“I’m not twelve,” I said defiantly. “I see you haven’t changed though,” 

He chuckled, amused at my boldness. A smile grew on my face and wordlessly we drew together into a hug. 

“It’s good to see you kid,” his voice was low in my ear. I took a deep breath, my body relaxing into his hold. 

“Good to see you too Red,” I said.

It was really good to see him. I hadn’t been back since I was a little tween caught up in the world of shadows that resided below the regular one. Maybe nine years? Ten? We didn’t talk much in the meantime—both of our egos leaving us defiantly silent. But when I reached out, he answered. And here we were. Nervous for the time spent apart. Nervous for the feelings that still lingered between. 

My old apartment building roof was a safe place to meet. I hadn’t lived here since, but it was common ground. A good place to catch up. I had taken the time to set it up just right: soda, pizzas, chips, blankets, a radio. Just like old times. 

We spent the time eating pizza and talking about so many things—avoiding others: what book series I had gotten myself lost in, what UFC fight Raph was following, showing off my new rescue cat, Raph yapping about mods to his motorcycle, how my parents were, where I’d traveled to in the space between. Easy conversation. It had to be for this to work. 

We avoided why I left, why we didn’t talk in the time between, and the damage it caused, how long we were angry at each other and when that faded to regret and guilt because we missed each other. Because as the hours went on, we inched closer together, like the gravity of the time missed pulled us together. But the night was winding down, but the presence of those topics we chose to ignore laid heavy in the air. They clouded my intentions and my own desires until it was all a mess. 

Though I was lost in my head, Raph always keenly alert, suddenly froze, going rigid. My focus homed on him. He heard something, his careful eyes pinpointing what was a threat to our bubble. My adrenaline spiked. Raph jumped up with such lethal accuracy. I scrambled up after him. Three shadowy figures dropped onto the roof. And still he put himself between me and the danger before us. 

“Shit. I swear this was not supposed to happen,” Raphael pulled out his sais, dangerous and well worn. 

“When does it not?” I mused. Tucked into my back pocket—knowing that something always happened—was a stiletto switch blade. Beautiful and sharp. The glint caught his eye. He hesitated, confused; impressed. 

“They’re robots this time,” he told me. I was shocked. Last time they were just trained ninjas from Japan or local from the city that Shredder found.

“What?” I said. 

“Some things change,” he smirked. Robots took away the moral implications. 

“Cool.” I smiled and twirled my blade so it faced out—ready to heavily maim some robots. But before I took a step, Raph was so fast. He had the three robots laid out easily. Not the hesitant unsteady gangly teenager I once knew; no Raphael was lethal and mastered his craft. 

“Damn.” I said, gazing at the sparking wires of the mangled robots. 

“I’m not twelve,” Raph said, grinning at me, using my line from earlier. 

“No shit,” I said. 

His eyes scanned the rooftops, looking for something, or someone. Were there more? Were we safe? I trusted Raph to keep me safe—not necessarily out of harms way but ya know, safe. I put my knife away and took a step closer to him. 

“I don’t see any others,” he said. 

“I thought the foot clan left when Shredder died,” I nudged the foot of a robot and it twitched. I stepped back. 

“Karai took over for a while, but yeah,” his brow furrowed as he spoke. “This is odd,” 

“Oh yay,” I said sarcastically. 

“You’ll be fine princess,” he said as my old nickname slipped from his lips. My gaze dropped, a smile and small blush creeping on my face. 

Girlish dreams flickered back but I stamped them back. He had found me at a time in my life I needed to feel safe and protected, and he made me feel safe. Like I had a place to be, where the people around me wanted me in their lives. A red string that began with him. It was a few seasons of will they won’t they that kept my head spinning as a teenager. 

Raph and I had never been anything except each other’s favorites. And then I left. And we just never were. 

“We should go back to the lair. Tell them what’s going on,” Raph said. 

“It’s fine. Just a couple of bots. You said yourself there aren’t more,” I deflected quickly. 

“Y/n, you’d be safer there,” he said. 

“It’s fine,” I pressed harder. He huffed and rolled his eyes, agitated. 

“Just let me take you back to the lair. You’ll be safe there! And we can figure this out!” He insisted. 

“No.” I said. Our defiance and egos reared their heads now. “I don’t want to go back.” 

“What? Can’t face your past?” His barb was quick. It wound me up so tightly. We’d avoided conversation topics for a reason. I was not going to be shoved head first into one of them now. 

“Like how you were such an asshole back then?” I said. “And looks like the jury is still fucking out on that one,”

He laughed sharply. “Oh like you weren’t a know it all with a fucking savior complex who thought she could fix the world if she just tried hard enough,” 

That one stung a little but it was true. It was enough of a call out to pull me from my pride and take a deep breath. 

“Fuck you Raph,” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “You really thought about that one huh?” I tacked on. 

“Too far?” He asked a little softer. We’d thrown all our knives it seemed. 

“Was true,” I said. “But ouch.” 

“Sorry,”

“It’s true,” I shrugged. “God I was insufferable,”

“A little,” he teased nudging my shoulder. “But so was I.”

“We were just kids,” I decided. “We didn’t know better,”

He nodded, lost in thought. 

“Let me take you home—to your new apartment.” he said as I was forming a case of why I really didn’t want to go back to the lair. A list of reason to disguise my cowardice. 

“Oh. Alright,” I said. “Thanks,” 

He nodded and rubbed his face. “Lead the way?” 

Now on a different rooftop, there was an awkward silence between us. I hated it but I didn’t know what to do to alleviate it. 

“G’night kid,” Raph said. “It was good seeing you again,” 

“Yeah,” I rubbed my arm. Our goodbye seemed final somehow and I didn’t want it to be. We were older—I was older, I could maintain a friendship even if it was uncomfortable. Couldn’t I? 

“Don’t be a stranger?” He said, catching my attention. 

“Yeah,” A smile touched my lips. “I had a good time tonight, all things considered,” 

“Me too,” He smiled. “Seriously. Don’t be a stranger. I’ve missed you,” 

“You too,” I said. And with a final hug, he was gone into the night. 

And life went back to my new normal. A job at a local restaurant that I could walk to, looking for places to meet new friends, taking care of a cat that was keen about her feeding routine despite being a street cat months ago. And Raph and his brothers were at the corner of my thoughts. 

The next time I reached out to him, it wasn’t to hang out. It was seemingly a normal shift at work. 

I heard the door open and started to say my hellos to the new patron when I paused, stumbling through my greeting, desperately trying to keep it smooth. 

“Dining in or taking out?” I asked keeping a polite smile on my face. It came out a bit squeaky. 

The Shredder gazed at the menu over my shoulder. If he recognized me, he didn’t say a word. And maybe he didn’t. I hoped to God he didn’t. Maybe I’d changed enough, maybe it was always dark enough when we encountered each other. The odds might be in my favor but the risk that they weren’t didn’t sit well with me. I took his order and darted from the front. 

“I’m making a quick phone call,” I told my coworker who gave me a strange look—and that was fair—I was out of sorts in a way my kitchen had never seen. I walked to the back with my shoulders hunched and heart racing. Holy fucking shit. Why did he have to walk into my hole in the wall restaurant? There were thousands in the city. Thousands. And he was twenty feet from me. The man who haunted my dreams for so long. Who led me to run from the city and the brothers in the first place. 

The call went through. 

“Y/n?” Raph was confused. “Aren’t you working tonight?” 

“Yeah listen. Shredder just walked in and ordered take out.”

There was a tense silence. “He what?” 

“He’s at my restaurant.” I hissed. “I thought he was gone!”

“He was! Is! Are you sure it’s him!?” Raph asked. I heard commotion in the background. 

“Would you like me to send you a fucking picture!?” I snapped back. “Yes I’m sure!” I was so aggravated that he didn’t believe me. 

“Okay, alright,” he conceded. “We’re already on our way. Just… be careful,” he said, his tone softening, the way it only did for me. The way we both took a breath signaled that we weren’t mad at each other. Just frazzled and frustrated by the situation. I could see that and so could he. We’d grown up. 

“I will. You too,” I said. 

“Did he recognize ya?” He asked, his tone still soft, concerned. 

“I don’t think so,” I said, worrying my lip. “Should I be more worried?”

“Just… give your kitchen a heads up. Do you trust them?”

I nodded to myself. “Yeah. I’ll… I’ll talk to George.” A smile ghosted my lips. Now was a good time to work for what might really be the mafia front. 

“Oh great let’s just start a crime boss war,” Raph muttered getting me to laugh. 

“I’m gonna talk to George. I’ll see you soon,”

“No ya won’t,” I could hear him grinning like he was some master of stealth I didn’t scan the rooftops for even in other cities. 

