#psychotc

I know I do this a lot, I make a post about how much certain people mean to me, how much I miss the ones I've let go and how much I would like to reconnect. Well I've come to realize half the people I want to be friends with again, could care less if I were even alive, in fact some of you I was once so close with hate me even. It gets me thinking about high school and how my relationships with people always fell through, I never kept a solid group of friends and now I've come to realize why. I always blamed them; I would tell myself it's their fault they don't think the same way I do, they don't accept me, etc. well I know now it was me, I would shut people out once I felt the slightest hint of comfort  because I didn't want to be comfortable, have everyday be the same and get bored with life. I didn't want a normal. It cost me a lot of good friends along the way, some I regret losing a lot. So please, if you hate me: I don't blame you in the slightest, I most likely deserve it. If I broke things off: I'm sorry, I was stupid. 

Growing up isn't easy, being accountable for everything makes you realize how at fault you really are in everything you do. I cry at night sometime because I just feel like a piece of shit, nothing I've been doing seems to bring those back of help the situation but lately my knowledge of why things have been going the wrong way has helped me cope. I honestly don't want to go back to where I was. I'm moving past it, looking towards the future. No more depression. No more fights. No more setbacks.