On todayās episode of āWhatās L-v3r thinking about?ā *repost
Please take all of what youāre about to read with a grain of salt.
TW/CW : Self harm, Suicide, Mental Illness, CSA, Slurs, Gore / Gore films, Lying Compulsive/Pathological Ā
Let the chaos consume you. This is everywhere, donāt expect specifics.Ā
Letās start with the intrusive thoughts.
Ā I genuinely donāt know whether I have a mental illness like a pure type of OCD or if Iām just a bad person. Sometimes, my brain gives me random thoughts likeĀ
āWhat if you were attracted to children?ā Ā
āDoesnāt this animal in heat turn you on?ā
Ā āSay this racial slur, who cares?āĀ
āDo this offensive thing, itās not like there will ever be consequences.āĀ
Ā But letās not mention the fact that I care for only a few people in my life and if the rest of you were to disappear, I wouldnāt really care/mind. Iām indifferent to the idea of loss, and if you were to tell me you wanted to kill yourself, god Iād say do it.Ā
Ā Iāve beenĀ only cutting myself out of boredom, but lately itās out of pure hatred for my life; any physical pain is better than the shit that Iām feeling mentally. I think the idea of getting the shit beaten out of me would be romantic, if not, then at the very least I think I would enjoy it.
Ā My brain goes to lengths as of to think about raping my friends (Iām aegosexual/questioning whether Iām ace spec), touching them, ruining them. I like the idea of making someone feel like shit. I could never bring myself to actually do it, but the thought runs through my mind all the time; especially around my more innocent friends, my ace friends. I hate myself for that. I donāt *want* to do these things, but my brain is tricking me into thinking I want it. Please donāt think that I ever wanna do these things. When I say *I* want, I mean my brain wants. I donāt want. I want this to fucking end. Iām tired of it, it hurts.Ā
But, at the same timeĀ I want to put someone through such big trauma, and I donāt know whether thatās mental illness or just-- the way that I think. I genuinely liked watching August Underground, even though some of it was a little too much for me. I literally take my ex-abusers/best friends (I canāt even say that he abused me, I just donāt know whatās true anymore. Maybe I was sick, maybe he was. Maybe we were. It was so long ago.) I take hisĀ personality and turn it into my own, with itās own little twists and turns. Somehow heās still better than me; he finally got away from me and I wanna grip him and tell him to stay. I wanna sink my teeth into the guy and watch him bleed from how unhappy he is around me, especially because he knows of everything Iāve ever lied about. But he says that heās the same. But heās trying to improve. Heās trying, and Iām not. I just mask this, and I let it boil and boil until I breakdown and write shit like this.
I know him and now he knows me. Thereās no beating around the bush, thereās no escaping that now he knows how terrible I really am. I never claimed to be good. Thereās euphoria out of feeling like this I think, thinking Iām better than everyone who isnāt like this. I must know more to be able to feel these ways, might as well use it to my advantage. I either feel like shit about this 24/7 or I feel like Iām god.Ā
Ā I feel like if I were to ever openly tell this to anyone, theyād look at me like I was wrong. But, honestly, I feel like this side of me is different from the one I show at school. At school Iām this PC kid who hates hearing the words āfaggotā or āretardedā even though I would probably still say that type of shit if I werenāt this performative activist to other people simply because I donāt think I could ever stomach confrontation like that. And not to mention the fact that Iām such a big fucking liar. I lie about shit that you shouldnāt lie about like being raped, being abused... But, then I complain when others do it (cut back to where I said that at school Iām this PC kid). But, why do I do it? I have no fucking clue. I donāt gain validation, I donāt really gain ANYTHING unless itās online. Then, I do gain validation. But, I feel like Iāve gotten better with these big, absurd lies. I have gone through trauma, and Iāve stopped lying about it to make it bigger. Cue the applause.Ā Itās the smaller, stupid-er shit that just pops out that I canāt seem to control. I dunno. I hate to believe that this is really me. I feel like this is just a side of me that sometimes bleeds and shows. I donāt want this to be the real me because I know that itās wrong. I want to figure out whatās wrong with me. I really do. But thereās no escape to how I feel;; my brain is too roomy and too filled with air to figure out why Iām like this. To call me a good person because I know the shit that I think is bad would be blatant lie, a call for help on your side.Ā
I donāt know what I am, if Iām a product of my environment or if Iām just a product of waste. I feel absolutely nothing besides apathy for people who think that Iām disgusting, and feel indifferent to those like me. Tell me the worst thing youāve done and Iāll applaud, even congratulate you. I donāt care whether I trigger people, but at the same time I want to make sure you feel safe around me. I donāt want to hurt you but at the same time Iād pay just to step on your neck.Ā
Yes this is all the intrusive thoughts, but somedays I think theyāre apart of me. I think that if I break, or if I get so close to the edge, my hands will truly tear deep into someoneās skin, and that scares me. It scares us all.Ā
Ā But anyway, I canāt tell if all of those things are deep-rooted in trauma (like being very sexually active [with myself] at a very young age/knowing what sex was at a very young age/having sex at a very young age , being groomed online , looking to be groomed online , needing male validation at a young age , watching porn at a young age , and probably more smh) or if Iām just a bad person in general.Ā
Telling me Iām a bad person wonāt hurt me or do anything to make me change, Iāve been told that my whole life and see where we are?Ā











