Hereâs a cheeky little girl band au in which A'Whora is sort of in love with her bandmate, Lawrence is sort of in love with her makeup artist, and Bimini has no idea whatâs going on. Enjoy, bing bang bong <3
Death by a thousand cuts lingers on AâWhoraâs mind. There seems to be a million ways to express how sheâs feeling; the straw that broke the camelâs back, the final tipping point. The way that little things just build and build and build until their crushing weight is suddenly made noticeable to the poor fool trapped beneath them, already without any hope of survival.
Maybe sheâs being dramatic, maybe poetic. Maybe thatâs why sheâs good at writing lyrics, why she scribbles them down in glittery notebooks that Lawrence makes fun of her for buying. They can hardly use what she writes in her free time, the need for fun, relatable and light-hearted lyrics far outweighing the demand for her emotional ramblings, but nevertheless sheâs still alright at it.
More than anything, itâs the numbness that bothers her. This pain isnât jarring, soul destroying, artistically tragic like she wishes it was. She mostly feels an ever-present nothing, with the occasional empty hole like a vacuum in her stomach that weighs on her late at night, alone in bed. The feeling is heavy and cold, but she canât describe it any better than that. Sheâs tried, and the scrunched up paper and furiously crossed out words provide more than enough explanation as to how that endeavour went.
Is she ridiculous to be angry over wanting a little communication, knowing she herself hasnât done it either? Is she hypocritical for internally begging Tayce to explain when she knows full well sheâs not explained her side?
Whatever the answer, sheâs an idiot for hooking up with her bandmate.
Sighing frustratedly, she throws her pencil across the room, likely to never be seen again, and shuts her notebook. The pencil flies through the air and hits the wall just as Lawrence enters, missing her head by mere centimetres. She reels backwards out of shock and then clings onto the doorframe, one hand on her heaving chest.
âFuck me! You trying to kill me or something?â Lawrence demands, her expressions every bit as big and blown up as they are on stage.
AâWhora flops onto her bed as Lawrence sits on hers - theyâre sharing the hotel room, Tayce and Bimini paired up across the hall.
âNot you, babes.â She rolls her eyes at herself, stretching her legs out as her head crashes into the pillow.
Lawrence snorts. âTrouble in paradise?â
âItâs far from fucking paradise and you know it, you nasty bitch.â AâWhora shoots back, relieved that neither of them are stupid enough to interpret any malice in the harsh way they speak to one another.
Truth be told, AâWhora and Tayceâs hooking up is probably the worst kept secret in all their band management. Tayce seems to think nobody knows, and sheâs all the happier for it, but AâWhora knows for a fact that Lawrence, the entire style team and their management all know whatâs going on - itâs really only Bimini, bless her, whoâs in the dark about it. The second worst kept secret is Lawrence and their makeup artist, Ellie, but thatâs the farthest from AâWhoraâs mind currently.
âIt used to be fun, you know what I mean, like? Like itâs just me and Tayce and weâre having a good time and everything, thereâs no pressure for dating or nothing like that, âcause she werenât ready for it.â
Lawrence blinks. âAm I supposed to be sensing a problem here, or?â
AâWhora groans. âShut up, bitch, Iâm trying to do a fucking monologue for you! Anyway, itâs just weird because I swear like I havenât done anything and nothingâs changed at all but her texts are really friendly rather than like flirty now?â
âAnd you havenât sent me off to Ellieâs room in a while so the two of you can fuck like rabbits.â Lawrence finishes, a sly grin on her face knowing that sheâs just pissed AâWhora right off by interrupting the aforementioned monologue.
Crude as she is, sheâs right - and AâWhora probably wouldâve worded it in a way more disgusting manner herself. Itâs a decent system that theyâve rigged up, honestly. Whenever Tayce texts, or AâWhora texts her, she sends Lawrence off to go find Ellie, makes up some lie about why their bandmate isnât sleeping in their room tonight, and then they can spend some quality time together. Itâs simple but efficient, hence its brilliance.
âSorry babes. You know you can still go see her even if Iâm not seeing Tayce?â
Lawrence snorts. âNah, youâre fine. To be honest sheâs fucked me right off recently so Iâm not in the mood to see her.â
Itâs horrible, but AâWhoraâs secretly glad that sheâs not the only one entangled in some kind of romantic or sexual turmoil. âAw, what did she do?â
âNone of your business, you nosy bitch!â Lawrence half-yells, but bizarrely, sheâs still not mad. âYou were ranting about your secret lover?â
âFuck off,â She shoots back, âI was done, anyway. Sheâs just, like, reset. I donât get it.â
Sheâs not strong enough to confide what she really thinks. It clouds her mind constantly, a small part of her brain daring her to just come out and say it in the malicious hope that sheâll find out how it feels to broadcast. Her stupid, selfish brain is worried that Tayce has met someone, someone she likes, someone sheâd be willing to, or interested in, pursuing a romantic relationship with. Because romance has never been part of their deal, something theyâd agreed on. Romance was off the table for Tayce because she wasnât ready, and AâWhora was fine with that.
Maybe she was in the wrong for going along with the hook ups and flirting under false pretences. AâWhora had hoped, secretly, that over time, Tayceâs aversion to love and commitment might begin to soften, and surely the most natural, safe way to ease into it would be with someone who she already knew could have a fun flirty rapport with her, not to mention a metric fuckton of sexual chemistry?
Behind every flirty text held the secret hope that Tayceâs feelings would one day find the strength to break out. AâWhora hadnât meant to get attached to her bandmate like she had, but there seemed to be fuck all she could do about it now.
âWell,â Lawrence announces, rolling onto her back and gesturing up in the air with her arms, âYouâre fucked off, Iâm fucked off, I say we go and get absolutely steaminâ and forget that weâve ever felt a positive emotion towards someone who doesnât give a fuck.â
AâWhora closes her eyes, heart sinking. âIâd actually love to, but we canât just go the two of us, because then weâre leaving out the others. Bimsâll wanna come, and if Bims comes we have to invite Tayce and I literally donât wanna see her because itâs so weird that Iâve been like, demoted to friend.â
âShe removed the benefits,â Lawrence nods understandingly, âIn many ways, we could compare her to the Tory government.â
âCould we fuck,â AâWhora laughs in spite of her own heavy misery. âYouâre literally insane. Loz, what the fuck do I do about this?â
Lawrence shrugs. âI told you, my best solution is to go and get smashed! If we just drink here then we didnât go out without anyone so we didnât break any friend rules and theyâre none the fucking wiser to our collective romance issues.â
The word romance makes AâWhora tense - itâs uncomfortable to think about it like that, almost embarrassing to dwell on her own feelings as having a romantic nature about them from a purely sexual relationship. Luckily for her, a sneaky or perhaps Freudian slip catches her attention and drags it away from her own issue, AâWhora bolting upright to stare at her friend.
âLawrence Chaney. Did you just say collective romance issues? I thought you and Ellie were just fanny friends!â
Understandably, Lawrence is horrified at her turn of phrase, but AâWhora doesnât miss the telltale reddening of her ears that suggests sheâs said something she shouldnât have. An eye-roll powerful enough to induce a tsunami follows Lawrence shifting herself up, glaring at AâWhora, and then scowling.
âFirst,â She replies, one finger wagging in front of her, âNever fucking say fanny friends ever again. SecondâŠâ
AâWhora gasps, already anticipating some gossip.
âYouâre gonna get me a fucking gin if youâre gonna make me talk about this.â
-
More intelligent girls, or perhaps just less heartache-y ones, would know better than to get wasted in their hotel room the night before a show, but AâWhora and Lawrenced have never been the best at smart decisions. Ironically, itâs the deceptively smart bimbo Bimini who usually is able to reign them in, though she often chooses not to. Left to their own devices, thereâs a lot of gin and a little bit of lemonade that seems to mysteriously disappear as tongues get looser and inhibitions get lowered. Before they even know whatâs happening, both girls are sitting on the floor between their beds, legs stretched out before them, bemoaning their woeful, humiliating love lives.
Itâs almost as if they think that if they donât get it right now, they never will. To some extent, in AâWhoraâs mind, thatâs true, even when she knows, realistically, that sheâs only in her mid-twenties and life goes on. But really, what is love if not an agony freezing you in time, a force that makes the past a mere blur and the future non-existent? Love is present and now, and if she misses her chance, who says thereâll be another?
(Almost everyone says there will. But AâWhora is drunk and her words are happy and her mind is sad.)
Luckily, Lawrence has been talking for long enough that AâWhora doesnât have to spill all her thoughts into a drunken spiel that she knows wouldnât make a lick of sense. She keeps swearing and avoiding the point, but somewhere in her long-winded ramble confessions start to unravel themselves, and a good scandal is enough to distract her for the time being.
âSo I fuckinâ - aw fuck, hen, do me a favour and refill me?â Lawrence asks, AâWhora just passing her the bottle and gesturing for her to continue. âI fuckinâ asked her, yâknow, are we just doing this or are we something more, like, fuckinâ stupid thing to ask honestly and I regretted it as soon as I did but then she answered and fuck me.â
She makes an effort to impersonate Ellie - a slightly higher pitched, slightly less intensely Scottish accent with something of a mockingly nervous whine to it as she repeats, âIâm keeping my options open. Fuckinâ options! Iâve noâ had anyone since her and I wouldnyâ fuckinâ want to either and sheâs fuckinâ got A, B, C or D all the fuckinâ above! Itâs fucked.â
AâWhora gasps. âBitch, you proper like her! You like Ellie!â
âSay that any louder and Iâll box your fuckinâ ears,â Lawrence threatens, only half kidding judging by the glare in her eyes. âAm I wrong to feel fuckinâ betrayed that I didnât know she was seeing others as well as me?â
She snorts. âLoz, babes, Iâm losing my mind at the very idea that Tayce has found someone, look who youâre talking to.â
Lawrence shrugs in agreement. âMakes me feel sick.â
Thereâs a pause. âActually, that might be the gin.â
Another pause. âOh, itâs the gin.â
She all but launches herself up and towards the bathroom, AâWhora instantly going into a flap. If Lawrence is sick on the carpet sheâll literally never forgive her, but she needs to help her friend, but fuck if sheâs gonna stand there in the bathroom gagging at her. She decides, vaguely last minute, to run out into the corridor and grab some cold water from the machine, panicking and shouting her plan in the general direction of the bathroom before dashing outside. Embarrassing, but at twenty five years old AâWhora still canât handle someone being sick.
A brief but unwelcome thought flits into her head - Iâd help Tayce. She shakes it away, tells herself she wouldnât, but a sad stupid part of her knows she could sit there and painfully gag her way through helping Tayce if she needed to, because sheâs a spineless idiot who fell for her bandmate. Thereâs a flash of guilt for the fact that she wouldnât do the same for Bims or Lawrence, but reasons that she has to draw the line somewhere.
The hotel has this awful chintzy carpet, a weird swirly print on a red base that reminds AâWhora of weird-smelling care homes and outdated grandmaâs houses. Just looking at it makes her head spin uncomfortably - maybe sheâs a little drunker than she thought. Perhaps sheâll get two cups of ice water instead, sober herself up a bit and all.
Then Tayce is standing in front of her all of a sudden and AâWhora has no idea how sheâs got there.
(Did she⊠summon Tayce? Manifest her presence?)
âGirl, you alright? You look a state,â She greets, her accent charming enough to rid the words of their potential offense.
AâWhora vaguely points ahead of her, aware of how dumb she probably looks. âGoin⊠getting water for Loz. Sheâs absolutely pissed.â
Tayce laughs, baffled. âBabes, what are you playing at getting drunk the night before a show? Gotta make sure you shake off the hangovers before or else youâre done for!â
âWater fixes all.â AâWhora has no idea what to say. Why would she? Sheâs been lamenting this girlâs very existence for the pastâŠ. God knows how many hours, and now sheâs here and she has to slip the besties facade back on except sheâs a bit too drunk to remember how to do it properly. Sober AâWhora is going to cringe for days over this, she already knows.
Unsurprisingly, Tayce starts to follow her to grab the water, declaring âWell Iâm coming with you, sounds like youâre gonna need someone sober to put you both in bed, you absolute lunatics.â
Theyâre just walking next to each other and yet AâWhora has never analysed her own way of walking so much in her life before this moment. Are her steps too large? Her arms swinging too much, or too little? Which foot comes next? Is Tayce thinking about how weirdly sheâs moving? Should she be trying to keep pace with her or will that be even weirder and sheâll realise what a creep sheâs been hooking up with all this time and fully decide against any possibility of something more between them?
Theyâre just walking. Just one foot and then the next.
Ahead of them, the water cooler glistens like a mirage in a desert, a tantalising goal signalling the end of their journey. AâWhora almost feels like sheâs been trekking for hours next to Tayce, unsure of what to say, unsure of what her own act to keep up with is.
Naturally, she fumbles in her attempt to get a flimsy plastic cup from the stack, and then all come crashing down before she can even realise whatâs happening. She turns to look at Tayce, the both of them momentarily stunned.
âOh my god, you absolute beast!â Tayce screeches, her voice hushed for the sake of the late night but laughing all the same, clutching the cooler for balance. âWe gotta pick all these up now!â
They do; AâWhora thinks about accidentally brushing her fingers over Tayceâs as they scramble to get everything, and then doesnât. She thinks about abandoning the water and fumbling keys into locks until they fall into one another and forget everything else. She thinks about just blurting out the truth.
By the time all of the potential scenarios have flown dizzyingly through AâWhoraâs drunk mind, she finds herself with two cups of water in her hands, Tayce with the same, leading her back to the hotel room and giggling as she instructs her not to spill a drop. AâWhora laughs, pretending like sheâs not struggling to figure out how tightly she should be holding them.
Pretend is easy and sheâs always been good at it. Pretending sheâs a real rockstar with her Sing Star microphone and Playstation 2 in the living room. Pretending sheâs not nervous the day before the biggest audition of her life. Pretending sheâs a real musician in a band and not one of four girls shitting themselves backstage at the biggest arenas in the city. Pretending like Tayce might fall for her one day.
Once they get inside - it takes four swipes of AâWhoraâs key and brief panic that sheâs somehow got the wrong one - itâs clear that Lawrence is done with throwing her guts up and has settled herself in a chair, furiously typing on her phone.
âThis room smells like a minibar, you hounds!â Tayce half admonishes, her grin entirely downplaying her words and making AâWhoraâs heartbeat jump into overdrive. âLawrence, what are you doing?â
âCommunicating-my-feelings,â She answers through gritted teeth, each word punctuated with a particularly aggressive stab at her screen.
Out of curiosity, AâWhora peeks at the screen, and upon seeing a horrifically large wall of text typed out in the chat box with no end in sight, snatches the phone immediately. âTayce! Hide it! Sheâs writing a fucking essay!â
Whether AâWhoraâs drunk coordination is better than when sheâs sober - hopefully not - or Tayce is just talented, she deftly catches the device and locks it.
Lawrence all but springs up, incensed. âFuck off with that! Ellie needs to know- Iâm fucking pissed!â
âEllie?â Tayce pauses, looking down as if sheâll still see the message. âAs in, makeup artist Ellie?â
âWho fuckinâ else?!â Lawrence lunges and misses.
âKnew it.â Sheâs adorably smug, so much so that AâWhora decides against telling her that literally everyone knows. Her perceived victory makes her face light up and sheâs already so beautiful that ruining childlike glee like that should be considered blasphemous. It would be a sin to wipe that smile from her face using anything other than her lips.
She holds the phone up in the air above her head, unreachable. âRight. Well, Lawrence, you can have this back after youâve drank this water here, brushed your teeth and got into bed, okay? I think thatâs a fair deal.â
âGet fucked,â Lawrence responds, totally deadpan as she snatches the plastic cup, spilling half of it down her front and not noticing. âI will drink your magic water and then you will fuck off and I will tell Ellie that sheâs a slimey wee bitch.â
Tayce laughs, unfazed. âOn second thoughts, darlingâŠâ She tucks the phone into her bra and gives a little flourish. âSort yourself out and Iâll get it back to you in the morning. Iâm not having you abusing our lovely Ellie âcause youâve had a loverâs tiff.â
Lawrence squints. âFuckinâ⊠AâWhora will get it for me. Iâm sure you wonât mind feeling her up, eh hen? Though I bet your girlfriend might have something to say about it. OOP!â
AâWhora feels her face flushing, and the panic slams into her like a wave hitting the beach full force, washing over everything. At first she was glad Lawrence was drunker than her, hoping to make less of a fool of herself in front of Tayce and direct the attention onto their favourite Scottish menace, but Lawrence being drunker means Lawrence with an even looser tongue, and for someone who loves to crack a joke and make a cheeky observation at the most inopportune moment, AâWhora finds herself wishing sheâs passed out snoring instead. Tayce just laughs and manages to mother hen her into the bathroom, where AâWhora spots her in the mirror, grumpily brushing her teeth like a petulant toddler in the midst of a tantrum.
âTell you what, I could never have kids, this is bloody exhausting!â Tayce explains, her big bright smile distracting AâWhora, thankfully, from the bulge of Lawrenceâs phone. At least, itâs easier to pretend, even mentally, that thatâs why she keeps looking at her chest.
âGod, I know!â She laughs back, faking it harder than ever and sipping her cup of water. She feels sobered up already, though sheâs sure sheâs probably not, all too aware of her red cheeks and Lawrenceâs loose tongue and terrified something else will be said.
âI mean, what on earth was that? I donât have a girlfriend, I can tell you that.â She chuckles as if the ideaâs ridiculous. AâWhora wonders if she genuinely thinks that, if she doesnât realise just how many beautiful men and women would fall down at her feet if she so much as paid them a glance.
Lawrence stumbles out; in the two minutes sheâs been gone, she seems to have forgotten entirely about her phone, and she looks at the pair with lidded eyes. âFuckinâ shattered, girls.â
Tayce beams at her. âGet your arse in bed, then!â
AâWhora finishes her water, and Lawrence is asleep in seconds. For good measure, they poke her a couple of times, but since sheâs very clearly breathing and seems fine, they decide to stop tormenting her and to just let the poor girl sleep. Tayce sets down Lawrenceâs phone on the nightstand next to her, making sure to plug in her charger so it wonât be dead when she wakes up, and the tiny act of thoughtfulness makes AâWhoraâs heart swell in a manner sheâs wholly embarrassed of.
As if sheâs swooning at a girl charging her friendâs phone? Itâs ridiculous and she knows it.
âShall I walk you to your door?â She offers, holding her arm out. Tayce laughs and takes hold of her elbow, waggling her eyebrows suggestively.
âOoh, promenade!â
âYouâve been watching far too much Bridgerton, you have,â AâWhora teases her, jabbing her side as they make their way back down the empty corridor. âDo I have to start calling you My Lady or something, babes?â
Tayce swats her away. âIn bed, maybe. Oh, Iâll happily be a Duke or a Duchess, I mean have you seen the pair of them? Bloody gorgeous!â
AâWhoraâs chest seizes up at the casual mention of being in bed together. Is the stalemate over? Is Tayce about to explain why sheâs suddenly frozen on her and decided she no longer wants to hook up? What the hell even is the reason if thereâs no girlfriend? Sheâs just gone off AâWhora now?
âOh my God. Tayce, I canât do this.â
Itâs out there. She canât go back now, canât reel it back in. Sheâs fucked.
