#rageahol

That asshole is getting jerseyed and then kicked into the mulch-and-paper-trash soup in the park gardens down the road. 

Saturday Night Live - Blue River Dog Food

WE SWITCHED BRANDS THREE WEEKS AGO. WE WROTE A LETTER. —IT'S NOT ENOUGH! I WANT SOMEONE FROM THE COMPANY TO COME HERE AND LOOK MY DOG IN THE FACE AND SAY SORRY AND SAY SORRY TO ME AND SAY SORRY TO MY FAMILY AND THEN GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND THEY CAN BLOW THEIR BRAINS OUT FOR ALL I CARE.

Its story time kids, and by "story time" I really mean "unleash rageahol on my tumblr" time. Glad we got that sorted..

So I got to frappyhour early today and there is an enormous lady infront of me babysitting her stomach and ordering the largest frappuccino she can get her greasy hands on. She ends up ordering the new Mocha something chip extra whip whatever, along with a second coffee - hot - no whip and non-fat milk, both venti.. obviously the latter was not for her or perhaps she enjoys non-fat milk in her second coffee to watch her weight, but I digress.

Barista hands her frappy.

Lady goes ape shit ballisticisimus - face red, arm fat jangling - shaking her frappy in the poor girls face.

"You know these are supposed to be BROWN" she barks at the girl. "It is brown.." the barista responds, confused. I'd be confused too if I were forced to  discuss drink hues with a crazy lady during the busiest 2 hours of the day working at Starbucks.. "...Actually it looks like more of a taupe to me" she snaps, turning to her friend "don't you agree?" to which the equally large friend nods and flashes a cruel stink eye in the direction of the barista.

At this point you can imagine me, livid, losing my mind behind this woman - who I might add smells absolutely terrible - in frappyhour line up. Oh, and the 20+ other people cued up behind me waiting patiently to order their drinks were probably also angry, but screw 'em this isnt about them. This is the part where you all lose your minds. Ready? .... .... She hands her stupid taupe coffee back... and makes the girl make her a new one... BECAUSE THE FUCKING COLOR WASNT BROWN ENOUGH FOR HER.

-insert me smashing my head against brick wall times a billion- Moments like these make me hate humanity for two reasons: 1) I don't get my coffee in a timely manner because of one womans selfishness and blatant idiocy 2) Because the barista has absolutely zero power to take the taupe coffee and pour if down her massive triple Dcup sweaty cleave, and tell her to cram it with mis-colored chocolate, and/or walnuts and/or both.. at the same time..

The next time someone pulls this level of moron out in a Starbucks line up, I personally will pour your frozen drink all over you until it cools you and each roll of hangy outey cleavage fat to subzero temperatures. I will then take your smoke and mirrors non-fat latte and hurl it like a torpedo vessel at the nearest hard object, so I can watch it explode into a steaming hot mess all over the place - to reinact what it looks like for me to lose my mind, if my mind were infact a scalding hot cuppa joe. Cool analogy Jules, lose your mind some more. Then I will probably get banhammer ejected from the coffee house in applause as all 20+ people are served their frappys in a much more efficient and timely manner and I will be the hero who saves the starbucks from your viciously moronic frappyhour carnage. I'll have you know that it will be more than worth it to see a BROWN chocolatey mess dripping down your face as I am escorted out the front door. That is what success looks like, I can see it already.

Rule number one of life: You DO NOT, under any circumstances, get between Jules and her coffee. I will go further to say that you just plain and simple do not fuck around in crowded Starbucks lineups, but this is my story, so that is secondary to my coffee being poured down the ol' esophagus.