#quitting school

I might be quitting school. Like, actually.

I don't know how I feel about this. Today, I'm not going to school, and I might not have to go on Monday. It feels like everything sort of disappeared. It doesn't feel real. It might not be real, but all of a sudden, it's my decision. It's so strange.

Now! Those of you who've seen my blog for more than 5 seconds know I'm at least a self-proclaimed academic. I'm not quitting academics! I'm just leaving the public school system, hopefully for good, and considering alternatives. So, I don't know how this is going to go. My future could happen slower or faster. I'm going to do this best I can. I'm going to study formal logic, I swear it.

Still, strange feeling! Hehe. Today, after watching some anime and drawing, I saw a screenshot of a system of equations that theoretically would be unsolvable- in the real number system. I was able to find a complex solution! (They were linear equations, so it's not much, but the method I came up with generalizes the rule involving equations like (a+b)(a-b) and how they make it so you don't have any ab, only a^2 and b^2 when you expand it out. I can use that to force real numbers to result by squaring or subtracting all the imaginary parts, which allowed me to... um, hehe. I'm not going to explain it here. Apparently it helps with the fundamental theorem of algebra, but I haven't yet derived or in any way approached that particular theorem. I wonder when I will.

A certain issue with quadratics still stands. I want to fix that. I want to derive the quadratic formula. I don't know what I'm feeling right now, but it's positive.

I had a lot of inner conflict over it. Honestly, it's like an abusive relationship (I've never been in one, so this could be a bad metaphor, and actual abusive relationships are certainly far worse!)- I was convinced that everything I was suffering over was a problem with me, and not with the system, and that I was just making excuses. I still can't quite picture any other way I'd learn things. I feel like I'd just sit and watch anime. I've almost completely convinced myself that there's no other way, that it's all for my own good. What would I do without it? That's what I've been told, not by anyone in particular, but constantly. It's you. There's something wrong with you. I have so much internalized ableism, and so much hatred of my own generation and myself. Nobody ever told me I was just lazy, that I was just making excuses, yet for the longest time, I've always felt that "autism" and "ADHD" were just lame excuses for my own lack of effort. After all, if everyone else could do it, why couldn't I? Nobody ever told me that. But the world implied it to me, over and over again, until now, I believe it.

But I want to give myself a chance, because continuing in school the way I am right now is significantly worsening my mental state.

I feel like Rapunzel stepping out of her tower.

because there's no way they can keep wanting / the tree of the world that's in my head to wither

A good friend posed a question on social media recently on behalf of a young person. My friend and I are about the same age, and the youngster is about the age of our children. She asked roughly: ‘would it be a good idea for this person to stop their school and get a second job to support their significant other (not spouse) until they got their degree?’

My instant and visceral response was ‘not…

     Dearest die-ary,

   It’s February 20 something I think.

I have officially decided on + adjusted to the plan of quitting art school and being an EMT instead. Maybe I’ll even learn compassion + shit. It’s just a big... not load off my mind, but it makes me feel more positive cuz I have a sustainable future mapped out. Of course, I do believe I’m still gonna die before I’m 25 but for the next 5 years I got me covered. I also started XXXXXX just last week + I am having a lot of fun. I’m tired all the time but that feeling of purpose is so