“I recently called it quits on a toxic friendship. She suffered from various mental illnesses and was explosive and I internalized her anger. I’ve become aware of my own toxic behaviors and how we brought out the worst in each other. It has been extremely painful for us both. I am angry with my friend for bringing out the worst in me, but mostly I am angry at myself. At this point, I know I have lost a friend, but how I can I move forward in the process of forgiveness?”

This is such a cool question because it comes from such a cool place. Being able to identify your own emotions is so hard for so many reasons. In a lot of cases we’re taught to ignore our emotions because it’s not polite, because you'll upset someone, because you’re supposed to “be strong,” or because your emotions make you “look crazy.” It feels nearly impossible to even identify that anger and what’s more - to figure out how to actually deal with it.

Anger is one of the most important emotions. It’s the last thing you feel after you’ve felt everything else (sad, confused, stupid, wronged) so you’re kind of at the highest emotional point (which is why a lot of people feel so irrational when it happens). It took me a VERY long time to figure out and put a name to any of my emotions. I was in a toxic friendship for years and I couldn’t quite place what felt so wrong about it. I constantly felt like I was doing something wrong/in trouble, so when I would step back and look at it, I would be like, “Why am I so shitty?” It took a bunch of therapy for me to even recognize the reality of the situation I was in, AND to get out of it, AND to feel good about my decision, AND to stop fuming about the whole thing.

So, I’m just going to share with you the things that helped me…

You're allowed to be pissed. You should be pissed! You loved, trusted, respected, and supported someone who messed with your head. For me, every time I thought about it, I would get furious and then feel bad for being furious and then I was like, “But i should be mad…right?” It was this endless cycle of feeling an emotion and then feeling bad for feeling an emotion. But for real, trust yourself. It makes perfect sense that you are angry, you have every right to be angry, let yourself to be angry.

You’re probably also relieved. I was. I was mad, sad, confused, and also relieved that I escaped something that was holding me back. Allow yourself to feel everything. Feel those negative things, and then breathe. You don’t have to deal with the anxiety and fear of that relationship anymore. You can also miss the good parts of that friendship but embrace the relief, too. You’ve done something that will dramatically improve your emotional health. If you can allow yourself to feel the good emotions, you will start to feel better than you’ve ever felt in your life. It takes a lot of strength to leave a relationship, whether it’s family, friends, work, romantic; it’s hard as shit. And you should be really really proud of yourself for getting out of it. You’re letting so much good into your life by cutting out the things that are bringing you down. IT’S SUUUCH a good move

You’re not shitty. Forgive yourself. You were in a hard relationship and you turned into a version of yourself that you didn’t like. HOWEVER, you did the right thing and the BEST thing a person can do in that situation. You saw that you were being shitty, decided you didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone if you were being shitty to them, and you let that person go. You did it for you, but you also did it for your friend. Your friend was also in a terrible relationship. You did a great thing for the both of you. So, forgive yourself for being shitty in that relationship and move forward with the knowledge and awareness that you are not shitty, and you don’t have to be shitty in any relationship in the future. You have control over who you become friends with and if you see a lot of the same Toxic-Friend behaviors in someone new, you know it’s not good vibes and you know you don’t want to engage with that person, because you’ll probably become shitty and being shitty FEELS AWFUL.  

Be unbelievably grateful for the good people in your life. I totally believe that you attract whatever you’re putting out there. So, if you’re walking around this world feeling really good, being kind to those around you, appreciating when people are good to you, and making choices that make you feel really good - you’re just going to attract people and experiences that are also dope.

I went through exactly what you’re going through and these are the things that helped me. It was a hard transition to make, there was a lot of guilt and weirdness, but eventually I took a step back and I was like, “I am so much happier, I HAVE to let myself be happy, otherwise what was even the point of all this?!” Once I let myself feel happy, the good friendships I had started to deepen in such cool ways, and I started to meet new, amazing people. In the past, I had this idea that *everyone* felt the way that ToxicFriend felt, that *everyone* thought I was dumb, that *everyone* would be upset if I tried to talk to them about how I felt, etc etc. BUT once I started to let myself feel that relief, happiness, and gratitude, I started to open myself up to some really good, strong, inspiring friendships. Having supportive, respectful, positive people in my life is a real game changer. I feel good much more often. I believe in myself way more, I am starting to really trust my own instincts. It wasn’t easy, but it was hella worth it.

