#ramadanthoughts

A mix of both, like I don’t feel bloated as per se but for the past few days I’m getting obsess into getting the right macros. And even having a desert bowl isn’t as enjoyable as it was in the beginning.

Since I’m not having my usual snacks during the day it’s pushing me to have a small bowl at night somehow. I feel guilty to feel like that. It’s like I’m turning Ramadan into a macros tracking goals + training + work life while optimising my good deeds for Ramadan. In which I feel even more guilty how I can squeeze that much of my religious faith into Ramadan but not before Ramadan.

I feel behind in a lot, I finished this “week” with shifts and started Ramadan. I feel like my workload is unbalanced, I feel overwhelmed with what I do, how I do it, and why I do it. I enjoy working with children, they bring me joy in a way I can’t explain sometimes. I had an epiphany for the first time of my life during one my worst internship, with a small child not even tall than my knees. It just struck—

“yeah, I wouldn’t mind doing this for a long time?”

But sometimes having to deal with them alone is not ideal. I was undermining what a caretaker was before. Way too much.

I don’t even know to who I can talk about it.

It’s not even only about working with children, but just my work life situation.

Like I want to finish at the hour I signed for but I can’t do that because I’m being nice or understanding. At the same time it does help me get by but at what cost ? My mental health ? Taking days off? Burn out ?

I want to be independent and for that I need to make sacrifices for my future self. That’s why I’m working hard to make it happen. Maybe I’m being extremely emotional because this week was one of those days I had to take on others emotion meltdown over my own.

Or because I’m too good at what I do which is why I have good relationships with families in general.

But I need to keep this up until I get have the life I want, until I can afford to rest without having to burn out and everyone noticing it before I do.

I feel bad for complaining but I do. Allah sees everything and knows how I feel, that’s definitely reassuring to know that He knows. But it doesn’t help the guilt I feel about being an hypocrite in so many thing. Unloading my frustration about sm to my family then having that same person being kind to me, knowing that they are kind. Getting gifts feel wrong even if it’s genuine.

I have to deal my feelings and how I need to regulate myself around children outbursts.

Getting exhausted with I want to achieve, having pictured my goals for once in my life but my country makes it hard to become ‘successful’ and try to achieve it or just being me.

I’ll keep going because that’s what I want, it’s hard. Allah knows how hard it is to not have the same financial freedom like some, but the drive to make it happen, to make things easier for my parents. Just to have them rest. They did so much for me, for my siblings and I, sometimes clumsily other times harshly.

I don’t blame them, now that I’m older —I get it.

I always wanted them to know that they should never feel bad for not giving us as much as they wished to. We couldn’t afford it, I saw their guilt and how frustrated they were sometimes. How even embarrassed they felt at times even when I didn’t.

I want to living without always feeling like I’m surviving each arcs. But then again that’s the whole point of this lifetime.

I needed a crying session, lol. First or second breakdowns of the year ? Better than last year when I hold it down until I couldn’t.

What’s that called again ? Scheduled crying session— a game changer they said.