I Knew It, I Knew You
Raphael X Reader (second chance)
Summary: What would you do if you got a second chance to fix a pretty big hurt in your life? Ten years later, the city might have changed, and maybe you did too, but is it enough to escape the ghosts that haunt you?
A/n: So this definitely has potential to be a series if you guys want (or if I decide to do it anyway). Anyway, both the turts and Readz are aged up (25 or so) and this is just angsty and soft and i think I aboslutely love it because we all deserve to make up for our mistakes; or at least apologize for them.
p.s. no ai was used in the creation of this work and never will be.
There was a soft thud behind me. A sound I knew from a dream of a memory but I knew it all too well.Â
It still scared me though.Â
“Holy fucking shit Raph,” I cursed, turning to see the terrapin hiding at the edge of the shadows.Â
“Since when do you curse?” There was a smirk drawing at his lips. Even the sight of him, my adrenaline spiked from the fun and fear that wove into my memories.Â
“I’m not twelve,” I said defiantly. “I see you haven’t changed though,”Â
He chuckled, amused at my boldness. A smile grew on my face and wordlessly we drew together into a hug.Â
“It’s good to see you kid,” his voice was low in my ear. I took a deep breath, my body relaxing into his hold.Â
“Good to see you too Red,” I said.
It was really good to see him. I hadn’t been back since I was a little tween caught up in the world of shadows that resided below the regular one. Maybe nine years? Ten? We didn’t talk much in the meantime—both of our egos leaving us defiantly silent. But when I reached out, he answered. And here we were. Nervous for the time spent apart. Nervous for the feelings that still lingered between.Â
My old apartment building roof was a safe place to meet. I hadn’t lived here since, but it was common ground. A good place to catch up. I had taken the time to set it up just right: soda, pizzas, chips, blankets, a radio. Just like old times.Â
We spent the time eating pizza and talking about so many things—avoiding others: what book series I had gotten myself lost in, what UFC fight Raph was following, showing off my new rescue cat, Raph yapping about mods to his motorcycle, how my parents were, where I’d traveled to in the space between. Easy conversation. It had to be for this to work.Â
We avoided why I left, why we didn’t talk in the time between, and the damage it caused, how long we were angry at each other and when that faded to regret and guilt because we missed each other. Because as the hours went on, we inched closer together, like the gravity of the time missed pulled us together. But the night was winding down, but the presence of those topics we chose to ignore laid heavy in the air. They clouded my intentions and my own desires until it was all a mess.Â
Though I was lost in my head, Raph always keenly alert, suddenly froze, going rigid. My focus homed on him. He heard something, his careful eyes pinpointing what was a threat to our bubble. My adrenaline spiked. Raph jumped up with such lethal accuracy. I scrambled up after him. Three shadowy figures dropped onto the roof. And still he put himself between me and the danger before us.Â
“Shit. I swear this was not supposed to happen,” Raphael pulled out his sais, dangerous and well worn.Â
“When does it not?” I mused. Tucked into my back pocket—knowing that something always happened—was a stiletto switch blade. Beautiful and sharp. The glint caught his eye. He hesitated, confused; impressed.Â
“They’re robots this time,” he told me. I was shocked. Last time they were just trained ninjas from Japan or local from the city that Shredder found.
