#r:txt

✉ ⊰ ricky ⊱ 

✉ hey so i've been thinking

✉ about why i did it, and about why i did everything i did afterwards

✉ you just left for sn project afterwards and i kind of felt ghosted, even if i didn't have a right to

✉ but i liked that, it was easier that way, because you were just gone and i could ignore it. it made it really easy to not think about it anymore but i couldn't stop thinking about you hating me

✉ i didn't let myself think about whether i always liked you or if i liked you at all or if it meant anything or nothing because i was too scared and didn't want to deal with it, so i didn't

✉ i'm braver now and i've thought about it more, and...i still don't know what it meant. i don't know why i did it, but i know i never even considered kissing a boy before then, so it must've meant something. you must have something all of the others didn't

✉ i'm thankful for it now, because i...learned a lot from it. i don't know if you feel the same way, but i hope one day you do, and until then i'm sorry. i think i'll always be sorry

✉ i know i wanted to kiss you then, even if i still don't know why, or if it was just the alcohol or if that brought out...something else? it feels like that's all it was, but i don't think i'll ever know

✉ but that's all it is to me now, and i feel bad about that if you...wanted it to be more. i feel bad about it regardless, but i wanted you to know because i think you deserve honesty from me after everything. i'm sorry

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cw: internalized homophobia

- dated early October, 2019 -

⬅️what does that mean you dont think youll ever know

⬅️you say you're being honest but you don't make any sense

⬅️people say sorry when they did something wrong so if you're sorry how can you be thankful for it

⬅️you could've picked anyone else to mess with but it was me and I dont know why and you're saying you dont know why either? because I have something?? what something?? what did I do to make you mess with me like that?? I was minding my own business

⬅️you said you're thankful but that it doesnt mean anything and it never will, but you learned from it so you used me to learn something???

⬅️you liked me??? [message deleted !]

⬅️if you think I'm that disgusting just say so [message deleted !]

⬅️and why would I want it to be m [message deleted !]

⬅️and why would I want it to be more, you're a man. it should never have happened [message deleted !]

⬅️what if I did wan [message deleted !]

⬅️why would I want it to be more I'm not like you

✉ ⊰ ricky ⊱ ✉ hey ricky ✉ i just wanted to say congratulations on per_se. you really deserve this, honestly. i know you worked hard ✉ sorry i didn’t text you before, too ✉ honestly i was kind of afraid, after everything. not that that’s a good excuse, but ✉ i’m sorry about what happened, and especially that it happened so close to sn project. i don’t want to assume it was like, important enough to cause you stress or anything, but i know if it was me i would’ve been stressed and you didn’t need that from me, so i’m sorry ✉ i wasn’t thinking and if i knew what was going to happen for you maybe things would’ve been different. i was going to say i’m sorry that they weren’t different but ✉ i don’t know, i didn’t really…think through what i was going to say to you. that’s probably obvious. i just wanted to send you something while i still had to courage to. i don’t know, i’m sorry

[ msg to: kid cousin changhyun ] hey [ msg to: kid cousin changhyun ] congrats

[ msg to: kid cousin changhyun ] not that i’m going to, just wondering

- - - - - - -

[` text to one punch cousin: yah who even invited you

[` text to one punch cousin: good luck getting training off

> i know we don’t talk about what happened but i just want to address something real quick: i understand why you stopped coming around now > calling it as it is, a 썸, makes sense as to why the seriousness i had about it freaked you out and at the time it hurt but i get it now > you needed to protect your career. i put it in jeopardy. i don’t blame you for not coming around anymore > i learned it the hard way but…. i have to stop putting people’s happiness before my own. i have to start being a little more selfish too > i’m sorry for everything. i love you very much. you are my best friend no matter what and i care about you > i hope you’re doing well

[` text to sohee noona: i wasn’t being selfish. giving my future up for you would be selfish. it’s not just about singing and dancing for me it’s more than that it’s all i have it’s the only way i can be important it’s the only way i can do anything [ message deleted ! ]

[` text to sohee noona: that’s not fair [ message deleted ! ]

[` text to sohee noona: i hope you’re doing well too. i’ll root for you.