i think about your analysis of those ode to sleep lines all the time because it's SO right like. the inherent whoreishness of desiring someone. not only someone but your best friend and another man...whatever...
YUP !! its also very interesting to me because that second section in the verse was added onto RAB and vessel, the original half is from a NPI song (just like yesterday iirc) so it was one of the songs he went back and wrote more of.
First half of the verse is about what the world around him is telling him (on the eve of a day,, trees clouds, told to open our eyes cause we're told that we must etc) which is from NPI. Its what not just the Church tells him is wrong, but the whole world, the whole creation is from God and there is no escape from it. second half is much more introspective, what hes telling HIMSELF (lots of I, I'm , I'm not) and its definitely a response to the first half, and its of shame and guilt but even tho he doesnt want to say why he feels this way (which. Yup. Dont need to elaborate bc we all know why). I think its also a response to 17 year old him that he hasnt changed and in a way, worse than he was before.
the inherent whoreishness of desiring someone, of wanting to give up everything for them and sacrificing your dignity and sanity and telling them "you can take me, you can take me whole as long as you'll have me" which is also interesting to me because the point of Christianity is to willingly give yourself to God, but how can he when hes given himself to Josh? The only person who stayed and cared and made Tyler his plan A? Why else would he be afraid to say who he adores? Also adds into the whole split in half thing going on in RAB, not knowing who to choose despite fully knowing who should come first. But it doesnt take any of the pain away at all.
that entire second half of the verse is wanting to be forgiven, to be seen as clean because thats what his past self wanted and what a good christians would want to be, but theres a whole person/reason to not want to give it up and it drives him crazy because he thinks hes trapped. and it keeps him up at night because he keeps on falling further and further down. hes past the famous three denials of Peter, and he's on denial number four. How long can he keep on going before he puts an end to it.
