When you asked me to come back
You had claimed to have changed
You had said you had seen how hard it had been for me.
I'd talk to you about the things I struggled with, within my marriage.
And you'd actually make the comparisons yourself on how you had done those things in the past.
You knew I was damaged from everything that the last two years had put me through.
You had promised to show me grace and to show me love.
You had created a safe place to express myself.
I asked yoylubwhat would you do if they said I was crazy and you said you'd have to love me anyways.
Than so quickly you flipped the script.
There was no grace or understanding.
And the moments there were it was held above me.
You'd get mad I still spoke to my ex wife
Yet you refused to see how it was back to you being mean and her being nice.
It was so isolating.
The first month was amazing.
But so soon it was me feeling inadequate.
You getting angry before listening.
If only you would have listened, like you promised, like you had been.
I just needed you to listen and hear me and your responses not be pure anger.
That way it could have turned into another conversation.
Just like we had had for months before I agreed to come home.
But your ange remakes me shut down, makes me stammer, makes it hard to correctly express what I am feeling and thinking.
Than soon it was back to getting mad when I talked during a song.
It was Ibwas always doing something wrong.
While I'd be sitting there trying to defend myself but you being louder until I got angry and bit back
Than it'd spiral, until I'd finally just shut down
At first it was I could just stop my anger and come and hug you and you'd settle down
Than you started thinking that was manipulation
Not understanding that I needed the screaming and berating to stop to be able to stop myself
So you'd push me away.
Than you'd dissappear for hours
Decide not to call or text
Punish my calls and texts with longer silence
Then you push ke away twice out of your home, because let's face it I havent had a home
For years
I Try to claim certain places in my head
But since C street really I havebt had a home
I'm notnsure I could ever really pin point one place that fully feels like my home before or after
I tried so hard to save that home too
Just like our last home
Those two times, I'd try to restart, and than you'd call me home
I gave every ounce of myself to try and save this last place
I literally burned the candles at both ends while it was being melted in the middle
I tried so hard at somany things that nothing got accomplished
But you wanted changes in everything at once
Not acknowledging the changes that had been happening
Which would reset the who whole process
Until one day there's an eviction notice
Than court, and you tell me we're fine I'm safe.
So I don't look for a parachute
I trust and I defend
I lay awake sleepless nights full of tears and worry, or shut down completely and sleep and just tell myself when I wake up you'll be home
Until I'm moving our apartment by myself
Dealing with sherriffs and constantly rushing
Sleeping at my moms waiting tonhear from you
Than grocery shop, making sure you had work good you could store around work
Still thinking youbtaling some time to think but are still finding us a place
Than I go to the storage unit to find something I needed that day
Your there after not answering we ering or responding the night prior
I load groceries into whose ever car your borrowing
Than as I try to get some affection
You tell me I can't really be that stupid
The air left my lungs
I was weak in the knees
Yet for six months
The betrayal I was dealt was pushed to the side each time you needed me
I'd come to you with food, or company
Offering you every ounce of me
For you to go back to her
Who you would say treats you so badly
Things I couldn't imagine saying or doing to you
some times I sucked it up and pushed forward
Burning I didn't and I lost my composure or snapped
I was the worse creature on earth
Than you'd lesson the punishments of no communication or beratement
Than you'd need me again
Now I sit here wishing you'd left me in my marriage
Because I still had strength there
I at least had the strength to delete my existence than
How I wish I hadn't got caught that day
I wish that would have been my final chapter
Because lord knows I have tried countless times
Since becoming yours again, and the strength in that is even gone
I fail everytime
In which you just hold over my head how crazy and unstable I am for it
I'm not sure how most days I even function
I'm even less sure why I still after everything
The bloody noises, the bruises, the comments on my appearance, and anything about my entirety really
The fact I can't remember the last time you said anything positive about me
Yet would constantly ask for me to stroke your ego
And I'd sit there and tell you everything I loved about you from the hair on your head to the you toes, except I'd always say I love how they've supported you
Because I mean come on feet, and yours on top of it
I'll rub them but I'd never kiss, well we know that's a lie. But I can say I'd never suck on them..
Bit after all the pain you've put me through
Why the fuck do I still love you, why can't I sleep without dreaming of you.
Why can't I stop the crying
Why do I wake up somenights forgetting your gone and reaching for yiu
To quickly be shattered once more
Why does your lack of love destroy my whole ability to push downward slme days
Why does it hurt so bad that you don't love me anymore
