#queensjenn

He slept for one hour. No one questioned how he only managed one hour when he left the spotlight with two and a half hours to spare before the wake up call.

He slept for one hour, knocked out by utter exhaustion. No one questioned why his wife appeared well-rested with a young baby in the house. Even she thought the baby slept through the night, never catching his screams until the morning.

He slept for one hour that night. The previous night he managed two periods of fortyfive minutes. The night before that, he didn’t sleep at all.

I’m tired had become as much a defense as it was an acknowledgement of how things were. It’s not that I don’t feel anything anymore, I’m just tired. It’s not that they hate me, I’m just tired. Tired of everything.

The white walls of the radio station flickered with bright colours. He could ignore it while talking with the hosts, laughing and making jokes. But when he and Bård were guided out of the room, the intensity of the colours grew. The small specks were no longer easily ignored but they filled his entire vision. He kept walking.

Bård was talking behind him. He caught the beginning of the sentence, but the rest was lost. He heard a steady thumping in his ears, like he had pressed a large seashell against the side of his face. The phenomenon fascinated him and he missed a corner. His shoulder brushed against the white wall and he heard Bård laugh.

It’s funny because you’re a joke. Nothing you do matters.

He tried to wave his hand flippantly, to show that he was indeed a moron for walking into walls, but the hand stayed by his side. A second try made it rise to touch his brow. His head was throbbing in time with the thumping in his ears. The resonance of the rhythm made him dizzy. Bård was saying something behind him again, sounding angry.

Get some sleep, you look like shit. How can you be so tired when I have to take care of them all day? Just go away.

"Okay," Vegard whispered.

The throbbing in his head grew too powerful to suppress. The strength of the beats knocked him over. He offered no resistance.

…

"Vegard!"

I ruined everything again.

"Vegard, what happened?"

Someone placed a warm hand on his shoulder. He couldn’t see who it was. He couldn’t see anything.

I fucked up.

"Shit, Vegard! Can you hear me?"

The hand shook him, gently, urgently. He closed his aching eyes. Voices argued around him, throwing hostile words back and forth. He cared nothing for them.

"Get that fucking camera off my face! Give some space, for fuck’s sake!"

Bård was furious. Vegard wondered what got him upset.

You. You fucked up again and he has to clean the mess.

"Vegard, come on, you’re scaring me. Can you hear me?"

He blinked his eyes open. The colours faded and he could see the frowning face in front of him and feel the floor against his cheek.

"Sorry," he muttered, having nothing else to offer.

The hug took him by surprise. Bård wrapped his arms around him so quickly he couldn’t react. A new kind of blurriness filled his vision, this time brought on by excess moisture.

"Thank fuck you’re okay!"