#pumpingpost

I've been writing & not posting because so much of what comes out resembles anecdotes from self-deprecating funny mommy blogs & while they have their place I'm more interested in what gives rise to those as a particular kind of artifact of institutionalized motherhood than in creating my own personal iteration of it. 

I mean, who needs to hear about another unshowered mother? 

 But isn't that the root of the problem? That I'm ANOTHER unshowered mother & the solution that is handed to me is "take a shower" 

"take a yoga class" 

 Individual "solutions" to an issue that is structural & political... 

 That mothering is difficult & no one cares because this is allegedly merely personal, or anecdotal... 

 An individual problem to be solved by an individual. 

 * 

 I looked at my bookshelf the other day & couldn't find any books that dealt with early motherhood, which was all I wanted to read about. Luckily (or not so luckily in moments in which I fear I've missed the boat) writing about this has become fashionable of late so I read Rivka Galchen's Little Labors & Maggie Nelson's The Argonauts & felt deeply recognized re: the difficulty of writing while being mom & the ambivalence of motherhood (i.e. wanting it both ways). 

& I felt, for a second, like maybe small thoughts, unprecious posts while pumping could be valuable. 

 * 

 When my friends G & T were in town & I told them I was working on essays, G mentioned that Maggie Nelson made all the poets think they could write essays, or at least that was the gist. 

The problem of writing poems is that I feel like I have to edit out my pure line of thinking which is what I like about blogging, about prose, there's more room for the inexpressible to sneak in for me because I'm less worried about how it sounds because it's all pure headmusic. 

But my bump pic poems & "Peak Mom," the one I'm trying to write right now, feel so limited because they're trying to sound like poems... 

But I also dislike narrative because it's limited, it's another kind of fake frame that limits possibilities. 

(Maggie Nelson writes about this, too. The Argonauts destroyed me because it has so many elements of everything I’ve ever wanted to write but didn’t have the discipline to.) 

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I think I'm skeptical of writing humorous Mom blog content both because I want to consider myself above it & because it's not how motherhood has been for me. Probably because I've always had at least a couple Maggie Nelson-like examples who have shown me that I can "have it both ways.” 

& I do have plenty of moments where I feel like I “have it all,” at least in the sense that this is the happiest I’ve ever been. I may not shower on the regular, but I love my baby & love my job & love being able to read & write while pumping. I love that my dishes are usually done. I love narrating the bone broth making process to Theo every weekend & that his memories will be this & protesting & listening to Democracy Now! in the car.  

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I think looking at mothers as mothers instead of as a collection of individual mothers with private, unserious concerns is going to become so much more important under Trump. Especially with reproductive rights on the line as they are. I like to think that mothers writing about motherhood seriously & wholeheartedly is part of this.