Tayce stops mid-hallway and frowns, worried. âYou alright? If you donât feel well you can go back, you donât have to walk me to my room.â
âNo, not that,â AâWhora massages her temples, trying to encourage some kind of eloquent thought to help her out, trying to stimulate the part of her brain that writes lyrics, to no avail. âThis, us, the weirdness, I canât do it. I have to know whatâs going on, Iâm literally going spare over it.â
âI donât- I donât get what you mean.â
âUs!â AâWhora cries, then shushes herself, acutely aware of her volume and the people sleeping adjacent to their conversation. âYou- you donât text me the same, and we havenât- in ages, and I just⊠Tayce, do you like me?â
Tayce frowns even deeper. âOf course I like you, Rory.â
âDo you proper like me? Do you like me like I like you?â
She feels like a child, enacting a schoolgirl crush with a scribbled note that asks them to tick a yes or no box drawn in pink felt tip, the kind fuzzy from little fingers pressing too hard. If anything, itâs worse than that; at least some prior planning went into those, and a clear question with a yes or no response indicating some kind of confidence. AâWhora has no idea what sheâs doing, where sheâs going, anything.
âRory⊠do you-â
AâWhora cuts her off. âLawrence thought you might have a girlfriend because I thought you might have one because I was ranting about us to her and how shit I feel that youâve lost interest in me. We got drunk to ignore how shit we both feel and it didnât work because she almost blabbed to Ells and now Iâm here blabbing to you but I literally canât help myself. I never can when Iâm with you.â
Itâs only when sheâs finished that she realises Tayceâs expression is full of fear, and her heart sinks like a lead balloon.
âYou told Lawrence about us?â
She swallows, guilt seeping in like cracks in a dam. âTayce, I⊠Weâre not the big secret you think we are. A lot of people know, or suspect. Is⊠Is that the issue?â
Tayce chews her lip, eyebrows furrowed. Every millisecond that she doesnât speak is agony, each second another stab to AâWhoraâs heart, tiny needles of time cutting into her as she waits and waits for the ugly truth. This is it, now, the swirling nausea in her stomach tells her, this is when it all ends. This is where you scare off the love of your life.
The⊠what? The fucking what? The who of her what?
Too late now.
âI havenât lost interest in you. I donât think thatâs even possible. Iâm like, obsessed with you.â
âYeah!â Tayce laughs nervously, unsure of how to react - they have that in common, at least. âI mean, girl, look at you, youâre gorgeous. I was getting freaked out by how much I, like, feel, so I just shut everything down and denied it all. I mean, I figured if I was freaking myself out, you must think Iâm a right old weirdo. Have I got this all wrong?â
The ice melts. AâWhora can feel the shards shrinking, the wounds closing up, the warmth returning to her in a blossoming not unlike the flowers of spring, freshening the air and sweeping away her anxieties.
âIâve never been so happy to call you an idiot in my life,â AâWhora tells her.
Tayce cocks an eyebrow. âYou dirty liar, you love calling me an idiot,â She bites back, not leaving room for AâWhora to reply before kissing her right then and there, in the middle of a hotel corridor, leaning up against the wall for support. A million chemical reactions spark off all at once, a frenzy of activity rendering her incapable of doing anything but wrapping her arms around her bandmate, her best friend, her everything, and kissing her until she canât breathe.
When they have to come up for air they do, all gasping and pink cheeks and dazed eyes. Every cell, every nerve, every neuron in AâWhoraâs body is awake and alive, drawn towards Tayce like a magnetic pull. She canât ignore it, and canât think why sheâd ever want to.
-
âWill you fucking stay still?â
âI havenât moved an inch, hen, your shaky hands are not my problem.â
Ellie huffs, big pink earrings dangling from her ears swinging as she moves her head. Theyâre shaped like hearts, the word âdollâ in cursive across the middle in sparkling letters, and itâs adorably Ellie Diamond in every way possible. Even irritated, sheâs oddly cute.
âLawrence! Iâm not trying to make you look ugly, stay still for me!â She pleads.
AâWhora watches from her chair, face already expertly done. She woke up pleasantly early, nestled happily in Tayceâs arms after everything. Theyâd decided to go back to AâWhoraâs room, just in case Lawrence woke up and tried to send reams of abuse to Ellie, and ended up laying together cuddling until they fell asleep. No matter how sober AâWhora swore she was, Tayce just giggled and told her there was no chance of anything more than a cwtch, at least until the morning.
Thankfully, theyâd kept Lawrenceâs phone away from her, but there was nothing she could do but watch helplessly as Ellie and Lawrence engaged in a battle of attrition while doing makeup.
Lawrence rolls her eyes so hard AâWhora can practically feel it from across the room. âNot to worry hen, thereâs more than one girl in the band, Iâm sure youâve got options on who can look pretty and who canât.â
AâWhora winces at the low blow, and judging by Ellieâs expression, all pouty lips and big sad eyes, sheâs hurt. More than anything, she wants to rush in and fix things for them, help them do the big talk and work it all out, but she knows itâs not really her business. They have to do this for themselves, so she sits quiet and prays that they will.
âOh my god.â Ellie sets down her brushes and stares Lawrence in the face, awfully bold and completely unexpected. âAre you gonna hang this over me forever? I just - didnât want you to think I was too forward! Iâve been regretting it all night, I regretted it as soon as I even said it! I canât stand you being upset with me.â
Lawrenceâs expression softens. âWhat?â
âYouâre, like, the best person ever. I look up to you so much, I donât think I could admire anyone more than I admire you. I really didnât mean to upset you, I didnât want to come on too strong.â
Thereâs a pause - AâWhora holds her breath, and notices that just across from her, Bimini is suddenly paying attention, her phone long since abandoned in her hand as she gapes at the two of them, dumbfounded.
Lawrence throws her arms around Ellie, squeezing her in an embrace that seems too tender to be looking at, the next best thing to a kiss when in the middle of painting someoneâs face. Ellie squeezes back, her lips mouthing words that the other girls can neither hear nor try to. This is for them and them alone.
Tayce enters just as they break apart, throwing herself into the seat next to AâWhora and grinning. âHiya, gorge, whatâd I miss?â
She leans over and kisses AâWhoraâs cheek.
Biminiâs eyes pop open. âYou and- and then her and- what the fuck? Babes, I think we skipped a few chapters!â
âYou just havenât read the book,â AâWhora winks at her.
âRight, right,â Bims nods understandingly, ever one to just go with the flow. âAnd is the big lesbian orgy before the concert or after?â
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Qualityâ Free Actions
Free to watch âą No registration required âą HD streaming
@artificialfudge tagged me in this and idk if I'm interesting but I'm gonna do it anyway 5 facts: 1. Sharon just replied my comment on instagram (1/3 Sharon related goals completed) 2. My birthday is in 17 days 3. ^related to that, I'm an Aquarius by one day and I share a birthday with Courtney act 4. I once had something that I wrote published in an online writing magazine 5. I met the guy that played mundungus fletcher in Harry Potter when I was 11. He was very short and kind I'll tag @taxidermiedlover and @laskathunderfun if they wanna do it?
A/N -Â So! Funny story, I started thinking after my diamond chaney fic Never The Same, Always Together, how did Tayce and A'Whora end up dating? What's their backstory? And then this happened and it's twice the length of the original. Go figure.
Merry Christmas everyone. Big fat love to my dearest Ortega who I know is going to lose her shit. <3
cw: some homophobia
September tumbles into Tayceâs life like a busy family coming in from a day of errands. It opens the door with its elbows, arms full of change and growth, and wipes away any semblance of calm or fun that the summer had left behind. August had been eating ice cream on Barmouth beach with her family, queueing down the street for the best chips ever at the Mermaid fish bar, dodging seagulls and basking in the rare bits of summer sun.
It had been a buildup to something new, but Tayce is eleven years old and something new is about as far from comfortable as an awkward but well-meaning puberty talk from Grandma. Her parents fawn over the new uniform - a white polo, a black blazer with white piping thatâs several sizes too big, a pleated skirt and a red tie to match her new school house. Everyone tells her how grown up she looks now, how smart and sensible, but secretly Tayce misses her comfy green cardie that had linked her to her primary school.
But it seems as though she blinks and Barmouth beach was years ago, and she finds herself in her first ever lesson on her first ever day of high school, sitting on a wobbly stool in Mr Eatonâs science lab.
The room is full of faces just like hers, slightly apprehensive and a little bit intrigued all the same, wondering what this new school will bring. Friends are a must, new knowledge, a world of experiences not yet imagined beyond their old playground.
Tayceâs old school considered science to be making baskets out of paper and seeing whether a penny or a marble will drop faster when placed inside them. This looks like real science, beakers and test tubes and fiddly little bits on the walls that Mr Eaton informs them they are not to touch until theyâre third years.
Unfortunately, Tayce has drawn the short straw. As she sits on her stool, wishing she had the confidence to ask for a bit of paper to stop the leg from shifting so much, she realises everyone else is sitting next to someone, and sheâs the only one on her own. This is a test of future popularity, and it appears sheâs going to fail.
Her chest seizes with panic, her first day already ruined, but sheâs determined not to let it show, focusing on the comic sans introductory message adorning the welcome powerpoint. It outlines the class rules, solemn and serious as anything, and thereâs a little cartoon cell at the bottom, pasted on from clip-art. If Tayce doesnât make any friends today, at least she can pretend her intentions were to pay attention and learn everything instead.
Maybe five minutes into the lesson, thereâs a knock at the door. An older girl walks in - maybe a fourth year - and she clearly seems to know their teacher, judging by her jovial tone. Sheâs tall and pretty, and Tayce is just a little bit envious that her bright green bra is slightly visible through her shirt, while sheâs still in her white cotton crop top. She wants to be like this cool older girl someday.
The older girl has a younger girl with her, one hand resting on her shoulder as if encouraging her, not that she looks like she needs it. The younger girl is the image of the older one, the two of them clearly sisters, with freckled skin, long eyelashes and dark hair in a ridiculous floppy bun at the top of her head. She wears a grin, as if the first day jitters had simply skipped over her.
âSorry Iâm late!â The younger one calls out, slipping into the closest available seat - next to Tayce. âI got lost.â
Her sister chuckles. âJust dropping her off so I know sheâs in the right place. Can you email Mrs White and let her know this is why Iâm late, she wonât believe me if I tell her.â
Mr Eaton agrees, and the older girl leaves.
The younger girl turns her grin on Tayce. âHiya babe, Iâm Aurora. Weâre science partners!â
âTayce,â She replies, relief flooding through her that finally, someone is talking to her. âI hope we donât explode anything.â
âI hope we do,â Aurora grins, mischief gleaming in her eyes. âMy sister says that you can make different coloured fire with those bunsen burners, I reckon sheâs lying. Weâll have to find out.â
Tayce giggles. âDeal. How are we gonna change the colour?â
Aurora shrugs. âIâll pester sir, heâll tell me eventually.â
As it happens, they donât make magical flames appear or explode anything in their first class of the year. Not a whole lot happens besides examining an onion cell in a crappy microscope, which neither Tayce nor Aurora can figure out how to focus despite multiple explanations from their teacher. They take turns peering through the blurry lens, hardly seeing the defined shapes that Mr Eaton expects them to, and giggle at one another as they lie about completing the task perfectly.
Itâs weird how school works like that, Tayce thinks. All her friends from primary school are in other classes, people sheâs known since she was four years old, but within an hour sheâs bonded to this loud new girl beside her as if theyâve always been friends. When science finishes, Aurora declares that they have English and need to hurry if they want a good table, since theyâre sitting in twos - she already knows because of her big sister, whoâs told her everything she could possibly need to know about succeeding in this new adventure.
She grabs Tayceâs hand as they leave, ensuring she keeps up. Tayce is just happy to follow her.
-
âHowâs Jordan?â
Aurora blinks. âWhat?â
Tayce prompts her with a rolling hand gesture. âYour boyfriend, you daft cow?â
âOh!â The penny drops, and then as the insult registers, Aurora whacks Tayceâs arm. âYou bitch! Anyway, Iâm not with him anymore, keep up. He kissed fucking Louise outside the canteen so I dumped him and Iâm seeing Tom now.â
Well, this is news.
âAw babe, you okay?â
She shrugs. âI donât give a shit.â
And itâs true. Itâs something Tayce admires about Aurora - she genuinely just does not give a shit, at all. Everything seems to glance off her, barely scratching the surface of her perfect skin before she deflects with a bat of her spidery lashes. Tayce thinks she must go through a tube of mascara a week, at least. Somehow, though, it suits her.
Dating isnât something thatâs ever crossed Tayceâs mind. At times, she worries that sheâs behind, because crushes are all anyone can talk about, from sleepovers to the Disney channel crap she grew up on. What kind of thirteen year old hasnât had at least one crush yet? Itâs a bit embarrassing, something she keeps to herself. Occasionally she considers just picking someone to like, but sheâs heard itâs supposed to be a little more authentic than that.
In any case, Aurora has the exact opposite problem. Tayce makes an effort to be nice to Tom, though she barely knows him, but three weeks pass and all of a sudden he ignores her when she tries to say hello in the dinner queue. Sure, he might just be intent on getting his Pasta King before anyone else, but itâs still rude.
âBloody well ignored me!â She harrumphs, flopping down next to Aurora on the bench. âI only said hi!â
Auroraâs face twists, her nose screwing up. Sheâs dusted the tip with highlight, something a lot of the older girls have started doing, and itâs super bright and shiny. Tayce thinks itâs dead cool, but her parents keep saying sheâs too young for that kind of makeup. Concealer is their limit.
âYeah, I bet he did. PRICK!â She shouts, as he walks past them. âWhat you looking at?!â
Tayce gawks, alarmed. âRory! What the hell?â
Aurora stands up, huffing as she shrugs her huge handbag onto her shoulder. âWeâre not together anymore, Louis asked me out and Tomâs being a dick about it. I donât wanna sit here anymore, too many arseholes around.â
She flounces off, leaving Tayce to follow. Her barbed words are only to offend Tom, she knows, so Tayce shoots him a cold look before following her best friend, unsure of where theyâre actually going now that their usual spot has been officially surrendered. Luckily, being friends with someone like Aurora, she doesnât have to worry too much.
She has a certain popularity that affords them entry into spaces where otherwise theyâd receive dirty looks - her big mouth definitely has something to do with, given that no one wants to be on the receiving end of Auroraâs sharp tongue. Soon enough, they find themselves tucked up in a corner outside with Lawrence, the funny girl who Tayce has English with, and Ellie, her best friend, who sits at the back in Science. Tayce hasnât really spoken to them before, but she knows theyâre nice, and Aurora seems to already be friends with them.
The girls welcome her as if theyâve been sitting with her every day, effectively letting the freak flag fly without any sort of warning. Lawrence is loud and brash, in the best possible way, and wherever her voice travels, Ellieâs laughter follows it. The pair of them are just delightful to be around.
âWe ought to start calling you AâWhora, with your track record,â She comments boldly, eyes rolling and arms folding as the story of yet another Aurora boyfriend entertains their lunch hour. Itâs genius - Lawrence is genius - and Tayce has a feeling this name is going to stick.
âOi, fuck off!â Aurora replies, her grin betraying her offended tone.
Lawrence pretends to cower. âOoh! Sheâs gonna shank me! Sheâs gonny get her big sister to call me names!â
Ellie howls with laughter, having to cling onto Tayce, who does the same. Aurora attempts a Scottish accent to bellow, âShut up, Chaney!â which only makes everything funnier, and all of a sudden the lunch hour is whittled down by their stomach-splitting laughter into nothing. A quick peek at Tayceâs timetable shows that they have Maths last - gross - but nevertheless an opportunity for the four to all sit together.
Mrs Pritchett is less than pleased at the new seating arrangement, but after a symphony of begging, pleading, and swearing up and down theyâll work together and finish all their work and be really quiet (barefaced lies), she relents. The classmates they displaced in order to make these seating arrangements are even less pleased, but Aurora mouths off at them, and they resign to their new seats, disgruntled but accepting.
-
Aurora comes over almost everyday after school. On the days she doesnât, itâs only because Tayce is at hers instead. Sometimes she thinks their friendship is exactly the kind she dreamed of as a little girl, this unwavering closeness that manifests in practically becoming family, spending every day together, never needing to be alone.
The thing is, Tayce likes being alone. She doesnât know a fourteen year old that doesnât want to lock themselves away in their rooms and blast angsty teen anthems or, bizarrely, club remixes to drown everything out. But the best thing about Aurora is that being around her is better than being alone. They donât even have to do anything.
Itâs a scene like that which Tayceâs mum stumbles into, rolling her eyes and shaking her head in that signature way all mums seem to do.
âReally, girls!â
Tayce is lying on the floor, phone in hand, typing away to the group chat at terrifying speeds. Itâs an exceedingly rude thing to do when a guest is present - except, of course, Aurora is on her bed, sprawled out like she owns the bloody thing, phone inches from her face as she does the exact same thing.
They can hardly be blamed. Bimini had texted the group chat hiya gals, i got something to tell u and then promptly disappeared, and five minutes had passed.
Aurora looks up. âHi babe! You alright?â She trills, happy as anything to see her best friendâs mum.
Tayceâs mum does another fond head shake. âYou girls, honestly! Always on them phones, you could try talking to each other!â
âWe are!â Tayce replies, all while spamming bim what the fuck where did u go without looking at the screen. âUs, Bimini, Lawrence, EllieâŠâ
Tayceâs mum walks in properly, tutting at the pile of folded laundry still sitting on her spinny desk chair, and pottering around looking for empty glasses to take downstairs. âTeenagers,â She mutters, earning a grin from Aurora that she shares with Tayce, âI forgot. You have an answer for everything, donât you?â
âCourse we do,â Aurora winks, so charming that she manages to crack a smile from the disapproving mother facade. âThatâs why you love us.â
Tayceâs mum sighs. âI suppose I do, girls. Although you could just all meet somewhere, plenty of buses about.â
âBut mum!â Tayce sits up, agitated that Bimini still hasnât responded. âBim said she had something to tell us and now sheâs gone offline! Weâre going mental trying to work it out!â
She pauses at that, a mug hanging from three fingers and two glasses - Tayce and Auroraâs from earlier - tucked under her arm. âOoh, blimey. Maybe sheâs pregnant, her lot have âem young. Have you seen her grandma? Right glamour puss, that one!â
âMUM!â Tayce shrieks, as Aurora bursts into horrified laughter, âWeâre a bit young for that!â
âIâm just saying!â Her mum defends herself, a sneaky look on her face. âYou never know!â
She leaves with that, planting the seed. But Biminiâs not - is she? She canât be- could she? Bimini?
Lawrie [5.34pm]: aw christ hen this lot are havin a flap now come back already
Awhora [5.34pm]: EXCUSE ME BIMINI
WHAT THE FUCK
Ellie Bellie [5.34pm]: Are you okay babe ? Xxx
Taycety [5.34pm]: girl im goin spare what is going on
Awhora [5.34pm]: IS GOING ON
Awhora [5.35pm]: ARE U PREGNANT ARE U DYING ARE U DATING SOMEONE
Perhaps theyâre a little overdramatic, but Tayce thinks people in general are way harsher on teens than entirely necessary. Everything feels big and important, every fight is a full scale world war and every revelation is life-changing in one way or another. These moments are formative, she knows, though she feels weird for examining them with such an external lens. She will remember this day, in any case, for a whole host of reasons, including Biminiâs response.
Turns out, sheâs just typing, but her status said offline when she briefly paused to speak to her mum. The moment is still big, though; monumental, significant enough to cause a shift in their lives as they know it. As far as Tayce is concerned, itâs like the rippling effect.
Bim [5.41pm] SORRY SO SORRY didnât mean to freak u all out just was doing some thinking about the way iâve been feeling for a while and since iâm comfortable it feels like a good time? to cut short a long story i just came out to my mum as bisexual, iâve sort of always known i was a little bit different than everyone else but especially now i canât really ignore it. thatâs also part of the reason i messaged this specific group bc iâm gonna tell her separately but i donât want to tell her this part. i realised i was crushing on tina and i donât wanna make her or u uncomfortable itâs nothing nasty itâs just how i feel, i like everyone the same you know xx
Aurora drops her phone. Tayce climbs onto the bed.
