#quartzcastle

Go with whatever your heart desires. GET SOME…?

I know that when I say I feel sick, a lot of people don't realize how much I mean that statement. When I say I feel sick, I don't mean I'm ill. I mean that I feel exactly how I have for the past eight months, every single day. I feel nauseous, and it's horrible because no matter how sick I feel, I never actually throw up, which means I have to way to make the feeling go away. I feel dizzy - what I mean is that my eyes unfocus themselves, and the room spins, and even if I'm sitting down I feel like I'm about to topple over. I feel faint - if we're standing up to do something in class, I have to sit down or lie down right then and there. People stare, teachers get mad. And sometimes all of this happens at the same time. All day, every single day. It's gotten to the point where if I have more than three or four hours in a row where I feel fine, I am really happy. If I happen to go most of a day without feeling bad, I'm happy enough to cry, if that makes sense. I've been to three doctors and seven specialists, had probably hundreds of blood tests taken by now, and no one still has any idea how to treat it or what it is. And the worst part about it is that I have to miss doing the things I would normally be able to do. Mainly, band.

I'm not being dramatic. I know if you're not in band, or even if you are but don't really have that connection, it seems like I'm making a big deal. I'm not. Going to band practice every morning is the funnest thing about the day. On the days that I have band class, my day is automatically better. I'll skip tutorials even if I'm failing just to stay in the band hall and talk with people. When I think of people to call to make plans if I happen to be feeling good enough on any given, the first twenty people on the list are friends who are in band. Out of the 56 contacts in my phone, 51 of them are in band. Any person I could name as my best friend is in band. These are the people I look forward to seeing every day.

Every single good school memory that comes to my mind, every single one, has something to do with band. I look forward to football games and pep rallies even though I don't give a damn about football, because I know that I get to sit in the stands, dance in the stands, and talk with my friends and make more memories. The competition that the my band is going to tomorrow was my favorite weekend of the year last year. But I can't go, because I can't be stuck there if I'm feeling bad and it's a four hour drive away from where my parents could come get me. I just had to leave the football game that we were at, and I know it sounds cliche but it's breaking my heart, literally. Walking out of the stands tonight and looking at my friends waving goodbye at me, watching people dancing, it made me cry thinking about what I am having to miss. Tomorrow, I don't get to go be with the band all day. I don't get to have that four hour charter bus ride that I enjoyed so much last year. I don't get to hang around at the mall for six hours and make a fool of myself with my friends, and I don't get to sit up in the stands and watch my band perform the show that I'm so proud of and love so much. Because I feel bad, my band directors gave me a shadow, and he ended up getting the marching spot. Which means I don't get to march the show in a performance at all this year. And you have no idea how much that means to me. I will be sitting at home feeling sick tomorrow, all alone. 

And even though I put emphasis on band, it's not just band. Social events, birthday parties, intersection kickball games - I have to miss it all. Trumpets vs. Flutes had a kickball game and I couldn't play because I was feeling bad. I had to miss my best friend's sixteenth birthday party, and I might have to miss one of my other best friend's eighteenth birthday, because of me feeling bad. I saved up more than $800 total to go to the Bigbang concert, my first concert ever, with all of my fellow VIPs and Bigbang, who have helped me so much. But I can't go. Missing all this stuff... you have no idea how sad it makes me. 

I know that you guys, my friends, want me to be doing stuff. But no matter how much you wish I was there, I wish I was there a million times more. I'm sitting on the couch writing this and sobbing, and my eyes are so blurry that I can barely even see what I'm typing. It's literally tearing me apart. It makes me wonder why I even still live. Why not just die if I can't live my life.