ ๋ถ์ฐ์ผ๋ก ๋ด๋ ค๊ฐ์ ๊ฐ์ด ์ผ์ดํฌ์ ์ด ๊ฝ๊ณ ๋ฏธ์ญ๊ตญ ๋จน๊ธฐ๋ก ํ๊ฑฐ๋ ? ์๋ฌด๋ฆฌ ์ํ๋ ์ฝ์์ ์งํค๋ ์ฌ๋์ด๋ผ์ ๋ด ์์ผ๋ ๊น์ง๋ ์ด์์์์ค ์์์ง.โย
heโs rambling, his words floating around him like cigarette smoke. he has to let it all out since he doesnโt know where to keep them, since he knows heโll want to die as well if he forces them inside himself.ย
โ๋ด๊ฐ ๋๋ฌด ๋ฆ์๋๋ด. ์์ผ๋ง๊ณ ์ค๋ ์ ๋ด๋ ค๊ฐ์๊ฑธ. ์ด๋กํด. ๋ด๊ฐ ๋๋ฌด ๋ฆ์์ด. ์ด๋ก, ํ๋. ๋. ๋ ์ง์ง ์ด๋กํ์ง?โ
the signs are all there; his throat feels constricted, his eyes burning with all the tears heโs holding in, the way how his hands curl into fists whenever heโs trying not to cry.ย
โ์ค๋์ ์ธ์ด๋ ๋๊ฒ ์ง? ์๋ฌด๋ฆฌ ๊ธฐ๋ค๋ ค๋ ๋น๊ฐ ์ ์, ์์ ์. ๋ ๋๋ฌด ์ค๋ ์ฐธ์ ๊ฒ ๊ฐ์. ์ค๋์ ํ๋์ด ์ดํดํด ์ฃผ๊ฒ ์ง? ์ธ์ด๋ ๋๋ค๊ณ ํด์ค๋ผ.โย