I found George outside, and I gave him spark notes of that I thought was going on. Concern grew on his face as his brown furrowed. He was a slight man but with a hardened face that warned not to be messed with. His Lebanese features were strong and his accent stronger. He ran a hand through his salt and pepper hair. 

“Is he still here?” George asked. 

“Yeah, he ordered. Should be out in like ten minutes?” I said. 

“Okay. You stay in the back. I’ll cover you until he’s gone,” he said very seriously. 

Gratitude surged in my chest. “Thanks George.” I shot Raph a quick text about what George told me. 

I hid in the back with Junior our dishwasher. I stumbled through an explanation in the mid level Spanish that I was learning. He nodded and let me hang out no questions asked. That was nice. I’d been here only a few months but my coworkers were becoming some of my favorite people. 

George eventually came back and found me. 

“He’s gone,” George said. “If he comes back you call me right away,” his tone was grave. I nodded. 

“Thanks George,” I said. 

“You coulda told me when I hired you that the Shredder has it out for you,” George teased. 

“It was ten years ago!” I insisted. “And I literally just moved back,” 

“Yeah yeah. Just call me kid. Now get back to work,” 

Fortunately the rest of my shift was uneventful—just regular restaurant and the stress and busyness that came with it. What I absolutely thrived in. 

————————————

“First the foot bots and now this,” Raph said. “I don’t know if I like it.”

“It can’t be a coincidence,” I agreed. “I’ve been in the city for a few months. I’m not some weird-shit magnet. It has to mean something,” 

Raphael and I were chatting after I got off my shift in the darkness of the alley. It was after George confirmed that I wasn’t walking home alone and I was okay. Even my friends on staff gave me wary looks and asked if I was alright. Their care for me had something warm growing in my chest. I didn’t want to dare label it as belonging. Not yet. 

“Come over,” He said breaking my train of thought. “Please?” As if he was ready to rebuttal whatever excuse I had. “It’s safer there and we can figure this out and…” he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “I don’t want to lose you again,”

Whatever argument I did have against going back to the lair—and the weird uncomfortable feelings that came with returning somewhere after a decade and seeing people I haven’t talked to since—absolutely died on my lips. He had said please. He never said please. Well he hadn’t ever before. And he was honest about his intentions. It caught me so off guard. As much as I really didn’t want to go back, I didn’t want to face the consequences of my decade old actions… if Shredder was back with the Foot Clan… the lair was the safest place for me and I didn’t want to lead them to my apartment. I didn’t want to think that they already knew where I lived. 

“Let me pack a bag,” I said with a smile. 

The way his eyes lit up was worth all of the discomfort in the world. I’d to anything to keep that light in his eyes. 

Over the years I had streamlined packing—moving every two years and couch surfing for a better half of six months would do that to anyone. So I had a bag ready in fifteen minutes and in fifteen more we were outside the lair. 

I hesitated. 

It was all so familiar and yet so foreign. Ghosts of my past self and haunting absent years enveloped me. She was so excited; to be apart is something bigger than herself. To find a place to belong outside of the world she was raised in. Bright-eyed and ready to make mistakes. 

Now I had to face those mistakes. Looking backward might be the only way to move forward. 

Regret and melancholy washed over me. I inhaled deeply, letting myself be. To be with those emotions, then let them go. 

“You okay?” Raphael noticed. “I know it’s a lot to come back,” 

I nodded, agreeing with his acknowledgment. It was a lot to come back. But not too much. We walked forward together. 

“Raph! Good you’re back! Donnie said Y/n packed a bag and—“ 

I stepped out from behind the terrapin and smiled. 

“Oh my god you’re here!” Mikey exclaimed. “Thank god! I thought we were gonna have to track you down!” He scooped me up into his arms and crushed me in a long overdue hug. 

“It’s good to see you too Mikey,” I laughed, tapping his arm so he’d let up. 

“Come on man she just got here, give her space,” Raph scolded. 

“Right, don’t wanna scare her off,” Mikey teased but there was something sad in his tone as he stepped back. My brows came together. Did they really believe that they were the ones who scared me off? That the brothers were the reason I left? Had they been carrying that weight all this time?

“You guys couldn’t get rid of me if you tried,” I teased but it was a bold faced lie. Our history proved that. 

“Haha right!” Mikey put of a brave face but I could see through it—he was itching to talk to me, to hug me again, but he had his excitement caged. He was calculated about how he interacted with me. It made my heart hurt. “Well I’m gonna let Donnie know you’re okay,” he excused himself quickly his head ducked down. I groaned and scrubbed my eyes with my hand. 

“Please tell me you guys haven’t spent the last ten years thinking you all were the reason I left?” I said giving Raph a desperate look from behind my hand. 

His lips pursed and he gave a little shrug that turned into a nod. My heart sank. 

“God, no,” I ran my hand down my face and shook my head. “No,” I refuted. “No, just no,”

There they were. All those feelings I’d been avoiding. The guilt. The shame. The regrets. The weight of it all. All brimming to the surface. 

“Raph,” my voice broke. “No,” my gaze turned from him to where Mikey disappeared and to a place I once called home. A place I loved. Tears welled in my eyes. There was no use stopping my tears. 

“I never hated you guys. Or blamed you. Or ran from you,” my eyes met his; they were glossy. “You were my friends. I loved you guys. I needed you guys. And leaving…” tears carved trails down my cheeks. “I can’t change it but I wish I’d never hurt you because of it,” I chased away my tears. “Raph,” 

He nodded, not trusting his own voice but he was crying freely now. Like his brother he closed the space between us and held me in a way that was long over due. I wrapped my arms around him and cried. There were so many things I regretted but not reaching out, not clearing the air, not alleviating the pain if I could have just set my pride aside was the worst sin I had. 

“I’m sorry,” I cried. “I’m so sorry,” 

He hugged me a little tighter. “Me too, I’m sorry Y/n. I coulda reached out. I coulda said something I—“

I nodded into his shoulder knowing exactly what he meant. I pressed my face into his shoulder. It was comforting. Familiar. It was where I belonged. He squeezed me a little tighter. 

We pulled apart. Raphael reached up and watched a few stray tears from my face. 

“We’ll do better from now on,” Raph said with a half smile. “We actually talk to each other,” 

I nodded and smiled. “I’d like that. A lot,” there was a warm feeling in my chest at the idea of always having Raphael in my life. To always have him to talk to. There’s nothing I wanted more. And I’d put in the work this time to keep it. 

“I… should apologize to your brothers,” I said, taking a deep breath. 

“You don’t have to do anything,” Raph assured me. “You’ve also had a bit of a night,” 

“Yeah, but they deserve to hear it.” I said. “I—I’m—“ 

“You’re too hard on yourself,” Raph soothed. “We were kids Y/n, teenagers,” 

“But I still hurt you guys. And look I know it was a hard situation. And I know there wasn’t anything we could have changed but… if I have the chance to make things right, I owe it to myself to try,” I said, gesturing in my state. My posture shrank. “I’ve… I’ve not really ever had a chance to make things right before… and I’ve lost—too much. And if I somehow get a second chance with you guys I…”

Raph nodded. “Okay alright, I get it,” he rubbed my arm softly. “And if you wanna talk about what happened…”

“One day,” I smiled a bit, the shadows of my past rearing their head. “Thanks Raph. I… I really have missed having you to talk to,” 

“Come on kid,” he smiled. “I’ll go get them, then you need to get to bed okay?”

I nodded, scrubbing my face. 

Raph was right by my side as I face the three other turtles. Donatello and Michelangelo were listening expectantly. I couldn’t read the emotions of Leonardo’s face. Regardless, I had amends to make. 

“Guys I’m sorry,” I said still watery. “It was never your fault. Me leaving. And I should have told you guys that. And I’m sorry,” my voice broke at the last apology. 

Mikey and Donnie have warm hugs and apologies of their own. Reconciliation was found there. Leo stood a cool distance away but he gave me slight nod. I wasn’t entirely sure if I was forgiven by the leader in blue but at least he acknowledged my apology. It was all I could ask for even if it sent a shard of hurt in my chest. I wanted it to all be easy but the reality of it was that it couldn’t be. 

Mikey and Donnie were chattering asking me questions wanting to catch up with the excitement I was expecting, but it all went over my head. I’d hit a wall mentally. Raph brushed them off for me and I mumbled a good night. So grateful Raphael grabbed my bag and led me to his room. His room has changed over the years—obviously. But there were still familiar posters on the wall, though new rock bands and movies joined them. It was neat—more organized. A few more stacks of books and comics. More gaming consoles piled together. And a bed that seemed to just keep going covered in a nest of blankets and pillows. 

I wasted no time to flop into his bed, covering my face with my hands. 