âBloody hell. Sheâs brave as hell.â Tayce comments, mind busy at work trying to figure out what exactly she should say to this. She settles for an excited congratulations, figuring itâs good news, and a bunch of fluttery, gossipy emojis as she takes in Bimâs crush on Asttina.
It changes nothing, Bimini coming out. At the same time, everything changes.
âYeah, massively!â Aurora agrees, filling the chat with hearts. âIf anyone picks on her theyâre dead.â
Lawrie [5.44pm]: glad ya could tell us hen we love u just the same, besides thing 1 and thing 2 over there are already proper lesbo for each other so ur in fine company xo
They both snort at that. Thatâs truly the mark of being best friends, every teenage girl knows that - really, are you even besties if people donât think youâre lesbians? Just girly things seems to agree with the sentiment.
Itâs a short while later that the catastrophe of Biminiâs bisexuality comes to a head. Sheâs perfectly happy for them to share the news, and of course Tayceâs mum is secretly interested in the gossip now that she knows there is some, and so as Tayce and Aurora race to the dining table, ready to demolish the pasta bake theyâve been smelling for the past half an hour, it starts to go wrong.
âWell?â An expectant look crosses her face, as well as some intrigue from her dad. Clearly sheâs filled him in on the drama, too. So much for teenagers making a big deal out of nothing all the time.
Tayce takes her time, savouring the delicious moment. Thereâs a beautiful anticipation in the air as she luxuriantly serves herself her meal, taking extra pains to wrap the glorious strings of melted cheese around her fork before putting it on her plate. Everyone looks at her, waiting for her to deliver the gossip sheâs so clearly in the know about - even Aurora, big mouthed Aurora, grins and watches, enjoying the tease as much as Tayce.
Itâs sadly ironic how this small piece of superiority is the last time Tayce feels good about this conversation, but in the moment, blissfully unaware of the next few minutes, she feels mischievous and excited.
âHm?â She feigns innocence, looking up once her plate is filled. âOh, it was nothing. Just Bim telling us sheâs bisexual, thatâs all.â
Her heart clenches when thereâs a scoff from across the dinner table.
âCome on.â Tayceâs dad looks unimpressed. âYou mean sheâs gay.â
âNo, bi means both. She fancies either.â
âRight.â He rolls his eyes, like heâs never heard anything more ludicrous in his life. âThey always say that, it never actually meansthat. Sheâs just gay.â
Tayce frowns. âDad-â
But he interrupts, holding up a hand with a fork in between, a piece of pasta with a precarious drop of tomato sauce hovering over the tablecloth. He seems angry all of a sudden, which makes no sense. âNo, Tayce, donât try and insinuate that Iâm being a bigot or I donât get it. Itâs just a cop out way of saying youâre gay without fully accepting the prejudice youâre gonna face from it. Pisses me off more than anything. If youâre gonna do it, just do it.â
The tomato sauce falls off the pasta, staining the tablecloth. Usually, Tayce would point it out and laugh at her silly old dad for making a mess. But he doesnât feel like such a silly old dad anymore, and laughing at him seems like the last thing she should do.
âDavidâŠâ Her mum warns, clearly picking up on the crestfallen looks that Tayce and Aurora share with one another. âWell, you know. As long as sheâs happy with that, I suppose. Is her mum alright with it?â
She sounds as if she expects her mum not to be. Is that the expectation? Is this something Tayce should have thought about before? That parents donât like this sort of thing?
Aurora steps in, eager to defend her friend in her absence. âYeah, sheâs fine with it.â
âTamara would be,â Tayceâs dad mutters, and although her mum whacks his arm, she looks amused by his little comment, a playful look glinting in her eyes. Have her parents always been like this?
Her mum shrugs. âWell, good for her. I donât think Iâd want you going round calling yourself bi-sexual though, not at your age.â
She says bisexual strangely - separating it into two words, as though the concept is so foreign and alien it can barely rest on her tongue properly. All at once, Tayce is seized with two competing sensations; a burning indignity in defense of her friend, and a strange hopelessness that this conversation is never going to turn back in her favour. Why do they make such a big deal out of this, what does it even matter?
At your age feels like an afterthought. The singe of ever underlying her words still burns, though sheâs not sure why. Itâs just a punch in the gut to imagine her parents as anything other than what she had always thought them to be.
Looking over, Auroraâs face is pinched. She looks as though she wants to argue - scratch that, Tayce knows her, she knows she wants to argue - but canât, aware that getting into a row with your friendâs parents is a quick way to never be invited or welcomed ever again. Sheâs clearly perturbed at having to let this sort of conversation slide, the moral side of her unable to hide the frown of her drawn-on eyebrows. Sheâs so pretty, even when sheâs upset.
Tayce is sure her own face is a picture like Auroraâs, and tries to steel it into something a little more unbothered. For some reason, letting them know that this is upsetting to her feels like an overstep.
âWell, whatever,â She tries, too flustered to come up with anything better to say. âUh, mum, did you sign my form for the fashion club yet? Auroraâs got a place already and I donât want it to fill up before I get one.â
âYeah!â Aurora chimes in, cottoning on to the tone switch. âWeâll be making you custom couture in no time!â
Her mum signs the form. They donât talk about dinner.
There was warm water, lights and bubbles around them. Bikinis of all different shapes, styles and colours, flattering their different builds. Bim has this gorgeous athletic body, all toned and lithe and slim, muscular thighs and lined abs. Tia is long and skinny all over, bemoaning her little boobs and shooting jokey barbs in Auroraâs direction, who undoubtedly has the best set of tits in the whole group. Asttina looks like a goddess, and Tayce was blessed to be in such company.
Itâs a shame that Ellie and Lawrence refused to join them in the water, as crowded as it was becoming. She hopes neither of them felt bad about themselves - theyâre both stunning.
For some reason, she remembers the bikinis mostly. The dresses, the skirts, the long tan legs, the push-up bras. The great thing about being a girl and being friends with girls is that thereâs just so much pretty stuff to look at. Girls put in so much effort, their different makeup styles and clothing choices and shapes and sizes. Lads are hardly as interesting, visually.
But following that party, the dominoes start to topple. Lawrence comes out as a lesbian six months later, then Aurora as bisexual, and Tayce remembers that awkward dinner two years ago with a sick, guilty feeling in her stomach. Sheâs taken care not to mention anything even remotely related to sexuality in front of her parents anymore, closing off before it can even start. Tia then introduces them to the concept of asexuality, explaining in the meantime that she likes some nerdy goth girl that always helps her with her triple science homework.
She supposes they suit each other.
It doesnât end there. Ellieâs next, a new recruit for the growing collection of bisexuals hanging out together in sixth form. Theyâre barely even started sixth form and virtually everyoneâs already come out.
Tayce feels a little left out. Apparently, so does Asttina.
âI think itâs brave of them all to be so open. I donât know how they do it.â
She blows out a puff of air through her lips, leaning her head all the way back. Theyâre sprawled out on the floor of the common room, too tired for tables and chairs, and though the scratchy carpet irritates Tayceâs skin, enough that she knows sheâll have some stupid rash to deal with later, theyâre at such an angle that a beam of bright, golden sunlight is shining directly onto the side of Asttinaâs face. Her head is turned away to avoid blinding her, but the light adds a beautiful glow to her skin, the perfect portrait lighting for someone so beautiful.
Itâs worth a bit of an itch on the arm to get to look at her like this. Better still, the common room is empty, everyone else on different option blocks already in lessons.
Tayce is the only one that knows Asttinaâs gay. Itâs a weird thing to wrestle with - on one hand, everyone in their group is as loving and accepting as they possibly can be, the entire lot of them queer as anything, but itâs also not something Tayce could comfortably share, not until Asttinaâs ready.
Sheâs not sure why she pretends that empathy is the only reason she understands this unique struggle.
âYeah,â Is all she manages, wondering if she has it in her to say anything more. âItâs not an easy thing.â
Asttinaâs face creases; she frowns, dark eyes glowing like amber in the light. âItâs not even that Iâm scared of how theyâll react, of course not. I just⊠donât think Iâm ready to take part in their jokes? But then if I say that, then it feels like everyoneâs walking on eggshells around me because of this accommodation that I need to feel comfortable. So Iâd rather wait until Iâm fine with all the ribbing before doing it. Does that make sense?â
Too much sense. It could have been plucked directly from Tayceâs late night brain, over-tired and sleep-averse, dwelling too much on everything. Her chest feels tight and anxious as she considers her next step.
âIâm- the same.â
Itâs a little too much, right now, to go with gay or lesbian. Itâs easier to say it without saying it.
Asttina smiles. Sheâs radiant, a soft palatable sort of beauty that seems to please everyone. Tayce has been telling her for years she should go on Love Island, get a partnership with ASOS since she loves them so much. It was friendly teasing, at first, but she genuinely thinks itâs possible for her.
âYeah?â She stretches out, long and luxurious in the sunlight. âNo one else knows? Well, except AâWhora, obviously.â
Thereâs a pause. An all-too familiar rush of guilt churns in Tayceâs stomach, desperately trying and yet still unable to find a justification for not coming out to her best friend, whoâd already trusted her with her big secret, back when it still was.
Asttina cottons on quickly. âYou havenât told her? Sheâs your favourite!â
âTina! Weâre a group, we donât have favourites!â Tayce replies, half deflecting, half trying to pretend all of their friendships are equally balanced. Itâs true, but the last thing she wants is for someone to feel like theyâre not valued.
An eyeroll of epic proportions responds to her statement. âSure, chick,â Asttina drawls, a knowing smirk across her face. âLawrence totally doesnât prefer Ellie above anyone else. Ellie totally doesnât prefer Lawrence over everyone else. Tayce and AuroraâŠâ
She trails off, which is lucky, because Tayce interrupts, lazily reaching out to thwack her. âAlright, you hound! Honestly, the cheek, the nerve, the gall, the audacity and the gumption of you to imply that weâre besties! Even if itâs true!â
Somewhere above them - the common room has two floors, with classrooms above for some stupid reason - the students start making a racket, chatting and laughing and generally creating school-typical mayhem. Perhaps the teacher left the room. In any case, itâs the perfect backdrop for their conversation, just distracting enough that it feels like maybe, just this once, the universe isnât listening to them. The world has looked away, momentarily, and this moment will forever only exist between the two of them, no other evidence of it ever existing.
âWell, you learn something new everyday,â Asttina comments, casual as anything. âAnd here was me thinking you two were shagging on the down-low.â
Tayce splutters, expecting just about anything but that. âWhat?!â
She bursts into laughter. âHey! Iâm not the only one, alright! Lawrence talks about it all the time, youâve heard her!â
As if sheâs supposed to take something that Lawrence says seriously?! Tayce loves the girl to death, she truly does, but sheâs not sure sheâs ever been serious a day in her life. Even with Ellie, her best friend in the world, sheâs constantly ripping the piss out of her.
âWell, weâre not.â She confirms, laughing a little. The idea of it doesnât make her as panicked as she thought it would - maybe sheâs closer to being ready than she thought. Thatâs a reassuring notion to take home tonight.
âGood.â
âGood?â
âYeah. Thatâs good.â
The bell rings. Tayce sits up - she has Fashion and Textiles next (a bloody miracle of a coincidence that her sixth form offered it), and Asttina has Business. The classroom above them erupts into a clamour of scraping chairs and tables, the voices growing louder as they begin to exit.
Neither of them really say anything beyond that, but they donât have to. Thereâs a look they share, a sort of acceptance between them both. Nothing has happened, but they both seem to be in agreement that when the opportunity arises, something will.
Itâs a much more fun secret to hold onto than anything else.
-
Though her breath starts to fog up in front of her, the ground growing hard and icy beneath her definitely unseasonal platform Mary-Janes, thereâs a spark of excitement and warmth that keeps Tayce from going numb as winter rolls in. Having a secret is thrilling, and sometimes she feels like sheâs nurturing a little flame inside her chest, cupping it with her hands to keep it from the harsh winter winds of gossip and speculation, coveting all of its heat for herself.
All she needs now is a little kindling, and her small flame will be a crackling fire.
Ellieâs birthday falls in the run-up to Christmas, a fact she laments loudly and often. Lawrence tells her again and again that sheâs only getting coal, but kindly adds that sheâll get coal for both occasions, not a joint present. Their weird flirty friendship is interesting to behold.
Not that Tayce really cares. Sheâs got her own weird flirty friendship going on, and she gets to keep it for herself.
Of course, Ellieâs birthday party is Christmas themed, because while she complains non-stop about her birthday being ruined by it, she wants everyone to dress up in something festive. Or, as Lawrence put it:
âShe just doesnyâ want to look like a prat when she puts on her fuckinâ Sugar Bum Fairy outfit.â
Tayce and Aurora giggle and grin the entire ride to Ellieâs. Theyâre in Auroraâs mumâs car, in matching dresses they made themselves, although her mum argues that they can hardly be counted as dresses. Sheâs right, of course - theyâre glorified t-shirts, if anything, minidresses of sparkly red fabric, cuffed with a white fur trim across the bottom and the edge of the half-sleeves, cinched in with a thick black belt and golden buckle. Itâs sexy Santa to an obscene degree, and they both think itâs pissing hilarious.
âYou can be Santa, Iâll be Mrs Claus,â Tayce remarks, elbowing her bestie with a shit-eating grin.
Aurora gasps in offense. âBitch! Why do I have to be the man?â
âBecause Santaâs the one everyone knows about and youâve got the biggest gob so it makes sense.â
âFuck off.â
But Auroraâs smile says that she agrees with Tayceâs assessment. Of course she does.
âAnd youâre sure youâre not gonna be cold in⊠those?â Her mum double checks, frown set in place across her forehead.
Aurora rolls her eyes. âWeâve got tights on!â
Theyâre not warm, but they are tights - nude, and rhinestoned for a bit of extra flair. It had been the result of a sleepover that distinctly lacked any sleep, their efforts keeping them up all through the night and well into the morning. Still, it looked good.
âAlright,â She acquiesces, âGo on, have fun. What time do you want me to come get you tomorrow? Nine?â
A look of horror flashes across Auroraâs face. âNot that early. Give us at least a bit of time to⊠settle.â
She tries to avoid mentioning anything about the hangover, even though her mum is fully aware, but the clinking of bottles in her bag as she moves to open the car door gives her away. Her mum just laughs, waving at them as she drives off.
They barely even get a chance to knock on the door before it swings open, wrenched with all the force of a very drunk Scottish girl.
âWAHEYYYY! MORE LESBIANS!â
To no oneâs surprise, Lawrence is absolutely plastered. Sheâs mostly dressed in black, dark makeup and a lacy top and boots, black flared trousers with dark purple glitter to match her hair. At some point, she explains to them that sheâs dressed as a lump of coal - because of course, itâs an elaborate joke on Ellie, for Ellie, because of Ellie.
Tayce sometimes thinks Lawrence and Ellie must be intrinsically linked. Then again, theyâre physically linked and all, Lawrence nearly crushing the poor birthday girl in a heavy-handed drunk embrace, her arm hanging over Ellieâs shoulders.
Ellie looks pretty too, iridescent glitter across her cheeks and eyelids, a pretty pink dress and the most adorable sugarplum earrings Tayce has ever seen. Her flushed cheeks and the inescapable wine scent radiating from them both tells her exactly how much Ellie has had, too. She bets that the two of them started the party hours before anyone else was told to arrive.
âFucking hell, pisshead,â Aurora scoffs, sauntering inside with that earth-shaking confidence, âSave some for the rest of us!â
âLike your bag isnât full of drinks, Santa Whores.â Lawrence replies, earning a screech laugh from Ellie and a chuckle from Tayce. âFuckinâ hurry up then, let us close the door before we freeze our tits off.â
Once theyâre with the rest of the party, Tayce feels the dangerous urge to catch up to everyone elseâs drunkenness. Stupid, perhaps. But sheâs seventeen and itâs Ellieâs birthday and why the fuck not, so she drinks one after another after another until the head rush finally kicks in and she feels woozy and happy and warm.
So warm.
Like always, she clings to Aurora, and Aurora clings to her. To be honest, she pulls off the dress way better than Tayce does, her craftsmanship just that little bit more finessed, her figure just that little bit more hourglass to fill it out properly. Tayce thinks she looks nice, but Aurora looks incredible - smooth, plump thighs, her ridiculous waist, those faux-mink lashes and her sultry pout. As much as she lives up to her nickname, it seems like a travesty, a waste of such beauty that sheâs single right now.
Someone should treat Aurora right, Tayce decides. She deserves the man or woman of her dreams to sweep her off her feet.
Jesus Christ, sheâs drunk.
It registers somewhere in her mind that she needs to pee, and luckily she remembers where the bathroom is from a random study session in like fourth year. Shouting it over the music, she pushes her Echo Falls into Auroraâs hand, makes her swear not to drink it, and totters away in her heels to the bathroom.
Tayce can neither confirm nor deny whether or not she nearly fell off the toilet seat as she tried to sit down.
When she emerges a couple of minutes later, the speakerâs blasting Becky Hill I Could Get Used To This and she can hear everyone singing along, Ellie and Auroraâs voices standing out as the loudest. Except not everyoneâs singing along in the living room, because Asttinaâs stood by the stairs, leaning on the banister, eyeing her with a tipsy, hungry gaze.
Tayce returns it.
âParty in there, you know.â She gestures towards the living room, off down the hallway.
Predictably, Asttina shrugs. âMeh. I prefer it out here, bit more private. Better view.â
Her eyes roam over Tayceâs body, and she feels the flame start to rise and burn, filling her chest. She feels beautiful, and wanted, and thrilled by the strange secrecy of it all. It doesnât matter if anyone finds out, but the faux-danger of being caught only exacerbates the feeling. Not to mention Asttina is stunning tonight, a red and white striped dress clinging to her every curve. She looks like a candy cane, and Tayce wants to remove the wrapper with her teeth.
These kinds of thoughts are very new, very ridiculous, and very fun to indulge.
âI have to agree,â Tayce shrugs, playing it as cool as she can as she burns up inside, âNot so crowded.â
She approaches, feeling bold. In mere seconds, theyâre almost nose to nose, Asttina against the banister, one hand on the small of Tayceâs back. The fire roars.
Kissing her feels like so many things all at once - confirming what sheâs known for a while now, assuaging her fears that it wonât be good, indulging in her desires. Itâs just right, having Asttina against her, their lips entwined, bodies pressed flush together. They keep going until thereâs no air left, pausing only to catch their breath before their lidded eyes meet and it happens again, over and over until theyâre panting, breathless, high on the reward of finally letting it happen.
âI really fucking like you,â Asttina explains between breaths, swiping at the smeared gloss underneath her lips. She looks messy, taken apart, and thereâs a rush that comes with knowing she caused that.
Her chest heaves in a way that Tayce canât tear her eyes away from. The rhythmic rising and falling of her breasts, the graceful movements of her neck, the way everything so seamlessly works together to create unimaginable beauty in something as simple as breathing. This is a taste of heaven, kissing girls is a taste of heaven.
âI really fucking like you too,â She responds.
âGood.â
âGood?â
âYeah.â
Their lips crash again. This is every parentâs nightmare, exactly what they spend hours convincing themselves their children arenât doing at drunk house parties. Itâs thrilling, living a lie, keeping a secret. Itâs even more thrilling when Asttinaâs confidence spikes, and her kiss becomes hungrier, her hands wandering to her breasts, pushing Tayce down and climbing on top of her, the two of them making out on the stairs. God, itâs everything sheâs ever wanted and more.
In the other room, the party is continuing. Itâs probably not going to be much longer before something thinks hang on, where did Asttina get to? Is Tayce still in the bathroom? But neither of them care. This feels so good, Tayceâs hands on Asttinaâs waist, one daring to find the curve of her ass, Asttinaâs weight above her as they lean onto the stairs together, hands on her tits and lips against hers. She tastes like homemade Woo Woos and the world is going to be crazy jealous that theyâve missed this.