The coolest part about letting go of toxic people is getting your life back and making it better than ever.

This is a broad topic, so I'm going to focus on a specific part. What I'm hearing in this question is that maybe you are allowing certain relationships in your life to infer or affect how you feel about yourself and who you are. It can be super confusing when this happens - and it happens to everyone. We all have different faces we wear for different parts of our lives, and we all have egos. Egos are often pulled in certain directions before we are even aware of what's happening. They also generally want things - and this can cause us to alter our behavior in order to attain them. When this feels uncomfortable - like when you buy someone a gift with the hope it will make them like you more (instead of giving purely out of generosity...it's a fine line, I know), this may be when our authenticity is a little out of focus. Or maybe you take out your nose ring before visiting your conservative extended family, and this makes you feel like you're changing yourself for their approval.

Right after I came out, I remember my extended family holiday gatherings felt so painful because it was a topic no one knew how to touch. I pretended like it didn't exist, and so did they. I felt like the least authentic version of myself, even though I had just conquered something so difficult by coming out in the first place. I should have felt the most authentic! But I was still scared of what everyone else thought. There's no quick fix or remedy to this. Sometimes there are people who will just not accept us. And sometimes there are people who will completely surprise us. Over time and with practice, we learn to accept ourselves, and that makes all of the other stuff a lot easier.

You are changing every day, so knowing yourself is always going to be a process. The fact that you have the awareness - that sometimes you don't feel authentic - is such a big step toward finding and loving the self that you are. Authenticity is hard to define, but I think it walks hand in hand with genuineness. You have to look inward and observe. The more you allow yourself to do that, with full acceptance of whatever it is that's going on, the better you will know what it means to be what you are. It may sound cliché, but I think learning to love yourself wholly is the hardest and most important part of being you.

I just wrote an article about how you shouldn’t wait until New Year’s Day to go after your dreams. However, I am a giant hypocrite and promised myself to go on a very ambitious 30 day juice cleanse starting on New Year’s Day because I like challenges and injecting my own fun rules into my life to follow for predetermined lengths of time, especially if it’s conducive to my happiness; it’s how I transformed myself and built the dream life I’ve always wanted. Here we are on Day 30 and I’ve decided to extend my initial 30 day cleanse into 60 days. Quite ambitious again, I know, but I’m a glutton for punishment.

Telling people you’re going without solid foods gets you every reaction from admiration to downright anger at your lack of concern about your health. I am doing this because I actually care about myself. I chose 2016 to be my year of self-care and health and I realized my lifestyle was making it hard for me to carry out the huge workload involved in living your best life. Living through hangover after hangover was making it hard to navigate my day without falling into an unproductive Netflix-watching mess. I decided juicing would be the right reset button I needed to put myself on a better path. What I didn’t expect was for it to go so damn well.

Thirty days in, I am down thirty pounds, running faster and longer than I ever thought my former-smoker’s lungs could take me, chronic ailments have gone away and I feel better than I ever have my entire life. I am excited to see how I progress in the next couple of weeks. My body continues to surprise me by healing different parts that I didn’t know could exist without pain. When your body isn’t digesting, it can use all of its energy on optimizing your immune system to heal itself. Even minor annoyances (minor for me, major for my wife) like my snoring went away four days into the cleanse. My energy instantly increased from getting more oxygen in my sleep, making me more ready to take on the day from better rest.

I hear what you’re saying. All the benefits sound great, but how the hell is someone supposed to not eat for 60 days? Anything is quite easy when you put your mind to it. The hunger pangs go away after the first three days when your body goes into a state of ketosis. You want your body in ketosis as it will start using your body fat instead of glucose for fuel and take away the hunger pangs. The hardest part is moderating your addiction to putting things in your mouth and chewing out of boredom. Food is so embedded in every social event. It is a little awkward navigating at first, but can become a pleasure once you’ve found your footing and are comfortable just focusing on the conversations and interactions with others, rather than the pleasurable taste sensations tickling your tastebuds at that moment.