“You okay?” He asked knowing the answer from my body language. I let out a pitiful sound. “Yeah, sorry kid. Leo’s an ass. Always has been, especially about apologies.” he sat beside me on the bed. I peeked out from behind my hands. 

“He’s valid in his reaction,” I sighed. “Hell I’m surprised you even texted me back,” 

“Really?” He said. I sat up and nodded. There was a sharp pain of sitting up too fast behind my eyes. 

“Yeah, I didn’t know what you thought of me. What any of you did. I—“ a shrug fell from my shoulders. “You could’ve never responded and I’d understand,” 

“Of course I would have texted back Y/n,” he said so resolutely, putting his hand over mine. “And, you’re here now. That’s what matters. And you’re kinda dead on your feet,” he said, nudging my shoulder. “Let’s get some sleep.”

“Like old times?” I asked wondering if we’d share his bed or if I’d trudge out to the couch. Another fragment in our not quite dating mosaic. 

“If you want.” He said. “Or you can stay here and I’ll take the couch,” he offered. 

“I can’t ask you to do that,” I said aghast. I knew that couch would be okay enough for me—for Raph it’d be miserable. 

“I invited you over. I can take the couch,” he said in response. 

“Or we can share your oversized California king bed like adults,” I mused, taking in the vast expanse of his bed. “Seriously where did you get this bed?” 

Raph laughed. “Donnie engineered them. You remember where everything is?”

“I think so,”

“Lemme get you some towels and stuff,” he said getting up and going to his closet pulling down a folded towel wash cloth and hand towel. Wow. Very adult. 

Freshly showered and admittedly exhausted, I grabbed my phone for some late night reading and scrolling to finally drift to sleep. Raph came in and noticed I was in bed.

“It’s only like midnight?” He asked, confused. 

“Uhuh,” I said. “And that means it’s bed time,”

“You used to stay up way later than this,” he said.

“When I was fifteen,” I pointed out. “Now I enjoy getting to bed at a reasonable time and waking up before eleven,” 

“Wow. Okay,” he said, smiling a little. “We’re gonna run a patrol, I’ll be back in a few hours,” 

“Okay, I’ll be here,”

“Promise?” He kinda smiled at me. 

“I promise,” 

.

.

masterlist

.

.

“You came looking for me.” Raphael said with a smirk. “Time and time again,” 

“Who says you’re trouble?” 

He laughed. “Everyone,” 

“Not everyone,” I smiled. “But I have some questions. Well, one question.”  

“Just one?” He teased. 

“Will you tell me everything? I’m not sure I understand everything that’s happened and… I wanna know.” 

Raphael looked at me curiously, internally debating if I should know the truth—if I could handle it. I gave him a pointed look, crossing my arms and not backing down. I needed to know why this past week had been hell. Why he could take on six guys. Why he had to follow his brother’s orders. I had to know. 

He chuckled and rubbed his face, backing down. 

“Yeah, sure, why not,” He shrugged. “Come on, I’m sure we should get outta here,” His eyes scanned the crowd of people hovering near the scene of the fight. 

“Raph, Y/n!” Donnie came trotting over from the fray. “You guys, okay?” 

“Yeah, we’re good.” Raph said. “What about over there?” 

“All taken care of.” Donnie shrugged. “Apparently Officer Baldwin didn’t see anything and neither did anyone else… and since the assault last week that you didn’t press charges for, it’s all circumstantial,” 

“Oh,” I said, surprised. “Great,” that was such a relief. 

“Thanks Don,” Raphael smiled. “Wanna stay and watch the rest of the game?” He asked the both of us. We shared a look and Donnie and I both laughed. “Yeah, I thought so, come on, ya nerds,” 

We needed up in a little ice cream parlor not far from the school. They both argued when I paid for their ice cream but dropped it when I reminded them of tonight, and always having my back if I was honest. 

We found a booth in the back corner. I waited in expectation. 

“Well?” I asked. 

“Well what?” Donnie said.  

“I said I’d tell her everything,” Raph said. 

“You—what?” 

“Donnie, she deserves to know,” Raphael refuted. 

“She would also like to know,” I raised a finger and broke up the spat between the brothers. “You’re both my friends, can’t you tell me anything? I’ve seen what you guys can do—I… how? Why?” 

“We’re trained ninjas,” Donatello said. “The four of us. We saved New York, multiple times. Until the Mutant act, Leo has been our leader,”  

“I knew that, sorta,” I smiled. “I read the news,” 

“We patrol the streets,” Raphael said. “Keep an eye on things still, train…”  

“Keep an eye on me?” I raised an eyebrow, thinking of the other night. “Well, you’re our friend,” Donnie said. “And Raph’s right, you have a knack for trouble,” 

“I’ve walked home alone from my job at night for over a year,” I defended. “Nothing has ever happened.” 

“You’re welcome,” Raph grinned. 

“You’re kidding me,” I gasped. “No! Really?” 

Donatello nodded. “When your friends with me, with us, there’s always a target on you,” 

“That’s a little dramatic,” I mumbled. “And you guys are great friends… some of my greatest,” 

“Really?” Raph was skeptical. I shrugged. 

“Donnie’s a huge help in chem and calc, and Raph,” I smiled, my cheeks flushing as my gaze dropped. He also looked away, blushing. “You’re great friends,” my phone started to vibrate. “Speaking of,” I answered the call. 

Kameron was on the other side, I was barely able to hear her over the crowd. My eyes flashed to Donnie when he answered his own phone probably having a similar conversation. I let Kam know where I was and that I was okay. She told me to call her when I was home and I promised I would. 

“Leo wants us to head back,” Donnie sighed. Raph tensed. 

“Course he does,” Raph muttered. 

“You have to go now?” I asked, my eyes darting outside. I still had so many questions and not enough answers and I wasn’t sure how much I trusted the city right now. There was something sinister in her streets tonight. I didn’t want to be alone. 

“Yeah,” Donnie said. It sounding happy about it, getting up. I didn’t move. 

“Hold on,” Raphs eyes narrowed at me. “What’s bugging ya?” I didn’t want to confess my fears. They seemed silly. 

“Nothing,” I shook my head. “It’s fine,” 

“Y/n,” Raph pressed and even Donnie seemed concerned now. Damn them for being caring friends. “Do you want one of us to take you home?” 

My eyes met his and I nodded. I needed more time with them. I wanted more time with him. 

“Go ahead,” Donnie said. “I’ll get back and explain.”

“Thanks guys, for everything,” 

“See you Monday?” Donnie looked at me as he got up to leave. 

“Monday,” I promised. He left Raph and I alone outside the ice cream shop. I noticed Raphael flexing his hand. 

“Are you okay?” I asked. “Did they hurt you at all,” 

“I’ve dealt with much worse,” Raph smiled to himself. “I’m a little outta practice though,” 

“But you’re okay?” I insisted. 

“I’m fine sweetheart,” 

“Thank you,” I whispered. “For saving me. Again,” I’d say it again and again until I felt the debt was paid. Until I felt he really heard me. 

“Anything for you,” his voice was so serious and honest, my eyes flashed to his intense gaze. “And I’m so sorry that happened to you,” 

I shrugged softly. “I shoulda seen it coming. Coleman’s always had a temper.”

“Normal people don’t think about stuff like that Y/n,” Raphael said firmly. “So no, you shouldn’t have.”

We walked in the night air. I felt safer with him beside me. And it was nice to have a friend. 

“Can I ask one more question?” I said. 

“Sure,” he chuckled. 

“The thing with Leo… I—I’m not sure I get it.” 

“Oh. Um.” He said, hesitant. “It’s so stupid.”

“Yeah no I gathered that,” I teased lightly, breaking through his clouds of frustration. 

“When we first started training—first went to the streets to protect New York—Splinter made Leo our leader, someone to give orders so we’d work as a team.” He sounded annoyed by the fact. “But we don’t do that anymore. Not as much. And now Leo thinks he can still control every fucking part of our lives,” 

“Damn.” The idea of my brother telling me how to live my life and I was just supposed to follow him? No complaints? Not a chance. 

“Yeahp.” Raph said. 

“Well that sucks,” I said, getting Raph to laugh. 

“But he’s our leader,” he said with a snide smile. 

“Bullshit,” I laughed. “Fuck that.” Now Raphael was really laughing. 

“You’re the only one who seems to think so,” he said, melancholy shading his tone. 

“Sorry,” I said. He shrugged. “Not that I ever go looking for trouble,” I said. “But next time Leo makes an order about me—tell me. I um… would rather know and be pissed at the right person,” 

“Sure,” Raph smiled. We made it outside my door. I dug for my keys in my bag. 

“And you’re sure you’re okay?” Raph said. “I know it’s been a fucking week,” 

“I am,” I smiled. “Thank you, for everything.” I reached up and kissed his cheek. “I’ll see you Monday,” 

“Monday,” he repeated. 