Tayce loses herself in the sensation of it, heart thudding. If sheâd have known it was so good, sheâd have been doing this years ago. Is kissing always this good, this intense? She has nothing to compare it to, but she closes her eyes and lets the good feelings wash over her.
The music gets louder. Asttina breaks the kiss, panting, pulling Tayce towards her to press her lips into her neck, sucking the sweet spot. She gasps involuntarily, overtaken again by just how good it feels. Her eyes fly open.
Aurora stares blankly, one hand still on the doorknob. She has no expression on her face, Tayceâs Echo Falls tucked under her arm. The door shuts and she disappears, leaving them alone again.
Everyone sleeps over at Ellieâs after the party, still at that awkward age where the parents have accepted that drinking is an agreed-upon activity at teenage parties, but it still feels wrong to go home drunk. Lawrence and Ellie cram themselves top and tail on the big sofa in the living room, practically on top of each other for all the lack of space. Tayce finds a spot on the floor, the rug beneath her, a random blanket thrown on top of her for warmth. Bimini steals the other sofa, a great injustice given that sheâs the tiniest one, resigning a very grumpy Tia to a much too small armchair. Asttina curls up against the coffee table, which canât be comfortable. Inexplicably, Aurora sleeps underneath the kitchen table, her face resting on a tea towel.
Theyâre all slow to wake, the alcohol creeping in like Santa Claus and bestowing them with festive hangover gifts in exchange for their hard work getting on the Naughty List. When Tayce stretches, finally stirring enough to open her eyes, she groans at her aching head right as Tia lurches from the armchair and into the bathroom. Lawrence is already awake, sitting on the sofa with her feet firmly planted on the floor and her head between her legs, mouth slightly open, looking rougher than the brick walls of a Thatcher-era state school. Next to her, Ellieâs head rests on her shoulder, her eyes only half-open.
âBanginâ party, chick,â She offers, willing the thumping in her head to subside as she attempts a smile.
âAm hanginâ out me arse.â Lawrence adds, like itâs not obvious. Tayce elects not to respond.
Aurora stumbles into the living room from the kitchen, heels in her hand, dress slipping off of one shoulder. Her hair is matted on one side, the same side of her face that has an interesting pattern imprinted on it from her sleep. Flakes of mascara are collected underneath her eyes, and as she rubs her face, the makeup smears down her cheek.
Itâs ridiculous that she can be hungover to fuck and still look so pretty. One day Tayce will learn her secrets, and she wonât have to be jealous anymore. As it stands, Aurora is a hot mess, but an artfully crafted one, a cinematic representation of a hungover woman with all of the ugliness removed. Sometimes Tayce thinks Auroraâs entire purpose when being made was to be looked at. That feels reductive when she considers her talents, her eye for fashion and her burgeoning skill in design, but sheâs just breathtaking.
Her phone is clutched in one hand, which she waves weakly. âMumâs outside. We gotta go.â
âFuck me,â Tayce wobbles to her feet, a move which the rest of her body does not agree with. Her stomach churns, but she freezes in place momentarily and thankfully, it settles. As soon as her brain and body stop feeling as though thereâs a five second delay between them, sheâll be grand. âPhoneâs in my bag - didnât bring anything else, did I?â
Aurora shakes her head and yawns. âNah. Ready?â
âYeah.â
Ellie makes to stand up from the sofa, but doesnât succeed the first time. âAye, give us a sec. Iâll walk you out.â
Aurora stops her. âStay, babe. Had a good birthday, yeah?â
âAbsolutely amazing.â
âFabulous.â And she smiles, so warm, so genuine. Itâs one of the things Tayce loves about her, for all the layers of bitchiness she hides behind, Auroraâs so loving, so sweet. Ellie collapses back into Lawrence, who still seems to be attempting to process the complexities of the universe by staring into the carpet. They make such a good duo.
Auroraâs mum laughs as they make their way outside, clearly looking a state and feeling the same way. She reaches onto the front seat - both girls in the back, relegated for their drunken crimes - and hands them each a McDonaldâs hash brown and a bottle of Tropicana orange juice. Tayce could cry.
âGood night, then, girls?â She chuckles, making eye contact with Tayce in the mirror. âI remember that feeling all too well. You learn your lesson, eh?â
Tayce smiles at her. âIt was great. Ells is suffering this morning.â
âAww, poor Ellie-Bellie. Did she have a good birthday?â
âLooks like it.â
Auroraâs mum chuckles again, and itâs clear that this is where her daughter gets all her warmth and charisma from. âI shouldâve guessed, silly me.â
Theyâre somewhere between five and ten minutes into the journey when Tayce notices Aurora finally finish her hash brown, neatly folding and tucking the little paper packet into the pocket on the back of the driverâs seat. Sheâs a slow eater at the best of times, something everyone loves to gently tease her for, but especially when sheâs been drinking. She also realises Aurora has been quiet for that whole time, and seemingly, her mum does too.
âYou okay, my lovely? Youâve been quiet.â
Aurora tears her eyes away from the window and offers a smile. âYeah, fine. Just knackered.â
And thatâs it.
She drops them off at home, where theyâre mercifully alone - Auroraâs dad is at work, and wonât be back until late evening, her sisterâs off doing a cosmetology course, and her mumâs going out with some friends as soon as theyâre safely inside. The first thing Tayce does upon getting inside is steals Auroraâs charger to give her phone a boost, making herself comfortable on the end of the bed to scroll through her notifications until her best friend has perked up a bit. Thereâs a message from Asttina that pops up, sent less than one minute ago.
Asttina [10.08am]: That was fun x
A slight understatement, Tayce thinks. Fun isnât how she would put it. It had felt⊠validating, maybe, or gratifying, a beautiful confirmation of a fact she already knew, but had never been able to test. That love and women are synonymous in Tayceâs life, and they always will be. She feels a wave of confidence at her certainty.
Tayce [10.09am]: are we gfs???
Asttina [10.09am]: We can be ;) x
Tayce [10.09am]: is it ok if i donât wanna tell anyone? like not yet
Asttina [10.10am]: I donât either. It can just be for us x
Girlfriends. That sounds nice. She sets her phone down, watching the percentage climbing up from its measly 17%. Aurora has gotten changed, unabashedly stripping out of her Christmas dress and slipping into some comfy joggers and a loose black vest. She looks at Tayce for a second too long, and their friendship has spanned enough time that words arenât fully necessary to communicate. Her eyes have given away a problem long before her tongue would ever dare to verbalise it.
âWhat?â
Aurora sighs, caught. âHow longâs that been going on, then? You and Tina?â
Makes sense. Being the queen of gossip, that one person who knows everything about everyoneâs business, itâs probably been killing Aurora all night that she felt as though something juicy had slipped by her. Sheâs always the one Tayce goes to when sheâs mildly curious about the tea on a random fifth year.
âThat was the first time,â She answers, truthfully. A lie of omission isnât really a lie, she thinks - sure, they had that moment in the common room but that wasnât anything physical, anything that could really be counted as something. Itâs not something Aurora needs to know, anyway, because no one knew. Sheâs not missing out on the knowledge if no one else knows it, she thinks.
âDidnât look like it,â Aurora snarks.
Tayce puts her bitchy tone of voice down to the hangover and tiredness, and ignores it. âIt was, swear to God. Why?â
Aurora sits down on the bed, taking the opposite end and curling her legs beneath her like a cat. She takes a pillow and puts it in her lap, her hands resting over it. Tayce thinks, absent-mindedly, that this would be a beautiful shot for a photographer to capture. A teen girl, comfortable, musing, fresh from a night of fun and partying. It would be some kind of artistic commentary on the mundanity that inevitably follows excitement.
âI just- I just think itâs funny,â Aurora begins, and Tayceâs stomach drops. Nothing good has ever come after those words. âThat you never told me you were gay. Or bi, or however you identify. Like I get not wanting everyone to know, babe, but I thought it was different because weâre best friends. You were the first person I told.â
Among the guilt and discomfort stirring in her stomach, a surge of annoyance shoots through Tayce like a lightning bolt. Itâs a horrible, jarring feeling, to be annoyed at her. Sheâs never been genuinely annoyed by her best friend before, the two of them always joking that it was impossible for them to actually fray any nerves, just glancing off one another with a giggle and a wink. But this, for some reason, strikes an angry chord that Tayce didnât know sheâd ever had. In what world does Auroraâs bravery mean that sheâs owed Tayceâs?
âI wasnât ready for anyone to know, chick.â She admits, trying to swallow the anger in favour of bleeding-heart honesty. âIf you hadnât seen us, I wouldnât have told you today.â
Aurora looks hurt, her pupils big and black, the corners of her mouth ever-so-slightly downturned. Her beauty does not justify her emotion, though it softens the blow.
âIs she your girlfriend?â
She considers lying, but the last thing she wants is Aurora getting more upset. Especially since it has nothing to do with her, and is therefore her favourite subject.
âI think so, alright? But you canât tell anyone, weâre not doing that. Itâs just for us right now.â
Aurora huffs, but holds her hands up in surrender. âI wonât say anything. Iâll take a leaf out of your book.â
Tayce bristles at the dig. She knows Auroraâs sharp tongue and cutting words better than anyone, and as her best friend itâs protected her from many battles, but this is the first time the blade has really been used against her. Perhaps heightened by the hangover irritation, she shoots her a dangerous look.
âDonât speak to me like that. You do realise I donât owe you anything?â
Aurora blinks, taken aback. This might be the first time sheâs been challenged. Good, Tayce thinks. Humble yourself. âI never said you did! But a bit of transparency would be nice, your whole friend group is a bunch of queers, your best friend included, and you didnât even think to tell me that youâre gay or you had a crush on Tina?â She stands up, pacing, and then settles in front of the vanity table sheâd begged her mum for. âI mean, Christ, babes, crushing on Tina is a rite of passage for us all at this point, whether she knows it or not.â
Tayce feels herself getting heated, and finds herself shifting the blame to Aurora, even though sheâs fairly certain itâs her own internalised issues making her so mad. Aurora is easier to blame, in any case, and wears the accusations stunningly, her anger as beautiful as it is devastating. âSee, this is why I didnât fucking tell you, Rory. I know itâs all funny-haha with our lot, but my queerness isnât a joke! Iâm the one who has to lie and say Bimâs the only one who ever came out and the rest of us all date boys if my parents ask. I canât have people joking about this, and every fucking day itâs something about us shagging or Ellie and Lawrence falling fanny-first into each other!â
âThen say that, and we wonât! Weâre not arseholes, babe.â Aurora frowns. Her cheeks are pink, reddening in the mirrorâs reflection. âOh my god. You donât trust me.â
âI trust you with my life.â
âBut not your queerness. Or your little girlfriend.â
âMy little girlfriend?â Tayce stands up now too, unsure of how the conversation has gotten itself to this point. âRory, why are you being like this?â
Aurora shrugs, forced nonchalance written across her pursed lips, cocked eyebrow, steely eyes. âI think you should go. I have coursework to do. Your girlfriendâs probably blowing up your phone.â
Tayce tries to breathe, to calm things. âRory- itâs just Tina. You donât have to call her my girlfriend - itâs Tina, our Tina.â
âYour Tina. Congrats. Iâll see you tomorrow.â
-
Itâs weird, because Tayce knows Aurora. She knows the sweet, soft, vulnerable side that hides behind her sharp tongue and perfectly made-up facade, knows what you could call the truth. But sheâs starting to see why people outside of the friendship circle think that sheâs a bitch.
Because she is one.
Apparently, her need to be the first one on the scene when gossip arises is enough to strain a friendship that Tayce had foolishly assumed was stronger than steel. It doesnât matter, though, she reminds herself daily. She has a girlfriend, and an entire group full of friends that isnât just Aurora, no matter how much it had felt like that. Tayce is surrounded by people that love her. It hardly matters if one has decided, however petty, that she doesnât like her.
Either itâs that or this new boyfriend that sheâs become obsessed with over the past couple of months, Marcus. Sheâs asked around, wondering if maybe Lawrence was privy to the information (although unlikely, since she would definitely have blabbed sooner), but no one has any idea how the pairing came to be. It just sort of feels like Aurora showed up one day on the arm of this lad, happy as anything with the attention it gave her, getting whisked away during free periods and lunch for an impromptu McDonaldâs lunch.
Theyâve not said more than two words to each other, Tayce and Marcus, since Aurora went cold on her, but she hates him inexplicably. Heâs not right for her. Somehow she just knows it.
âFuckinâ hell. Pedo Pete is back for our Rory,â Lawrence crosses her arms, watching as Aurora giggles and jumps in the front seat of Marcusâ battered 06 reg car. She kicks an old Burger King wrapper out of the way and leans over the mess to kiss him. He has a stupid goatee and Tayce imagines his breath smells like ash and lager. She averts her eyes at their display.
Still, she feels the urge to defend her old friend, slightly. âHeâs not a pedo, Loz. And his nameâs not Pete.â
Lawrence harrumphs. âHeâs twenty one! Sheâs seventeen. Whyâs he sniffing round secondary schools for girlfriends?â
Itâs kinda difficult to argue with her. Ellie seems to agree, her nose wrinkled at the unpleasantness of both Lawrenceâs wording and the truth behind it. Bimini frowns, as if in thought.
âHere, Tayce, why donât you talk to her about him? If anyone could make her see sense, itâs you.â They suggest.
Tayce doesnât have to look to know that Asttinaâs reacted, though she covers it well with a sudden but convincing coughing fit. No one else knows that Tayce has been essentially frozen out, that the last time they texted was two days after Ellieâs party. At first it had seemed like Aurora was just pissed off at her, something that usually only lasted a few days at most, but a month went by with very little change, then the return to sixth form with only enough social contact as to not arouse suspicion among their friends, then Marcus appeared, and it was like Aurora was saying yeah, Iâm finished with you. I donât need you anymore.
She shrugs, hoping she seems nonchalant and casual. âI could try. But itâs Rory, she doesnât listen to anyone.â
The group laughs, then Lawrence whacks Ellie on the back in what Tayce can only assume was intended to be an encouraging pat.
âRight, hen, we have revision booklets and a steaming cuppa calling our names. See you all Monday.â
They begin to walk off together, shoulder-barging the entire way down the street like a pair of bickering children. Bimini shakes their head fondly after them, and then bids Tayce and Asttina a warm goodbye each as their bus pulls up to the front of the school. Left alone, Tayce feels a silly little thrill go through her.
âBack to mine?â Asttina asks, though they both know itâs not even a question. Itâs been their routine for the past few months, as winter slipped out and spring burst forth. Her parents thought she was with Aurora, her friends thought she was at home, and Aurora wasnât around often enough to know or care that anything was going on. Asttinaâs home felt safe, a place for Tayce to just let go of everything.
So, naturally, it was within the safe cocoon of Asttinaâs home that the cracks started to show. Everything that was finally good, precariously balanced and managed and adapted to, started to crumble right before Tayceâs eyes.
âYou know what, I donât even care!â Tayce rants, her annoyance soothed by the rhythmic stroking of Asttinaâs fingers in her hair, but still bubbling beneath the surface. âLike- whatever, she can do what she wants. But would it kill her to text me once in a while or respond if I text her? Seriously?â
Above her, Asttina snorts. Her disdain for Aurora had been becoming more and more apparent as Tayce vented, and it was comforting to know someone else was seeing through the bullshit too. Aurora had been the best friend in the world right up until she hadnât, and Tayce was sick of feeling lied to, especially when no one else seemed to get it.
âItâs just fucking rude,â She agrees, beginning to idly plait a few strands of Tayceâs hair, her head comfortably wedged in Asttinaâs lap. âItâs disrespectful. Sheâs supposed to be your best friend.â
Tayce sighs. âExactly! Sheâs been funny with me since Ellieâs party. Honestly, I just think she misses having all that power over me and sheâs pissed off she canât have it again.â
Itâs mean to say, and not entirely truthful, but Tayce is angry and upset at someone she once loved. Asttina leans down and kisses her forehead, relaxing the muscles where sheâd lapsed into a frown.
âNo, literally though.â Asttina says, her voice judgemental. âI bet sheâs jealous. This is the first time since youâve been friends that sheâs not been the centre of your universe.â
âI donât think itâs that,â Tayce dismisses the notion, uncomfortable with the idea that Aurora was ever the centre of her universe. âBecause like, her boyfriend. She wants nothing to do with any of us just because sheâs got this boyfriend who drives her around everywhere like a bloody princess.â
Asttina nods. âAh, Nonce Charming. A real catch as far as non-dealers who look like dealers can go.â
Tayce bursts into giggles, smacking her girlfriendâs thigh. âYouâre awful! Absolute hound! Sheâd have your head for that!â
âIâd like to see her try.â
âI would too.â
She shifts, pulling herself up and grabbing Asttina by the back of the neck to kiss her. This is what the safety of Asttinaâs home affords, a quiet space where two girls can laugh and kiss and no one cares, no one knows, and it never needs to be a topic of conversation. Itâs just easy, comfortable. No unnecessary excitement, no stomach butterflies, just this. Warm lips and designer perfume and a fluffy pillow against her back.
For several moments sheâs lost in it, lost in the magic of kissing girls, lost in having a girlfriend, lost in an embrace both familiar and new. It takes a few seconds for her to realise the world isnât just the two of them in Asttinaâs bedroom, her brain suddenly tuning in to a new sound and Asttina gently pulling away from the kiss.
âBabe, your phone,â She breathes, her face millimetres from Tayceâs, her breath hot against her skin. âItâs ringing. Your mum?â
Christ, she hopes not. Reluctantly, Tayce shuffles backwards to grab the interrupting device, ready to roll her eyes and silence it, already arming herself with the sorry we were studying our phones were on silent excuse for when she gets grilled about it later. But the excuse leaves her mind as quickly as it enters once she actually glances at the screen, and sees not her mum but Aurora.
She frowns, showing Asttina. Her girlfriend shrugs.
âRory?â
Thereâs a peculiar noise down the phone, a sort of weird crackling sound. She waits for an answer, assuming the connection is just bad. The crackling happens again.
âHello?â
âTayce?â
Her stomach drops. The voice is hollow, trembling, fragile - it sounds like it could shatter any minute.
âRory?â She asks again. âAre you crying?â
No response, other than the sound of a shuddering breath after five seconds of silence. Then, after another ten seconds or so,
âCan you come over?â
Tayce blinks, the words unable to register in her mind before she hears the three beeping tones to indicate the call has ended. She drops the phone onto the bed and stares numbly at Asttina, hoping sheâll have some kind of answer.
âWhat happened? She alright?â
She shakes her head. âDefinitely crying. She asked me to go over.â
Asttinaâs eyes go wide. âJesus, I didnât even know Rory could produce real tears. She must be really upset. She didnât say what it was about?â
âNothing.â
âYou should probably go, then. Find out.â
God, Tayce is glad she said it. She was thinking the same thing, but it almost felt disloyal to just run away from her girlfriend after that conversation. Sheâs so lucky her girlfriend is so understanding, so kind, so nice even to a girl she can barely stand nowadays. Tayce pulls on her shoes, zipping up the boots and gathering her stuff back into her handbag as quickly as she can.
âYeah, Iâm gonna. Sorry to run out like this.â
Asttina silences her with a last-minute kiss, lingering for just a few seconds before pulling away. âDonât be. Youâre an amazing friend, babe. Text me, let me know whatâs going on, yeah?â
âOf course.â Tayce promises. âLove you.â
Luckily, Auroraâs house is only a ten minute walk away, but Tayce knows she can do it in seven or even six if she hurries it up, and this feels like the kind of scenario where her urgency is needed. Every ounce of resentment she held towards her best friend melts away in a fraction of a second, her broken voice and desperate call enough to wash anything cruel away. At the end of the day, Aurora is her best friend, she always has been, she always will be. No stupid fight will prevent Tayce from being the one to dry her tears before they fall.
