#puddleoftears

Many years ago, I was sitting in a National Youth Worker’s Convention and a man appeared on the big stage.  He was attractive, well-spoken, and appeared to be highly intelligent.  He had a stage presence that drew you in...he would lean in at just the right time or gather his hands together or move in a way that told the story he was trying to tell in a visual manner. 

He spoke about the Prayer Closet.  The Tallit. I sat on the concrete floor for better positioning. I wanted to listen and have space to spread out to take notes.  The next thing I know, this speaker is talking about pain and grace and mercy and prayer and being able to access our Divine Creator ANYwhere we are.  He spoke truth to my soul about a God I had known, but never fully understood. God’s mercy extended to ME. HE loves ME. The broken girl with a broken story was adored by her Maker.  I was bent over and a puddle of tears was on the floor in front of me. Snot was dripping down my face. Makeup smeared all over me. But I did not care. I had been lamenting and grieving at the foot of my Maker. I have been forever changed. 

Since that time, this speaker has been instrumental in helping me understand ancient tradition and language. I took in the teachings and began to see God differently than I had before. Legalism once shattered my perception of God and I saw my life as a works-based one that needed to earn the love of God.  I needed to have good, wholesome language, be kind to everyone, remain pure until marriage, walk a fine line, and always respect my elders. Bill Gothard seminars were the go-tos each year. While those things could be helpful to me as a person, they always made me think my value and worth were found in ‘doing,’ which is exactly the messages I was getting at home. “DO” this and I’ll love you. The message was loud and clear.....until I met Rob Bell. 

Nooma videos. Sermons. Books. They made me WANT to dive into the Bible; to see it from a new and fresh perspective. 

I do not care what people think of his newfound (or maybe previously believed....but never shared) theology. His Love Wins book drew such controversy and cost me a lot of relationships for simply saying I was interested in hearing what he had to say about it. No one ever asked me; they only assumed I thought it was Gospel. They thought I was a heretic and getting my wisdom from one. If only they knew....and were bold and courageous enough to ask. But that is a different story. 

Honestly, I gain wisdom from a great deal of things and people. My husband is a wealth of wisdom. His grace, understanding, ability to see things differently, and his love for people help me see the world with fresh eyes.  Authors help me chew on things and look at them from a different perspective. My Pastor brings his best each week to help us understand how to overcome adversities or work through anxiety or how to walk through this life with Jesus as our focus. Friends....I have a few who are some of the wisest people I know. They offer insight and understanding, pointing me to a different place to look since my muddled view is not always accurate. If I’m honest, even social media accounts help me see that I’m not alone in my struggles or they serve to challenge me deeper in relationship with Jesus. Each brings perspective. Each brings history. Each brings wisdom. Each brings a different understanding of the world. Each is valuable in its own way.....and I view none of them as the tell-all Gospel of the world. You can have your hang-ups with authors. You can have your hang-ups with pastors. You can have your hang-ups with friends or spouses or other people with different ideations and perspectives. And each one gives you and me the ability to chew on, study, wonder, pray, and seek guidance from the only One whose words matter.

I’m so thankful for Rob Bell’s voice. I’m thankful for his deeper desire to understand culture and Biblical references and to share them with others. I am so challenged by them and not in a way that questions whether hell is real (I mean, that book was just his platform to question...) but in a way that makes me want to dive deeper in relationship with Jesus, the One who meets me ANYwhere I go. 

Yep.. it's official. I'm alone and single once again.

Not that it wasn't a valiant effort. We maintained a long-distance relationship for about a year, and did our absolute best to make things work. We decided this mutually. Talked it all out together. We even agreed to stay as close friends.

...So why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel so sad and rejected, even though this was my decision too? Why do I wish he was still mine?

I doubt things are going to get any easier. We agreed to wait until July, after school was over with, to figure things out and decide where we want our lives to go. Take some time to find ourselves and go from there. So... maybe. There's a tiny glimmer of hope for us to have a future together again.

I just wish this wasn't necessary. Because I do feel broken. My heart has shattered like ice, and melted away into a puddle of tears. Hopefully it will eventually get better, but for now...

So last post I asked you guys to guess what would happen next, and here are the results:

flusendieb said: my guess is they’ll be talking about the Teletubbies’ influence on modern culture next. That or roasted ham.

puddleoftears said: Is it about 100 shades of grey? See what I did there? :D… I get all the points =_= Maybe it’s about breakfast going cold.

Puddleoftears, you get +2 points for making a joke about the title of this book! Unfortunately, you also get -20 points for making SENSE. Have I taught you nothing about E. L. James?! For shame!

Flusendieb, you get +46.7 points for being completely ridiculous, and .03 of a point for actually making me kind of want to do research on Teletubbies and how they've influenced modern culture. Damn.