I went up the stairs and closed the door behind me, grinning. 

________________________

Raphael walked home slow. Carefree. Thinking about you. The past week. The blur of emotions. It ended in a net positive he decided. 

Leo dropped onto the sidewalk beside him. Raph knew he was being followed for a while. He just didn’t care. 

“You didn’t come home.” Leo said. 

“I’m on my way,” he said noncommittal. 

“You keep getting into trouble Raph.” 

He rolled his eyes. “No. I keep protecting the people of this city.”

“You’re fawning after some girl!” 

“Oh like you haven’t?” He scoffed. “What is wrong with you man!? This isn’t just about your vendetta with me anymore! It’s Donnie! And Mikey!” He pleaded his brother’s case. “Y/n is apart of our friend group. So is Kameron. And… it’s normal. For the first time it’s so so normal. And I wish you could see that man,” Raph had never been so level headed before. But after a week wound up so tightly with anger and anxiety and having an outlet in that fight and calming down and talking over ice cream with you… he felt at peace. For the first time in a long time. 

“We’re not normal Raph,” Leo said. 

“I know,” he said. “And they know that too. But for the first time, we’re not freaks either,”

Leo was pensive then spoke. 

“You’re… different with her around,” Leo said. “I think this is the first time we’ve ever talked without fighting,”

Raph chuckled. “I’ve had enough fights this week.” 

“Never thought I’d hear you say that,” Leo smiled at his brother. “She must really make a difference,” 

“She… sees me.” Raph said. “And takes it in stride. And…”

“And you like her,” Leo teased lightly. 

“Yeah shut up,” Raph laughed. “Maybe I do.”

“Maybe?” 

“Alright fine fine! I like her! Jeez,” Raph laughed pushing his brother playfully. “Can’t a guy have a high school crush?” 

“Sure Raph,” Leo smiled to himself. “Splinter does want us home though,”

“Yeah yeah,” Raph rolled his eyes as they took off for the rooftops. 

.

.

Masterlist

.

.

Part 6

“You’re a godsend cuz,” 

“Yeah yeah, see you soon cuz,”

The flight into JFK was six hours with a layover in Atlanta but soon I was there. Away from the hell the south had created for me. April found me outside amongst the other cars waiting for pickup. With a quick hug and throwing my stuff into the trunk we drove off. 

“Whose car?” I asked skeptically, knowing a BMW was in neither of our tax brackets. 

“Casey’s parents. They let me borrow it.” April explained. 

“That’s nice of them,” I said pointedly. April rolled her eyes. 

“Shut up,” she laughed. 

With the traffic it was half an hour to Aprils apartment. My eyes lingered on the city skyscrapers. They still had me in awe. Part of me believed New York didn’t exist. It was a fictional place like Asgard, Wakanda, or Mordor. But here it was. 

Here I was. 

The sun set on the warm summer day around 9pm—something so odd for me but brought a smile to my face. It was the same country but an entirely different world. 

April left to drop the car back off at Casey’s parents and it gave me a couple of hours to myself which was so needed. Her little apartment had a guest room/office where a daybed was made up for me. I sat on the bed and took a deep breath. 

I was safe. 

I was far away. 

I was free. 

I blocked a few numbers just to prove it to myself. 

I wandered to the living room and found a home on the window seat, watching the city light up the nigh. 

April came back into the apartment a pizza in her hands and a smile on her face. 

“Guess who brought the best pizza in the city?” She teased. 

Laughing at her antics and a bit skeptic, I stood, going over. 

But there was a loud thud on the fire escape outside her window. I whipped around at the sound and froze. In the cover of darkness were massive shadows that loomed menacingly. 

“Uh, April!?” My voice wavered. “April!” My eyes adjusted to make the outlines of four anthropomorphic turtles. 

“Oh, shit!” April dashed in front of me. “It’s okay, these are my… friends,” 

“Friends?” I rose my eyebrows, staring wide-eyed at the giant turtles standing on her fire escape. “What the hell?” 

She opened the window and gave me a hesitant smile. “Yeah, this is Donnie, Mikey, Leo, and Raph,” Each of them gave a small wave. 

“April, who is this?” Leo, the one with a blue mask, asked. 

“This is Y/n, my cousin. She’s visiting for a few weeks,” 

“Well, welcome to New York chickadee!” Mikey said. “You gotta try the pizza.” 

I just stared still, trying to input the information to my brain. 

“Y/n?” April came over to me. “Are you okay?” 

“I… uh, yeah,” I gasped out. “I just need a minute to process,” I scrubbed my face taking deep breaths. 

“We mean you no harm,” Donnie said, raising his hands. “We are friends of April’s,”

I nodded. “Sure, sure,” I sat down on her window seat. 

“Maybe we should split,” Leo said. 

“Y/n?” April left the choice to me. 

“I… I just need a minute,” I repeated again. My eyes darted up and met curious green eyes—one of the brothers, the turtles. He was the only one who wasn’t on edge. He didn’t have a care in the world. “Okay,” I took a deep breath. 

“Okay?” April approached me cautiously. 

I nodded and came a small smile, my gaze darting back to green ones. “Are you sure?”

“I’m okay April,” I assured. “I’m an adult. I can handle this,” 

“Okay, because most people freak out,” 

“Well I am, but it’s cool,” 

“April maybe it’s better if we go,” Donnie said softly. “Why don’t you watch her up?” 

“I don’t want to ruin your night,” I interjected. “Or plans…” 

“It’s nothing. I was usually hang with them on the roof.” April said. “But you’re here,” 

“Go,” i chuckled. “I can handle down here. Ive got pizza and Netflix.” 

“You’re sure?” April asked again. 

“April,” I nearly snapped. “Just go,” I pushed her shoulder softly. 

“You can join us!” Mikey said happily. 

“Mikey!” The other three scolded. 

“Thanks. I’m just gonna stay here,” I said, forcing steady breaths in and out. Green eyes still held mine. He tilted his head in curiosity. 

“Okay,” April eyed me warily. “If you need anything we’ll be on the roof,” 

“Cool,” I gave a tight smile. 

They all disappeared up the fire escape except for Raph—those green eyes that wouldn’t leave me alone. 

“You okay kid?” He asked, leaning against the window frame. Without the pressure of everyone staring at me, I shrugged. 

“This is beyond weird,” I admitted, rubbing my face. “So… so weird.” 

“Yeah we get that a lot,” a sad smile pulled at his lips. “You really freaking out? Cuz I can go,” 

“This is kinda helping,” my gaze met his. He leaned against the fire escape railing and I moved to the bench next to the window. We were closer now than ever. 

“You’re telling me you’ve never met a mutant before?” He seemed genuinely surprised. I shook my head. 

“No, I… well, where I’m from we don’t exactly go looking for things in the woods at night and I’ve never lived in a city so…” 

“Huh,” 

“Are there a lot of you?” I asked. 

“Well, there’s the four of us brothers, but yeah a lot of mutants have come along now and again. Most of them are actually dangerous so… maybe be careful,” his lips pursed into a tight smile. 

“Noted,” 

“You are safe Y/n, we look after the city, and April. And if you’re her family it means you too,” his voice was sincere. 

“You just met me,” 

“Family is family,” his tone was bolder. “Aprils like a sister to us. I know she won’t let just anyone stay with her. You’re family. We’ll keep you safe.”

“Thanks Red,” 

“It’s Raph,”

“I know,” I smiled, standing. A smile quirked at his lips. “Go on up. I think I’m gonna turn in for the night,” 

“You sure you don’t want to join us? My brothers aren’t that bad,” 

“Not tonight,” I set the boundary. “But maybe soon,” 

“Soon then,” and with one last smile and wave, he was gone. 

I stared out the window for a good solid five minutes trying to rationalize what the hell had just happened. I knew New York was a different world from my own but this was not what I had in mind. 

Mutant turtles. 

Brothers. 

Friends with my cousin?

I might have cursed a little bit. Or a lot. 

Rationalization was an art. 

When I calmed down enough I texted April that I was in fact better and no longer freaking out. I attempted eating a bit of the pizza and I had to admit it was really good—New York style pizza was always the best. My mom (April’s aunt) had raised me on it. 

April came back down an hour later and I was just getting out of the shower. 

“I think I owe you an explanation.” She said. 

“That would be very nice,” I agreed. 

We sat on her couch and she began to talk. The past few years unraveled in her tale. Meeting the brothers—the small family. Fighting the Shredder and the Foot Clan. The other mutants and mutagen lost by the Kraang. The more she spoke the more I realized maybe New York City did belong on that list of magical realms… except it was a bit more real than I’d ever thought. 

“They’re some of my best friends,” She insisted. “They are really cool and nice. Once you get past…”

“The giant turtle part?” I mused with a smile. 