As she arrives, she notices the driveway is empty - her parents must be at work, her sister at college. Tayce reaches into the hanging basket of flowers by the front door, plucking the spare key from it and opening the door as quickly as she can, kicking her shoes off, and running upstairs. She knows exactly what sheâll see, but it hurts to know her so well that sheâs right.
Aurora is sitting in the middle of her bed, her back against the wall, with her knees hugged to her chest and her hands linked around them. Her face is streaked with tears, not a stitch of makeup on, her skin red and blotchy and irritated from crying. She lets out a loud wail at Tayceâs entrance, her face crumpling. Itâs so heartbreaking that Tayce feels tears start to prick at her own eyes as she scrambles to sit next to her.
âCome here for a cwtch. Stop crying before I bloody start, you,â She fans her eyes with one hand, reaching around Aurora with the other to pull her into a hug. âYou silly sod. What are you crying for, whatâs going on?â
Aurora tries valiantly to speak, but every attempt only brings a fresh wave of tears forth, choking her up and closing her throat. After a few moments with little success, she tosses her phone in Tayceâs direction.
Tayce unlocks it and follows Auroraâs direction, tapping onto Whatsapp and into a conversation with some girl called Poppy. So far, so weird. Tayce is sure she doesnât know a Poppy.
Poppy [3.23pm]: Is this Aurora ?
Aurora [3.23pm]: yes whoâs this xx
Poppy [3.24pm]: So your the little skank messing around with my boyfriend then must be nice having no self respect your a little rat
Aurora [3.24pm]: what? Who are you? xx
Poppy [3.24pm]: Dont play dumb youre little act wont work on me bab Iâm not stupid! Your the whore running around wiht my fella little sket fuckin nasty to go for someone elses man like your actully vial for that
Aurora [3.25pm]: are you on about marcus?
Poppy [3.26pm]: fucking hell how thick are you ?! oviously iâm on about marcus you stupid prick and youre skanky arse needs to stay AWAY from him heâs gonna be a dad and we dont need you trying to break up are family
Aurora [3.26pm]: omg Iâm so sorry I didnât know he had a girlfriend xx
Poppy [3.27pm]: yeah right nasty little sket course you didnt, stay away from him or iâll spark you out gotta get tested now since i bet your riddled
Aurora [3.27pm]: I promise we havenât done anything just kissed and took me out places xx really sorry I honestly didnât know xx
Poppy [3.28pm]: just fuck off your a horrible cunt
Well, shit.
Aurora takes the phone from Tayceâs hand and chucks it across the room, where it thankfully lands unscathed in the middle of her beanbag chair. Tayceâs blood feels like itâs about to boil, certain she can feel the blistering heat of her rage beneath her skin. The audacity of this prick to use Aurora, to use her best friend, brilliant and bright and beautiful as she is, all while being in a long-term relationship with someone else - and to then let her take all of this abuse? If it wasnât for how desperately Aurora needs her comfort, Tayce would be marching down to find the bastard and give him a black eye with a fist full of Zara rings.
âSounds like they bloody deserve each other,â She hisses, feeling Aurora shake and sob into her shoulder. âHorrible pair of pricks! God help that baby.â
Thatâs probably not the right thing to say, but what is? How exactly do you comfort someone in this situation, especially your distant best friend?
Deciding not to make matters worse, Tayce just wraps Aurora fully in her arms, resting her chin on top of her head and saying nothing at all. With one hand, she rubs her back until the juddering breaths slow down, letting her ruin the front of her t-shirt with tears and snot without even a flinch. The least she deserves is being able to cry without any further embarrassment, since Tayce can imagine this whole ordeal is humiliating enough.
Somewhere off to the side, her phone buzzes. Probably Asttina checking in to see if Aurora is okay. Sheâs not sure where, but she feels a weird twist of guilt in her stomach as she switches her phone to silent and swipes the message away.
They stay like that for at least half an hour, arm cramps and uncomfortable positions be damned. Slowly, Tayceâs t-shirt dries, and when Aurora finally lifts her head, she seems much better than she was before. Her eyes are still puffy, lashes full and dark and pointed from her tears, and the blotchiness has faded into an overall pink tinge, her skin raw and fresh underneath. She wriggles slightly, not removing herself from Tayceâs grasp but letting them both get more comfortable, and places her head back down against Tayceâs shoulder rather than at her front. In their new position, Tayce can smell her sweet vanilla perfume.
âThank you for being here,â She mumbles, her voice still delicate but much clearer than before. âI really needed this.â
Tayce feels like sheâs blushing. âOh, you donât need to thank me. I barely did anything.â
âYou did everything,â Aurora insists. Her eyes are so earnest, so big and shining. âI didnât know who else to call. I donât trust anyone else and I knew-â She pauses, swallowing the lump in her throat, âI knew even after how much of a bitch I was, youâd answer.â
Asttinaâs words echo in her mind: This is the first time since youâve been friends that sheâs not been the centre of your universe.
No, she thinks. I resent that. Auroraâs my best friend.
Once again, she pushes all thoughts of Asttina to the back of her mind.
âI love you, Rory. Youâre my best friend, I wonât just stand by and let you get trampled on. Even if you are a mega-bitch.â
Then it happens - Aurora laughs. Itâs like the clouds splitting apart mid-storm, the crack of sunshine bursting through and blinding like a ray of hope and warmth. Sheâs going to be okay. Theyâre going to be okay.
âOh god, I am! I didnât mean to be!â She giggles, cringing at herself. âStuff got so confusing- boyfriends and girlfriends and feelings and- god. Iâm so sorry.â
âEnough of that,â Tayce waves her hand. âNo more sorryâs from either of us. We have nothing else to be sorry for.â
âIâll drink to that,â Aurora smiles. âI fucking love you. Youâre the best.â
Tayce grins. âI know.â
Aurora lifts her head up and looks at her, properly. Her eyes are sparkling, her smile genuine and bright. Tayce looks right back. Sheâs so pretty. Sheâs always been pretty. Aurora paints her face to perfection every single day and talks wistfully of when sheâll finally be old enough to get lip filler but Tayce thinks theyâre the perfect pouty shape, soft and plump and kissable, a pleasing shade of pink. Sheâs beautiful, and her lips are like the cherry on top of a sundae, the perfect accent to a gorgeous presentation, the finishing touches. Sheâs so inviting. Sheâs so wonderful. She smells so nice.
Kissing Aurora is the most natural thing in the world. They have a rhythm, a delicate balance of push-and-pull that they both instinctively know how to manage. Itâs just right, Tayceâs hands on her waist and Aurora, desperate, warm, cupping her cheeks and jaw. Nothing will feel as intrinsic and real as this, as kissing Aurora with reckless abandon, communicating things their words canât, stirring up feelings that not even Asttina-
Oh god. Asttina.
The realisation seems to hit them both at the same time, rapidly breaking apart. Tayce sits back on her heels, reeling. Sheâs just cheated on her girlfriend.
Theyâre quiet for a few minutes. Itâs awful. She honestly doesnât know whatâs worse - the horrifying, nauseating guilt and shame of cheating in her first ever relationship, or the fact that she wants to kiss Aurora again, to feel that all is right in the world for those brief, blissful moments before they come back up for air.
Aurora breaks the silence. âIâm not saying sorry.â
Tayce looks at her and swallows. âNeither am I.â
It happens again.
-
She should tell Asttina that she kissed Aurora. They hang out the day after, and she should tell her. But she doesnât.
At school, Aurora gains access to an empty classroom from a former tutor who still trusts her, and begs Tayce to help her revise in there. They cover the doorâs window with paper and make out over the back table. She should tell Asttina. But she doesnât.
As their six month anniversary arrives in June, Tayce and Asttina go out on a date to Nandos. Between flirting and kissing, Aurora texts her pictures of her modelling some of her newest design prototypes, scantily clad and gorgeous. She should tell Asttina. But she doesnât.
Over the summer holiday before their final year at school, Tayce is invited to join Auroraâs family on their holiday to Santorini. They sneak off together in their bikinis, getting bronze and tan and stealing kisses away from watchful eyes. She should tell Asttina. But she doesnât.
Valentineâs day approaches. She should tell Asttina. But she doesnât. She amicably ends things, citing a need to focus on exams and university prep, and thatâs that.
-
ââA fuckinâ love study leave.â Lawrence announces.
Ellie rolls her eyes. âThatâs because you do fuck all studying, hen. All youâve done is make brownies.â
âBullshit.â
âIs it?â
âI made shortcake too, you fat cunt. Donât you ever try to sell me short.â
Bimini blows a raspberry. âDo you two ever shut up? Asking for those of us who actually want to pass.â
Lawrence blows an arguably wetter, nastier one back. âAw, shut it. We all know youâre coming out with four fuckinâ A*âs. If anyone hereâs worried it should be Rory.â
âWhatâs that supposed to mean?â Aurora cries.
âExactly.â Lawrence shoots them all a look. âRight then, Bims, what you working on?â
âBusiness,â They respond. Lawrence yawns and wanders off to the kitchen.
Auroraâs eyes widen. âOh my god, please help me with Business. Iâm so shit. I canât get above a D, and thatâs on my best day, usually Iâm an E. I just want a C.â
Bimini pulls out their booklet, neatly highlighted and annotated in corresponding colours. Asttina follows suit, sifting through worksheets and hand-outs to find the correct ones for the module theyâre going through. Tayce just rereads the same few Textiles pages, determined to get them into her brain one way or another. Ellie slinks off to join Lawrence in the kitchen.
Tayce isnât really listening, one earphone in on her favourite 00s throwback playlist, but sheâs faintly aware of the Business buzzwords flying around, though the only one she really understands is profit. Itâs all so dull. She canât wait for this weird transitional period to just be over, wishing they could be out on the other side or even in the throes of exams just so the wait will be over and all thereâll be left to do is pack up and go off to university.
She pulls out her phone to text Aurora on the sly.
Tayce [2.56pm]: babe can we pls go back to urs after this im dying, youâre too pretty to be studying this hard anyway xx
The textbook screams at her to focus on sewing patterns and sustainability, so she tries and ultimately fails, instead checking to see if sheâs gotten a response in the minute her eyes have been away from the screen. Out of habit, her eyes flick up to the contact picture. Itâs⊠not Aurora.
Fuck.
Asttinaâs grinning face looks back at her on the phone. Shit, shit, shit shit.
Tayce [2.58pm]: sorry hun wrong person x
Asttina [2.59pm]: Are you kidding?
Youâre fucking Aurora now? Is that why you ended things?
Tayce [2.59pm]: iâm not fucking her!
Asttina [3.00pm]: So it is why you ended things. Not for exams after all, since you clearly have time for the girl you swore to me you werenât into like that.
Tayce feels sick. Itâs excruciating, not only to have such a horrible conversation but to have it over text, while the person in question is only a few feet away, acting like nothingâs wrong, pretending to revise her fucking Business modules. The shame and guilt wells up, hot and heavy and prickly in the pit of her stomach. She should tell her.
Tayce [3.00pm]: itâs not like that. iâm sorry tina.
Asttina [3.00pm]: Donât call me Tina.
I really liked you Tayce. Youâre a great friend but we were so good together, I had no idea why you ended it. It was for her, wasnât it? I bet something happened. I wish you knew how much this hurts.
She should tell her.
Tayce [3.07pm]: it wasnât meant to happen. we kissed a while back and idk it was different, i canât explain it. i really like her asttina iâm so so sorry youâre an amazing gorgeous girl really :( i feel like utter shit genuinely i would never want to hurt you, i should never have done it i shouldâve told you straight away.
Asttina [3.09pm]: Straight away? Are you seriously saying you were messing around with her while we were dating?
Tayce [3.09pm]: not messing around just
idk
Asttina [3.10pm]: Fucking hell. Iâm actually disgusted I never pegged you as the type. Well it sounds like you two deserve each other then.
Tayce [3.10pm]: iâm really really sorry asttina, i mean it. i know that doesnât fix things but i hope you can forgive me someday. i can leave if that would make you more comfortable
Asttina [3.11pm]: Please. Donât let me get in the way of you and Awhora pairing off together.
After a few moments, she stands up. âI gotta go, gonna miss my bus otherwise. Good luck girls.â
Itâs innocent enough, a believable excuse and some positive energy for their studies, but Tayce canât help feeling like thereâs a double meaning behind her words. She feels awful. Without thinking, she stands up too.
âHere, Iâll walk you out. I need to stretch my legs.â
For the sake of keeping up appearances, Asttina smiles and nods, not protesting. Tayce waits until theyâre just out of earshot, the front door closed behind them, and then the apologies start tumbling from her lips. Asttina holds up a hand and silences her.
âI donât want to hear anything else from you. Iâm tired of you lying.â She folds her arms, her beautiful dark eyes dulled with sadness. âYouâre a fucking coward is what you are. You lie about everything because youâre too scared to tell the truth. Canât tell your friends youâre gay. Canât tell your parents. Canât tell the people who love you most that you have a girlfriend. Canât tell the girlfriend that while youâre so scared of coming out youâre quite happy to confirm your sexuality by getting off with another girl.â
The worst part is that Tayce canât even look her in the eyes.
âI donât care, okay? We broke up months ago. I care that you lied to me, it hurts that you lied to me, but youâre free to do whatever you want. Just know that if you keep being a lying, cheating coward, youâre not gonna get anywhere in life. Youâll be miserable and afraid like you are now for the rest of your life. And honestly, you kinda deserve it.â
Tayce has no right to cry, so she does everything she can to swallow back her tears, forcing the lump in her throat down and breathing hard. She tears her eyes away from the ground, trying to show a little bit of strength by looking up, but as soon as she manages, the dam breaks. Asttinaâs face is a mask, flawless and distinctive but delicate, moments away from shattering, her eyes glistening and her jaw set in place. Sheâs one of Tayceâs closest friends, her first love, someone she cares endlessly about - and yet even in her mind thereâs a twinge of guilt as the little voice corrects her. She was your first relationship, not your first love. Auroraâs your first love.
Oh god, she loves Aurora.
How could she have done this to Asttina?
âIâm sorry.â She calls out, zoning back in and realising that Asttina has begun walking away.
Asttina turns, briefly, her gaze serious. âFor what?â
Thereâs no answer. Thereâs nothing Tayce can possibly say that makes any sense.
âThatâs what I thought.â
She heads back inside.
In the middle of Lawrenceâs living room floor, Aurora and Bimini lie on their fronts with a poster between them, annotating diagrams that Tayce neither understands nor attempts to try, the both of them armed with pastel highlighters and glitter gel pens like students on a mission. The room is trashed from their collective efforts, Ellieâs art binder open against the big sofa, Lawrenceâs books in disarray with pages folded and crumpled all across the table and the floor. She hears them both in the kitchen still, clattering around and bickering, and decides to rescue Lawrenceâs exercise books from their tragic fate while thereâs still time, gently smoothing them out. Aurora offers her a smile, none the wiser to the emotional grenade just detonated outside.
Sheâll explain everything later. She wonât be a coward this time.
Her thoughts are thankfully interrupted by a loud whoop in the kitchen, followed by, âFUCKING YES!â in the specific intonation of what can only be Lawrence Chaney discovering a cupboard full of alcohol. Sure enough, she bursts back into the living room with two bottles of wine in hand, Ellie hot on her heels with another two, sporting matching, manic grins.
ââA rather think weâve studied enough, hens,â She announces, setting the bottles down, âSo put that shite away!â
Aurora looks up, then wrinkles her nose in distaste. âElls, you donât even like wine!â
Ellie shrugs. âI do if itâs free and I fancy a drink.â
Bimini laughs. âI mean, it is starting to get dark outsideâŠâ
The girls all turn to the window, the sky a pale mauve. Thatâs good enough, right? In any case, Tayce isnât turning down a chance to wipe away these horrible messy feelings churning her stomach. If anythingâs gonna make her feel like shit, it may as well be the inevitable wine hangover of tomorrow.
-
Itâs not immediately obvious where Tayce is when she opens her eyes. The first thing to register is the metal clamp around her head, squeezing her temples and radiating all the way around. After a few seconds of intense thinking, which hurts all the more, she comes to the conclusion that sheâs crumpled up in Lawrenceâs bathtub. Because of course. But what even-
âMorninâ, Karen Bitchell,â Ellie waves. Sheâs clearly been awake for a while, if her smudged makeup and fierce hugging of the toilet bowl are anything to go off.
She blinks. âExcuse me?â
âLast ni- ahhhâŠâ She chuckles, mischief in her eyes, âYou donât remember. Not surprising, hen. You went round parodying Eastenders at one point. Gave us all names. You were Karen Bitchell.â
âAnd you?â
âThot Bottom.â
Despite her sore head, she laughs. âIâm a bloody genius! Lawrence?â
âPhyllis Bitchell.â
âYou ainât my mother!â Tayce laughs. She feels fucking awful, but it sounds like a great night. âWho else, Aurora?â
Ellie pauses for a moment, pukes into the toilet, flushes, and then wipes her mouth off with toilet paper. âYou told her she couldnât be in Eastenders because sheâs already in TOWIE. Then she told you to go back to Barry Island where you belong.â
âThe audacity!â She tries to wrack her brain for anything from the night, but nothing emerges. âUh, Bims?â
âScat Slater.â
Tayce snorts, then winces. Damn this headache. âThatâs actually obscene, oh my word. How come you remember all this and I donât, then?â
Ellie takes several deep breaths, and once suitably calmed down, offers a cheeky grin. âYou were absolutely plastered, hen. I mean, I was bad, but you and wine are a very interesting mix. Went to your head in seconds.â
âI can feel it, babes, itâs still up there,â She half-laughs, half-groans in response, rubbing her forehead and making to clamber awkwardly out of the bath. âNo idea how I ended up here.â
Ellie shrugs. âI came in when I started feeling sick half an hour ago and you were dead asleep, I just didnât question it. The others are downstairs, I think Bims is making breakfast. Vegan pancakes.â
âHow the bloody hell do you make a vegan pancake?â
âGo find out, I guess.â
Bimini, of course, is irritatingly normal as Tayce heads downstairs, always fresh as a daisy after a night of drinking no matter how much they consumed. She watches for a moment as they busy around the kitchen, a big mixing bowl in front of them, while Lawrence sits at the table with her head in her hands, occasionally passing utensils or ingredients over without moving beyond that. Itâs refreshing to know that Biminiâs the weird one, not the rest of them, all hanging out their arses while they beam sunshine into the room. Tayce decides that if they breathe a word about their veganism being the reason for it, sheâll simply have to smack them.
âMorning, babes!â Bimini calls, taking a whisk from Lawrenceâs limp hand and combining everything in the bowl. âHow ya feeling?â
She gestures towards Lawrence with her head. âShe looks how I feel.â
âFuck off back to Hell where ya came from.â
âRacist.â Tayce sticks out her tongue, not that Lawrence can see. âIâm from Wales.â
âAnd do you miss the sheep?â
âYouâre the reason they changed the Irn Bru recipe,â Tayce shoots back, laughing at the gasp of outrage. âRight, thatâs my cue to leave you to it, babes.â
She finds Aurora in the living room, sitting on the sofa with her legs tucked underneath her, quietly scrolling through her Instagram feed. Taking advantage of the situation, she flings herself down into the empty space next to her, her head in Auroraâs lap so she can look up at her. Even hungover - and from such a horrifically unflattering angle - she looks beautiful.
Auroraâs a far cry from the girl Tayce once knew her as, all huge floppy buns and Dream Matte Mousse foundation in shade Tangerine and pearly lipgloss from Boots. Strangely, sheâd managed to pull off that awful look back then, somehow, but now sheâs nothing short of perfect, the makeup and clothing refined and polished, her personal style both distinctive and glamorous. And - something Tayce appreciates a lot - she always removes her makeup at the end of the day, even drunk, and as she smiles down at the girl in her lap her skin is bare and smooth, her gaze much softer without the striking black lines around them.
