#puth

Water dripped onto his carefully arranged notes on the front stoop of his apartment building. Payu looked up to the sky, wondering why it always had to start raining at the worst possible times. He was stuck outside, with all of his students’ homework laying on the ground and he couldn’t let it get ruined. He was surprised to see that there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. The sun was smiling down at him. Mocking him in his misery. He lifted a hand to his face, feeling the tears that were involuntarily falling.

Payu rushed to finish his search for his keys before one of his neighbors came home and started asking him questions that he didn’t even know how to begin to answer. After all of his papers had been removed, he felt a ragged, metal object. He had at last found his keys. Telling himself, he would buy a big key chain the next time he was at the store, he pulled the keys out of his bag and began shoving his papers back. He would just have to reorganize everything later. Once he was in his apartment and he had eaten dinner. Yes, he just needed some food and he would feel better.

Payu stood and opened the door, making his way to his apartment. He didn’t think he had ever moved so fast in his life, while still trying to maintain a normal, nonchalant, definitely-nothing-to-see-here pace. Once he made it inside his apartment, Payu dropped his bag and slumped against his door. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened Instagram. He was already sad, so torturing himself a little bit further wouldn’t make much difference.

He pulled up Puth’s Instagram page. He saw pictures upon pictures of Puth and Kaeng, smiling and happy. A sharp pain shot across his heart. Payu knew that he had helped push Puth to choose someone else. To choose Kaeng. Payu had even met Kaeng and liked him. He remembered thinking how cute those two looked together that time they went to get pork barbecue. He didn’t remember feeling jealous back then though. Even if it was obvious that Kaeng was coming on to Puth. Payu had assumed that meant that his feelings for Puth weren’t that deep, which is why he was fine when Puth had chosen Kaeng over him.

At least that’s what he’s told himself for over a year. He had never been able to figure out where this jealousy had come from. He scrolled through Puth’s photos until he came across one of Kaeng and Puth sitting on a park bench, smiling at the camera. They were surrounded by pink camellias. It was a cute picture, but something was missing. There was a space in the middle, like a spot had been reserved for a third person that wasn’t there when the photo was taken. Payu remembered when Kaeng had begged him to get pork barbecue. Kaeng had clung to his arm and looked at him like a puppy begging for a treat. Payu had been between Kaeng and Puth then. It had felt so comfortable and safe. That was the last time he remembered feeling like he belonged somewhere.

Before he knew it, he had liked the photo. “Shit!” Payu gasped and threw his phone across the floor. That photo was from seven months ago. Puth was going to know that he had been lurking on his Instagram. Payu was considering grabbing his phone and deleting his account when it rang. Payu stood up and slowly approached his phone. He looked down at the caller ID and saw Puth’s picture lighting up the screen. “Shit!” Payu said again before answering the phone.

“Hello. Puth?” Payu said.

“P’Payu! I was just thinking about you and then I saw you like one of my Instagram photos,” at the sound of Puth’s voice, part of Payu’s emptiness faded away.

“Oh, yeah. It’s been a while since I was on Instagram and thought that was a really good picture,” Payu said, hoping that Puth wouldn’t think too hard about it.

“Really? Kaeng and I always thought something was missing from that picture,” Puth mused. Yeah, me, Payu thought, surprising himself. It was him that was missing from that picture. That’s why he had liked it. The physical space. He belonged there. That photo was proof that he was a missing piece from Puth and Kaeng.

“I just thought you both looked really good in that photo. Normally you two are hanging off of each other in photos, but you’ve kept some distance in that one,” Payu said, not knowing how exactly to bring up the fact that he was missing from that picture. He was missing from that picture! And every other picture for that matter.

“That’s true. Anyway, Kaeng and I were going to see a movie tonight and we thought it’s been a while since we saw you and we were wondering if you want to come see it with us?” Puth asked, unaware of the somersaults currently taking place in Payu’s stomach.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to impose on your date.” Payu said. “Impose on our date?!” he heard Puth exclaim before he heard a thud and then Kaeng’s voice replaced Puth’s.

