#corysaan

You had claimed to have changed

You had said you had seen how hard it had been for me.

I'd talk to you about the things I struggled with, within my marriage.

And you'd actually make the comparisons yourself on how you had done those things in the past.

You knew I was damaged from everything that the last two years had put me through.

You had promised to show me grace and to show me love.

You had created a safe place to express myself.

I asked yoylubwhat would you do if they said I was crazy and you said you'd have to love me anyways.

Than so quickly you flipped the script.

There was no grace or understanding.

And the moments there were it was held above me.

You'd get mad I still spoke to my ex wife

Yet you refused to see how it was back to you being mean and her being nice.

It was so isolating.

The first month was amazing.

But so soon it was me feeling inadequate.

You getting angry before listening.

If only you would have listened, like you promised, like you had been.

I just needed you to listen and hear me and your responses not be pure anger.

That way it could have turned into another conversation.

Just like we had had for months before I agreed to come home.

But your ange remakes me shut down, makes me stammer, makes it hard to correctly express what I am feeling and thinking.

Than soon it was back to getting mad when I talked during a song.

It was Ibwas always doing something wrong.

While I'd be sitting there trying to defend myself but you being louder until I got angry and bit back

Than it'd spiral, until I'd finally just shut down

At first it was I could just stop my anger and come and hug you and you'd settle down

Than you started thinking that was manipulation

Not understanding that I needed the screaming and berating to stop to be able to stop myself

So you'd push me away.

Than you'd dissappear for hours

Decide not to call or text

Punish my calls and texts with longer silence

Then you push ke away twice out of your home, because let's face it I havent had a home

For years

I Try to claim certain places in my head

But since C street really I havebt had a home

I'm notnsure I could ever really pin point one place that fully feels like my home before or after

I tried so hard to save that home too

Just like our last home

Those two times, I'd try to restart, and than you'd call me home

I gave every ounce of myself to try and save this last place

I literally burned the candles at both ends while it was being melted in the middle

I tried so hard at somany things that nothing got accomplished

But you wanted changes in everything at once

Not acknowledging the changes that had been happening

Which would reset the who whole process

Until one day there's an eviction notice

Than court, and you tell me we're fine I'm safe.

So I don't look for a parachute

I trust and I defend

I lay awake sleepless nights full of tears and worry, or shut down completely and sleep and just tell myself when I wake up you'll be home

Until I'm moving our apartment by myself

Dealing with sherriffs and constantly rushing

Sleeping at my moms waiting tonhear from you

Than grocery shop, making sure you had work good you could store around work

Still thinking youbtaling some time to think but are still finding us a place

Than I go to the storage unit to find something I needed that day

Your there after not answering we ering or responding the night prior

I load groceries into whose ever car your borrowing

Than as I try to get some affection

You tell me I can't really be that stupid

The air left my lungs

I was weak in the knees

Yet for six months

The betrayal I was dealt was pushed to the side each time you needed me

I'd come to you with food, or company

Offering you every ounce of me

For you to go back to her

Who you would say treats you so badly

Things I couldn't imagine saying or doing to you

some times I sucked it up and pushed forward

Burning I didn't and I lost my composure or snapped

I was the worse creature on earth

Than you'd lesson the punishments of no communication or beratement

Than you'd need me again

Now I sit here wishing you'd left me in my marriage

Because I still had strength there

I at least had the strength to delete my existence than

How I wish I hadn't got caught that day

I wish that would have been my final chapter

Because lord knows I have tried countless times

Since becoming yours again, and the strength in that is even gone

I fail everytime

In which you just hold over my head how crazy and unstable I am for it

I'm not sure how most days I even function

I'm even less sure why I still after everything

The bloody noises, the bruises, the comments on my appearance, and anything about my entirety really

The fact I can't remember the last time you said anything positive about me

Yet would constantly ask for me to stroke your ego

And I'd sit there and tell you everything I loved about you from the hair on your head to the you toes, except I'd always say I love how they've supported you

Because I mean come on feet, and yours on top of it

I'll rub them but I'd never kiss, well we know that's a lie. But I can say I'd never suck on them..

Bit after all the pain you've put me through

Why the fuck do I still love you, why can't I sleep without dreaming of you.

Why can't I stop the crying

Why do I wake up somenights forgetting your gone and reaching for yiu

To quickly be shattered once more

Why does your lack of love destroy my whole ability to push downward slme days