#pxxp

and she poured out my last bottle this afternoon while i napped (i asked her to do that during the session because i know i wouldn’t do it, i’d keep it ‘to cook with’ or some other bullshit) and she’s gonna take me to aa

i worry when i mention my job sometimes because i am a manager in retail. some people who are ‘below’ me call me boss, though sometimes i think it’s more a jokey friendly thing. i mean most of the people who call me boss will also sometimes tell me what to do lol, course i don’t have to do what they say. but they still try and mostly because they know what they’re doing, i am new-ish after all. 

anyways, i ask people to stay late but i don’t push it too much. my boss wants me to push harder, the way she asks people to stay it sounds too much like they should feel bad if they don’t. i don’t want them to feel bad if they can’t or don’t want to stay late. if you don’t wanna stay late, you don’t have to!!!! i wanna tell them, i don’t care dudes, stay if you can and want to because i/we need you but also like.. you got something else you need to do? you’re tired? you wanna like watch tv or something? go home friend and i mean that, i love these people and i want them to do what feels right

and i hate that my boss wants me to push harder. i’m not going to. i will ask people to stay late because we need them. i need them, like it makes me look better if the stockroom is clear when i leave. but these are good people, also even if they annoy me (and some of them do sometimes), they’re people and like they deserve to go home if it’s the end of their scheduled shift you know

and actually, i’m not as wordy with it but i do tell them this. i ask if they can stay late but if they say no, i say okay. i don’t push it and i know my boss does and would want me to. i won’t like.... if they can’t/won’t, they can’t/won’t. why make them feel bad, i don’t like that..

anyways.. i guess i’m trying to be um.. not all managers, not all bosses haha but maybe i shouldn’t worry too much. i am trying my best to be good to these people, my ‘subordinates’ or whatever. like i want them to feel good about what they’re doing but also you know, when we’re puttin trash in the compactor, we’re throwing trash in a hole, i’m not gonna dress that up lol. but like.. i treat them like i treat my fellow managers, because we’re all working hard and deserve kindness.

so anyways, i’m quitting. already quit really, i drank the last of my last bottle two days ago, i think it was... friday. i’m happy with this decision. i wish i could have a drink, like one glass, once in a while but i can’t do that, i won’t. i know myself, it’ll escalate just like it did this time. i started out that way and i increased the number of times a week and the number of glasses each night until i’m having at least one drink every night, and then two or even three a couple nights a week. i know i’ll just keep increasing it and it’ll all get worse.