“What?” I said.Â
“Some things change,” he smirked. Robots took away the moral implications.Â
“Cool.” I smiled and twirled my blade so it faced out—ready to heavily maim some robots. But before I took a step, Raph was so fast. He had the three robots laid out easily. Not the hesitant unsteady gangly teenager I once knew; no Raphael was lethal and mastered his craft.Â
“Damn.” I said, gazing at the sparking wires of the mangled robots.Â
“I’m not twelve,” Raph said, grinning at me, using my line from earlier.Â
“No shit,” I said.Â
His eyes scanned the rooftops, looking for something, or someone. Were there more? Were we safe? I trusted Raph to keep me safe—not necessarily out of harms way but ya know, safe. I put my knife away and took a step closer to him.Â
“I don’t see any others,” he said.Â
“I thought the foot clan left when Shredder died,” I nudged the foot of a robot and it twitched. I stepped back.Â
“Karai took over for a while, but yeah,” his brow furrowed as he spoke. “This is odd,”Â
“Oh yay,” I said sarcastically.Â
“You’ll be fine princess,” he said as my old nickname slipped from his lips. My gaze dropped, a smile and small blush creeping on my face.Â
Girlish dreams flickered back but I stamped them back. He had found me at a time in my life I needed to feel safe and protected, and he made me feel safe. Like I had a place to be, where the people around me wanted me in their lives. A red string that began with him. It was a few seasons of will they won’t they that kept my head spinning as a teenager.Â
Raph and I had never been anything except each other’s favorites. And then I left. And we just never were.Â
“We should go back to the lair. Tell them what’s going on,” Raph said.Â
“It’s fine. Just a couple of bots. You said yourself there aren’t more,” I deflected quickly.Â
“Y/n, you’d be safer there,” he said.Â
“It’s fine,” I pressed harder. He huffed and rolled his eyes, agitated.Â
“Just let me take you back to the lair. You’ll be safe there! And we can figure this out!” He insisted.Â
“No.” I said. Our defiance and egos reared their heads now. “I don’t want to go back.”Â
“What? Can’t face your past?” His barb was quick. It wound me up so tightly. We’d avoided conversation topics for a reason. I was not going to be shoved head first into one of them now.Â
“Like how you were such an asshole back then?” I said. “And looks like the jury is still fucking out on that one,”
He laughed sharply. “Oh like you weren’t a know it all with a fucking savior complex who thought she could fix the world if she just tried hard enough,”Â
That one stung a little but it was true. It was enough of a call out to pull me from my pride and take a deep breath.Â
“Fuck you Raph,” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “You really thought about that one huh?” I tacked on.Â
“Too far?” He asked a little softer. We’d thrown all our knives it seemed.Â
“Was true,” I said. “But ouch.”Â
“Sorry,”
“It’s true,” I shrugged. “God I was insufferable,”
“A little,” he teased nudging my shoulder. “But so was I.”
“We were just kids,” I decided. “We didn’t know better,”
He nodded, lost in thought.Â
“Let me take you home—to your new apartment.” he said as I was forming a case of why I really didn’t want to go back to the lair. A list of reason to disguise my cowardice.Â
“Oh. Alright,” I said. “Thanks,”Â
He nodded and rubbed his face. “Lead the way?”Â
Now on a different rooftop, there was an awkward silence between us. I hated it but I didn’t know what to do to alleviate it.Â
“G’night kid,” Raph said. “It was good seeing you again,”Â
“Yeah,” I rubbed my arm. Our goodbye seemed final somehow and I didn’t want it to be. We were older—I was older, I could maintain a friendship even if it was uncomfortable. Couldn’t I?Â
“Don’t be a stranger?” He said, catching my attention.Â
“Yeah,” A smile touched my lips. “I had a good time tonight, all things considered,”Â
“Me too,” He smiled. “Seriously. Don’t be a stranger. I’ve missed you,”Â
“You too,” I said. And with a final hug, he was gone into the night.Â
And life went back to my new normal. A job at a local restaurant that I could walk to, looking for places to meet new friends, taking care of a cat that was keen about her feeding routine despite being a street cat months ago. And Raph and his brothers were at the corner of my thoughts.Â
The next time I reached out to him, it wasn’t to hang out. It was seemingly a normal shift at work.Â
I heard the door open and started to say my hellos to the new patron when I paused, stumbling through my greeting, desperately trying to keep it smooth.Â
“Dining in or taking out?” I asked keeping a polite smile on my face. It came out a bit squeaky.Â
The Shredder gazed at the menu over my shoulder. If he recognized me, he didn’t say a word. And maybe he didn’t. I hoped to God he didn’t. Maybe I’d changed enough, maybe it was always dark enough when we encountered each other. The odds might be in my favor but the risk that they weren’t didn’t sit well with me. I took his order and darted from the front.Â
“I’m making a quick phone call,” I told my coworker who gave me a strange look—and that was fair—I was out of sorts in a way my kitchen had never seen. I walked to the back with my shoulders hunched and heart racing. Holy fucking shit. Why did he have to walk into my hole in the wall restaurant? There were thousands in the city. Thousands. And he was twenty feet from me. The man who haunted my dreams for so long. Who led me to run from the city and the brothers in the first place.Â
The call went through.Â
“Y/n?” Raph was confused. “Aren’t you working tonight?”Â
“Yeah listen. Shredder just walked in and ordered take out.”
