#ramble....

so earlier this week i was feeling veryyyy suicidal and passionless and hopeless and all those fun things. but im finally starting to feel a bit better now and i feel somewhat stable and ok, but im still not feeling entirely passionate about anything, which is a problem for me. bc it means a lot to me to have a passion in life and purpose and when i am lacking that its hard for me to do anything or feel anything. SO 

idk what i really wanted to say other than that i miss that feeling of wanting something and being excited about things. its honestly probably a side effect of being in love with someone who isn’t in love with you. 

anyway im trying to bring that feeling back into my life, the feeling of having something to look forward to and work towards. i just wish i knew what it was. i know that art is everything to me and i want to pursue that, but idk what kind of art is really good for my soul and what kind of art makes me excited to be alive. 

i thought it was music, and i still do get excited about it sometimes but most of the time its really hard for me to get myself to work on it. although when i finished my first song ever, i felt amazing. and i rarely feel that way with any of my art so i feel like thats a good sign. 

and then theres acting, which i struggled a lot with. but im a changed and different person now. im more confident in myself these days, and im less afraid of how people see me. although i know it would still be a huge fucking challenge for me, it might be something i want to work on.

and then finally theres other kinds of art that mean a lot to me like writing, and sculpting/making things. writing will always be a huge part of my life. sculpting has become something i enjoy as well. 

i think i just need to follow my gut when it comes to art, and do what makes me feel good. like music writing and making in general, (acting has always made me feel bad about myself but i do think that i could try again and see how i am with it now.) but that feeling when i finish something and i actually feel proud of it is so rare that when i do feel it i think i should really follow it. and ive felt that with writing and music and even sculpting. but things like painting for example has always caused me distress because i can never be satisfied with it, and i know thats not a good thing but its never really brought me a lot of joy so i think its honestly a good thing if i just stop pressuring myself to try it out just because i like other peoples paintings and want to be like them. 

ultimately i think about lifestyle and what would bring me the most happiness, i think music has always been my biggest dream, but damn why is it so hard to just sit down and work especially on things that you supposedly love? why does it take so much effort to even start?

ok so there’s been an ongoing debate (literally since WINTER TIME) about the whole miyuki and zono fight and i just wanna say: this entire scene is a total grey area. in this situation, i think neither sides were wrong, however both sides showed their opinions in the wrong way. 

miyuki as we all know has always had this “me, myself, and i” mentality because of how he grew up and didn’t have anyone with him. he was even treated terribly by his old teammates when he was younger so i can only imagine that this left him with the mentality of “every man for himself”. miyuki is competitive and at the same time he is stubborn- i view this as his good yet bad qualities. (like they’re good when the time is right but in this case, these show his flaws).  zono on the otherhand, he is definitely a lot more emotional and sensitive than miyuki. miyuki was 1st string in his 1st year while zono had to endure and struggle in order to make it to the 1st string by his second year. i do agree that when he charged at miyuki and grabbed him by the collar was unnecessary. however, zono was trying to make a point to miyuki who at the time was stubborn. miyuki in this scene was only wrong because he failed to realize that 1. baseball is a team sport, inashiro only lost to ugumori only because the new team did not mesh well together and only honed their individual skill. miyuki didn’t say anything about this. he just said “the team didn’t mesh well” but never said anything about the actual teamwork.  despite how in this show, the boys train really hard and compete against each other, they also train really hard on how to work together which is what miyuki forgot about in this scene. 2. miyuki as captain should’ve listened to nabe throughout instead of making false assumptions and acting as if he knew everything. like zono said, as captain you’re supposed to guide the team through their fears and worries. i know that miyuki is still a beginner in this whole “new captain” thing but the whole thing with nabe was pretty out of line. but that’s ok, (spoiler: he gets better and learns from his mistakes and eventually apologizes to nabe). miyuki made his mistake because of his background,inexperience, and arrogance.