#pudvice

There's one really salient piece of advice in this post. For your sake we're going to get it out of the way earlier. Do have internet crushes.

Seriously. Do it. Do it lots.

They're harmless and they're probably the best crush you're ever going to have. You can take those pictures of that thing you like they post, weave a personality around it, and have a perfectly satisfying adult relationship in your head. It's incredible.

There's no fighting, the sex is great (well it's technically not sex, but neither is what you do when there IS another person there) and their family adore you. You can see them at their absolute best all the time. After all, they put great care into making sure that twenty-second attempt at today's selfie is just right. Even better you can bait them into internet-crushing you back. We all know that we're at our most charming when our witty, off-the-cuff remarks are heavily researched, run through multiple drafts and tested in emails to close friends first. 

Don't ruin your internet crush by taking it to the IRL level. Disaster. You know all those pictures they post of things you like? Their ex got them into all that shit. The ex they're still friends with. While nothing is going on between them in real life, in your head they're slamming their parts together like the cymbals in a high-school concert ensemble. You're going to realise that, like any normal human being, they're not stunning from any angle. The sex is like two mannequins bouncing around in the back of a moving truck and their older sibling sees right through you.

Introducing the highest metric of honouring any given joke's success: the Gossleplause.

Example given: "Einstein masturbating is a stroke of genius."

Stop wearing comfortable clothes in public. Grown ups are never comfortable.

Learn what it means when the NZX drops 30 points.

Challenge the political views of your parents (but only if they’re left leaning, right?).

Channel some Konami Code confidence. ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A Man.

In the wake of any Definition of Marriage Act passing, don’t ruin the moment by acting like a smug idiot.

Stop using ‘literally’ wrong.

Use less similes and more metaphors.

Learn to tie a tie. If you’re a boy or a girl.

Start realising that ‘picking up women’ has nothing to do with your upper body strength.

Do not be enticed by KFC or PIzza Hut’s gimmick food. Edible memes are not sustenance.

Use less nicknames for people. Sure, ‘Gossles’ takes all of the intimidation out of him, but he’s still Ryan Gosling, not a baby kitten.

Don’t tell your kids how you met their mother. It’s unbecoming to break down your sexcapades to your children.

Learn the difference between 'flirting at the bar' and 'trapping someone in a corner'.

Change your sheets. Like, right now.

Get a handle on your finances. And that doesn't mean buy a briefcase.

You tried your hardest, but you’re just not a grown up. You decided to follow your dreams, but your dreams don’t pay well. You said it was just going to be for a few weeks. Just until you get back up on your feet. Maybe you moved home just before you went travelling, saying to yourself “After my OE I’ll move right out and get that job I know I can get”.

Grow up. No wonder you’re living back with your folks. You’re clearly still an idiot.

Luckily, your parents don’t know how much of an idiot you are. They’re naturally programmed to want to look after you and love you. Plus they don’t know how much of a creep you are at bars, how much you hit on your friends girlfriends/boyfriends, how many drugs you’ve been taking and they don’t know about that STI that you still (stupidly) haven’t got checked out. Good news – it’s not herpes. Bad news – it’s all the other ones.

Now you’re back at home. You’ve already lived out of home, so you know what freedom is. You long for it once again. But when you live in their house, you follow their rules. That’s not just a cliché. It’s a fact of life. If you were living with me, you’d follow my rules too. But you’re not, because I’m one of the friends you’ve pissed off when you’ve been skeeving off my booze, my smokes and my generosity.

Just kidding, I’d never do that. I’d never give you shit. I know how much of a fucktard you are. But that’s my point - your parents don’t.

Unfortunately you’re not grown up enough to realise that perhaps you shouldn’t take advantage of that fact. You’re going to steal the small change you see floating around the house. You’re going to go up and “get the milk”, but you’re also going to keep the change. You’re going to bitch and moan that your parents are telling you that you need to do something with your life and that your dreams might have to go on hold. You tell them that you’re an artist/writer and that you won’t sell out. Here’s a question: When was the last time you wrote something? Was it when you thought of a good idea, put a note in your iPhone (which your parents bought you) and then completely forgot about? Sound familiar?

You’re young. You’re under 25, probably. It’s okay to be back with your folks. What they don’t understand is that it’s not actually all that easy to go and get a job, even at a cafe. What you should be doing is volunteering. You love puppies and kittens? Go work at the SPCA. Oh, that’s too far away? Okay, how about you go volunteer at a radio station. They’re full up, not taking any more vollies? Maybe try asking them again next week. Show how you actually want to do that sort of thing. Oh, turns out you don’t? Maybe go work on a student film set for free. Network and learn about things. Oh, you don’t like working collaboratively? Here’s what I’ve got from you:

·         You like puppies and kittens as long as they’re on the internet and you can play with them but not actually help them / you’re selfish

·         You want to work in radio because you’re really “into music” except you’re not willing to put the hard yards in / you’re lazy

·         Your dreams of working on a film will never come to fruition because you say that you don’t like working with others who don’t know what they’re doing and don’t take your constructive ideas to heart / you just realised you don’t know a thing about film

Thank God you’ve moved back in with your parents. You’ve got a lot of growing up to do, young man/lady.

But it’s not all bad. Home cooked meals are great. Since you’ve got nothing to do, eventually you’ll stop watching television and decide to start exercising. You’ll start to experiment with cooking and baking. After your parents really give you that grilling you so sorely need, you’ll realise that the world doesn’t owe you shit.

Do you think your grandparents had dreams? They worked jobs that suck so much now robots have been invented to do it because those jobs caused cancer. They didn’t moan. They just did it. You lack work ethic, and you’ve watched far too many indie coming of age flicks where the protagonist got that job interview.