âHiya, gorgeous,â She smiles, her free hand combing through Tayceâs hair. âFeeling alright this morning?â
Tayce groans. âEveryoneâs asked me that so far. How bad was I?â
Aurora chuckles. âYou were pretty funny. Kept us all entertained.â
Itâs almost as if she knows that this is the safest Tayce has ever felt. Here, in Auroraâs lap, being gently fawned over and smiled at, this is where sheâs the most comfortable sheâs certain sheâll ever be. Itâs like she knows that if thereâs ever a time to break tense news to someone, this is that time.
âYou should know⊠I donât know if anyone else has mentioned it. You, uh, came out to us all last night.â
Briefly, a flare goes off in the pit of her stomach, an explosion of anxiety and fear preparing to fight whatever horrible consequences will inevitably follow this drunken moment of vulnerability. But then Auroraâs fingers stop combing, caught in a little knot, and she carefully detangles it without a word, smoothing it down again, and carries on.
âI know you were really worried about that and if people would make jokes and not take you seriously but I promise none of us will. You just kept going on about feeling like you were lying or being a coward, so I just wanna make sure youâre okay because everyone here loves you so much and weâre so, so proud of you. None of us want you to feel like you shouldnât have come out.
Part of Tayce is mortified. Sheâs just⊠come out to her friends, drunk, like itâs nothing, when really itâs everything. Sheâs just ripped open a piece of herself and held it in her hands, glistening and bleeding and dripping, for everyone she loves to see and observe, and she doesnât even remember it. She can feel the wound, though, the pit of regret and dread, still raw and red and aching. Tayce has lost a piece of herself and she doesnât even have the consolation prize of remembering how she gave it away.
But part of her battles those feelings. It makes no sense, but at the same time, sheâs liberated from this stupid secret, this festering tumour filled with shame and embarrassment and self-loathing. Perhaps her drunken self was right to reach in, dig it out, and free herself from the shackles of it. Her sexuality should never have had such a drastic impact on her the way it has. Maybe now itâs out there, she wonât feel so heavy all the time.
Eventually, she realises Aurora has fallen quiet, waiting worriedly for her response. Tayce reaches up and clasps her other hand.
âIâll be okay. Iâm glad you all know.â
And it isnât a lie. The more she thinks about it, the more she knows itâs the truth. Especially since sheâs spoken to everyone, albeit momentarily, and not a single one of them made a big deal out of it, or even brought it up. They just accepted it, as easily as they would if she had informed them of a change of hairstyle. Itâs just part of her, and they chose years ago to love her to completion.
The warmth that fills her is slow but definite. Her friends pour in, Ellie managing to tear herself away from the bathroom long enough to get some breakfast in her, Bimini proudly serving their admittedly not terrible pancakes in motherly abundance, Lawrence emerging from her hungover cocoon with her usual dry wit. It feels natural and nice, just to sit amongst friends like this, to be known but not scrutinised, for the information to be neatly shelved away. Maybe she should thank Asttina - and apologise again - for the push she so clearly needed. It doesnât feel good, necessarily, but Tayce is sure thatâll come with time. It just feels okay. As though very little has changed.
Their plates cleared and Aurora squeezing her hand, Tayce stretches and looks around. âRight. Whereâs my bloody phone, then? God knows I canât have been in a state to look after it. Better not have smashed it, mumâll kill me.â
Aurora laughs, agreeing. âNah, babes. Took it off you after a while. Itâs charging over there, by the lamp.â
She frees Tayceâs hand so she can go and grab it. When she sits back down to look at it, her stomach drops.
Mum - Missed call (4)
Dad - Missed call (2)
Mum - Missed call (7)
âIâve got, like, ten missed calls off my parents,â She hums, confused. âAny idea what I did?â
To her relief, everybody shrugs. It canât have been bad, then, if nobody saw anything. Theyâre probably just annoyed that she stayed out without asking, but in her defence, sheâs at the age now where itâs mostly acceptable to inform parents of plans rather than asking for permission, right? Tayce thinks so, anyway.
âIâll text mum, see whatâs going on.â
Tayce [9.42am]: Whatâs up? xx
Lawrence yawns, a veritable foghorn sound disrupting the conversation. âWe are fucked for our exams if this happens every time we get bored of revising.â
Ellie throws back her head and whines. âIâm fucked anyway. Do you know how hard it is to do well in Art?â
âYouâre fine! Your arty-farty shit is great! You can just finger-paint for two days while us lot get fuckinâ arthritis writing essays.â
âBitch! Itâs far more work than that!â
Bimini shoots Aurora and Tayce an exhausted look. âGirls, theyâre off again. What was the protocol from last time?â
âBucket of cold water?â Aurora suggests.
Lawrence practically erupts into flames at the very idea. âYou fuckinâ dare douse me in a bucket of cold water and Iâll-â
âCalm down, Loz, we wouldnât waste precious water on you!â Tayce adds gleefully, âWouldnât even piss on you if you were on fire.â
âDidnât realise you were into that,â She responds instantly, âBut good for you hen! I wonât kinkshame.â
Aurora rolls her eyes. âCan you believe people are actually into-â
Tayceâs phone buzzes. She looks down.
Mum [9.53am]: Your dadâs really not happy with you tayce after that voicemail last night. You need to come home and speak to us asap to clear this mess up. You were clearly in a state and itâs disrespectful, frankly your dadâs fuming and doesnât want to see you but you should at least come and apologise for saying all that rubbish xx
âSo apparently I left mum and dad a voicemail.â
The room falls silent.
Ellieâs the first to break through. âDo you think you-â
âProbably.â
Tayce [9.54am]: what did i say??? xx
Mum [9.55am]: Donât play games please tayce you know what Iâm talking about, all this vulgar rubbish about you being gay. Youâve not even had a boyfriend so how would you know anyway? I know itâs trendy to be gay nowadays but weâre really disappointed in you being so silly xx
âTrendy. She said being gay is trendy. And Iâm just being silly.â
Tayce [9.55am]: mum i canât help what i am
Mum [9.56am]: But youâre not tayce youâre just a kid you donât know what youâre on about, stop messing around now. This isnât what we want for you at all itâs making me feel a bit sick. You donât need to rebel against us tayce weâll always love you but this is just daft, donât be telling everyone that xx
Tayce [9.57am]: why canât i?? itâs my life
Mum [9.58am]: Itâs not just your life darling you know your dadâs not been good with his heart recently, he was so upset last night over your message I thought for sure he was going to have another attack. Youâre just being selfish and childish now come home so we can talk about this properly. Youâre not gay so stop saying it, if not for me then for your poor dad xx
Tayce [10.01am]: u canât seriously be blaming dadâs heart problems on me
i didnât plan on telling u like this but i didnât expect this reaction either
i donât wanna come home if ur both gonna be like this
Not a word is spoken. Barely anyone even breathes, the tension in the air heavy and suffocating, too thick to cut through even with the burning desire to. Tayce feels her friends rallying around her, both emotionally and literally, Aurora to her left and Bimini to her right, Lawrence and Ellie behind her, all staring at the phone screen with the same reserved fury.
She wishes she could feel angry. Anger would feel powerful, but Tayce feels completely powerless, despairing as she tries to justify her existence to the very people who brought her into being. It was one thing to know how they would react to her coming out, but actually experiencing it is another thing entirely. Itâs like her soul is being crushed.
Mum [10.02am]: Weâre not having a daughter pretending to be gay under our roof tayce, itâs not happening your dad wonât allow it and I wonât either. People will be nasty and youâre just creating more trouble for yourself here by doubling down on all of this silliness. Pack it in now youâre not a child xx
Tayce [10.03am]: so iâm a kid, then iâm not a kid, which is it?
Mum [10.03am]: Drop the attitude now. Weâve had enough of this. Come home now but youâd best not speak to your dad because he doesnât want to see you at all xx
Tayce [10.04am]: iâm not coming home.
Mum [10.04am]: Fine, thatâs your choice but this isnât the lifestyle we wanted for you, we always hoped for better but okay you make your bed you lie in it too. You can find your stuff outside whenever you decide to come by, you can either come in and talk to us or take it and go elsewhere to keep up this charade xx
The numbness worries her most. She just feels nothing.
The rest of the morning passes in a blur. At some point, she gets dressed. Everyone piles into Lawrenceâs car, driven by Ellie, and it feels as though Tayce blinks and then theyâre in town, walking towards the local Wetherspoons, chatting aimlessly, close friends offering smiles everywhere she turns. They eat lunch, which Tayce doesnât remember paying for, and Bimini pays for hers as well as their own. Thereâs not a pitying stare to be found, only kindness, though it glances right off her. She isnât even sure sheâs in her own body anymore.
As they get back into the car, the camaraderie turns a little more sombre, but the support is still ramped up to 100. Aurora fights for The Spice Girlsâ greatest hits to play as they go, and theyâre at least three quarters of the way there before Tayce even realises sheâs almost to her house. When Ellie parks, the music stops. Itâs apt, because the lighthearted chatter does too.
Thereâs a suitcase and a rucksack on the driveway, as promised, leaning against her dadâs car. A large cardboard box filled with trinkets sits next to them, open, with a roll of packing tape balanced on top of the folds, because of course they couldnât even go to the effort of sealing it for her. Worse still, scattered all over the driveway and the pavement, school supplies, textbooks, notepads and revision cards litter everything, seemingly dropped at random. Looking up, the open bedroom window confirms her suspicions. Itâs all just been dumped out.
She swallows the lump in her throat and makes to get out of the car.
âWait,â Aurora says, and climbs out first. âOkay.â
Tayce follows her. Ellie, Lawrence and Bimini step out of the car too, all standing at her side, staring together in disbelief at her whole life, tossed to the curb.
âBastards.â Ellie swears under her breath. Tayce expects Lawrence to elbow her, but she doesnât. Everyone agrees with the sentiment.
Biminiâs brow creases, their expression pained. âBabe⊠I could help you talk to them, if you want?â
Words arenât possible yet. Tayce shakes her head, and Bimini squeezes her arm in support. They make no effort to convince her to go in and talk.
Beside her, she feels Aurora physically shaking with anger, but when she speaks, her voice is strained, deliberately controlled, and level. âYouâre staying with me. Weâre always happy to have you.â
She just nods. Lawrence is the first to cross from the pavement to the driveway, picking up the suitcase and fitting it carefully into the boot of her car. Everyone else follows suit, Bimini sealing the cardboard box and strapping it in behind the rucksack, Aurora and Ellie working together to gather and reorganise all of the ruined school things. Tayce just stands there, blankly, watching as her friends pack everything away for her, her heart swelling despite the pit sheâs sunken into. If not her real family, this family love her more than anything.
âGot anything else of Tayceâs, you sacks of shite?â Lawrence shouts, no doubt disturbing the neighbours with her tone. âIf not, you can fuck off and fuck off forever!â
Tayce stares at her home, the family cars, the driveway sheâs walked up and down for years on end, and it hits her. Itâs just gravel. Her home - her house - is just brick and plaster and paint. Itâs all just materials; itâs all just stuff. It doesnât mean anything. It doesnât matter.
She expects to do a dramatic one last look, but once she tears her eyes away, looking back is the last thing she wants to do.
âIâm ready to go.â
-
Moving in with Aurora is strange. Her parents are the first people that she properly comes out to, sober, of her own volition, as they explain the madness of the past twenty four hours. If the shock on their faces wasnât enough, the scandalised hug that her mum wraps her up in is confirmation enough that itâs not normal for parents to be the way Tayceâs are. Good parents are loving and supportive, like Auroraâs, and undoubtedly the reason sheâs so wonderful.
At first she stays on the floor in Auroraâs room, like she would during their many sleepovers, made comfortable with blankets, cushions, spare pillows, sleeping bags, and whatever else they can scrape together. It removes any walking room from the space, but neither Tayce nor Aurora mind. Although they shouldnât, they talk and giggle way into the early hours of the morning, starting with the innocent intentions of testing each other on their upcoming exam material, and ending up silently shaking with laughter over some tidbit of gossip about the fifth years.
And, of course, itâs so easy to slip into their little romance when theyâre always in each otherâs space. At least half of the nights, Tayce settles down to sleep on her makeshift floor-bed and ends up squished into Auroraâs single bed, almost on top of each other, limbs entangled and pinned down beneath one another, holding tight both out of want and the need to keep the other from falling onto the floor. They share a kiss, or two, or ten, though it never goes further. Tayce is a little bit glad. Sheâs not sure either of them are quite ready for that conversation.
Then, conveniently, the week before exams properly start, Auroraâs older sister moves in with her boyfriend. He lives a fifteen minute bus ride away, but Aurora still cries saying goodbye to her sister, hugging her fiercely at the front door. Tayce cries too, privately, once in her new room, but only because her sister had given Tayce the same tight hug, the same goodbye cheek kiss, like sheâs part of the family for real. Auroraâs parents insist that she is.
She makes the occasional attempt to connect with her family, but nothing seems to stick.
Tayce [8.27am]: my last fashion and textiles exam is today, then iâm done completely
[read by Dad - 8.45am]
Part of her just wants to go back in time, to go back into the closet, to pretend this all never happened.
Tayce [10.34am]: mum?
[message not delivered]
Tayce [10.34am]: dad?
[message not delivered]
It feels as though she never existed.
-
The second worst day of Tayceâs life starts with a fire alarm blaring in her ears at quarter to six in the morning.
Cursing the name of whatever psychopath would allow something like that to happen at such a ridiculous time, or even to be awake at that time, she quickly pulls on a pair of (mismatched) boots and her dressing gown and rushes outside to join everyone else in the block of flats. She wouldâve been pleased to see she wasnât the only disgruntled one, if not for her inability to feel positive emotions so early in the day. As she stands outside, shivering, seething, waiting for her accelerated heartbeat to slow down, she thinks to herself well, at least the day can only get better from here.
How naive.
Once sheâs back inside, her dressing gown sleeve gets caught on the door handle, accidentally pulling her back when she tries to shut it. Itâs an easy fix, but already Tayce can tell everythingâs going to pile up. These are the straws, and apparently today she is the hapless camel.
A run-down of Tayceâs morning: the underwire in her bra snaps, the only milk left in the fridge is off, it takes three attempts to get her eyeliner right which she then proceeds to ruin with clumsy-handed mascara, her hair just wonât lay flat, it turns out her phone wasnât charging overnight, and sheâs missed bin day, so her flat is gonna stink for an extra week. Itâs a fantastic start to the day.
When she finally manages to get her shit together, she decides the only thing that can salvage this mess is an overpriced coffee. Of course, nowhere is delivering to her flat today, because why would the universe make things a little easier for her? She attempts to get an Uber into town four times, with four cancellations, before resigning herself to just walking. As she gets to the town centre, a further five minute walk to her beloved, desperately needed Costa, she realises itâs her dadâs birthday, and her heart sinks.
It gets easier to cope with, but the pain of being entirely rejected by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally never quite goes away. Tayce finds herself seventeen again, wanting to crawl back into the closet, to beg and plead forgiveness, just to hand over a small present and feel not quite comfortable but familiar enough to feel the illusion of comfort. Five years on and sheâs had only the briefest of exchanges with them, her number blocked and unblocked and blocked again, the pointed Facebook rants screenshotted and sent over by concerned but ultimately uninterested cousins.
And was it even worth it? Thereâs only one woman Tayce is actually interested in, and-
She tries not to think about it, smiling politely at the barista who hands her the much-needed drink and tucking herself into a booth off in the far corner, but her mind betrays her. Most of her time nowadays, when not regretting going to university for the worldâs most pointless degree, is spent thinking about Aurora.
Maybe her standards are too high, or something equally as prudish serving as an excuse, but the fact of the matter is, Tayce is embarrassed to still be a virgin in her twenties. Everyone else seems to have ticked that one off years ago, or at least fairly recently, and she feels nowhere near even coming close. She knows Aurora was sixteen, with whatever boyfriend it was at the time. She has no idea when it was for Lawrence and Ellie, what with their dating, then not dating, then dating again, but theyâre obviously at it now, so theyâre ahead of her. Bimini, with their effortless charm, is always off on exciting dates. Itâs just Tayce, again, aimless, lost.
Or still on some stupid teenage crush, still stuck on the first love. The furthest sheâs ever gone with Aurora is making out and groping at each other, and it still happens regularly, but theyâve never pushed it any further. Itâs almost as if itâs wrong, as if theyâd be testing the boundaries of being best friends too much with such a big risk. She has no right to feel that way, but it crushes her every time Aurora mentions some kind of dating app.
Thankfully, with the caffeine in her system, sheâs able to remind herself that sheâs being pathetic and move past it. Todayâs shit, it will probably remain shit, but the least she can do is not dwell on being in love with Aurora.
Okay, woah. Maybe in love is a little bit far. But then, is it?
The caffeine once again reminds her to shut up. She decides to listen.
Itâs at that moment, when Tayce is just starting to make peace with her terrible day, that a man approaches her. Men, in general, are a recipe for disaster, but she canât quite make her mind up about this one. Heâs white, ginger, with the beginnings of a beard on his chin and kind eyes, but heâs also wearing a red beanie with an expensive camera slung around his neck and his phone out. Red flags, green flags. She decides to just go along with it, too exhausted from a weird, shitty morning to fight for her life.
âHi!â He greets her, his voice warm and pleasant. âSorry to disturb you, I just- I had to tell you, youâre absolutely beautiful. Would it be okay if I got some pictures of you in this gorgeous outfit?â He gestures to his camera, and Tayce realises heâs filming from the phone. âIâm a photographer, I go out and about in the city and photograph interesting people when I find them.â
Interesting is good enough. Any chance at lifting herself out of this moody funk sheâs in, sheâll take.
âUh, okay,â She agrees, trying her best to smile as he grins excitedly, âI havenât had the best day today, thatâs why I look so miserable.â
âWell, you wear it beautifully,â He tells her, oddly sincere. âYour face - you could be a model, easily. Have you ever done it before?â
âNo, never.â
The camera clicks, quick and satisfying. âYouâre a natural. I almost donât believe you.â
He explains, as she poses, that he has a little video series on his social media pages, Twitter and Instagram and Tiktok, where he finds the aforementioned interesting people around town, films with them a little, and then shares the results of his photography in the videos. Apparently people like it.
Theyâre not shooting for long, but Tayceâs mood starts to improve dramatically. It does feel pretty natural, to be honest, being in front of a camera. Sheâs always been long and lean, and all the years of staring at fashion magazines wondering why she was so entranced (turns out: lesbian) seem to have paid off, Tayce finding herself recreating the poses with ease. The photographer, who identifies himself as Dan, looks at her like sheâs struck gold every time she changes positions. She dares to hope that maybe today is salvageable after all-
Brrring!
A bell sounds, a wheel skates dangerously close, and as the gang of fourteen year olds laugh on their bikes together, Tayce shrieks and stumbles backwards. Into the fountain.
Not only is she wet, cold and humiliated, sheâs in front of a fucking camera. Feeling petulant and childish, Tayce swears sheâs one more embarrassing moment away from declaring today worse than the day her parents kicked her out. Itâs entirely pathetic.
So pathetic, in fact, that she just starts laughing. She feels deranged. God, she must look deranged, sitting in the middle of a public fountain, hair sticking to her like a drowned rat, laughing like the Joker. This must be rock bottom.
Dan helps her out of the fountain, a smile still on his face, and they exchange socials. He promises the pictures look amazing, and will look even better once heâs finished editing everything. He says heâll send her a copy, and in the meantime she should keep an eye out for when the video goes up on his pages.
Tayce isnât exactly hopeful. She Ubers home (after three attempts), heads off to work in the afternoon, and as she processes five full-size bags of Primark returns, she decides that this day will forever comfortably take up the spot of second worst ever. A sad, dripping wet virgin, with a useless degree and a minimum wage job, an unsupportive family, a flat block filled with idiots, and an imminent need to do some actual food shopping.
