#rainbow ship

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“And when you're different…. Sometimes… sometimes you feel like a mistake” he spits out, he can feel tears pricking at his eyes his heart aches and there's a whisper in his head that says, ‘Do it’ 

‘Tell Him’

And he can't, he wants to so badly, he turns to face him and the sun glows like a halo behind his head, making him look like an angel and so.. So beautiful. 

‘Tell Him’

He gulps, lips trembling, “But... you make her feel like... she's not a mistake at all – like she's better for being different. And that gives her the courage to fight on."

He leans just a bit closer, Mike’s eyes zone in on him, searing into his own and swallowing back the sob that also escapes him he pushes on  “And if she was mean to you or— or she seemed like she was pushing you away— it's probably just because she was scared of losing you, just as like your afraid of losing her.”

He sees Mike’s eyes soften and  It’s not fair. 

It's not fair that his heart is breaking to pieces and he still looks like that when he thinks of her. 

His heart rages on inside him, it’s so painful, it hurts worse than anything he’s ever felt before, it feels as if he’s suffocating, he’s suffocating and nothing he does can get air inside of his lungs.

It feels like he’s dying. 

His voice wavers, but he needs to keep going, he needs to keep going because if he doesn't say it, then why did he even show Mike the picture, he has already come so far, he needs to make him believe it. Believe in her, because they deserve each other and he doesn't want to get in the way, he doesn't want Mike to feel that way, he wants him to be happy and El… El makes him happy, more than he ever did.  

“And… if she was going to lose you, I… I think she'd just get it over with quick…. Like ripping off a band aid.”

A tear rolls down his eye

“Because… Because losing you— it hu– it would hurt her too much, it just hurts too much.”

“She–” I  “Loves you so much.”

The voice in his head, no longer whispers, it shouts at him, rages at him, says ‘What are are you doing’  and screeches  ‘It's not fair, he’s your best and now your giving him away’

And he can't help but to agree with it, he wants to stop, knows that that's enough, but he can't, he shouldn't, he needs to make it clear to mike… to himself that it's over. That nothing will grow, that this— what they nothing will come from it. 

That everything is done. 

“So yeah— El needs you mike, and she always will” 

He can hear his heart breaking, and it's Mike’s laughter that spills out, it swirls around him, glows so bright that he can feel the warmth it lets out,  until it's snuffed out and everything becomes cold and dark. 

He hates this, he hates it. 

Mike looks at him, a small smile curling at his lips, and Will trembles, he feels his hands shake and his broken heart quake, dark satisfaction knocks out the remaining warmth he used to feel whenever Mike looked at him like that, and he understands. Understand that this is for the best, that God made a mistake with him that what he feels is wrong and Mike shouldn't be cursed with what he has, with his sick twisted thoughts,  Mike deserves more than that. 

“Yeah?’ he asks

And he wants to say no, he wants to take everything back, wants to tell him that El is changing, she’s changing and she might not need him anymore. That it's him that needs him, not her. 

But he swallows that down, and just nods, a twisted smile playing at his lips, and Mike, seeming satisfied, turns away from him, taking that warmth with him, leaving him in the dark.

And It's cruel.

It’s cruel how God gives us the most wonderful people, makes us love them unconditionally, makes us believe that they are right for each other and nothing can change that, just to go ahead and take them away, and Will thinks, what has he done wrong, he didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve none if it. 

He never did anything weird, he just looked but he guesses that it's just as bad as touching or being. 

He turns away from him, facing the van windows and he looks out into the grand desserts filled with nothing, so empty and dry and devoid of life. He thinks that's what he must look like on the inside. 

He shudders a breath and he can't stop the tear that rolls down, and suddenly a whole river flows down his face and he can't do anything to stop it. 

He wants to wail and sob and scream and rage, tear his hair out and ask Why?,  Why was he created so wrong, Why was he allowed to live if he was such a mistake, 

Why

Why

Why

Why

Why

whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhyhwywhywhywhy