also, yeah! It is really nice to have someone to talk to and thank you for saying I don’t have to apologize for the ramblings ^^
I keep tryna respond to things yall say bc I enjoy talking to you- so I don’t really want the convo to end
but I also suck with regularly communicating with ppl and get super anxious abt the idea of regularly talking with anyone 😭 im a paranoid af person lol and always worry something bad will happen
-❤️ anon
You're always welcome in our inbox, anon and off-anon. We understand if you'd rather stay like this but will leave the door half open (DMs or off anon asks) in case you ever wanna be like "hey, it's me, hi :)" and then kinda exist acknowledged.
We "parallel play"-follow a lot of people, where we never actually talk to each other much but use notifications to be like "hiiii", so if that's a thing you'd be okay with, we can do that too :)
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I had responses to you but I am totally blanking lmao-
the things I can remember off the top of my head:
I occasionally get reminded of that ex friend anyway, so don’t be sorry! You’re all good and didn’t force me here or anything
with the racism and the faking Muslim thing- genuinely wtf- I’ve always despised the whole thing of systems in general or specific alters tryna pretend to be a part of smth they aren’t *for attention* (it just feels very pick me- like obviously alters can look different from the body but that doesn’t make you smth you’re not?? Esp if you put *zero* effort into actually immersing yourself into that culture or whatever it may be)
I still struggle with wanting to reach out to ppl I shouldn’t- it sucks- or just wanting to check up on them via looking at their socials without actually saying anything- but it usually just makes us worse so I try my best not to and have gotten much better at that over time- any time we have tried to reach out to someone we used to know that sucked, it went poorly- so thankfully we don’t do that anymore
I cannot remember what else I wanted to say-
-❤️ anon
Sorry we took so long, a lot going on lately!
You'll have to excuse the mess if it happens, we've been co-con for a while and a little out of it.
1. One of these points feels a bit discourse-y rn so we'll leave it up til here. We were talking about one individual system, not the larger community even while we do have our words about this issue, please no one come at us with discourse and don't be racist.
2. We also struggle with wanting to reach out despite knowing it's not gonna be good. But at the same time we're happy to inform that recently we blocked two people who were Not Great in our group of known people! So we're taking that as a win. Funny how that went, but I don't feel comfortable talking about it rn because the paranoia is up and running hah...
Again, super sorry we took so so long to respond to these. We hope you've been well!
Adding a cw of very mild syscourse adjacent mention and that please, to anyone reading this: we do not want to participate in syscourse and would prefer that no endos interact. The mention of traumagenic/endos/syscourse is mostly to state that we've seen different information from different sides on a particular subject (without seeking to participate in nor read syscourse but rather seen it as comments on general posts about DID in general)
We try not to get into syscourse for our own mental health, but sometimes it's a curious find of information that so happens to be surrounded by syscourse. So far I had only read the opposite from the traumagenic side of things, so that's interesting to me. I'll try to paraphrase what I've seen people saying because it was a while ago but a summary would be "alters cannot get pregnant, nor give birth. Pregnant alters can split (usually due to trauma regarding pregnancy of oneself or others), but they stay perpetually pregnant. Child (as in, son/daughter/etc) alters can split and be 'related' to an already existing alter, but they can't be born"
The only people I've seen mention that alters can get pregnant and have children have been endos (I stay so far away from syscourse that my phone keeps trying to change the term "endo" to "endoscopy")
Again, this is just what I've seen others say. I have read very little on more professional papers because we get a bit iffy with the concept of parenthood (as I presume is clear to see in that whole other situation). But it is an interesting thing I might ask out therapist on whether they know anything about it.
Continuing with the ask:
I'm really sorry, once again, that all of that happened to you. I don't think I addressed it as much before because I felt it may be a bit intrusive but I truly send you my best wishes to heal from it.
And I'm really sorry if it is the case that we may have gotten you to front by reminding you of such a thing. I offer my most sincere apologies if this has brought you distress in any way. I hope nice things have happened otherwise.
As for the urge of checking in on them.. yeah. Oh, god, yeah, and I feel sick to my stomach about it. Not just regarding F but another two people. You give so much and get treated so, so badly, and yet your instinct and your unwarranted guilt drag you around back to their porch..
Let me say that feeling guilty over leaving someone who has made concerning comments is not wrong, and is actually really undestandable. But oftentimes, and I should listen to myself about this too, we self-impose guilt without realising in situations of leaving people who are causing us harm because we figure that if they're not gonna take the responsibility nor the punishment, somebody else has to, and that might as well be the only other person involved (a.k.a. us. General us, not me and my system necessarily, I hope it's not confusing..?)
Sometimes part of us wants to believet that this person maybe could've gotten better in their ways towards us if we waited just a little longer. But that is not sustainable at all.
I also hope the same happens with you all. That you can heal and get past it. I don't think we forget these kinds of things, but we learn to put them down into peace eventually. And I think that's what you and we need to do. In our own times, of course.
Also, do not apologise for rambling, it's nice to talk to someone, I confess. We don't talk to many people, really, so even with this subject matter, it's been nice. At least on my end. My spouse gets pretty angry but in a way that feels good, I would say? I mean, he's cussing and being really emphatic, but he's letting it out in a much less obsessive paranoid way than he used to before. Now he even laughs a little at it, despite the still-pervasive feeling of violation of boundaries.
iirc, I think we sent another ask after the “yeah- F sounds fucking horrible….” thing that was rambling abt that sys friend but I cannot remember wtf we said- it was one of the alters who dealt with most of their shit so he probably messages a little differently
(pretty sure he added smth at the end abt “srry for rambling so much” if that helps?)
❤️anon
Yeah, 🦕 is gonna answer that one when we're a bit clearer, I know exactly what ask you're talking about. Also bc it needs a read more.
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Regarding the second ask, the continuation of the last one, I will not posting it due to the inability to put a read more on it and I don't feel comfortable posting such a thing without the read more.
So I will answer here.
I feel you're entitled to acknowledge what that split means. I also feel that that person is being a massive hypocrite after the things they made you go through.
TW in the second half of the ask and response for SA, pregnancy, forced parenthood/babytrapping, I guess? Non-consensual "use" of alters, rape similitudes.
That is precisely the thing I'm most afraid of. I am a hypersexuality holder, and I can be very sexual in my conversations (though I always make sure I'm having said conversations with fully grown adults and nobody's regressed. It's just not something I'm comfortable talking with to someone regressed). But that does not give someone else the right or open floor to try and get with me, you know? I was being flirted with, and I don't know why people think being open about struggling with hypersexuality is an open invitation to offer to let me get them off, or to compete on who can fluster me more. And having someone potentially creating a copy of myself to "win" and use me? Even if for non-sexual things, still makes me feel like I'm being violated and made to put on a show and to cater to people against my will.
On the other thing..
I am not super knowledgeable on certain aspects of systemhood and how DID can work for certain situations, so please do correct me if I'm completely off, I will learn from it, but I was made to understand that alters cannot get pregnant (in headspace) nor like, give birth to other alters?
I don't know how much I believe that person you're talking about, maybe they wanted to mess with you and guilt trip you into something under a fake story (as in, maybe there were indeed child alters, just not in the way they claimed they formed or something?). Again, feel absolutely free to correct me if this is actually something that can happen!
I really hope it's truly over and they don't contact you again now that you're out of that situation. My condolences and I hope good things go with you.
I appreciate the good wishes as well. We're doing a little better, somehow. Still not great but hopefully better every day.