There was a tense silence. “He what?”Â
“He’s at my restaurant.” I hissed. “I thought he was gone!”
“He was! Is! Are you sure it’s him!?” Raph asked. I heard commotion in the background.Â
“Would you like me to send you a fucking picture!?” I snapped back. “Yes I’m sure!” I was so aggravated that he didn’t believe me.Â
“Okay, alright,” he conceded. “We’re already on our way. Just… be careful,” he said, his tone softening, the way it only did for me. The way we both took a breath signaled that we weren’t mad at each other. Just frazzled and frustrated by the situation. I could see that and so could he. We’d grown up.Â
“I will. You too,” I said.Â
“Did he recognize ya?” He asked, his tone still soft, concerned.Â
“I don’t think so,” I said, worrying my lip. “Should I be more worried?”
“Just… give your kitchen a heads up. Do you trust them?”
I nodded to myself. “Yeah. I’ll… I’ll talk to George.” A smile ghosted my lips. Now was a good time to work for what might really be the mafia front.Â
“Oh great let’s just start a crime boss war,” Raph muttered getting me to laugh.Â
“I’m gonna talk to George. I’ll see you soon,”
“No ya won’t,” I could hear him grinning like he was some master of stealth I didn’t scan the rooftops for even in other cities.Â
I found George outside, and I gave him spark notes of that I thought was going on. Concern grew on his face as his brown furrowed. He was a slight man but with a hardened face that warned not to be messed with. His Lebanese features were strong and his accent stronger. He ran a hand through his salt and pepper hair.Â
“Is he still here?” George asked.Â
“Yeah, he ordered. Should be out in like ten minutes?” I said.Â
“Okay. You stay in the back. I’ll cover you until he’s gone,” he said very seriously.Â
Gratitude surged in my chest. “Thanks George.” I shot Raph a quick text about what George told me.Â
I hid in the back with Junior our dishwasher. I stumbled through an explanation in the mid level Spanish that I was learning. He nodded and let me hang out no questions asked. That was nice. I’d been here only a few months but my coworkers were becoming some of my favorite people.Â
George eventually came back and found me.Â
“He’s gone,” George said. “If he comes back you call me right away,” his tone was grave. I nodded.Â
“Thanks George,” I said.Â
“You coulda told me when I hired you that the Shredder has it out for you,” George teased.Â
“It was ten years ago!” I insisted. “And I literally just moved back,”Â
“Yeah yeah. Just call me kid. Now get back to work,”Â
Fortunately the rest of my shift was uneventful—just regular restaurant and the stress and busyness that came with it. What I absolutely thrived in.Â
————————————
“First the foot bots and now this,” Raph said. “I don’t know if I like it.”
“It can’t be a coincidence,” I agreed. “I’ve been in the city for a few months. I’m not some weird-shit magnet. It has to mean something,”Â
Raphael and I were chatting after I got off my shift in the darkness of the alley. It was after George confirmed that I wasn’t walking home alone and I was okay. Even my friends on staff gave me wary looks and asked if I was alright. Their care for me had something warm growing in my chest. I didn’t want to dare label it as belonging. Not yet.Â
“Come over,” He said breaking my train of thought. “Please?” As if he was ready to rebuttal whatever excuse I had. “It’s safer there and we can figure this out and…” he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “I don’t want to lose you again,”
Whatever argument I did have against going back to the lair—and the weird uncomfortable feelings that came with returning somewhere after a decade and seeing people I haven’t talked to since—absolutely died on my lips. He had said please. He never said please. Well he hadn’t ever before. And he was honest about his intentions. It caught me so off guard. As much as I really didn’t want to go back, I didn’t want to face the consequences of my decade old actions… if Shredder was back with the Foot Clan… the lair was the safest place for me and I didn’t want to lead them to my apartment. I didn’t want to think that they already knew where I lived.Â
“Let me pack a bag,” I said with a smile.Â
The way his eyes lit up was worth all of the discomfort in the world. I’d to anything to keep that light in his eyes.Â
Over the years I had streamlined packing—moving every two years and couch surfing for a better half of six months would do that to anyone. So I had a bag ready in fifteen minutes and in fifteen more we were outside the lair.Â
I hesitated.Â
It was all so familiar and yet so foreign. Ghosts of my past self and haunting absent years enveloped me. She was so excited; to be apart is something bigger than herself. To find a place to belong outside of the world she was raised in. Bright-eyed and ready to make mistakes.Â
