#quartercest

Gwen/David: Okay, yeah. Obviously. These are my babies.

(They are incapable of being the grown-up at the same time and I am LIVING.)

I’m a huge sucker for any time a big tough girl and a sweet femme boy date because GAH cute, but I also feel like there’s so much fun to be had with these losers. Her obvious anxiety issues match so well with David’s own, and they have such different ways of handling it that there’s a lot of opportunities to bounce off each other and grow together. Besides, she’s levelheaded and seems to keep him more or less on-target, and while she hates this job she cares about him and wants him to be okay, and it just makes my heart melt when an apathetic character has an exception especially when that exception is a sunshine boy and ahhhhh the cute

It’s basically opposites attract, but with some weird connective tissue in the form of their few similarities.

Jasper/David/Gwen: This isn’t … this isn’t a thing, guys. It’s just some bullshit @hopefullypessimistic84​ and I made up because I ship her Jaspid and she ships my Gwenvid and so we smushed them together like Barbie dolls and made them kiss.

Doesn’t mean I love it any less, though. These three are cuties and I am a fan.

Jasper/David: They’re fucking soulmates. 

Besides, any relationship in which David is the bad boy is automatically too hilarious and sweet not to love. We don’t know a ton about Jasper — and therefore about their relationship — but I could not be more here for it.

Obviously this is either as kids before he died, or as adults in a world where Jasper lives and grew up to be a sweet 90s dood a la HopefullyPessimistic and @sinisterspooks​‘ AU; I’m not about that ghost-child-fucking.

Max/Neil/Nikki: I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know why it happened.

I just know I would die for this ship. 

(Also I’ve named it Makkiel and this is badass.)

Nerris/Preston/Harrison: I’m pretty sure this one is entirely the fault of @sakisketches​? I’m not actually confident these three share any screentime on the actual show, but I love everything Saki’s made for them and now I couldn’t be more here for it.

(Genuinely couldn’t find anything with just them, sorry!)

It’s the kinda ship that makes more sense the more you think about it. They’re the ones with the weird, esoteric, “useless” interests, the kind of things that’ve made them no stranger to bullying. They’re all very competitive, passionate, dramatic … I’d imagine their relationship would be one filled with a lot of clashing, but it’d also be big and bright and beautiful.

Nurf/Petrol: This is another ship that isn’t actually a thing, but @directium​ made me believe. Damn you for making me love Perf. They’re such big strong boys and they deserve better than their shitty camps.

Besides, tell me Nurf wouldn’t be able to understand whatever reason Petrol has for not talking and would be sensitive and able to communicate perfectly regardless. Just try and tell me that wouldn’t happen.

Nerris/Harrison: Honestly, this dropped a little lower on this list while I was writing it, because … Nerris is kinda a bitch.

Don’t get me wrong — Harrison’s a prick too, especially to poor Max. But this kid gets bullied and insulted by basically everyone at camp, and you’d kinda expect these two to stick together because … well, they’re the biggest losers by far (excepting Preston).

That being said, I could see them growing out of their rivalry into a sort of grudging admiration and continuing on from there. Plus tell me these two wouldn’t just be gorgeous when they grow up, in terms of fashion. They’d be the power couple of the century.

(Okay but I cannot let this slide: in what universe is Nerris the true magic kid? Harrison can do literal magic! How did he not win this argument the second he actually set something on fire with the power of his mind?!)

Nikki/Sasha: Another couple where one of them needs to become so much less of a bitch for this to work. But … I mean:

(legit the only picture I could find that they were both in, pfft)

The only thing I’m almost as much of a sucker for than the tough girl/femme boy pairing is the tomboy/girly girl pairing. And if Nikki could corrupt Sasha to the fun of being wild and … like, not just the goddamn worst, it could be adorable.

Gwen/Bonquisha: Okay but. How fucking cute would this be?

Look at that face! Look how starstruck she is! She’d be like a Chihuahua dating a Mastiff; Gwen would go around starting fights and Bonquisha would have to pull her out of them and/or escalate things. They’d be the instigators of so much drama and would watch trash TV and giggle and it’d be sweet as fuck.

And they’d make David’s life miserable in the best possible way.

David/Bonquisha: So that tough girl/soft boy thing I was talking about earlier?

Multiply that by like 200. 

The major reason this one isn’t up there with Gwenvid is that there’s not that much to Bonquisha, and while she’s absolutely the queen of my heart, she isn’t as well-developed a character. Also I think David would spend most of their relationship being terrified of her, because she’s scary and he’s very squishy and delicate.

Nikki/Neil: This one’s the fault of @ciphernetics​, who dedicated about 2 seconds to it in one of her fics and now I’m in love with it forever.

