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I just had the nicest dream and I am very sad that it isn’t reality. We all went out in our friend group and all fell asleep and I cuddled with him and we woke up like that. He then confronted me about liking him and I just kind of went with it. We then decided to try out th whole couple thing. I was so extremly happy in that dream. You don’t even know.
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Another bad day. In the evening I feel like someone is standig on my chest. Like a fist is clenching my lungs and my heart in my chest. It makes me want to cry but I can’t. There is nothing that I can do and at the same time everything is in my hands. I have to study to do this. I just can’t get myself to. I am not worth it because I can’t make myself study the whole day. I won’t be able to do this. And it breaks me. My life just has no reason anymore. It doesn’t make sense. If it would end right now, nothing would change. But I can’t do that to my parents. Or friends. But everything would be so much easier for me. But I can’t be that selfish. I can’t put myself first and just disappear. It would kill my mum.
But how I am living right now is killing me. I haven’t had a really good day in weeks. I haven’t been truly happyin weks and that’s just so sad. I wish I would have genuienly smiled, I wish I would have really laughed and enjoyed my friends, or my family. But there is always this little thought in my head that I won’t be able to archieve my goals and I have to. I don’t know anything else that I am good at. I’ve never been really good at anything except my love for emdicne and if my dream is ripped away from me because I didn’t get a certain grade it will forever be a huge what if in my life. I don’t think I can truly be happy if I don’t archieve it. I am not good a anything else.
I don’t have a talent. I am not very passionate for anything.
I will have nothing to archieve if I can’t get into med school.
I just don’t now what I would do then.
Id on’t know how to live without it.
I am having a horrible day. Well the day itself was okay. Then I googled the timetable if I was in med school and got really sad because I know that it just won’t happen. I am not smart enough. I am not motivated enough.
This is destroying me. I want this more than anything else yet I can’t make myself study as much as I want to! I won’t be able to do this. I am a huge failure and I wish I could do something about that.
It‘s just been a pretty crappy time lately.
Maybe in a few months everything will be better.
I might just be slightly in love with you. Or maybe I fell head over heels, but I can say, that I am sorry that I let you go.
Now you are happy without me.
I really want to fall in love. Love sounds so amazing and everyone who is in love seems just so happy. Maybe it’s just because I want to be happy.
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It’s actually kind of sad that I am craving attention so much. Attention is the only thing that keeps my interest on a person. But the attention is enough. There is never more there. As soon as they lose interest in me and I notice I want them back, I need the attention. I don’t know why but it’s the only thing that makes me feel happy and loved. I wish I could change that. I wish I could change myself. I want to be happy by myself but it’s a struggle. A real struggle.
Just emotions
I am having a terrible day. The past few days have been horrible. I am a creature of habit, as many probably, and because of that change is hard for me. Little changes are alright, big unknown changes with loads of possibilities on the other hand scare the shit out of me. The with experience I was at for the last 6 weeks was so horrible at first but got better over time and in the end I loved it. I loved the people there mostly and how much they allowed me to do. It was brilliant. The new place where I am now is very different but the same in some aspects. I am terrified. I don't know the people yet. I don't know the people we treat and I don't know how far I can go and what I am allowed to do. Everything right now is terribly confusing. I am so anxious to finally be accepted into just one uni. I want to study so bad, it's not funny. I don't think I've ever wanted anything more. But on the other hand I know that there is no chance of me being picked and actually going to uni even though I want it so much. There are probably more people going through similar stuff and there are people who have it way worse, I know that. But it doesn't help me feel less like shit.
Oh god. I haven't been on here in forever. But I had a really bad day today and I have to write my thoughts down somewhere. Well actually just my evening was crappy. I tried on my homecoming dress again and I couldn't zip it up. I've gotten fat over the last month. Pretty much exactly a month ago I was able to zip it up myself. Now my grandma and I couldn't zip it up together. I hate that. I can't possibly lose a lot of weight in like two days and I am afraid of what my mother will say when she finds out. She made some pretty hurtful remarks the last time I couldn't zip up that dress. And it made me feel horrible. I am afraid that on the day of my graduation she will make me feel the same again and that a day that should be one of the best will turn into a day where I will have to watch my every move and be conscious of my weight the whole day and I will never be able to feel good and just enjoy my time. I know my mother and I can bet you that she will say something like that. I don't even know if she means it like that or if she wants to be encouraging or helpful but the only thing she is doing by telling me that I should lose a few pounds is make me feel inferior. And worthless and fat. I know that fat shouldn't be an insult but in my family fat has always been something negative and I feel if I cannot lose the weight my mother will look down on me and think less of me because I am not strong enough to do what she did and loose 15 pounds. But I just can't. I do not know why but I seem to be unable to lose the weight I have packed on in my last two school years. Due to stress and not enough sleep and binge eating when I was feeling down ( which happened quite a lot sadly). I ain't even know why I am crying about such an unimportant topic like my weight because many people have it much worse and would be happy if they gained a little weight or had enough food to do so. This kind of didn't help at all but who cares. I needed to write it down. Why here? Because no one is going to read it anyway so I might as well out it up here.
