#randomguy2015

I don't know what I'm feeling these days.

Happiness, sadness, regret, confusion...it all feels like watercolor splashed on a canvas, eventually being rinsed out by a dreary storm cloud of eh.

I don't know where to go from here.

I don't know what the future holds.

I don't even know if I want to see what it holds, or if I want to make it happen.

There's so much uncertainty, so much confusion.

Grad school, work, friendships and relationships, the list goes on

I don't know what to do or how things will work out, or what will happen if they don't.

I don't like the concept of starting over with people because I don't run into nearly enough to "replace" the ones I already have in my life.

And I refuse to see people as replaceable because I firmly believe everyone brings something unique and no one is truly replaceable. You just learn to get used to something different.

But sometimes you don't.

Sometimes someone leaves and the void is too big for anyone or any group of people to fill.

I keep seeing 444 pop up on my IG. For the number of people I'm following.

Granted, my therapist told me to not put much stock into my social media activity (and to the activity of others) but it's incredibly difficult not to.

Anyway, apparently it's supposed to mean protection or stability.

That I'm on the right path, or something like that.

Idk what it's protecting me from, but I haven't felt stable in weeks and I feel like I'm drifting in the desert mentally and emotionally.

Idk what process to trust because I feel like there is none.

The only thing giving me direction and purpose right now is lifting weights.

Telling myself I deserve kindness only goes so far.

Some days I feel like I don't deserve it, from myself or from anyone else.

Some days I feel like the only answer is giving up and shutting everyone out.

I just don't know anymore.

I just want some kind of indication that this is where I'm supposed to be and that I'm on the right path.

Some kind of indication that what I'm working towards is going to pay off in some way soon.

That the scales will tip in my favor too.

I've been consistently lifting since August, and I think I've found a program that works for me. So I'm going to document my journey here again, like I did a few years ago. Might just be for the year, but we'll see.

Right now I weigh in at 238 lbs. The goal is to get to under 200 by September/October. I'm going to get there by eating less (consuming fewer calories, eating more fruits and veggies) and moving more (walking more, moving cardio to after lifting instead of its own day).

My lifting is very loosely based off 5/3/1, but it's more of a guideline. I have 6 main lifts done once a week, 2 lifts each day. Squats and Rows first, Press and Cleans next, Deadlift and Dips last. After those, I do the accessory lifts. Push, pull, and legs. 5 sets of 10 reps. I change the accessory lifts every month, just to keep things fresh (might change that this year so that I can get some consistency with those too, I guess).

I'll figure out how my routine is gonna shake out later today. Right now, here's to success in 2023.

The Good:

I got a raise AND a promotion at work, first time I got a raise

I got on a plane for the first time since 2008

Visited two states I'd never visited before, and passed through a third

I saw the Yankees on the road for the first time (they lost)

I hit PRs for all of my main lifts

Renewed the lease on my apartment, and lived on my own for a full calendar year for the first time ever

Everyone around me is still alive

I got accepted into grad school

The Bad

Work is starting to be a real drag

My first semester was an abject failure

Still not as fluent as I'd like to be in Spanish

Overall the year was successful. Very successful, even. There's some things I need to do better, but I think I'm in a good place right now. I have a lot of things I used to wish for, and I can even build on a lot of those.

Home Workouts, Week 12: Handstand Practice