#random long post

"oh shit. it sucks." 

"oh, this drawing just looks really boring." 

"what am i doing? cant it be better?"

the thing is, i truly think my art is just... really boring. 

my skills? i dont have skills. i would say "they are decent." as a perfectionist, i would get frustrated a lot. sometimes, its not a good feeling at all the think "i must make this good" while trying to draw. and it always comes out worse because its never so natural.

i know that feeling where you want to be as good as someone else. i dont think i can say my art is bad because ive learnt that its quite offensive to say that. its not a good way of thinking to begin with, however, saying how bad it is, you know what i get? "thats an insult to other people" even if i sincerely think its bad i would still get "if thats bad then what about me?" its a bit frustrating sometimes, like, hey, i didnt intend to look down on you, i just really want to get better.. but anyway,

theres this amazing artist i know that i wish i could do like what she does because it just looks sooo good. always so powerful and much more colorful, better composition than that i could do. but i cant be like that. i just cant. or if i can then will that still be me? my own style?

i know we dont have the same resource and time. some people study art, some make a career out of that, etc. some would say "its not fair, i cant do that because i havent studied in art school."  well.. i never studied art, too.

buttt hey, its not that your drawings have to be full cg with that perfect shadow and lighting and massive background (i mean, if for the practice and if you can then good.) but whats the beauty, whats the fun in seeing that everyone is the same? what you're doing is.. unusual? unlike the mainstream? well good, you've got a style then. what makes you great and memorable is how unique you can be. idolizing someone is not wrong, but too much then its as though the same as living your real life, trying hard to be someone else you are not is not so effective somehow. its quite uncomfortable? in the end, you would spend your time pleasing other people and losing your yourself along the way. so ask yourself is that rewarding? are you satisfied? oh well, or maybe you are?

you know, when you think you're good enough already, there will always be someone whos better than you (lol). its like the truth of the universe. dont be sad, dont be jealous, just do your thing. is it not good to know you can improve more and more? 

perfection is so boring. it is like a dead-end.

art is not about perfection. and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I’m listening to this interesting podcast (episode called “The Shell Game”) that’s interviewing a slight of hand artist and old school conman, (now reformed). 

He’s talking about The Long Confidence Game: A con job, that takes multiple people to pull off, but usually has a point person. And he just said something so profound to me, as I stress out about Donald Trump and what he’s already doing to us all with his shady business deals and disregard for diplomacy. 

I can’t stop thinking about how Republicans in Congress let this man become their candidate in the first place:

“We call them Confidence Games because they’re built on the idea that I put my confidence in this sucker. You know? A real confidence game can only be done with somebody who has cupidity in his soul. Somebody that is larcenous in his soul. Swindles, you can do a swindle on anyone. You could swindle some old lady out of her savings, but that’s not the same as a confidence game. A confidence game is where you make somebody think they have an unfair advantage on somebody else. And they’re willing to take that unfair advantage of somebody else, and then they get taken.”

I can’t help thinking Donald Trump and his family/advisors Conned the GOP, and Swindled the American people. The GOP thought they were smarter than Trump and they could use him to push agendas and manipulate voters, so they continually: supported him then disavowed then supported then... rinse repeat, because they thought they’d be able to manage him, and that he wouldn’t actually win. But their culpability in fake supporting Trump, helped him Swindle enough of the American people that he could squeak out an electoral college “win” (IF that’s even legit). 

He’s a crook! An actual conman in a business suit. And we’re all going to feel the effects of his criminality for a long time beyond the next 4 years, I have a feeling.