“You’re not imposing on our date. We’re inviting you. Plus, we enjoy your company and I know Puth misses you. It’s been over a year and he’s barely heard from you. Please, come with us.” The last bit of emptiness that still remained even after hearing Puth’s voice disappeared and Payu smiled, finally feeling like he was whole again.

“Okay.”

Payu had no idea how he managed to contain his nerves while he showered, dressed, and drove to the movie theater.

“P’Payu!” he heard someone call his name as he walked up to the ticket booth. He turned to see Kaeng and Puth both smiling at him. Payu smiled back at them, then noticed their linked hands and he could feel his smile freeze on his face. Stop it, he chided himself. They are together and they are happy.

“What movie are we seeing? I still need to buy my ticket.” Payu asked, smile still plastered to his face.

“Don’t worry about that,” Kaeng said, “Puth is treating both of us tonight. He already bought the tickets. And I’m buying the snacks. Tonight is on us. Hope you like horror movies.”

Kaeng had finally said something that caused Payu to frown. “Horror?” he asked warily.

“Don’t worry, it will be fine,” Kaeng said, removing his hand from Puth’s and taking Payu’s. “We can protect you, right Puth?”

Puth reach out and grabbed Payu’s other hand, smiling, “Of course we will.”

Payu struggled to contain his glee as he held Puth and Kaeng’s hands. He was in the middle again. Between Puth and Kaeng. Right where he belonged. He could only hope that Puth and Kaeng could also feel the rightness of him being there. Holding their hands. He hoped they could feel the perfect fit of the three of them.

“C’mon, let’s go. It’s movie time,” Kaeng said and squeezed his hand.

Payu wasn’t entirely sure what happened in the movie as he was too focused on the two hands holding his. Puth and Kaeng held his hand through the entire movie. This had to mean something. They had to know what they were doing to him.

“What did you think of the movie, P’Payu?” Puth asked as they left the theater.

“Oh, um, I liked it? I guess. Horror isn’t really my favorite genre.” Payu responded, noting that Kaeng and Puth were both still holding his hands. He was still where he belonged. He dreaded when they parted and he went home. He could already feel how empty his soul was going to be as he drove home and fell asleep alone. But Payu was always the type of guy to rip off the bandaid, so trying not to sound as though the earth was shattering beneath his feet, he said “I should probably head home. I have an early day tomorrow.”

Though he tried to not sound deflated, Payu couldn’t help but shift his eyes down to stare at his feet as he spoke. Puth and Kaeng both squeezed his hand as if to say they weren’t going to let go.

“Why don’t you come home with us tonight?” Puth asked. Payu looked up, his eyes finding Puth’s. Did Puth know what he was saying? Did he know what he was doing to Payu’s heart? How cruel. Payu didn’t want to be a part of their sex life. He didn’t want to just be one night of fun for them.

Payu stared down Puth, not saying anything, hesitating. He could join them and have one night with the tow of them to always remember and hold on to, but he was scared that he would feel emptier if he had a taste and then had to give it up.

“It doesn’t have to be anything sexual,” Kaeng said. Payu shifted his gaze to Kaeng, lifting one eyebrow. “It’s just,” Kaeng started, “we always felt like someone was missing,” Puth finished for him. Kaeng nodded in agreement, “If you’re not interested, we understand, but we really like you Payu. You are our right person. Standing here, holding hands with you, it just feels right.”

For the second time that day, Payu cried. He nodded at Puth and Kaeng, “I’ve been feeling so empty without you two. You have no idea how much I wanted to be with you. I just couldn’t bring myself to ask. You seemed so happy. And then that picture of you two on the bench. It looked like you left space for someone. Like you left space for me and I –“ Payu choked on his tears. Kaeng and Puth just smiled at him before releasing his hands. Payu gaped at the lost warmth from their hands, only to be crushed in a warm hug. Puth and Kaeng rubbed at his back, comforting him.

“It will all be okay now,” Puth said, “we won’t be apart again.” Kaeng released him from the hug and grabbed his hand again. “C’mon,” he said, “let’s go home.”

They were a tangle of limbs as they fell asleep later that night. Kaeng was sleeping on Payu’s chest and Puth had his leg thrown lazily over the two of them. Payu smiled and hugged them, he was right where he belonged. Sandwiched between his two boyfriends, he drifted off to sleep.