-
âWell, well, look whoâs late again.â
Lawrence folds her arms across her chest like a disappointed school teacher, which mightâve been effective if it wasnât for Ellie beside her, head to toe in pink, mirroring her pose exactly. Aurora sticks her two fingers up at Lawrence and Tayce blows a raspberry, before pushing all the blame onto Aurora. It was her fault, after all, taking hours to get ready and then, ten minutes before they needed to leave, getting distracted kissing on the sofa and forgetting to call the Uber.
It makes sense for them to arrive everywhere together, both living in London and five minutes away from one another, but she canât help thinking about how they must look like a couple when they do this, arriving late to the pub and bickering about lateness. Opposite Ellie and Lawrence, all cosied up in their big winter coats, it feels a little bit like a double date.
If only that stupid unspoken line wasnât there, separating them.
Auroraâs still defending herself, â-time to look this good! And by the looks of things, you two mustâve been early!â
Lawrence howls with laughter, both offended and too impressed by the joke to not react to it. Tayce is glad theyâre all still friends, and whatâs more, sheâs glad nothingâs changed - theyâre all still a horrible bunch of gossips. Topics of conversation range from are we paying for a round of drinks each to okay whatâs the real reason Bims couldnât make it to speculation about everyone else from high school, whoâs pregnant yet, the relationships that will definitely fail. Itâs fun catching up; it feels like going home to her annoying sisters.
âDid you know that you could book the bloody Edinburgh dungeons for a hen party? Because I didnât until I got Tiaâs invitation,â Ellie frowns, her eyes wide. âSo instead of getting dressed up and wearing banners and being obnoxious around town, weâre gonna get the shit scared out of us by some fuckinâ actors! Can we at least get drunk before, you reckon?â
Lawrence blinks at her girlfriend, baffled. âThe dungeons arenât scary, hen.â
âSpeak for your fuckinâ self. Iâve been before.â Ellie sniffs, haughty.
The girls crack up at her, entirely serious. It is a bizarre choice, but itâs Tia and Veronica, after all. Theyâre as weird as they come. Tayce supposes youâd have to be to even think about getting engaged at twenty two.
Tayce laughs, her bad day last week still fresh in her mind, but distant enough to make a good story. âOh my god. You need to hear about this bloody cursed day I had the other week. Fucking unreal it was.â
She launches into the story, her friends roaring with laughter at each twist and turn, their sympathy non-existent. The inside of the pub is dark and old, lit with yellowing lights, and with the four of them clustered around their little table, it feels intimate and homely, like a family reunion. In a way, it is one. They donât do this often enough. Mid-story, Tayce makes a mental note that this has to become a regular thing, one way or another. By the end of her tragic tale, Aurora has fallen limp against Tayceâs shoulder, her laughter so forceful her entire body seems to have lost control of itself. Ellieâs wiping tears from her eyes, so overcome that she can barely produce a wheeze, while Lawrenceâs booming scream-laugh seems to do the job perfectly for all of them, attracting looks from others across the pub. Tayce loses it, too, wondering how she could possibly have felt so awful when thereâs so much love in her life. Thereâs so much to be thankful for. A family all around her that chose her above all else. Good food, good drinks, good companionship. Thereâs not much more she can ask for.
âWhatâs his name?â Ellie demands, typing in her phone at furious speeds, âI need to see this. I need to see a picture of you in a fountain, hen, itâs nothing personal but if itâs funny enough Iâm putting it on every birthday, Christmas, Easter and fucking⊠Hanukkah card that I send this year.â
Tayce rolls her eyes, but the smile betrays her. âIt was Dan⊠Dan something. I forget, check my following list. Heâll be in there.â
After a few moments, she gasps. âFOUND HIM! Okay, let me scroll. Iâm gonna find you. Whereâs our Taycety treat⊠where is sh- fucking hell look at the views on this one! Thereâs like 2.8 million!â She looks over at Tayce and shrugs. âSorry, hen, not interested in you anymore, Iâm watching the popular one.â
She turns her phone sideways so everyone can get a glimpse of the screen, showing off his Tiktok reposted to Instagram with some stupid sentimental music layered over it. Thereâs a few seconds of Dan in front of the camera, explaining what he does in the series, then a shot of an oddly familiar looking coffee shop.
The penny drops at the same time as everyone elseâs. Aurora clutches her arm so tight she thinks it might burst. Ellieâs jaw drops. Lawrence all but bellows âTAYCE!â at the top of her lungs, reaching new heights of loudness previously undiscovered but certainly not unwarranted. Almost three million people have viewed a video in which Tayce is the model, and the final shot - in the fountain, head tipped back in laughter, water cascading down around her - is breathtaking.
She might actually faint. Tayce grips Aurora back with the same intensity, grounding herself. Three million people. Thousands of comments.
Ellie skim-reads through them, her voice quivering with excitement. âEveryone says youâre gorgeous, true⊠Oh my god that one says youâre like Naomi Campbell⊠everyoneâs demanding you get signed to Pretty Little Thing or something like that. Fucking hell, Tayce!â
Thankfully, the pub is dimly-lit just enough to hide the blush starting to form on Tayceâs cheeks, the heat rushing to her head. This is insane. It doesnât feel real.
Aurora finally releases her from the iron grip, but only to crush her in the fiercest hug sheâs ever had. âGet your phone out right now, check your DMs. I bet theyâre flooded with offers youâve not noticed since youâve been working! I bet you could snag a brand deal from this! And get me a discount, of course.â
She pulls away and flutters her eyelashes. Sheâs so beautiful it hurts.
Her phone isnât exactly flooded, as Aurora jokingly predicts, but there is a pending message request that Tayce has obviously missed, not notified by the app and too busy traipsing backwards and forwards from Primark, desperately attempting to repair clothing displays that look as though a bomb has hit. At her silence, Lawrenceâs eyes bug open.
âFuck off, you actually have, havenât you? Go on, how many?â
Tayce canât breathe. âJust one.â
She hasnât even opened the message yet, her stomach filled with butterflies and feeling as though said butterflies were at a rave, off their faces on ket and ricocheting from one side to the other with reckless abandon.
The account is verified. The rational part of Tayceâs mind, growing smaller by the second, tells her this is a good thing, itâs not a scam, sheâs not likely to be duped into anything here. The remaining part, for all intents and purposes a screaming banshee of pure excitement, roams over the shiny blue tick, the millions of followers, the bio detailing information about the modelling agency.
International modelling agency with bases in London, Edinburgh, Paris, Milan and New York. Always welcoming new and diverse talent.
Ellie leans halfways across the table, tipsy and pleased as anything. âWhat does it say?! Come on, Iâm about to pass out here! Read it!â
âItâs nothing too exciting!â Tayce rushes to quell the rising excitement, hoping itâll curb her own too. She canât get too invested, things might not work out. âIt says Hi Tayce, we saw this video and weâre interested in getting in touch. Is there an email address at which we can contact you? Thanks.â
Aurora plants a kiss to her cheek, squealing. âBabe! Oh my god! Tell them yes, send them your email. Youâve already got your own designer, yours truly, and a makeup artist in little old Ells, and Lawrence can tell jokes and keep us all calm when you do your first Victoria Secret runway!â
Itâs hard not to get worked up when everyone around her is so certain sheâll succeed. Tayce feels unstoppable, the grin on her face unable to settle, just beaming gratitude into the world at a wattage that would burst every light bulb in the country. Auroraâs kissing her in front of friends. She has a chance to pursue modelling as a career. Her brain lists them in order of importance, and it feels like sheâs floating.
-
The in-between part involves a lot of emailing back and forth, phone calls, and meetings. Sometimes, leaving the offices with a giddy feeling in her stomach, Tayce feels as though every moment of suffering was worth it for this, a building block along the way helping her climb to the top without even realising. Here she is, out and still learning to be proud, in negotiations to sign a contract with a modelling agency, her life seemingly beginning out of nowhere.
Itâll only be small things at first, they tell her, but Tayce doesnât care. It might just be her face on the side of a pop-up display for makeup in Boots. Hell, that alone would make her feel like a celebrity. It could progress to online shopping sites, social media partnerships, sponsorships - the representatives promise her theyâll take good care of her, help her manage everything, help her rise up as far as she can go.
Tayce imagines herself on a billboard and cries. Itâs a pipe dream, but it doesnât feel as far away as it might have weeks before.
Sheâs even more excited to discover Auroraâs career taking off, too. Back in sixth form, Tayce had been the very first follower to Auroraâs fashion blog, liking and commenting on every post as she showcased the design process, from sketching to sewing to revealing the finishing touches of every beautiful garment. Their silly Christmas dresses seem so juvenile in comparison to the art pieces she creates now, fashion school in London clearly having taught her well, aiding her innate creativity. Sheâs so proud she could burst. Her numbers are huge, now, and sheâs been in similar talks with a fashion company over the past few weeks.
Tayce and Aurora are going to dominate the fashion world one day. She just knows it.
âAlways a pleasure to see you, Tayce my love. How are you today?â
Tayce smiles, bright and genuine, as she slips into her seat. âIâm great! Iâm super excited to finalise things. I canât believe itâs happening.â
Her representative, a bubbly bombshell called Kitty (Tayce assumes it must be short for something, but Kitty suits her far more than anything else would), is nothing but big grins and bold colours. Theyâve been working together ever since the first emails, and Tayce can tell theyâre going to be a formidable team once everything gets going. Kittyâs smart and strong-willed, a good head on her shoulders and a great eye for opportunity, and no tolerance for bullshit from or towards her potential clients. She couldnât be in safer hands, nor could she be fonder of this delightful woman.
âWell, believe it!â Kitty insists as the rest of the team file in, much more dull in their monochrome black and grey in comparison to her hot pink. âA few more faffy things to discuss, a couple of signatures, and we can get the ball rolling. Iâm expecting to see your face plastered on every Superdrug window in the country. Then Iâm thinking H&M, Victoria Secret, ooh, maybe Moschino? Could get you in Versace?â
One of the managers cuts her off, polite but realistic. âLetâs not get too far ahead of ourselves, Kitty. Thatâs the goal, but we havenât even signed the papers yet.â
Kitty blows a raspberry. âYouâre boring, Ella! Look at her! Sheâs bloody gorgeous! Everyoneâll be fighting over who gets her!â
âMaybe so, but if thatâs the case we need to get a move on and sort all the boring stuff as you call it, so we can sign her.â
The meetings are tedious, but Tayce remains as focused as she can, aware of how amazing this opportunity is. One viral video to change her entire life⊠she has to be smart about this. Everything is finally falling into place, and she canât let it go wrong now.
Around half an hour in, her phone buzzes. She silences it, letting it sit face-up in case itâs something important, and carries on listening. It keeps going, but she ignores it until curiosity gets the better of her.
Rory <3 [3.35pm]: URGENT. GOOD NEWS. CALL ME ASAP
Rory <3 - Missed call (2)
Good news is a relief - at least Aurora knows Tayce would sit panicking and floundering if she didnât specify. She knows she should wait until the meetingâs over and then call her, but Tayce has always been horrible at prioritising when it comes to Aurora.
âSo sorry,â She interrupts, putting on her best apologetic tone, playing up the Welsh in hopes theyâll find it charming, âThis is kinda important, do you mind? Iâll be five minutes, tops.â
Ella nods, always accommodating. âOf course! We were about to take a short break anyway, not to worry.â
âThank you!â
She all but runs outside, calling Aurora back and pressing the phone to her ear.
âWell?â She demands.
Aurora shrieks down the phone, practically bursting Tayceâs eardrum. âI got the job! Theyâre giving me the position!â
Tayce cheers her on, thrilled. Sheâs already planning the congratulations party theyâll have to throw for her, mentally scrolling through the nicest pubs in town and making a note to look up which ones have function rooms available for hire and how nice they are. With some luck, it could even be a joint party too, Tayce and Aurora together again. She canât wait.
âAnd get this!â Aurora adds, and Tayce can picture her, in full glamour from the chest up, in pyjamas from the waist down, just coming off another Skype call. âI get to go to Milan! Theyâve offered me the temporary position there!â
âOh my god, Rory!â Tayce squeals, beaming from ear to ear. âThatâs huge, congratulations! How long are you there for?â
âA year! I fly out in two days!â
A year without Aurora. A full year with her best friend in an entirely different country. Tayce and Aurora have never not been in the same city, let alone country. It doesnât make sense. Everything is supposed to be falling into place, not falling apart. It was all going so smoothly, the gears finally greased, all complications fixed, unsupportive families disregarded and loving friends held close and firm.
This is, without a doubt, the best possible outcome for Aurora. The opportunities for success are endless. But Tayce feels like sheâs gone from soaring to drowning in a split-second, feeling sick as she imagines the distance.
âYou are a star,â She says, as earnest as she is heartbroken. âYouâre gonna absolutely slay the fashion game over there, babe. Iâm so proud of you.â
And she means every word of it, of course, but thereâs so much more unsaid that she has no idea how to even begin saying. A whole year without her. But she canât be the one to ruin it. She canât hold Aurora down, not when sheâs so close.
The call ends, and Tayce returns to her meeting less sure of herself than ever before.
-
Auroraâs goodbye party is a rushed event, but a happy one for the most part. With the help of Lawrence, who promises free tickets to all the staff involved, they manage to book a function room in one of the nicer pubs in town for a last minute event and a hefty fee, and cram the place full of family and friends until the amount of love in the room is stifling. Most of the decor was snagged from around town, so thereâs a bizarre mix of cheap confetti, Ann Summers filth and Ellie Diamond handiwork filling up the space. Thereâs even an open bar, which Tayce is thankful for, because the buzz of alcohol is the only thing stopping her from crying.
She canât do this. She canât say goodbye to Aurora. Itâs just not fair.
Auroraâs parents capture her near the edge of the party, hugging her tight and kissing her forehead like sheâs their real daughter.
âIâm so proud of all three of our girls,â Auroraâs dad says, and Tayce bits her lip hard. She will not cry tonight.
âHave you heard from your parents, darling?â Her mum asks.
Tayce shakes her head. It seems as though that ship has sailed.
âHm. I bet theyâll come crawling back when youâre a huge success,â She says, scathing as anything. âJust remember you donât owe them anything. Itâll be entirely your choice whether you decide to let them back in or not. Youâre a brilliant girl, Tayce, donât let them make you forget.â
Then theyâre gone.
From across the room, Ellie catches her eye and approaches. In the nicest way possible, sheâs the worst possible person to have caught her - Ellieâs so sweet, so kind, and fucking psychic when it comes to knowing something is up. Tayce isnât ready to admit thereâs an issue, even as the pit of anxiety in her chest rears up like a tsunami wave, increasingly aware of the impending deadline.
Her eyes are gentle. âAlright?â
âHi, chick.â Tayce smiles. âWe did good on the short notice, eh?â
Ellie pulls a face. âI was up âtill three this morning making little fiddly bits hoping sheâd like it. To be fair, she looks happy as a pig in shit.â
Somewhat gross analogy aside, itâs true. In a room full of people, especially a party, Aurora just shines. Sheâs right in the centre, dancing with a mixture of high school and university friends, perfect teeth glinting as she laughs, cowl neck dress catching the light and sparkling attractively. Everything in the world is made purely for its impact on her, Tayce is sure. Every room is better with her in it.
âIâm going for a sneaky fag, you fancy one?â Ellie offers. Tayce isnât much of a smoker, but several drinks in and needing an escape, sheâs no stranger to taking the occasional social one. She nods and follows her outside, slightly less overwhelmed away from the throng of the party.
Leaning up against the brick outside, Tayce stares at the city around her. The orange street lights make her feel peculiar, a strange sort of nostalgia and bitterness warring in her stomach, neither quite able to win over the other. Nothing feels real out here, in the city at night, just black and orange and glinting from the rain. She exhales the smoke and wonders if this is going to be it forever, these streets, these lights. Aurora will spend a luxuriant year doing what she loves, working hard, and enjoying the beauty of northern Italy. Tayce will be here, smoking outside, her back against wet bricks, her shoes against wet tarmac.
Ellie doesnât speak for a while, letting them both smoke in peace, but Tayce can sense that she wants to.
âJust spit it out already.â
She blows a puff of smoke up into the night. âWhat are you doing? Just letting her go?â
âWhat am I supposed to do?â Tayce demands. âStop her? This is her dream come true and she deserves it. We could always visit, or Iâm sure sheâll visit us. Itâs only a year.â
Ellie rolls her eyes at the attempt to downplay it. âItâs a year. And what if she loves it and decides to stay? Then what?â
Tayce hasnât considered that. Aurora wouldnât stay, would she? Living in Italy forever?
âThen⊠Then, as her best friend, itâs my job to support her no matter what she chooses.â
Ellie frowns for a second. âYour best- so youâre not- Oh my god.â She sighs, leaning her head back and staring up at the sky. Thereâs no stars to look at, just clouds. âItâs even worse than I thought. Youâre in love with her and youâre just letting her go.â
Maybe Tayce will cry tonight.
âI- Ells, itâs not that simple.â
âItâs simple enough that you didnât deny it.â She stubs the cigarette out, crushing it beneath her heel. âAuroraâs about to fly to Milan tomorrow and spend a year working alongside designers and models. Gorgeous Italian men and women everywhere she turns. And they wonât hesitate to tell her how they feel if something comes up between them. Then what? You stay here? Wonder what couldâve been for the rest of your life?â
Tayce turns away, but itâs not like Ellie hasnât already seen her tears. She envelopes her in a hug, rubbing her back and murmuring into her shoulder as softly as she can.
âYou make it sound like Iâll never love anyone else.â
âI donât mean that,â Ellie promises. âYouâre a gorgeous girl, anyone would be lucky to have you. You definitely could fall for someone else. But you and Aurora- god, youâve been dancing around each other for years and itâs never happened. Even worse than me and Loz. I thought you two were just being coy and eventually youâd admit it, but-â
âSo how did you do it?â Tayce butts in, dabbing at her tears with her ring fingers, trying to preserve the makeup so she doesnât look like a complete idiot when she goes back inside. âHow did you and Lawrence get past it?â
Ellieâs smile is a lot of things - wistful, reminiscent, melancholy. She looks as though sheâs watching a tragedy play out, already knowing how itâll end, and still wishing she could change the outcome. Tayce hates it, resents her kindness, but loves her friend too much to ever say it. Sheâs sure it only hurts because itâs true.
âBecause she fought for me, hen. Because I thought she didnât care, so I ran, and she chased after me before I could get away and told me the truth. She made me miss my train back to Manchester by telling me that she loved me, and everything else was just a stupid mistake.â Ellie squeezes her hand, her eyes doe-like and sad. âTayce, Auroraâs not going on a train to Manchester. Sheâs flying out to Milan for a year. Iâm not saying you should stop her, but youâve got to do something.â
Tayce sniffs. If Ellie keeps looking at her like that, sheâs going to break in two.
âI donât know what to do.â
âYou do. Itâs in there.â Ellie swears. âIâm going back inside, come with when youâre ready, okay?â
Time passes differently, standing outside, staring at the sky. She catches a glimpse of the moon, briefly, before it disappears behind another cloud. She feels the wind chill against her exposed skin, and longs for the warmth of another cigarette and Aurora against her lips. Her legs tremble and shake, her stomach churns, her heart aches. She goes back inside. The easiest thing is to not think about it, to drink some more, to dance. She can just enjoy this while itâs happening, and deal with the rest later.
Fucking Lawrence Chaney and her grand declarations of love. Who wouldâve pegged her as the type? The standards she sets are unfairly high.
Right after a classic dance floor full of Saturday Night, the music fades to nothing and Aurora steps on stage. Sheâs radiant, the happiness emanating from every tiny piece of her. Tayceâs heart hurts so much.
