#randalltheelf

Randall: Well, another year is done and I'm headed back.  Me: That's a shame.  Randall: I sense sarcasm, but I'm going to ignore it.  Me: Like you do most things. Randall: You know, you neglected me this year.  Me: Things got busy. You still had the run of the place. Randall: I think next year, you'd better be ready to spend some more time with me. Otherwise, I really will start my own advice column and share my vacation photos.  Me: You do what you gotta do. I'll keep your shoebox waiting for you.  Randall: Not going to upgrade me to even like a doll bed? Me: Nope.  Randall: Fine. Do I get a goodbye kiss? Me: Um... Randall: Just kidding. I don't want to make it weird. I'm out! Have fun in 2017, suckers! Don't get caught with your pants down! #RandalltheElf #HolidayShenanigans2016 #UntilNextYear

Me: Looks like you had a good new year.  Randall: So much wine! Especially since you drank all of the Fireball.  Me: No I didn't. I just hid it from you.  Randall: Whatever. I still got my fun on.  Me: I suppose that's all that matters. Where did you disappear to? Randall: Got together with some friends, played some Truth or Dare, stole some underwear, got into a bar fight.  Me: Oh good grief.  Randall: I didn't start it, I just finished it.  Me: I can't imagine how you didn't get your butt kicked.  Randall: It was less of a fight really. More like a debate. Me: So not a fight at all.  Randall: I verbally sparred with another elf.  Me: How many elves were out last night? Randall: Enough of us to have some really good blackmail photos to use next holiday season. Me: I don't know whether to kick you or give you credit for planning for the future.  Randall: There's a lot I could teach you, young grasshopper.  #RandalltheElf #HolidayShenanigans2016

Randall: This shoebox you gave me is actually pretty comfy.  Me: That's good I guess. Randall: It's not great for sleepovers though. Me: I never said you could have overnight guests. Randall: I'm a grown elf. I do what I want. Me: Dude, I do not want any elf shenanigans going on in this house. Randall: I tried getting a gig at the Playboy Mansion. That just didn't pan out. Me: That doesn't mean you can bring your frivolity here. Randall: You can't stop my frivolity! My frivolity cannot be caged! Me: No, but your shoebox can be closed and taped shut, so... Randall: You are seriously the worst. #RandalltheElf #HolidayShenanigans2017

Randall: Have I ever told you that you're my favorite person in the world? Me: You're drunk, aren't you? Randall: Noooo! Well...yeah, a little bit. But it's Christmas! Everyone is drunk! Me: I'm not drunk. Randall: You should be. Me: I'm saving it up for New Years. Randall: Oh yeah...what are we doing for New Years? Me: You're staying home. I'm doing something fun. Randall: Take me with you! Me: No. Randall: Please? Me: I'll think about it. Randall: Oh thank you! I love you so much! Me: Go sleep it off, man. Randall: Okay.   #RandalltheElf #HolidayShenanigans2016

Dear Randall Everyone in my family is on the opposite side of politics than I am, and it's caused several fights. I really just want them to shut up about it. I'm tired of arguing. But every time I visit them, they have to bring up how wrong I am. What should I do? - No More Politics Dear NMP,  Politics is one of the worst things to discuss around the holidays. Or anytime really. The only way to really handle this is to refuse to engage in discussion. Ignore any talk of politics. At least directly.  Go to the family gathering prepared with two sock puppets styled after the two political candidates that everyone is fighting over. Anytime political discussion is brought up, speak only through your sock puppets. Try to use both puppets in your own fake arguments. Put on a show for the whole family, but remember...the only one you really have to amuse is yourself.  If it seems ridiculous, remember that many aspects of politics are just as ridiculous. Just go with the flow.  #RandalltheElf #HolidayShenanigans2016 #AskRandall

Randall: I'm going to make someone a fabulous present.  Me: You're not a gift. You're a curse.  Randall: Am not. I bring so much joy into your life, you can't even handle it.  Me: You know what? You're right. Let me wrap you up and give you to someone else.  Randall: Okay, but don't wrap me all the way. I'm claustrophobic.  Me: So that time I shoved you in a tiny box was really uncomfortable for you? Randall: Yes, but plotting my revenge helped. Was all that Ex-Lax I put in your tacos uncomfortable for you? Me: What? Randall: What? #RandalltheElf #HolidayShenanigans2016

Randall: Can we watch a movie? Me: Sure. What do you want to watch?  Randall: Magic Mike looks fun.  Me: I just watched that. Randall: Trick R Treat? Me: Wrong season. Randall: Fine. Pick whatever you want as long as it's not Krampus. Me: Krampus it is! Randall: I said NOT Krampus. Me: It's Christmas and Krampus is a Christmas movie. What's your deal?  Randall: We're not supposed to talk about him. Me: Ooh. Because he's like the opposite of Santa and kind of mean? Randall: No, because when he visits, he's like the guest that never goes home. And he smells funny. Me: Did he ever put you in his sack and beat you with reeds? Randall: Once. But that was mild torture compared to having to spend the holidays with you. Me: *punts* Randall: Take a joke...ouch!  #RandalltheElf #HolidayShenanigans2016

Dear Randall,  How do I get a promotion? - Not Yet Disgruntled Dear Not Yet Disgruntled,  There are a few avenues you can take to getting a great promotion. The one I recommend most is blackmail. A Google search and a well planned happy hour with co-workers can yield treasure in the form of information your boss probably doesn't want anyone to know. Use that to your advantage. Spend some time collecting their dirtiest and darkest secrets and then record then in a manner that is easy to distribute, such as a draft blog post or a handwritten letter to the local newspaper.  Next, set up a meeting with your boss and tell them what will happen if they don't give you that promotion. They may be hard to convince at first. They may say things like, "You can't do that!" or "What you're doing is illegal!" They may also offer up unfounded threats like "I'll make you pay for this." Stay the course, though. Be assertive and that promotion will be yours.  I suppose if you want to be a loser and rely on hard work and dedication to your job, that's also an option. I don't recommend it though. Once people know how far you're willing to go to get what you want, they tend to stay out of your way, making that climb to the top that much easier.  -Randall #RandalltheElf #HolidayShenanigans2016 #AskRandall