I could totally see Neil being captivated by Nikki’s energy and vibrancy, and she’d have so much fun dragging him along on her adventures. And of course there’s the fact that Neil’s so cautious and levelheaded that he’d keep her from going off the deep end and getting herself killed; they’re kinda like Gwenvid in that way, I guess? Boundless enthusiasm meets snarky cynicism and makes Forestwater cry.

Max/Neil: Despite the fact that there’s an author on Ao3 that basically ruined this ship for me forever, it’s hard to deny these two are either bromates or soulmates.

They get each other. They’re both highly intelligent, oddly protective of their friends, so married to their ideals that it leads to them being massive douchebags to said friends, and just so very sarcastic.

Harrison/Nikki: He’s got a massive crush, right?

And Nikki loves how he can basically (accidentally) summon adventure. Together they’d be unstoppable! Seriously, I’m not sure there’s two people here with such mutual admiration for each other and that’s really sweet. 

Good kids, equally morally questionable, and Nikki could protect him while he summons fireballs to entertain her. It’d be precious.

Max/Nerris: Blame HopefullyPessimistic for this one again. She believes in it hard and where she goes, I must follow.

The fact that these two are kinda abrasive and harsh makes them interesting. It’d be fun to watch them trade barbs — as opposed to the kicking-a-bunny thing Nerris does with Harrison and Max does with Space Kid and David (and Gwen, kinda). They’re well-matched in terms of intelligence and ability to throw shade.

Ered/Nikki: Okay, yes, Ered is manipulative and mean and Nikki’s blind adoration of her is very unhealthy. BUT:

They’d be the most badass couple ever. They’d go on insane adventures all the time, and since Nikki seems incapable of being hurt and Ered’s injured all the time, we’d get adorable things like Nikki carrying Ered’s wheelchair up a mountain and doting over her every time she gets hurt. 

They’d be the beautiful butches we need, and I could see Nikki’s bravery and loyalty really breaking through Ered’s seemingly cold (cool? Ahahaha I think I’m clever) heart until she’d actually stand up for Nikki instead of just using her.

Max/Nikki: Not really my ship (not without Neil to balance them out), but these two are adventurous in a way that Neil isn’t. They have an energy and creativity that means they’d keep up with each other long after anyone else would’ve passed out from exhaustion and pure “guys just fucking stop.” I can see why people like it, even if it’s not my thing.

(But seriously, why not add a Neil? Both of these kids would benefit from a nice, rational Neil.)

Quartermaster/Quartersister: I recognize that this should be at the very bottom of the list, and possibly not even on it for pure oh dear god no. But …

I’m sorry, they’re just too fucking funny. It’s sick and gross and wrong and terrible and god help me I love it so much. You get down with your nasty self, QM. And you murder-bang as many grizzled nasty sisters as you want. I won’t judge (much).

Neil/Nerris: I don’t … really see this?

I do think they could get along; they’re definitely the most aligned in terms of interests, and Neil’s so spindly that even Nerris seems badass in comparison. Besides, Nerris doesn’t seem like the type to have patience for a guy unless he’s falling down appreciating her awesomeness, so in a weird way they’re kinda suited for each other. (And she’d totally get him into nerd culture and they’d rock DnD together.)

Plus, he called her “the Cute.” More than once. That’s might sweet.

Max/Preston: Nope, I don’t get this one.

I have nothing against it, they just seem to … hate each other? And yes, I realize “they hate each other” was the basis for more than one of the ships much higher up on this list, but … okay, I never said this was going to be a rational and well-thought-out ranking. I’m just vomiting thoughts on a page here, and for some reason these two don’t really work for me.

I think part of it is that Preston seems very anxious and high-strung, and Max is laid-back, but in the kind of way where he’d get a total kick out of fucking with Preston at every opportunity. Which is funny, but it doesn’t strike me as sustainable. Max needs to learn how to chill or Preston needs to learn how to chill. At this point in the show neither of them have any chill and I feel like it’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Neil/Tabii: Let me just start by saying that I love Tabii to pieces. She is adorable and precious and everything I need.

Unfortunately, if Neil’s into girls Tabii is very much not his type, and I don’t see a way for this to work out unless Tabii … completely gets an overhaul of her personality? I love this for being sweet and funny and relatable (I can’t have been the only one who had a devastating crush on a boy in his “girls have cooties” phase, am I?), but I don’t see it ever actually happening, you know?

Ered/Dolph: This is a thing? Really?

I don’t have anything against it, I just don’t see what’s there. Dolph having some sort of hero-worship for her is plausible (and admittedly quite adorable), but I’m not sure what they have in common. This could be a case of tough girl/sweet boy, I guess, considering how soft and artistic Dolph seems to be, but I’d need to see them interact more to really have an opinion on it.

Campbell/David: Well, aside from the fact that Ciphernetics with her amazing talent makes me want to believe, I have to file this one under “holy fuck is that unhealthy.”

