Fic title: lesson 47: do not try to hug a cactus
âDoes anyone want this?â said Lily, walking into the Gryffindor common room with a small, potted cactus in her hand. âI went a bit overboard practising for Transfiguration and Iâve got too many.â
âIâll take it!â cried James Potter, playing it cool. âIâve always wanted a⌠spiky plant thing.â
âItâs called a cactus, Potter,â said Lily. âThough for the life of me, I canât figure out why anyone, even a witch, would ever feel the need to transfigure a mouse into one of these. I mean, why are we even taughtââ
âSssh,â said Remus Lupin calmly. âDonât break the fourth wall.â
With a shrug, Lily handed the cactus to James with a warning to keep his fingers away from the spikes, and returned to her dormitory to practice more spells that would have no practical use in everyday life - which, actually, is a rather brilliant reflection of many educational practices that are still commonly used today. Who cares if you donât know how taxes work when you can make a potato battery, amirite?!
âThis is the greatest day of my life,â said James, holding the cactus aloft. âLily Evans gave me a giftââ
âTechnically, it wasnât a gift,â said Sirius.
âThis gift!â said James, ignoring him. A shaft of light broke through a nearby window and illuminated the cactus in a golden haze. âI shall dub thee Benjamin.â
âNot Peter?â said Peter.
âIâll cherish you forever, Benjy,â said James, and drew the cactus close to his face. âForever and ever andââ
âJames,â said Remus urgently. âDonât doââ
âNo!â Sirius seconded. âDonât hug theââ
And thatâs how James ended up in the hospital wing.