#qwertishy

Somehow it was un-installed from my phone. Not exactly sure how that happened.

I have sad thoughts to say, but it's making me feel like a 2006 emo kid.

Stabby rip stab stab.

I thank God for all the blessings he has given me most of all, You; just the same as I have learned to thank God for all the challenges he gives to me.

I can't even THINK about losing you without realizing it would be the end of me. I have survived the deaths of nearly every person I have ever been close to, but you are my world. My air. My everything. You are the essence to my life. Without you, I most surely will die. I won't bear a second of this life without you. I will die of a broken heart before I have the opportunity to stop it myself. I have faith that God will do me that.

The day, the moment you were conceived, I leaned over into your father's ear and whispered of your budding existence finally coming to life. He laughed. Said I couldn't possibly know that. I knew. The following days and weeks that passed, I knew. My body changed and I knew. My best friend asked how I knew and I told her I just did. Eventually I took a test to appease the inquiring. Not to my surprise, your evidence showed.

As you grew, I felt you, although my doctor would say it was gas.. but I knew. We had a connection I will never forget. We knew each other inside and out. I knew exactly when and where and how you would kick and stretch and squirm.. every. Single. Time. It was never a surprise. You and I were one. We were always one.

I had dreams of you before you arrived. I knew who you were and what you looked like. And if I'm honest, you did not disappoint. You are exactly what I envisioned, everything I've ever wanted. You are truly my best friend, my whole world. My everything. I'd rather be with you in the worst conditions than with anyone else in the best. You make me whole. Complete. Myself.

I have known you my whole life just as you have known me yours.

When you were a baby, I'd stay up all hours of the night... just watching you. I cried when you were born, I had never been so happy. The moment I finally get to see you with my eyes. Hold you with my arms. We had our own secret language since before you arrived, and even though we don't use it as much anymore, I will always remember it was there.

Growing up, I unknowingly suffered from borderline personality disorder, dissociation, hallucinations, ADD, and a crippling amount of depression and anxiety. Everything was fast paced and either the best day of my life or seemingly the last. I never knew what tomorrow would bring, let alone if I would even see it at all. Despite that, I wasn't scared of my own mortality, in fact, I reveled in it. I valued it. It was a constant reminder on my darker days that there was a way out, my only calming solace. My silver lining.

By the time I realized there was something wrong with me.. specifically, and not just the dangers I had been subjected to... my perception of reality was so twisted and distorted that I honestly couldn't tell reality from fantasy. I couldn't piece together what really happened and what didn't happen, who was real and who wasn't real. What words were said and what words only imagined.

Through the mess and confusion, I hurt a lot of people. I lost a lot of people. Some relationships ended because of it, and the worst part is... I will never know why. I will never know what I did. Yet, I do it again and again. How do I explain that whatever happened, whatever I did.. wasn't me? Does it matter? I've had some of the world's greatest people by my side, and somewhere along the lines I did something to fuck it all up and lost all of them forever.

My father died spring of last year. Initially, there were a lot of mixed feelings. I've been working on building a relationship with him for a long time. I've been working on healing and forgiveness. I've been working on it a lot. I wasn't done healing. I hadn't yet forgave. I feel like him leaving had robbed me of the goal I had been working so hard towards for so long. I was angry. Backtracking in all my progress and all my successes. Then, almost without warning, I forgive him. Something I could never do in life. Again, I was angry. Upset that I couldn't achieve this at a time we could both enjoy together.

I think about him everyday, now. Before, he was lucky if I thought of him more than once a season. Now I crave his company all the time, miss him every morning. Cry... every time. I have no photos of him, no adult memories, no anything. I feel constantly robbed each time I think of him. It feels like he's been gone forever and like it was yesterday all at the same time. I can't explain it. And with all this grief and confusion... I feel a new me emerging. A new sense of clarity I never had before. Suddenly I feel alone.

You see, my father knew he did me wrong as a child. He knew I was scared of him, scarred by him, haunted by him. He tried, he really tried to get me to forgive him. He did everything but acknowledge what he did, everything but apologize. I often wondered if the gift buying cleared his conscience. If he thought that he was buying my forgiveness, my affection, my love. In my adult life, he was kind and gentle, sweet and caring. All the things I had wanted as a child. But by then, my perception of reality was already set in stone. It kills me that I was not able to change that in time.

I pushed everyone away. Everyone was a threat or an enemy. And now, I'm alone. And it hurts, and I'm scared. I'm too old to be alone. I always hear young people griping on and on about "how old" they are, like it's some sort of psychological game... I've never truly felt old until this year. It's not a flattering emotion. I want to say something dramatic and played out like, "I've never been alone before" or something of the like, but I'm sure that's not true... I just can't emphasize enough how lonely I've been feeling since my latest losses.

Just looking to talk, maybe vent a little.