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I’m so sorry about all of this. I know you came up here for a break and this is definitely not easy to cope with.”

“It’s not,” I admitted. “But it’s better than what I left so…” 

“What the hell did you leave?” April was curious. 

Now it was my turn. My story of the past few years and how it all went up in flames the past six months leaving me lost, confused, and without a home for the first time in my life. April sympathized with me but it was hard. It would always be hard because I had walked through the trail by fire alone and the pain my burned heart experienced could never be described. But, perhaps it was enough to have April on my side. 

“You stay as long as you need,” she said firmly. “And if you need to stay a little longer and we turn that guest room into yours…” she offered. 

“I’ll think about it,” I smiled. “Thank you.”

Moving to New York was not on my radar at all… but maybe it could work out. Maybe it would be good for me. Or maybe it would just be running away and I was a coward. 

Or maybe it was both. 

I tucked those thoughts away. 

April took me around the city the next day. We did every touristy thing either of us could think of and fit into the day.  It was great fun and New York was enchanting. 

That night the brothers were back and I was a bit more—okay, I was less baffled this time. Still freaked out but it was better. I actually made it to the roof to hang out, wrapped up in one of Aprils sweaters at the unseasonal chill. 

The turtles tried to make me feel welcome but my brain was fighting shutting down again so it didn’t go the best. The one I had talked to the first night—Raphael realized this and didn’t give me an onslaught of questions. He just leaned against the same outcrop as me. We existed.

Going to grab another drink I heard an unfamiliar voice behind me. 

“Hey Red,” the voice startled me so I turned and swung, punching the intruder square in the nose. He fell to the ground, shocked. 

“What the hell red!?” 

“Casey!?” April ran over. 

Raphael broke out into laughter and I turned pink offering my hand out. The guy was grumbling and holding his nose letting out a few curses. 

“Sorry?” 

“Casey this is Y/n, Y/n, Casey,” April introduced as I helped him up. “She’s my cousin,”

“Do you just randomly walk up on people or…” I mused. 

“I thought you were April. Damn you can throw one,” he touched his nose gingerly. “Geez,”

“Sorry,” I said again, hiding behind my hands. 

“You’re telling me you can’t handle a punch Jones?” Raph walked up, creating a barrier between me and Casey—I was grateful for it. “I know I’ve hit you harder,” 

“Pfft. Whatever man,” Casey stalked off with little dignity. 

“Don’t let him get under your skin,” Raph said in a low voice. “He’s always pissy,”

“Is there something between him and April?” I asked watching the two of them together and thought back to the kindness his parents showed April. 

“He wishes,” Raphael snorted. “No they’re just friends.” 

I nodded. 

“You okay kid?” He kept asking me that question. I had the same response. A small shrug. 

“I feel bad. What if it had been a kid or something?” 

“I’m sure you’re too smart to deck some kid. An unfamiliar male voice coming from behind in New York?” His eyes met mine with a smirk. “You had the perfect reaction,”

A smile played at my lips and I felt better. “Thanks Red,” I nudged his shoulder. 

“Anytime kid,” his smile turned warm, real. “So I heard April took you around the city,” 

“Oh yeah!” My face lit up. “It was so cool. I—I love New York. I’ve always wanted to come, ever since I was little.”

“And now here you are,” he said. 

“Here I am,” I nodded. “Not what I thought it was gonna be,” my eyes scanned the three other brothers joking with Casey and April. 

“Yeah I bet we were a real curve ball.”

I nodded. “Not bad though. You guys are kinda cool and April just adores y’all.”

He gave me an amused you. “You’re totally still freaked out aren’t you?”

I laughed because he saw right through me. I didn’t admit it out loud but we both knew. 

“So, why’d you run away?” He asked, glancing at me. 

“What—how?” My eyes flashed to his. 

“Takes one to know one,” He smiled. “So?” 

“You a runaway?” 

He shrugged. “April lets me hide out too when I need some space.” 

“That’s nice of her,” I mused. “Guess she’s doin’ the same for me,” 

“So, why’d you run?” He asked again. My expression clouded. 

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” I said truthfully. “I—“

Raphael’s demeanor changed entirely. He wasn’t aloof and nonchalant; he was concerned and calm. “Hey don’t worry about it,” he smiled at me. “Enjoy your quiet then,” There was a loud crash and some yelling among the others—Mikey had spilled an entire two liter of soda and marinara sauce. “Well, as quiet as this can be,” He laughed. 

I offered a small smile and inhaled deeply, letting the ashes of my past be blown away with an exhale.

“Hey,” He called me from my sorrows. “If you ever want an escape and some quiet, no questions asked, you’ve got it,” Raphael said. “Just call. April’s got my number.” 

“No questions asked?” I mused. His lips quirked up as he nodded. “Thanks,” 

“Life is shitty sometimes, and an escape is nice,” 

“Yeah,” I agreed. 

My planned week visit turned into two weeks. Into three. Every time I thought about booking a flight back… I just didn’t. April was ready to give me her guest room, and to be honest I was ready to split the rent and call it. 

But could I do it? Could I leave everything behind because I was a coward? Because I couldn’t go back? Because losing this would hurt so much worse than losing what I had? 

I didn’t know and the thoughts were crippling. A thought came to me. I had gotten his number a week ago. And a promise the second night I was here. 

I picked up my phone and pressed call. 

“Y/n?” Raphael’s voice held worry. 

“I need an escape. No questions asked,” I breathed out. “Please,” 

“I’ll be there in five.” He said. 

I paced the floor, waiting for him to show up. His shadow overtook the window. I opened it. 

“Come on,” He grinned. “You ready?” 

“Where are we going?” I climbed out onto the fire escape. 

“No questions princess,” Raph smirked. 

“That’s not what that means,” I protested as we climbed to the roof. 

“Sure it is,” He grinned. “Come on,” 

________________________

Raphael got your phone call and nearly fell off the couch. When your strained voiced asked for an escape—what he had offered to you all those nights ago—he couldn’t say anything but yes. 

Here you were, on the roof with him, jittery, like you couldn’t sit still. He knew the rule was no questions asked, but he had so many. Instead, he led you through what he did when he needed an escape. He ran. 

“Keep up princess,” He threw over his shoulder. A predatory smile curled onto your lips and you took off after him. 

He kept pace so you could keep up with him but when he soared over an alley way you stopped, staring at him like he was crazy. 

“Raph there’s no way!” You shouted to him from across the way. “I can’t jump that!” 

“Yes you can! Trust yourself,” 

“Raphael,” You almost scolded. “If I die it’s on your hands,” 

“I can live with that,” He chuckled, fueling your fire. Shaking your head defiantly, you paced back before taking off and launching yourself off the roof, toward him. 

Raphael stood on the ledge and caught you, pulling you to safety. 

“Told ya,” He smirked, letting you go. 

You grinned up at him, panting heavily. There was s shine in your eyes and he loved it. You bounced back and forth on the roof in front of him, your hands coming up in a familiar position he knew well. 

“You ready to fight princess?” He mused, pulling his fists up. 

You shifted, settling into a fighting stance. “Bring it Red,” 

He laughed and the two of yo began to spar. He kept on defense, throwing a pulled punch now and again, letting you duck, dodge, and block. You two went back and forth, laughing and boxing—until he landed a hit and froze shocked. 

“Shit!” You laughed, dabbing your nose with the back of your hand. You didn’t stop though, instead you used his panic to deck him back, landing one on his jaw. 

“Time—time,” He called stepping back, not liking the blood dripping from your nose. You both relaxed. “Are you okay?”

“I can take a hit, Raph,” You said, smiling, cleaning the blood, tilting your head back for a minute until it stopped, completely unfazed. “Thought I definitely should have stretched before we started.” As if muscle memory, you began to stretch out your arms and shoulders. “Coulda let me know,” 

“How was I supposed to know you could fight?” He chuckled, trying to not watch you stretch, and failing now and again.

“I don’t very often,” You admitted. “But it’s a great stress reliever,” Raphael did a double take at your words. 

“Yeah—yeah it is,” He fumbled. 

“Normally I stick to working out,” You said finding a wall to stretch your shins on. “But this was fun,” You threw a smile over your shoulder. 

“You’re not scared?” Raph said, leaning against the wall. You shrugged and joined him. 

“I used to box with a linebacker, so, not really. He was a good friend,” Your eyes were lost in a memory. “I think you two’d get along,” 

Raph stared at you—you were oblivious, watching the city before you. Somehow, you showed up in his world, and you were everything he thought you weren’t. You weren’t soft and delicate—you had a sharp edge to you. You were a fighter—to blow off steam—to run and be free. You were like him.

He went and sat on the edge of the roof and you joined him, still panting softly. 