âAlright, sorry, I wonât take up much time!â She starts, her accent endearingly thick in the microphoneâs buzz. âI just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone supporting me tonight, and a big shoutout to my favourite people in the entire world, Tayce, Lawrence, Ellie and Bimini for making this happen! Come up, come up!â
She wobbles her way up the stairs, determined not to cry again, and finds herself immediately squished in the worldâs tightest hug, Aurora pressing their cheeks together and screwing up her face. It feels slightly wet - sheâs crying, Tayce realises. Theyâre both crying, clinging onto one another for dear life. The world is both ending and beginning, a separation forming between them like a rift in the earth, crumbling and cracking. Theyâre moving from Tayce and Aurora to Tayce, and Aurora, individuals instead of a collective.
Tayce feels sick.
âTHANK YOU, EVERYONE!â Aurora bellows, laughing at herself for crying. âI have to go, make sure I sleep before my flight tomorrow, but donât stop on my account! I want you lot dancing all night long! Bye bye, I love you!â
Sheâs gone so fast. Itâs all happening so fast.
Tayce gets another drink and smiles at everyone who looks at her. This is a happy night, she tells herself sternly. She dances with Bimini and catches up with Tia and pushes down the rising anxiety in her chest with more booze, silences the voice in her head reminding her that time is running out. Nothing works. Nothing helps.
She makes a rash decision. She calls Kitty.
âYes, Iâm sure. Thank you.â
Then she calls an Uber. She organised this party, but sheâs sure as hell not staying. Not anymore. Sheâs drunk and everything feels bad and itâs now, literally now, or never. Ellieâs right. It canât be never. She canât let it be never.
Her feet carry her the rest of the way, somehow still steady in her heels, and she doesnât even realise sheâs running until the front door is inches from her face. Fucking hell. What is she even going to say? What is she doing? Other than pounding on the door with her fist, probably waking up the neighbours in the other flats, what is she doing?
âWho the pissinâ he- Tayce? What are you doing here? Are you okay?â
From the door, all Tayce can see are her suitcases, already packed up and in the living room, waiting. Itâs unbearable.
âNo,â She answers honestly, and when the tears come, she lets them. âAuroraâŠâ
âTayce.â
âI love you. Iâm in love with you. I just- I canât just stand here and let you go without telling you that.â
Fuck Lawrence Chaney and her romantic gestures. This is it. This will have to be enough.
Thereâs an agonising silence. Sheâs only gone and done it. Sheâs ruined everything. The friendship in tatters, irreparable, a dynamic thatâll never be quite the same. And then-
Auroraâs hands are in her hair, grasping, holding her in place as close as she can possibly be, kissing her ferociously. Tayce responds with equal enthusiasm, managing to steer them both inside and shut the door, their heads pressing together so tightly she imagines their skulls cracking, everything merging into one. Maybe then thatâll be enough, maybe thatâll be close enough to satisfy this burning urge. Miles and miles across the sea is too much, even the mere centimetres of space between their lips as they try to catch their breath is too much. Tayce will only ever be satisfied like this, wrapped up in nothing but Aurora, breathing her, needing her.
âYou have the worst fucking timing ever,â Aurora tells her, her voice shaking, their foreheads still close enough they could split in half from the pressure. âIâve loved you for so long. But the distance-â
âFuck the distance,â Tayce breathes, adrenaline coursing through her veins at rapid speed. âThe agency has a base in Milan. I can switch, spend a year there. The contract is six months, but Iâm sure I can renew it, or find other work, or come home and meet you after, we can find a w-â
And theyâre kissing again, and itâs so typically Aurora to not let anyone else finish a fucking sentence. But itâs okay. Anything Tayce has to say will never be as urgent as Aurora kissing her. She needs it more than oxygen. Her lips are soft and she tastes like wine and salt from the tears and the odd sweetness of her lipgloss and itâs all perfect, so perfect, so Aurora.
âYouâre coming with me? You can come with me?â
âIâll book the flight right now.â
Aurora looks at her like sheâs insane, but sheâs grinning, teary-eyed, adoring. âWhat about your luggage?â
âIâll buy new stuff when weâre there. All I need is the papers, we can grab them on the way to the airport.â
âI love you. I genuinely just⊠love you.â
-
Milan is busy, beautiful, breathtaking. Most days Aurora is up at the crack of dawn, rushing out to shadow other designers, presenting sketches in rooms full of people, learning the tricks of the trade, testing the limits of her seemingly unending fashion talent. Tayce is backwards and forwards all day long, from the agency to the fittings to the studio, again and again and again. It feels like a dream, the gorgeous Italian sunshine, the famous city around them, the view from the balcony in their little apartment. Itâs not glamorous, but itâs home, and itâs Tayce and Aurora, together, like it was always meant to be.
When Tayce gets home, Auroraâs in the kitchen, attempting to roll out some dough. Since their arrival, sheâs been determined to figure out how to make proper pasta, the way the Italians do it, though all of her attempts so far have been inedible, ranging from just slightly off to inexplicably, what looks and smells like a pile of burnt custard.
âUh oh. Whatâs that look?â She asks, suspicious immediately.
Tayce shrugs. âWhat look? I donât have a look.â
âYouâre a terrible liar. Spill.â
âOkay, fine! I have amazing news. Like, the best news ever. They say good things come in threes, and I have three, so-â
âStop teasing!â Aurora flicks a glob of flour at her, although most of it lands on herself, where sheâs already covered. âTell me already!â
Tayce is practically vibrating. âOne: I renewed my contract, Iâm here for another six months so you donât have to spend the other half of the year alone.â
Aurora gasps, moving to clap in excitement, but Tayce stops her.
âWait! Not done yet. Two: I signed on to a cover shoot with a pretty big magazine that you might have heard ofâŠâ She adds slyly, showing Aurora a picture and grinning as her jaw drops, âand three: I recommended this up-and-coming young designer to them and theyâre more than happy to see what sheâs got.â
The rolling pin clatters to the floor.
âYou didnât.â
âI think youâll find I did, babes.â
âAbsolutely fuck off.â
âCheck your emails.â
Aurora does. After a few moments of silence, she looks at the abandoned pile of dough on the kitchen counter.
âSince weâre celebrating, should I sack this off and just cook normal pasta for once?â
Tayce beams, her heart swelling. God, itâs stupid good.
âNo. Letâs make it together.â
-
âHow did you know she was the one?â
Asking Lawrence feels right, but even as she does, she knows it is. She thinks of Aurora, and everything theyâve been through, and the thought of life without her isnât even an option. Loving her is the most natural thing in the world.
She thinks of the loud, confident girl who became her best friend on the first day of school. She thinks of the ups and downs, the fights, the sleepovers, the laughs. She thinks of the girl who defended her, who took her in when her family were too disgusted by her sexuality to try loving their daughter unconditionally. She thinks of running off to Milan for a year with the love of her life. She thinks of trying to reconnect with her parents, and the girl who squeezed her hand the entire time, who cursed them out as they left early. She thinks of everything theyâve done, to each other, for each other, with each other.
âHen, thereâs not a moment I could tell you. Itâs just a feeling, youâll know. I think you know, but you wanna know if I knew the same way you know.â Lawrence tells her. Itâs sage advice, and sheâs right.
She thinks of poor Ellie, sick but doing better, and the stress Lawrence has been through.
âThe thought of doing what youâre doing - I feel like I couldnât, but then I know that if it came to it I absolutely could.â
Lawrence nods. âRight. When you have to, you just do. You donât think about it. Babes, when youâre ready, just do it. You donât need me to tell you how you feel. The fact that youâre asking is enough.â
Fucking Lawrence Chaney. Sheâs right. Sheâs always right.
The ring rests safely in her pocket. Tonightâs the night.
A/N - I feel like a broken record but it must be said, I feel like I exclusively write for Ortega at this point and I am not mad at it, I love her more than I love myself. Here is a short little Taywhora for my favourite scottish queen <3
The night - er, morning - was a disaster.
To be honest, Tayce had seen it coming from a mile off, and she had warned Lawrence that inviting both AâWhora and Tia was going to be an absolute shitstorm. They just plain didnât like each other, which was fine, but AâWhora had trouble holding her sharp tongue at the best of times, and mixing in a bucket-load of alcohol and a pretty cramped house, and you had a recipe for chaos.
(And, really? A house party? Were they still seventeen?)
Nevertheless, it was Lawrenceâs birthday, and she called the shots, and she drank the shots, and she got to choose who came to her house to get unreasonably pissed into the wee hours of the morning.
Tia was there pretty early - or, at least, she was on time like most of them. She was stood in the kitchen with a Smirnoff Ice in her hand, happily chatting away to Ellie, wearing a dress that Tayce had complimented, if only to make some brief conversation. It was⊠passable, really, a half-decent outfit if she went that far, but nothing to write home about. Unfortunately, Tayce knew AâWhora was gonna hate it, and AâWhora with a loose tongue was almost certainly gonna make a comment about it.
The girl in question rocked up late and sloppy, as per her usual style. She stumbled through the front door and leant in the frame with a tipsy smile, plush lips painted pink and dabbed with glitter, eyelashes fluttering. Her skin-tight dress was fuchsia, bright, emphasising her soft tan thighs that the fabric rode up against and clinging to every inch of her. Once neat, her dark hair was messily piled on top of her head, falling tantalisingly in front of her face.
Tayce couldnât help but feel relieved that sheâd decided to come.
âThe party can finally start!â AâWhora exclaimed, raising her drink in the air with a flourish and slamming the door behind her with her heel.
âIt already started, ya lazy fuck!â Lawrence yelled from the back of the house. Tayce, standing at the bottom of the stairs and looking onto the front door, made eye contact with AâWhora and giggled at their friend.
âIsnât she charming?â Tayce gestured towards the general vicinity of Lawrenceâs voice.
AâWhora crept closer, her eyes wide and expectant. âOkay, listen. I saw Tiaâs snapchat earlier. Tell me she got changed before coming out tonight.â
Here we go. Tayce bit her lip. âAurora. AâWhora Borealis. You be nice.â
âIâm not trying to be rude or anything but she looks like a fucking Year Nine at her first party wearing a Pretty Little Thing dress that her mum chose for her. I mean, is she serious about it? Is it like a joke?â AâWhora covered her mouth with the side of her hand, her tone conspiratory and judgemental.Â
Tayce rolled her eyes, both fond and irritated. âWhory, be nice. She clearly likes it, let her have fun. Sheâs not hurting anybody.â
âSheâs hurting my eyes.â AâWhora rebuffed, pursing her lips. âNot like you, though. Youâre a sight for sore eyes tonight.â
Internally she was pleased, but played it off smoothly. It wasnât like Tayce had cleverly thought out her oversized blazer and thigh-high boots combo with AâWhora in mind, of course not. It wasnât like sheâd tailored her outfit hoping for a good response from her⊠friend? What even was AâWhora besides a hot girl sheâd known forever who she spent 50% of her time blatantly flirting back and forth with and 50% of her time denying that she was doing it?
Lawrence burst through the corridor in a flourish of colour to greet AâWhora and groaned, fanning herself with her hand. âFuck me, I am sweating.â
Tayce blinked. âItâs October. Thereâs no way youâre hot, in October, in Scotland.â
âNot from the heat, fuckinâ braindead supermodel. From the weight of the crushing sexual tension in this room.â
She looked pointedly between AâWhora and Tayce, neither of whom were particularly shocked by Lawrenceâs openness, having grown used to it. However, in an embarrassingly same wavelength move, both girls cocked an eyebrow.
âAye, Iâm talking about you, pinchinâ your Botox lips at me Miss AâWhora the Explorer.â
AâWhora shook her head. âThe cheek! Cheek of you to suggest that somethingâs going on here.â
âNot sure where youâre getting your sources from, but Iâd consider leaving The Sunâs team out of your investigations,â Tayce added, AâWhora trying and failing to conceal her smile as Lawrence playfully whacked her arm.
âGet to fuck with those accusations. You carry on living out your little Gavin and Stacey storyline and Iâll go ask the Pope if heâs still shitting in the woods or if bears are still Catholic. Have fun ya fucking lesbians.â
As she disappeared back into the living room, where Bimini had started blasting something with a heavy, pulsing beat, AâWhora turned back to Tayce with an offended look on her face.
âDid that William Wallace wannabe just imply that Iâd be the man in the relationship just because Iâm English?â She asked, reeling backwards. âFucking cheek!â
Tayce laughed. âWell, you donât have legs like mineâŠâ She trailed off, predicting AâWhoraâs outburst.
âHey! Listen, weâd be a great Naomi and Kim, so shut your beautiful face and stop seducing me with that gorgeous accent.â She paused for a second, thinking, and then blinked. âI mean Naomi Campbell and Kim Kardashian, I realise that sounded like something differentâŠâ
Tayce looped her arm through AâWhoraâs and started trudging down the hallway, making their way into the living room with most of the others. âI love that you think youâre anything like a Kardashian, babe. The Kylie lips maybe, but youâre no Kim.â
As the music grew louder and louder in their eyes, Bimini wrapping a drunk sweaty arm around them both and bellowing something inaudible, Tayce leaned in close to AâWhoraâs ear and added, âIâd much prefer what youâve got to what Kimâs got.â
That was the game; cat and mouse, a game of chase and coy avoidance. After that, she slipped away to dance with Asttina, sipping on her drink and trying to hide her eagerness. The next move was AâWhoraâs, as they both knew, and she could play it whenever she wanted.
It was after maybe another hour of drinking and gushing with her friends about how beautiful everyone looked and how drunk they all felt that Tayce realised the atmosphere in Lawrenceâs living room was a little too kind. Nothing wrong with that, of course, and a house full of drunk girls was basically the club bathroom scenario elevated to an extreme level, but a kind atmosphere meant that AâWhora had clearly gone into another room. Not good.
Making to find her, Tayce got all the way to the doorway before Ellie and Lawrence stopped her to chat about whether or not it would be stupid to play spin the bottle (it would) and whether or not they should all do some more shots (they did). Then I Wanna Dance With Somebody started playing, and by the first âWoo!â, sheâd totally forgotten about her earlier mission, and ran back inside screaming and grabbing at Asttina to dance with her.Â
She had to give Lawrence some credit, because her playlist was incredible. Nothing but banger after banger after banger.
About half way through Good As Hell, Tayce became aware of what sounded like shouting, underwater and garbled and messy. Though she carried on grinding against Asttina and singing along to Lizzoâs affirmations, her head checked out a little as she tried to focus on the background voices over the blaring music. It proved to be quite the struggle, being as drunk as she was, but as it turned out, she didnât need to pay too much attention, as she wasnât the only one that had noticed.
By the time Tia was standing outraged in the living room doorway, all eyes were on her. She looked furious, cheeks red and eyes spilling over, her fists clenched and trembling.
Lawrence quietened the music.
âSo, were you gonna tell me that you all think I look like shit or did you nominate AâWhora to be the nasty cunt she usually is?â She looked down at her dress, back up, and choked back a sob. âFuck off, the lot of you.â
Immediately, half the room started to follow her with choruses of love, their words getting tangled in a web of youâre beautiful and she doesnât speak for us and AâWhoraâs just a bitch and I like it!Â
The living room felt significantly emptier with just Lawrence, Ellie and Tayce in it, the three of them frozen staring at the doorway like they couldnât believe it had finally kicked off. After a few moments, The 1975 now playing at an awkwardly low volume, AâWhora passed the living room, peered inside with brimming eyes, and broke into a run.Â
Tayce followed her on instinct, leaving Lawrence and Ellie behind. Her heart sank as she rushed through the house; one part of her took in the group of girls gathered in the kitchen, their arms hooked over a crying Tia, their tongues slicing away at AâWhoraâs character with every dirty look that they sent in the direction of the now wide-open front door.Â
As bad as she felt for Tia, no one was going after AâWhora. And maybe that made sense, but Tayce had never cared too much about making sense - not when it came to her.Â
Luckily, she didnât have to go too far. A little way down Lawrenceâs street, a familiar figure was sitting crumpled over on the curb, her face hidden in her hands, head leaning against the lamppost under which she was illuminated. Like an angel, Tayce thought. Like a sad, stupid angel.Â
âWhory. What did you do, babe? I wanna hear it from you.â
AâWhora looked up. Flecks of black mascara stained around her eyes, the shadows beginning to smudge into the eyeliner from her tears, and her lip trembled. She lowered her head, prompting Tayce to sit down on the curb next to her, legs stretched out into the empty road.Â
âI told her the dress was fucking ugly, because someoneâs gotta do it. I was just trying to help but I know that was an asshole thing to say and I shouldâve just kept my mouth shut.âÂ
Tayce blinked. She hadnât expected the remorseful part of AâWhoraâs answer, if she was being honest. She usually never gave in, never admitted defeat, proudly shrugged off any offence caused while Tayce tried to interject some kindness into her. It never worked, which sheâd always found frustrating, but now it was unsettling that it had.Â
âI mean, Iâm right. She looks like the embodiment of the fucking kidâs section of a TK Maxx.â
Tayce kissed the side of her head, AâWhora responding by resting it on Tayceâs shoulder. âI thought she was the Year Nine girl in her mumâs choice of Pretty Little Thing dresses?â She teased gently. To her relief and simultaneous heartbreak, it received a short, wet laugh.Â
âI didnât expect her to - to rip into me like that. Like she did.âÂ
âWhat happened?â
âShe stood up for herself. Which is good, right?â AâWhora sniffed. âShe told me Iâm a vapid self-absorbed little bitch, and that she can change her shitty fashion sense while Iâll be stuck with my fake face and dog shit personality for the rest of my life. And that at least our friends like her, âcause they barely tolerate me.â
Tayce squeezed her eyes shut and hugged her tighter. âYou gotta understand sheâs coming from a place of hurt, darling. I know you know this, but you have been pretty mean to her in the past.â
AâWhora nodded weakly, throwing up a peace sign. âKarma,â She sang, the humour in it betrayed by her wobbly voice. âI deserved it, but⊠I didnât realise it would hurt this much. Especially because sheâs right.â
âSheâs not right,â Tayce cut in immediately, a little surprised by her own fierce defensiveness. âShe was just angry and upset.â
A moment of silence fell as AâWhora lapsed into thought, her face still smushed into Tayceâs shoulder. She scuffed her shoes into the stones gathered at the edge of the curb, kicking them into the road and scraping her heels into the gritty dirt. As cold as the night was, Tayce could hardly feel it with AâWhora so close.
She laughed bitterly. âTay, look at us. Do you see any of our other friends out here? No, theyâre all telling Tia how much they love her. Because they do. And Iâm the nasty fucking bully that wonât go away so they just put up with me until I give them a reason to talk shit.â
âThatâs not true, Whory. Sure, we gotta work on controlling that lip of yours, but the girls still love you.â Tayce paused, and then peppered a few more kisses to the top of her head. âYou may be a bitch, but youâre my bitch.â
âKinky,â AâWhora giggled, softening into her side. âYou still like me?â
âI always like you.â Tayce whispered.Â
Above them, the orange street lamp flickered and turned off, casting them into darkness. A crescent moon shone just above them, partially covered by clouds, and the night was quiet. Tayce leaned back, pulling AâWhora with her, until both girls were laying down, half on the pavement and half into the road, their arms around one another and heads facing the sky. A lifetime or even a minute couldâve passed as they just watched the stars, endlessly fascinated by the tiny pinpricks of light, but when Tayce turned her head, it struck her that AâWhoraâs eyes sparkled better than any night sky sheâd ever seen.
âI should apologise to Tia.â AâWhora murmured.
âTomorrow.â Their voices were barely above a whisper, something unspoken and sacred about maintaining the tranquility of the silent night. âGive her time to cool off.â
âAnd you promise you still like me?â
Her eyes were wide, hopeful. Their faces were so close it was no effort at all. It never was.Â
Not with her.
The night - er, morning -Â was a disaster, but AâWhoraâs lips tasted like cherry gloss and her touch was soft and gentle, and maybe things didnât always end badly. Maybe it would be okay as long as Tayce had AâWhora and AâWhora had Tayce.Â