I don’t have time to waste on what I want to eat next, so I’m dreaming a bit bigger and spending as much focus on attaining goals. I’ve been walking my dog more, working out more, painting more, attempting more, writing more, learning more and generally just being more happy. By taking food away, it has made me see just how much of my time is spent on thinking about it, acquiring it, chewing and swallowing it. I have much more focus and energy to carry out things that I’ve put off for months. Overall, I feel the happiest I’ve ever felt. Instead of keeping this secret to myself, I’ve decided to share all my secrets with you so you can go on a cleanse with all the information I wish I had before I started.

How to go on your own 30 day juice cleanse.

1. Ease into your cleanse by weaning off caffeine, processed foods, animal products and alcohol a week before. You don’t want to shock your body too much, so ease into your cleanse with a plant-based diet in order to minimize the withdrawals you go through on the first couple days of the cleanse. Be just as careful easing out of the cleanse. You’re pretty much putting your digestive tract to sleep and it would like to be woken up gently by a sweet nudge with smoothies and raw food. Eating a cheeseburger as your first meal is the equivalent of being woken up at 4AM because sirens are ablazing and your house is on fire.

2. Buy a juicer. There are so many pre-bottled juice cleanses out there on the market, but I don’t think you can fully reap the benefits of a cleanse without your very own juicer. These pre-bottled companies tend to have great marketing with pretty bottles, but those bottles also tend to be clear to show off the colors which kills a lot of the enzymes in the juice. These companies care more about selling you these drinks than how effective it is in helping you regain your health. They also have a lot of fruit-based juices which tastes great, but can wreak havoc on someone with blood sugar issues. Having your own juicer allows you to have control over what goes in your juice to target areas of healing i.e. lungs, liver, kidneys.

3. Have a couple large, air-tight, dark colored bottles to store your juices in. If you have all the time in the world, make your juices fresh every time you want one for maximum benefits. But if you’re lazy like me? You can just make enough juice for a day or two, so you don’t have to set up and clean your juicer every time you want sustenance. Store them in these dark bottles and drink one every time you’re hungry. You should never feel hungry on this cleanse.

4. Drink a lot of juice and even more water. That sounds like basic advice, but it’s crazy how much we take getting enough calories and drinking enough water for granted when we’re dieting. You shouldn’t starve yourself on this cleanse and get by with a few meager calories in order to drop some quick pounds, you will only wreak havoc on your metabolism. Juice cleanses flood the cells in your body with nutrients from the fruits and veggies you’re drinking and makes the cells release the toxins that they were holding onto. You want to help remove those toxins from your body by drinking a lot of water. Water also keeps hunger pangs at bay and keeps your skin elastic among other benefits, so knock back those good ol’ h’s and o’s. If you want to add more variety to your juice cleanse, buy a nut milk bag and start making nut milks. Nut milks are great for adding fat to your diet and keeping cravings for richness to a minimum.

5. Be close to a bathroom. If you spend a lot of your time without easy access to a bathroom, then this is going to hurt. You’re on a liquid diet and that means more frequent trips to pee. Bowel movements will be less frequent, but still very regular if you are drinking enough water. It’s kind of amazing how much crap you’re walking around with, literally.

6. Choose a hobby or goal to distract you. During this cleanse, you’re going to be shocked at how much free time you have. The more distracted you are by something that moves you, the faster the time will pass. Attempt something you’ve always wanted to incorporate into your life during this time. The heightened clarity and energy you have during these couple of weeks might be just what you needed to turn a dream into reality.

7. Seek out support. Being on a cleanse can be a lonely existence if you make it so. This cleanse will make you realize how many social interactions in your life revolve around meeting up for some sort of food or beverage. You don’t have to completely hermit from the world, unless that’s your thing, but you might have to modify how you socialize. Instead of meeting for food, you might have to meet to go for a walk, instead of meeting for drinks, you might have to switch it up with meeting for tea. There’s a million possibilities and a great big world out there, go and explore.

Going on a juice cleanse isn’t right for everyone, but if you want to take the plunge into investing into your health, it can be the perfect jumpstart to a new, healthier you. There will be naysayers, but the proof is in the pudding. My vision has gotten better, my skin has never looked so great, old wounds have re-healed themselves, my hair and nails grow at an astronomical rate, back pain I’ve had for years has gone away and I feel like a million bucks. I am a complete believer in the healing powers of juicing and recommend it to everyone. Go forth and unleash the power of juicing into your life and truly treat your body like a temple in 2016.