“It’s so big,” you murmured in awe. “I’ve always dreamed of coming here,” 

“I’m glad you came,” Raph smiled down at you. 

“Ya know. Despite all the shit that brought me here—I am too,” you leaned against him, your head on his shoulder. 

Raphael noticed you flexing your hands. They were raw from fighting. He called himself twenty types of stupid—his hands were always wrapped; he should have made sure yours were too before sparing. 

“You okay?” He nodded to your hands. 

“Didn’t break skin,” you assured. “Probably just bruised.”

“Don can fix you up in his lab,” Raphael said. 

“Oh yes,” a smile curled on your lips. “His lab in the completely not evil lair,” 

Raphael laughed. “It’s not that kinda lair—it’s home,” 

“Okay,” you shot him through the heart with your smile. 

“Okay?” He stammered. 

“Yeah,” you got up, stretching. “Why not?” 

As he came to the roof edge, going to cross you paused. 

“I can’t,” you said, stepping back. Raphael frowned and looked at you. You had done it before. “I’m too tired—my senses are off. Adrenaline is gone.” Admitting defeat sounded painful to you. 

“C’mere,”Raphael held his hand out. “I’ll carry you.”

You studied him, and he could see the energy leave your body. You took his hand, not having it in you to fight him. Raphael was grateful. He didn’t want you to purposefully fight him. 

He jumped from rooftop to rooftop with you in his arms, carrying you down to the lair. He set you on your feet and led you to Donnie’s lab. 

“Y/n! Oh my gosh,” Donnie nearly fell out of his chair and you managed a giggle. “Are you okay?” Judging the dried blood and bruised knuckles, Donnie didn’t miss a thing. 

“I’m okay,” your lips quirked up. “Just sparred with Raph, no big,” 

“Raph!” Donnie scolded. “Dude!”

“Oy!” You interjected. “It’s okay—I’m fine. It was…“ your eyes met his. “It was a lot of fun,” 

“Oh god, you’re just as crazy as he is,” Donnie muttered, examining your knuckles. “They’re just bruised, nothing broken. I can get you some advil and some ice,” 

“I’ll take the Advil—skip in the ice,” you said. “Thanks,” you took the meds and looked back at him. “I need a shower… take me home?” The way you asked him Mande Raphael lose his train of thought. He recovered, but not quick enough without your knowing look. 

“Uh. Yeah. Of course,” he fumbled. You said your goodbyes to his brothers and he led you back to the rooftops. You both walked this time. 

______________________

There was a nervous energy in my chest as we walked back to Aprils apartment. It was so easy to be with Raphael but right now it was so hard to form a coherent sentence. 

“You’re a good fighter,” he finally said breaking the silence. I exhaled and managed a smile. 

“Thanks. I… I don’t do it often—only when I’m really stressed.” I worried my lip, my mind wandering back to why I came to New York in the first place. “You’re fun to spar with,” I dared to look at him, begging to be brought back into reality. 

“You don’t think I’m too rough?” 

I shook my head. “You freaked out when you hit me. I think you know how to control your hits,” I chuckled and raised an eyebrow. “Or are you telling me you weren’t pulling your punches?” 

“I was,” he assured quickly. “I’d—I’d never—no,” He was very stressed about the idea of actually hurting me. I reached out and placed my hand on his arm in an effort to calm him. 

“I know Red, it’s okay,” 

His eyes met mine and he smiled. Raphael stopped and gestured to the nearest fire escape—I was home. I climbed down back to Aprils apartment and he followed me. 

“Thanks Red. For everything,” he was standing outside the window, so close but so far.  

“Anytime.” He promised. “Just call.” 

“I—yeah,” a smile touched my lips. “I’ll see you later Red,” 

“Later princess,” he saluted then took off into the night. I watched the window for a while before I meandered to take a shower. When I closed my eyes in bed that night I was still flying through the air with him over those rooftops. 

————————————

Raphael headed home, and Leo was waiting for him. Even his snotty brother couldn’t dampen his mood—Raphael was on cloud nine because of you—not only the time he spent with you but also all of the new things he learned about you were valuable. 

“What happened?” Leo asked, rather calmly. “You just took off and you bring her back here after fighting?” 

Raph paused. “I don’t know all of it. But she’s running from something and—I told her any time it was too much, we could escape, no questions asked.” 

“So you two just fought? That’s your idea of an escape?”

Raphael chuckled and shook his head. “It was hers. We were just running rooftops and all of a sudden she’s bouncing on her toes ready to fight—you should have seen her Leo, she’s incredible,” 

“You need to be more careful Raph!” Leo scolded. 

“She can handle herself Leo. And I’m not gonna hurt her. We were sparring—I pulled every punch,” Raph leaned against a wall. “You saw her put Casey on his ass on accident. She’s incredible Leo,” 

Leo was silent a moment but Raph didn’t care. He headed for the dojo—his adrenaline was long from being gone. 

“You like her,” Leo called after him. 

Raphael chuckled to himself, knowing his brother was right. 

.

.

_____________________________

“Pheromones” I whispered looking to Raphael. “That’s how he’s doing it.”

“Pheromones?” Donnie asked but I kept my eyes trained on Raph.

“They’re like... drugs, that make the mind give into instinct...” I stammered the explanation.

“I know what they are,” Donnie muttered. “I just don’t get why he’s not using them for... something more violent.”

“So, it’s a bad thing that he’s not using this for violence?” Raph mused, smirking at me. 

“Well, no...”

“And it’s not affecting us,” Raph pointed out.

“Shouldn’t they though?” I thought out loud. “Aren’t you guys like... more susceptible?”

“It’s not affecting you either,” Raph shot back. “Freak,” He muttered. I narrowed my eyes at him.

“I haven’t been above ground since it all started, it’s not in my system,” I snapped and folded my arms. “but ya know I can go up right now.”

“No,” Both Donnie and Raph protested.

I raised an eyebrow at Raph. He just rolled his eyes.

________________________________

We stared down Stockman on a rooftop on New York.

I looked over to Raph, and he looked at me. We were both ourselves, not under the influence of Baxter’s weapon.

“It didn’t affect us,” I breathed out relieved.

“Well, of course it didn’t,” Raphael rolled his eyes and smiled at me.

“Well,” I smiled. “It’s nice to know I’m not alone.” That had to be a silver lining.

“On the contrary my dear,” Baxter laughed. “If I am so smart to create this pheromone don’t you think I would have tested it on the brothers? No, I have one for Raphael specifically. This is what the two of you deserve.”

“What?” I glanced over to Raphael. His eyes were squeezed shut, straining against some unseen thing.

“Raphael,” I took a step away from him, my hands going up in defense.

It wouldn’t be too bad right? The pheromones just made everyone else zombies... I’d be fine. He’d be fine.

Yeah, maybe I wasn’t convinced.

“Run.” He breathed out before his golden eyes snapped up to mine.

It was a second for me to process but I was too late. In that second, he grabbed me and threw me to the ground. I scrambled up looking for a way out. I couldn’t fight him. Even if I had the ability to, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

“Raph, come on,” I pleaded as he stalked towards me. We were predator and prey.

“Oh, won’t it be so sad. He’ll kill you, wake up, realize what he did... Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo,” Stockman sighed amused.

From the corner of my eye I saw the brothers hop into the roof, making their way towards us. 

“No! Stay back!” I called, keeping my eyes trained on sharp gold ones.

“Why?” Stockman laughed. “He has no aggression towards his family... you on the other hand never were his family,”

I froze in my tracks. His words broke me more than anything else could. I’d rather have Raphael kill me than believe those words.

“That’s not true Y/n. You know that,” Leo’s voice was the voice of reason.

I didn’t particularly listen though. I was too focused on the terrapin in front of me. I knew he could kill me. Easily. He knew how to, in many ways probably. Not probably... he did.

“Leo, one of us isn’t walking away from this,” my voice was surprisingly calm. “and it can’t be him,”

“You both can walk away from this,”

“No Leo,” Raphael’s voice was calm, cold. “She’s right. She’s not walking away from this.” His velvet voice purred the menacing words.

“Raphael,” I whispered. “I know he’s in your head. I know you’re giving into instinct. Please for once Raphael, be yourself! I’m begging you!”

He came at me viscously and I dodged out of the way. He swept around and knocked my feet out from under me. I fell back, my shoulder hitting the ground hard. I let out a cry and flinched waiting for the blow...

But it didn’t come.

I dared to open my eyes and saw Leo, Donnie, and Mikey holding Raphael back, forcing him to the ground.

Getting up I panted, rolling my shoulders out. Something had to be dislocated.

 “Think think think,” I whispered harshly. “How do I get you out of this.”

“The stuff he used... it has to do with scents yeah? Instinct?” Mikey struggled as Raphael tried to dislocate his arm.