Because he’s just … the relationship would be absurdly one-sided, the weird age difference notwithstanding, and David’s feelings, assuming they aren’t pure “daddy issues” and extend to … ahem, “daddy issues,” are super confused and fucked-up and vaguely incestuous? (Yes, okay, I realize that this is super hypocritical considering the QM/QS thing, but … what can I say, Quartermaster is an exception to literally every rule.) 

Besides, I can’t help but feel that any relationship they’d have would be manipulative and neglectful on Campbell’s part, and Davey doesn’t deserve that. He deserves someone who looks out for him, and Campbell … is not that. 

Also though, the age difference. Ew. And the fact that Campbell tried to kill him. Double ew.

Daniel/David: I can’t believe I’m saying this for the second time, but I do not support David being with anyone who has murdered children, or has considered murdering children. Just sort of a dealbreaker for me.

On top of that (in case we needed an “on top of that”), he breaks David down into his greatest insecurities and uses them against him, and causes David to make the saddest face I think I’ve ever seen and I actually wanted to cry a little bit, and I cannot tolerate this. Daniel has lost all of my affection and I must hate him forever for emotionally devastating my sonsband in this way. 

So nope, really don’t like this ship; totally get why people like it, but it makes me squirmy in all the wrong ways. This has been very difficult for a couple reasons:

Daniel looks just like David. There is something exceedingly attractive about 2 Davids. Yes, I am garbage. Don’t judge me.

The fan art for this ship is so fucking good you guys! SO GOOD

Campbell/Gwen: Gwen deserves someone who knows her fucking name.

And who doesn’t hit her in the face.

And who isn’t wanted by the government.

Gwen deserves better, is what I’m saying.

Pikeman/Gwen: This could be cute in a Neil/Tabii sort of way, if it wasn’t for the fact that Pikeman seems really …

Really creepy. I’m not saying he strikes me as the weird cross-breed of “Nice Guy” and “date-rapey,” but he did kidnap and beat a child. 

A lot of the people at the bottom of this list are not very kind to children. And have egos the size of Mount Rushmore. And have weird hair poofs.

Counselor/Camper: So this is a fairly obvious one, for fairly obvious reasons. It’s illegal and predatory and gross, and I feel like David in particular would kill himself before he’d ever hurt a child like that, so it strikes me as out of character. (This doesn’t mean I’m not a fan of any of the campers having crushes on any of the adults; that’s cute as fuck. It’s the adults returning the attraction that’s a big fat nope.)

I feel like I should devote a little extra attention to the Max/David ship, just because it’s by far the most popular and in a weird way … I get it? Don’t get me wrong, it’s at the rock-bottom of this list for a reason, but like I said, there’s something sweet about a grumpy cynic and pure sunshine getting together; if they were the same age I’d totally see these two as a plausible ship.

That being said … they’re not the same age. More than the ick factor, I just don’t think there’s much there? I’ve heard people compare Mavid to Gwenvid, and with good reason (Max and Gwen are similar in a lot of ways), but the difference is that David and Gwen can relate to each other as equals, as coworkers and people going through the same general period of life, with the same level of physical and emotional development, and an ability to support one another.

Max … cannot do that. 

There’s a reason the “David adopts Max AU” is hands-down the most popular in the fandom, and it’s because Max needs someone like David. At least while he’s at camp, he needs a father, to be showered in unconditional love and affirmation. The thing is, though, Max can’t return that affection, not the way a partner needs to; he’s not emotionally capable of it. Because he’s a child. 

It feels really weird to spill this much ink to say “I don’t like this ship because one of them is 10 years old and one of them’s a freaking adult,” but Max acts so mature that I think it’s easy to forget how young he really is. He’s a kid, and he needs a dad. David’s an adult, and he needs a grown-up. Even shoving the whole “hey guys it’s pedophilia” thing aside — and I realize that’s a hell of an ask, since … yeah, that’s not easy to shove aside — it’s unhealthy and one-sided. Plus it requires David to be a lot more predatory than I’m comfortable with.

Okay, I don’t wanna end this on a downer note, so let me throw a shout out to some really awesome authors who’ve made shipfics that I melt over. In literally no order:

HopefullyPessimistic, “Finding a Family” – Jaspid

Ciphernetics, “You Have Someone That Loves You” – Gwenvid, minor Camvid, minor David/OC

@microsuedemouse​, “Second Degree Sunburns” – Gwenvid

funhousefreak, “Bound” – Makkiel

mrsilikemyself, “un año más” – Max/Neil, unrequited Mavid

adrianthealien, “Take the Stupid Flower” – Praxton (tbh, haven’t actually read this one yet, but it looks adorable)

phobiaDeficient (TheTriggeredHappy), “The One Where David Is In Over His Head” – Danvid, not actually Gwenvid but I squinted and saw some