At best, you’re a supporting character in someone else’s film. It’s far more likely that you’re an extra, or not even in the film at all. Really, you’re just an audience member for life.

Do not ask a girl who works at a café if she wants to get coffee.

Do not ask that girl at the gelato shop out. She always says no.

Do not tell that guy about your ex. Ex-boyf or ex-girlf. We’d rather just not know.

Do not bat one out before you go on a date. You’ll lose your sex drive. You think that it’s going to help you last longer, but really you’re not going to get any until she’s horny. And that’s not at 1pm on a Tuesday. Coffee is not an aphrodisiac.

Do not keep asking that girl out. No means no. In fact, yes mostly means no. Yes very rarely means yes.

Do not be sad if a girl just wants sex. You are lucky enough that she trusts you as much as she does. You don’t even trust you.

Do not get upset if your friend manages to lay that girl/guy you’ve been into for over three months. You’ve either tried and failed or you never tried at all.

Do not wear your best clothes on the first date. You’ve then set a precedent that you’re fashionable, which we all know is not the case. You’ll only let them and ultimately yourself down.

Do not wear  a coat or jumper on a date. You will sweat and sweating is gross. Everyone can see that bead on your forehead, and everyone knows that you’re wiping it off. You might think you’ve got it down, but you really, really don’t. Just order some water.

Do not talk about the date on social media. If you do, disguise it so thinly that it makes it awkward for them to bring it up.

The following facts are true, sourced from somewhere I can't remember but they're real.

If you want to create an instant link with a date, say his or her name at least twice in the conversation. This shows attentiveness and connectiveness. This seems like something that was said in Hitch. Yeah, we've seen it. We sat down and watched it with our mothers. Which might sound weird, but one of us watched Dogtooth with his mother, and that's a bit weirder. She gave it a thumbs down.

If a group of women are standing together but their eyes are wandering, they are likely to be looking for guys. If they each take a turn to break away from the group to head to the bathroom alone, they are on the prowl. If they are huddled together giggling, they are usually not interested in finding men. Yeah, men who go out looking for girls really give a shit what girls want to do. The fact is, there are two types of men - the ones that are comfortable playing the numbers game (the confident ones) and the guys who play the long game, powering through the hours hoping that some girl will eventually say "hey, come back to my house and drink". Think about how many times that's been your drunk-brain game plan. If a guy wants to flirt, he'll flirt. Because men are horrible and stupid. Although huddling together and giggling is a good way to make us think you're laughing at our penises.

Choosing exciting places for a first date increases the chances of the other person falling for you. There is a definitive link between danger and physical/romantic attraction. One time Matt took a girl on a skydiving date. There's no rush like eating wind. Makes you feel powerful. Another time he took a girl to a shark punching arena. Lots of danger there. Sam once asked a girl if she wanted to go jump off a building, but she took it the wrong way. It's hard to get the ingredients of danger and romance just right. Technically, just going on a date with a man is dangerous. Statistically, there's a 100% chance he's going to kill, fuck or marry you. Who wants to take that chance? We think Taylor Swift might.

The following facts are true, sourced from somewhere I can't remember but they're real.

In the online dating world, women are afraid of meeting a serial killer. Men are afraid of meeting someone “fat.” According to Ann Rule, about 3% of men are psychopaths, of which only a tiny percentage are serial killers. Men are needlessly afraid fat women because they're worried that these girls will rudely eat their penis. It's very unfair and judgemental, but the fact is, men don't want their penis chopped off by a pair of teeth. Weirdly the guys have a slightly more rational fear here. But it's nothing to do with body types, so lay off it, Dove. Stop throwing your 'beautiful' agenda down our throats. Or we'll bite it off. 

Nearly 40% of men do not feel confident meeting a woman for the first time. Just remember that, women. Dudes are shit scared of you. We're not being rude, we're just not confident. Which is why we're sweating so much. That and we drank too much before the date. Yes, it was stupid of us. But we thought it would make us confident. We were wrong. With that in mind. If you do have a wee bit of coke in your bag, offer it to us. It's going to make things all that much easier.

Immediately after Tiger Wood’s affairs became public, men looking for discreet relationships on BeNaughty.com dropped by 47.5%. Ha.

Studies show that schools, colleges, coffee shops, and malls are all excellent places to flirt because people are more open to meeting others in these places. Poor locations are restaurants and movie theaters. There's safety in numbers and safety in the light. Why women allow men to go on dates to movies is beyond us. You're letting us take you into a dark room where you have to be quiet or people will be angry at you. Why risk a public rape dungeon? Plus who wants to listen to the sound of popcorn consumption?

Apathy is cool, and Christmas is not. That's the way it goes. Unfortunately, you're still a child at heart so it's easy to get carried away with presents and excitement. You're failing Apathy 101 (a pre-requisite to your degree in either Agnosticism or Atheism), and you want to seem cool this Christmas. Maybe you want to impress some people, meet some new friends and fall in some new vaginas / on some new penii.

Santa's the real problem here. You know he doesn't exist. That's common knowledge. Spoiler alert, teenagers with a sparkle in your eye and a dash of hope in your loins - life sucks and all mythical gift-givers are actually your parents. Yes, it's true. When you find that little bit of weed in a baggie at the back of your desk drawer. It's not Jah. It's your parents. It's always parents. That's why poor kids get shitty presents and only 50c from The Tooth Fairy and rich kids get games, phones and Ben10 merch. Or whatever the fuck it is kids watch nowadays.