#qpradvice

So here is a tip on figuring out if you want to be in a qpr or not and how I got into mine so that hopefully it helps someone figure out how to do it.

You don't need to get a kinda crush on the person to want to be in a qpr, it's not a romantic relationship. Qprs can be build with a friend that you just wish to spend your life with or be closer with. I used to expect to have almost a crush on a person to want a qpr, but I saw a post here on Tumblr explaining that it's not necessary bc it's platonic, you don't need any other type of attraction (not in the sense that you cannot have other types of attraction). For me it's platonic attraction with sensual attraction and also a desire to spend my life with them and be closer. It's the fact that I've know him for almost two years and feel like I've known him my whole life and wish to continue knowing him for the rest of it. It's the want of having to share responsibilities and maybe have plants and/or pets together one day. My point is don't wait for a qp attraction to get into a qpr bc there might be no such thing as a qp attraction, or maybe it's called an attraction but it's really just a combination of feelings and wants that is unique to each person.

As for how to start one, I'll be honest all did was ask him if he wanted to deepen the friendship and maybe get into a qpr (in many words, I wrote a whole thing ahead of time and then sent it to him) . So at first we just discussed all the things we were comfortable and uncomfortable with using a Relationship Anarchy smogbord (no clue how to spell it) and once we were done comparing answers and discussing, setting boundaries and all, we then decided to label it a qpr.

:)

Basically, I'm in a qpr with this person, and he has another qpp. They just.. seem to know exactly what to say on his posts where he's tagging us (me and the other partner) and they're also more confident in like, posting cute stuff on their stories and tagging him, and I don't know why but I feel as if I'm not being "good enough"..

(Sorry this ask has been rotting in my inbox for months, I haven't had the energy to answer it)

That's rough. Comparison is a difficult yet unfortunately common problem to face, especially with polyamorous relationships. But, not to be cliche, comparison is the thief of joy. Some people just express their affection more openly, but that doesn't mean they necessarily experience more affection then someone who's maybe more quiet, they just show it differently. This is true of relationships too, and I feel like that could be the case—especially if he's been qpps with this other person for longer.

Anyways, I can probably guarantee you that you're not a "worse" partner then his other qpp, just a different one. And that's okay! I'm sure he appreciates you all the same.

–Mod Ari

I have been long distance friends with this person for over a year and we are really close (I think) and I tend to get too attached to people so the situation is becoming really weird (at least for me).

Both of us are on the aromantic spectrum, and while I am at this point pretty sure I feel some sort of queerplatonic attraction towards them, I am also pretty sure they don't, and I'm really damn scared they if they ever were to know it would make them uncomfortable.

If I were to tell them and they didn't react poorly to it nothing would really change, also considering we have virtually no means of seeing eachother in person, but idk it feels very disingenuous to not let them know

Advice would really be great

Thanks for your time <3

Sorry this ask is so late, I had a really busy spring so I didn't have the spoons to dole out advice lol. Even though the situation has probably resolved itself already I'm gonna give some advice, though, so be prepared.

You should totally tell them! Not just for the sake of being honest, but because you might be wrong about their feelings towards you. It's very easy to think someone thinks the worst about us because we see the worst in ourselves, but that's not often the case. You pretty much can't know how someone feels about you unless they tell you themselves, and I think this is doubly true for long distance. So, I would reason to bet your long distance friend likes you more than you think, anon. But then again, I don't really know because I don't know them and their feelings at all! It's up to you to figure it out.

Oh, and let me tell you this—I was someone's bisexual awakening once (they had a crush on me and I identified as a girl at the time lol), and it was awkward, yes, but only for a little while. That person and I are still close, and the two of us kinda forgot about the whole thing. So, even if your friend doesn't like you back, that doesn't mean they won't want to be friends with you at all. If they don't, fuck 'em.

(And also, I think it being queerplatonic attraction instead of romantic attraction might change things? It depends on what you mean by queerplatonic attraction lol).

Anyways, I hope this advice is helpful, even though you probably already resolved the situation by yourself lmao. Perhaps it can help you out in the futureeeee!

( sorry if this is king pls feel free to ignore )

So my bestie and I are in a QPR, and only a few people know about it but a lot of their reactions to hearing about it is just them romanticising our non romantic relationship. My partner is very uncomfortable with the idea of being perceived as being in a romantic relationship and actually wanted to end the relationship. I feel like we can fix this problem though if we set proper boundaries with the people who know and educate them on what QPRs even are because a lot of them haven’t even heard of one. Do you have any advice on how to properly explain what a QPR is to someone who has never heard of one?

Hi anon!

Explaining a QPR to someone who might not be familiar with them is pretty difficult. In situations like these, my brain always falls back to metaphors—it allows people to get the basic concept down, at least. For QPRs, I’d describe it like this—if romance is an apple and friendship is a banana, QPRs would be an orange. They’re not quite apples, they’re not quite bananas, but they share similarities and differences with both. For example, both apples and oranges are roughly spherical, and both oranges and bananas have tough skin that you usually do not eat. To make the connection to QPRs, you could say something like “my qpp and i do x (something associated with romance), but we also do x (something associated with friendship).” Online sources like this article might also be a help.

Anyways, another important thing to address while explaining this is your qpp’s discomfort. Just, what, specifically, bothered them? Is it inappropriate comments? Incorrect assumptions? The more specific it is, the easier it will be to address. Be sure to tell the people you know that these things make your qpp uncomfortable (and they themself can tell them if they wish!). As long as you’re specific and non-accusatory (use “I” statements instead of “you” statements), you should get the point across.