Now I had to face those mistakes. Looking backward might be the only way to move forward.Â
Regret and melancholy washed over me. I inhaled deeply, letting myself be. To be with those emotions, then let them go.Â
“You okay?” Raphael noticed. “I know it’s a lot to come back,”Â
I nodded, agreeing with his acknowledgment. It was a lot to come back. But not too much. We walked forward together.Â
“Raph! Good you’re back! Donnie said Y/n packed a bag and—“Â
I stepped out from behind the terrapin and smiled.Â
“Oh my god you’re here!” Mikey exclaimed. “Thank god! I thought we were gonna have to track you down!” He scooped me up into his arms and crushed me in a long overdue hug.Â
“It’s good to see you too Mikey,” I laughed, tapping his arm so he’d let up.Â
“Come on man she just got here, give her space,” Raph scolded.Â
“Right, don’t wanna scare her off,” Mikey teased but there was something sad in his tone as he stepped back. My brows came together. Did they really believe that they were the ones who scared me off? That the brothers were the reason I left? Had they been carrying that weight all this time?
“You guys couldn’t get rid of me if you tried,” I teased but it was a bold faced lie. Our history proved that.Â
“Haha right!” Mikey put of a brave face but I could see through it—he was itching to talk to me, to hug me again, but he had his excitement caged. He was calculated about how he interacted with me. It made my heart hurt. “Well I’m gonna let Donnie know you’re okay,” he excused himself quickly his head ducked down. I groaned and scrubbed my eyes with my hand.Â
“Please tell me you guys haven’t spent the last ten years thinking you all were the reason I left?” I said giving Raph a desperate look from behind my hand.Â
His lips pursed and he gave a little shrug that turned into a nod. My heart sank.Â
“God, no,” I ran my hand down my face and shook my head. “No,” I refuted. “No, just no,”
There they were. All those feelings I’d been avoiding. The guilt. The shame. The regrets. The weight of it all. All brimming to the surface.Â
“Raph,” my voice broke. “No,” my gaze turned from him to where Mikey disappeared and to a place I once called home. A place I loved. Tears welled in my eyes. There was no use stopping my tears.Â
“I never hated you guys. Or blamed you. Or ran from you,” my eyes met his; they were glossy. “You were my friends. I loved you guys. I needed you guys. And leaving…” tears carved trails down my cheeks. “I can’t change it but I wish I’d never hurt you because of it,” I chased away my tears. “Raph,”Â
He nodded, not trusting his own voice but he was crying freely now. Like his brother he closed the space between us and held me in a way that was long over due. I wrapped my arms around him and cried. There were so many things I regretted but not reaching out, not clearing the air, not alleviating the pain if I could have just set my pride aside was the worst sin I had.Â
“I’m sorry,” I cried. “I’m so sorry,”Â
He hugged me a little tighter. “Me too, I’m sorry Y/n. I coulda reached out. I coulda said something I—“
I nodded into his shoulder knowing exactly what he meant. I pressed my face into his shoulder. It was comforting. Familiar. It was where I belonged. He squeezed me a little tighter.Â
We pulled apart. Raphael reached up and watched a few stray tears from my face.Â
“We’ll do better from now on,” Raph said with a half smile. “We actually talk to each other,”Â
I nodded and smiled. “I’d like that. A lot,” there was a warm feeling in my chest at the idea of always having Raphael in my life. To always have him to talk to. There’s nothing I wanted more. And I’d put in the work this time to keep it.Â
“I… should apologize to your brothers,” I said, taking a deep breath.Â
“You don’t have to do anything,” Raph assured me. “You’ve also had a bit of a night,”Â
“Yeah, but they deserve to hear it.” I said. “I—I’m—“Â
“You’re too hard on yourself,” Raph soothed. “We were kids Y/n, teenagers,”Â
“But I still hurt you guys. And look I know it was a hard situation. And I know there wasn’t anything we could have changed but… if I have the chance to make things right, I owe it to myself to try,” I said, gesturing in my state. My posture shrank. “I’ve… I’ve not really ever had a chance to make things right before… and I’ve lost—too much. And if I somehow get a second chance with you guys I…”
Raph nodded. “Okay alright, I get it,” he rubbed my arm softly. “And if you wanna talk about what happened…”
“One day,” I smiled a bit, the shadows of my past rearing their head. “Thanks Raph. I… I really have missed having you to talk to,”Â
“Come on kid,” he smiled. “I’ll go get them, then you need to get to bed okay?”
