#qt.musing

Transcribed poem (in case you can’t read my handwriting):

I long to break your wrists,  to drink the pulse from your veins  like the sweetest truth I've ever known.  To trace the line where blood meets skin,  and call it home.  Let me die by the heat of your touch,  splintered, undone,  as you pull my heart out  and kiss it bare,  a fragile thing made perfect  in the hollow of your gaze.  I would give you all of me  every shattered piece,  every whisper of devotion,  until I am nothing but  the broken echo of your name  on a tongue of blood.  Split me in two if you must,  my love,  for I would not fight,  only surrender  to the weight of you  until there is nothing left  but us. 

This poem represents how I want to be loved, but also how deep my love runs. I’ll admit it: I hate being vulnerable, and sometimes I hate showing people what’s going on in my little brain. But I also long to show these things, these parts of me, to be understood. Please love me and ignore me at the same time.

Here, in my little corner of the internet, I can just put it out there. If it resonates, it does. If not, it still exists outside my mind—and that is enough.

Dividers: saradika-graphics

Before you lecture me and chastise my poor dating decisions, understand that I was curious (and perhaps a little lonely). Looking beautiful, mysterious, and very approachable in bookstores and parks just wasn’t working out for me—so I caved.

I installed Bumble. I wanted to see what awaited on the other side of the screen. Spoiler alert: very toxic and weird men.

I mean, I know, you know, everybody knows—my blog is primarily focused on Fyodor; but just because I love a dark, twisted, misunderstood man doesn’t mean I want to be love bombed in real life.

Do I want a man who sees my weird, chaotic side and chooses to keep me? Of course. Do I want a man who gets moody and crosses my boundaries? No—a la poubelle! (I will be saying this a lot in this post.)

So for the past few days, I’ve been playing matchmaker with myself... seeing how many red flags I can collect before politely telling someone, “This was not meant to be.”

And let me tell you: people show their true nature the second you set a boundary.

There was this one guy—let’s call him Isaac. He seemed very sweet: gentle giant vibes, long hair, a woodworking boy. He was well-read, worked as a nurse, played games in his free time... I thought, “Nice! Why is this man not taken?”

And then it came; and I saw what he was made of.

If a man assumes what you want instead of asking you—a la poubelle. If he’s more interested in making a point than meeting you halfway—a la poubelle. If he doesn’t respect boundaries—a la poubelle. If he builds intimacy not to know you, but to make you receptive to his presence, his advances, his demands... a la poubelle!

It’s one thing to read about this kind of manipulation, and it’s another thing entirely to experience it. But I wanted to tell you all this because if any man ever took advantage of you or hurt your sweet soul, I would personally get on a plane—and you’d probably see me on the news.

I hex any man who even thinks of hurting you, or any other person I hold dear in my heart. ❤︎

Since my breakup, I’ve become more aware of my body’s cues and needs. I’ve always struggled with fawning, but this time I stood my ground. And I’m proud of myself. Hihi. ^^ (That man was thrown away and thoroughly blocked.)

Also... gaslighting? Especially self gaslighting? Extremely dangerous. I’ve realized our bodies often pick up on things before our brains can process them. Period. If the vibes are off, and you feel unsafe—step back. Don’t second-guess your gut. Sit with the feeling and watch how the behavior unfolds.

I’ve been building my resistance to people like this. It’s actually a good mental exercise. :>

Now, on a lighter note...

I’ve been excited for a few things lately: my upcoming birthday, a date, and a little family trip to Spain.

My birthday’s not a big deal, but I’m happy I get to spend it with family and close friends—eat cake my dad will bake, play games, and just joke around. Like you, I’m a bit of a wallflower, so being the center of attention can feel daunting; but sometimes we do need our time to shine and be properly appreciated. ^^

The date is also exciting—we’re going to an art museum in my city. The guy I’m seeing is well-read, with an interesting mind. He also made me a playlist, which I found very endearing. I hope he’s as kind and respectful as he is smart. •ᴗ• (a la poubelle if not)

Edit: I have learned he is INTJ. (I am not projecting my love for INTJs and Fyodor at all)

As for the trip: we’re visiting family friends and making it a road trip from Romania to Spain, with a stop in Italy to see my aunt. Honestly, this might be the highlight of my summer. I haven’t left the country in four years.

We’re going to Valencia, and I can’t wait to see the opera house and visit the beach at night (because I’m a vampire and I burn in the sunlight.)

My dad joked “What if someone steals you away?” To which my mom replied “She’s a handful. They’ll hear how much she talks and hand her right back.”

Ah, the cruelty!!! ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝)

And finally—here’s a cute little photo of me and my friend petting a cat in Terraria.

I’m on the left, she’s on the right. The kitty looks exactly like my Sonya, so I was extra happy. 🖤

Thank you for checking in with me, my dear. I wish you nothing but a chill breeze, soft vibes and for you to stay hydrated! (ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ.ﾟ Here is a little song for you, it's vibey and I think it will put you in a good mood.

I wish to be loved like this, and I wish for you to be loved like this as well. ❤︎