“Yeah,” I took a small step back.

“Then kiss him!” Donnie shouted panting from the effort that it took to keep his brother contained.

“What!?” I demanded. “How is that going to solve anything?”

“Look anger and love are very close together. Passion is passion. Instinct is instinct. You have to snap him out of it!”

The three of them wrestled Raphael to his knees. He still struggled against them, his eyes stayed trained on me, furious growls radiating from his chest.

“Raphael doesn’t...!” I cried. “He doesn’t love me!”

“Bullshit,” Leo snapped. “Even if he didn’t, you love him, don’t you?” 

“Of course, I love him!” 

It was the first time that I had ever said the words out loud. They seemed final somehow. Those words were what were going to make or break me.

“Then you have to kiss him!”

The golden eyes that once held fury were now petrified as he stilled.

“Please, don’t let her do that,” his voice was a begged whisper that went deep into my soul. “Please I’m begging you don’t let her touch me,”

My heart shattered at the desperation in his voice. Shards of glass that pierced every part of who I was. I wanted to give in. How could I go against such an agonized plea?

“Raphael, don’t you do that to her,” Leo hissed. “Don’t you dare. You are playing a sick game.”

“One that I have to lose,” I whispered tears streaming down my face as my eyes tried to find Stockman, but he was gone.

“It’s okay Leo... Let him win. I’ll kiss him... but he has to win.”

I took the steps forward and knelt in front of him. I didn’t dare to look up. I could hear the faint sounds of his panting and low growl in his throat. My heart hammered in my chest.

This was it.

“I never loved you,” his voice hissed. “You were always too slow, too weak. Your emotions make you weak.”

I met callous golden eyes.

“I’d rather be weak than never feel at all,” my voice broke. “I’m sorry I have to do this Raph.”

My eyes flickered to the brothers, who all had some sort of pity on their faces. I shook the thought and looked back to Raphael.

“Come back to me,” I begged and reached out, my fingers caressing his face as I pressed my lips to his.

I had thought about what it would feel like to kiss him. Just once. Not that I’d ever imagine it to be like this.

His lips attacked mine, the same passion he had before in taking me down in battle returned behind his force of the kiss. But I wasn’t backing down. Not from this fight.

My fingers gripped his jaw tighter as my other hand came up to stoke his cheek, the edges of his mask, his jaw, anything that I could reach.

His hot breath entered my mouth and I almost lost focus as his tongue met mine.

Maybe this was a cruel game after all. Because this kiss was everything I wanted it to be and yet... it wasn’t right. It wasn’t Raphael. Not my Raphael anyway. Not my friend... and not the one written on my arm.

I felt tears slip down my cheeks as I pulled away, leaning against him slightly turning my face from him. I heard him take a sharp breath in.

The feeling of regret washed over me. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have just let him kill me.

My hands fell into my lap where my eyes stayed trained. Until I stood walking away a bit, back turned to him.

“Let me go,” Raphael’s voice sounded strained. 

“What kind of idiot—”

“Let him go!” I demanded. “It’s fine. I... I already lost.” I looked up to the empty night sky. “I lost your game Stockman! Are you happy now!?” Tears streamed down my face as my heart wretched.

“Y/n,” Mikey tried. “Are you sure you want us to—”

“Do it.” I gritted out, trying to hold back the cries that wanted to escape.

Rough fingers found mine. I waited for the yank and drag down to the ground. For his aggression. It didn’t come. Instead it an easy tug to spin. I didn’t dare to look up.

Gentle hands caressed each side of my face. My eyes flashed up knowing these were my last moments. He would snap my neck easy. Or maybe choke me. His golden eyes would be the last thing I saw.

His thumbs brushed away the tears that were streaming down my face. I didn’t understand the gesture.

I closed my eyes waiting for death. The relief from pain that riddled my chest. But it didn’t come.

Instead he came back. His lips were back on mine seemingly picking up where our last kiss left off. The cruel kiss.

Though this one was just as rough it wasn’t cruel any longer. It was emotional and bare and raw.

I opened my eyes in surprise but left it all to reckless abandon and curled my arms back around him as he pulled me closer. I could feel the warmth radiating off of him. I whimpered into his mouth and he hummed a response gently stroking my cheek as if to calm and reassure me.

My anxiety ran wild not knowing if this was him or the one who wanted to kill me. When his hand slipped down my arm and to my waist using the leverage to pull me flush against him, I decided it didn’t matter.

I loved Raphael and I’d be damned if I’d let him wanting to kill me hinder that love. I’d be damned if I let a stupid tattoo stop me from loving him.

I heard someone clear their throat obviously somewhere around us. It was hard to differentiate because everything in my mind was blurred by Raphael. Every touch, every breath, every stammering heartbeat.

He pulled away however, his hot pants fanning my face. Both of our eyes were still closed as we sat there, foreheads resting against another, panting.

“Tell me that was real,” I whispered. “Tell me or kill me,”

“That’s a bit dramatic don’t you think?” There was humor in his voice, a sly smirk on his lips.

“Raph!?” I gasped.

“Hey there, sweetheart,” he grinned.

“Is it you? Please tell me it’s you,” There were tears in my eyes again. “I need it to be you,”

“It’s always been me hasn’t it?”

Though he said the words and they made sense in context I knew it wasn’t what he was referring to.

One of our first fights was because I refused to tell him anything about my tattoo. He saw right through my nonchalant lies and demanded to know who it was... I walked out instead of giving him an answer and it was about a week until I spoke to him again.

I nodded.

“It’s always been you,” I admitted defeat. “I’m so sorry Raph,” I whispered. 

“For?”

“What do you want me to apologize for? For kissing you? I’m sorry! For not letting you kill me? I’m sorry for that too! For ever having your stupid name on my arm!? I’m sorry! But I can’t apologize for loving you. Not anymore.”

“Baxter was right. You were never just family, Y/n,” He reached out and stroked my cheek. “You were always so much more than that.”

“Raphael don’t— don’t lie to me. Don’t play this game...” I whimpered, pulling away from him. 

“I’m not.”

“But how can... you don’t... I’m...” The cries that I had been holding back finally made their exodus.

“Will you stop crying and listen,” There was a slight tease to his voice, but it remained gentle.

I sniffed and looked up at him. He smiled, timid and unlatched the guard from his forearm and let it fall to the ground. He turned his arm over, palm up and I saw delicately etched into his skin...

My name.

“But... you said...” I wiped my eyes and took his arm, my fingers trailing over the letters of my name trying to make sense of it.

“I lied, I had to lie.” He tried.

“No, you didn’t.” My voice was hard and cold. “I’ve spent the last year trying to figure out why your name was on my arm and you had no tattoo! Do you know how scared I’ve been!? To know that I might lose you!? And you’ve kept this from me!?”

“Y/n, I’m... I’m sorry.” He whispered. “Please, believe me, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know...” 

I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Y/n,” It wasn’t Raph who pleaded to me, but Leo.

“Stay out of this,” Raph hissed.

“No, she needs to know,” Leo came up beside his brother. 

“Know what?” I asked hopelessly.

“It was my fault,” Leo spoke softly. “I’m the one who told him to lie... I gave him the order to. I wanted to keep you safe from us,”

“So, you lied to me? You made him lie to me?” I squeaked.

“We didn’t know Y/n, please,” Leo sighed. “Be mad at me, hate me, but don’t blame him. He just wanted to keep you safe”

My eyes met Raphael’s. I could see tears brimming into his eyes. This was it. What I decided to do would change... everything.

“Of course, I forgive you,” I whispered. “I love you Raphael, and God damn me for it, but I do,”

He let out a hopeless laugh and pulled me into a close hug, pressing his lips back to mine. I relaxed under his touch, melting into the kiss. It was slow and steady this time. We weren’t in any rush. The weight of the world didn’t depend on us.

He seemed to realize that too as he scooped me up into his arms, breaking the kiss and carrying me off towards my apartment.

“I really am sorry,” He murmured into my skin as we curled up in my bed. 

“I’m sorry too,” I whispered, stroking my name on his skin, marveling at it.

There were no walls between us now. We were bare to each other. No more dancing around the topic, no more stolen glances and awkward moments.

“When did you... tonight... the first kiss did it...?” I asked quietly. He smiled and stroked my hair.

“It did... by the time you pulled away, it was fading and all I could see was you... I clung to that. To you,”

I looked down and suppressed a smile, my cheeks flushing. His hand gently came up and tilted my chin back up so that I would look at him.

“Don’t hide from me,” He teased. “I love seeing you blush,”

“You make me do it so often,” I mumbled.

“I know,” He grinned smugly.

I made a face and stuck my tongue out at him. A playful growl left his lips.