I nodded, scrubbing my face.Â
Raph was right by my side as I face the three other turtles. Donatello and Michelangelo were listening expectantly. I couldn’t read the emotions of Leonardo’s face. Regardless, I had amends to make.Â
“Guys I’m sorry,” I said still watery. “It was never your fault. Me leaving. And I should have told you guys that. And I’m sorry,” my voice broke at the last apology.Â
Mikey and Donnie have warm hugs and apologies of their own. Reconciliation was found there. Leo stood a cool distance away but he gave me slight nod. I wasn’t entirely sure if I was forgiven by the leader in blue but at least he acknowledged my apology. It was all I could ask for even if it sent a shard of hurt in my chest. I wanted it to all be easy but the reality of it was that it couldn’t be.Â
Mikey and Donnie were chattering asking me questions wanting to catch up with the excitement I was expecting, but it all went over my head. I’d hit a wall mentally. Raph brushed them off for me and I mumbled a good night. So grateful Raphael grabbed my bag and led me to his room. His room has changed over the years—obviously. But there were still familiar posters on the wall, though new rock bands and movies joined them. It was neat—more organized. A few more stacks of books and comics. More gaming consoles piled together. And a bed that seemed to just keep going covered in a nest of blankets and pillows.Â
I wasted no time to flop into his bed, covering my face with my hands.Â
“You okay?” He asked knowing the answer from my body language. I let out a pitiful sound. “Yeah, sorry kid. Leo’s an ass. Always has been, especially about apologies.” he sat beside me on the bed. I peeked out from behind my hands.Â
“He’s valid in his reaction,” I sighed. “Hell I’m surprised you even texted me back,”Â
“Really?” He said. I sat up and nodded. There was a sharp pain of sitting up too fast behind my eyes.Â
“Yeah, I didn’t know what you thought of me. What any of you did. I—“ a shrug fell from my shoulders. “You could’ve never responded and I’d understand,”Â
“Of course I would have texted back Y/n,” he said so resolutely, putting his hand over mine. “And, you’re here now. That’s what matters. And you’re kinda dead on your feet,” he said, nudging my shoulder. “Let’s get some sleep.”
“Like old times?” I asked wondering if we’d share his bed or if I’d trudge out to the couch. Another fragment in our not quite dating mosaic.Â
“If you want.” He said. “Or you can stay here and I’ll take the couch,” he offered.Â
“I can’t ask you to do that,” I said aghast. I knew that couch would be okay enough for me—for Raph it’d be miserable.Â
“I invited you over. I can take the couch,” he said in response.Â
“Or we can share your oversized California king bed like adults,” I mused, taking in the vast expanse of his bed. “Seriously where did you get this bed?”Â
Raph laughed. “Donnie engineered them. You remember where everything is?”
“I think so,”
“Lemme get you some towels and stuff,” he said getting up and going to his closet pulling down a folded towel wash cloth and hand towel. Wow. Very adult.Â
Freshly showered and admittedly exhausted, I grabbed my phone for some late night reading and scrolling to finally drift to sleep. Raph came in and noticed I was in bed.
“It’s only like midnight?” He asked, confused.Â
“Uhuh,” I said. “And that means it’s bed time,”
“You used to stay up way later than this,” he said.
“When I was fifteen,” I pointed out. “Now I enjoy getting to bed at a reasonable time and waking up before eleven,”Â
“Wow. Okay,” he said, smiling a little. “We’re gonna run a patrol, I’ll be back in a few hours,”Â
“Okay, I’ll be here,”
“Promise?” He kinda smiled at me.Â
“I promise,”Â
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