“I think I told you not to do that,” He rolled over me, pinning me to the bed, holding his own weight so that all I felt was his warmth.

“Mmm. I think you told me to be careful about doing it,” I smirked, “but I’m done being careful around you,” I murmured, leaning up pressing a kiss to his lips.

He chuckled against my lips and followed me as I laid back, still kissing him. It was soft and slow, our breaths intermingling and our tongues figuring out how to dance with each other.

I small moan slipped from my throat as once again he consumed every thought and every sense I had. He matched my small moan with a light growl one of his hands trailing down my figure, sending a shiver down my spine—the other kept my hands pinned.

My breathing quickened and I had to pull away, my eyes meeting warm amber ones.

“You’re beautiful,” He murmured softly, pressing a kiss to my jaw. “Amazing,”—another kiss— “Smart,”—I turned my head to give him better leverage as he continued down my neck—“Sexy,”—kiss—“extraordinary,”—his tongue ran along my collar bone and a gasp escaped my lips— “and mine,”

.

.

I pushed the window open, throwing my hands up in dismay.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I scolded. “It’s raining, it’s not safe to be out there,”

“I had to see you,” Raph admitted sheepish as he ducked in through my window.

I headed to my small bathroom and threw him a towel or two to dry off, turning a light on in my wake. The gentle fairy lights glowed with the candles it accompanied.

“Gotta say, didn’t think your place would look like this...” Raph trailed off, his eyes taking in my studio apartment. “It’s so... cozy,”

“Thank you,” I smiled and stood by his side admiring my handiwork with him. 

I had made it cozy. My solace. My safe space.

“How’s your shoulder?” I asked, picking up my mug of tea.

“Fine,” He replied a bit too quickly.

“Well, you’re welcome to come and hang out... if that’s what this is.” I gave him a dopey smile. “I can make tea for you if you want.”

Raph stared at me like I had two heads.

___________________________________

“Not what you were expecting?” A smile played at her lips as she curled up in an armchair. 

“Not at all,” Raph muttered.

In his head he had this version of her.

Y/n. Her name forever engraved into his mind.

She was strong, confident, badass. She took no prisoners and always knew what to say. But this?

She was soft, and gentle, and he had seen it the other night in her concern. But what he saw before him, he wouldn’t have imagined. She was kind, and soft behind all of the edge and angst she gave off.

He almost loved it more, knowing that she offered both in who she was.

Y/n,

“So, what brought you around?” She mused, tucking herself under an afghan.

“It’s been raining, I haven’t seen you in a while,” He admitted again, taking a spot on her rug leaning against her couch.

A smile played at her lips and in the soft light, she was just as beautiful as she was in leather on a motorcycle. She didn’t make fun of him either, His brothers did. They thought it was ridiculous that he went to find her. Leo ordered against it. As if.

He had grown bored again with the rain coming down and he wanted to see her. 

“You haven’t been riding have you?” She asked, concern coloring her voice. 

“No,” It was the truth.

Mainly because he knew that if she found out, she’d have his ass for sure.

“Good,” She seemed pleased.

 ______________________________

Knowing sleeping had left my short-term plans, I uncurled from my chair and headed over to my record player and started the Bob Seger vinyl that I didn’t put away from earlier.

“You’re a classics fan?” He mused as the music started

“My mom was... I picked it up from her,” I admitted. “Now that I’m up do you want that tea?”

I made my way to the kitchen despite his answer and began to make another cup.

“You like classic rock then?” I asked back, leaning against the counter.

He had shifted so that he could still see me from my vantage point in the small kitchen. 

“Zeppelin,” He offered. “Though my vinyl collection isn’t as impressive as yours,” He muttered. I smiled and rolled my eyes.

“Why am I not surprised you like Zeppelin,” I laughed. “Find something more original, Bon Jovi, Meatloaf! Hey, you might actually like Meatloaf,” I paused in thought. “Not that I know what you like... it just seems like... a very you band.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He acted offended, but there was a smile on his face.

“I dunno,” I could feel my face flushing. “They just seem like... you.” I gestured. “I can let you borrow my record.”

“No, I can’t ask that.” Raph shook his head, standing in protest.

“You’re not asking, I’m giving it to you.” I smiled and offered him his tea as we both settled back in my living room area.

________________________________

Raph still tried to figure her out. There was still the fire in her veins that he had seen when he rode with her. This was that same fire, but in a softer way. In one that made him take care of himself, and that allowed her to be selfless.

She hummed softly to the music and sipped her tea absentmindedly, lost in thought he presumed.

“How is your family?” She asked after a while. “It’s been a while since you guys have done anything.”

Raph laughed.

“Yeah, there isn’t much to do anymore. It’s why I started to ride again. And we’re okay, I guess. Mikey has vowed to watch ever Doctor Who episode with Donnie and it’s taking them a while to get through it all.” Raph rolled his eyes.

“I should do that.” She murmured. “I haven’t watched it in a while.” 

“You like that nerdy show?” He raised an eyebrow.

A laugh bubbled from her lips. It was soft and carefree. Somehow, even though he wasn’t racing through the streets of New York, he still felt free. A sort of freedom that crept in slowly and comforted him like a blanket.

“I do,” She smiled. “You might,”

“You keep saying that,” He challenged.

“Oh?” A smirk grew on her face and a fire in her eyes.

“That I’ll like things when you don’t really know me,” Raph contested.

She went quiet, a smile still on her lips.

“Maybe I don’t know you that well, but I think I have a good idea of what you might like.” She quipped.

“Yeah?”

She nodded, her smile growing.

A clap of thunder shook her windows as lightning flashed. She didn’t flinch. Fear didn’t occupy her features. He knew Mikey was afraid of thunder, and Donnie didn’t prefer it, but she seemed almost at home among it.

_________________________________

“Tell me then,” I whispered. “Who are you?” I moved onto the couch and curled up on the side, waiting and listening.

“What do you wanna know?” His voice held a note of uncertainty.

“How old are you?” I mused. “That’s an easy one.”

“Is this twenty questions now?” Raph raised an eyebrow.

I chuckled. “That would mean yes or no answers, this is just... a conversation.” I decided. 

“Alright, but if you get to ask questions, so do I,” He countered.

“Deal.” 

“Eighteen, you?”

“Eighteen,”

We went on like that for a while, question after question. His favorite singer was actually Billy Joel; I hated the Beatles; he never thought to read anything other than magazines; I couldn’t remember the last time I had read a book; he had never been out of the state; I had been along the east coast on road trips; he hated spinach and cucumbers; I hated smoothies and tomatoes; he had four brothers; I had one.

“Where did you learn to ride?” He asked as it neared one am.

“My mom,” I yawned, blinking slowly. “She’d take me on her bike when I was little... my dad was a mechanic...” I gave a small shrug. “Why do you ride?” I countered.

“It’s... freedom.” He replied.

I nodded, knowing what he meant. It’s why I loved to ride. No one telling you where to go or what to do or who to be, you could just ride and not stop.

“Did you miss me?” His question came softly and hesitantly.

I nodded, my eyes slipping closed from tiredness. Talking to him like this made me feel safe and more at home than I ever had before. Like I was a child, curled up on a winter night waiting for Christmas as snow fell softly into the quiet of the night. A simpler time.

“I did. It’s not the same when I’m not around you... I looked forward to our rides.” 

______________________________

Raphael watched her eyes droop closed as the hours passed. He was on a high learning so much from her and letting his walls down over stupid trivia that had him laughing and her blushing.

But being up late tonight didn’t seem to rest well with her despite their late-night rides the week before. He wondered if it was the rain that lulled her to sleep.

It didn’t really matter what it was, she was all but fast asleep on the sofa above him. Peace washed over her like this, though no smile was on her face, a gentle expression rested in her features.

“Y/n?” He asked softly, standing and stretching. He loved the feeling or her name on his lips.

She hummed a response, not opening her eyes. He wanted to laugh.

“You need to get to bed,” He muttered, taking her mug and his and carefully putting them into her sink, very conscientious of the space around him.

“Too far,” Her voice grew jumbled. “I’ll sleep on the couch,” She seemed resolved about this.

“No, you’re not,” He smiled and shook his head at her antics. “It’s not that far, lazy,” he teased gently.

“M’fine,” She tried again, her words slurring.

Raph stared at her curled-up form and her bed that rested against the back wall of her apartment.

Maybe the rain had calmed him too, or maybe being near her had let him be someone who didn’t thrive on anger and deflecting, but he carefully lifted her from the couch and walked her over to her bed and gently laid her down.

She immediately stretched out and found her way under the covers, cuddling a pillow. Her eyes never opened.

“Thanks,” She mumbled, the faintest smile playing at her lips. “Tomorrow?” 

“Tomorrow,” He promised.

.

.