#psily

"Blaine honey, it's Mom… again. We haven't heard from you in a while; we're a bit worried. Give me or Rachel a call soon, okay? We love you. Oh… and… Happy birthday, dear. If you feel up to it, we'll still have your birthday dinner this weekend." 

Blaine sighs heavily, burying his face further into his pillows. He feels awful. It’s the third time his mother-in-law has called him in three days and he just can’t bring himself to call her back. He knows he should but he just… Can’t. He can’t bring himself to talk to anyone-- not even Rachel. He expects that her call is next as it’s been the same pattern for days. First, his mother-in-law calls, then Rachel, Cooper, and Santana. Wash, rinse, repeat. He knows that one of these days he’s going to have to face it that Sebastian is gone and the world is still going on out there without him.

Just as expected, after a few moments of silence, his phone begins to ring once more. It rings and rings until his answering machine picks up and Rachel’s crystal clear voice flows throughout his empty apartment. 

"Blaine, you have got to answer the phone. At least let someone know that you're okay."

A heavy sigh falls from his lips as he curls into himself tighter underneath his blanket. But he’s not okay, that’s just it. 

“I’m… I’m going back to Ohio for a little bit and I wanted to see you before I leave. So if you don’t call me by tomorrow, I’m coming over. I love you.”

When Rachel hangs up, he counts to ten in his mind and then just like clockwork the phone rings again, he knows it’s Cooper.

“Blaine!” Nope, in a surprising plot twist it’s actually Santana this time. “Listen to me, I am coming over there if you do not answer this phone. At the very least text me, for God’s sake. Let someone know you’re alive.” She sounds annoyed but he knows it’s with love. “Love you, B.” 

With an audible groan, Blaine pulls the covers over his head. He knows he has to deal with them sooner or later-- preferably later-- but for now he just lets the sweet feeling of sleep take over. At least when he’s sleeping, time is passing quicker. 

--

A few hours later he wakes up to the unwelcome sound of someone knocking on his front door. Grumbling again, he buries his face against his pillow, figuring it’s one of the girls threatening to come over but he knows that they both have a key. Neither one needs him to open the door. As the knocking continues persistently, he quickly figures out that whoever it is isn’t going away anytime soon. Blaine seriously contemplates if getting up is worse than listening to the knocking for the rest of his life before he actually gets up to answer the door. 

Rolling over and pushing himself up out of the bed, Blaine clutches the comforter as he pulls it right around him. The movement makes his sweatshirt rustle underneath, activating the faint scent of Sebastian that still lingers. It makes his stomach twist with both sadness and comfort. 

When he finally makes it to the door, he’s in the middle of a yawn as he opens it up, his curly hair sticking up wildly in every direction. A frown settles on his face when he sees who’s standing on the other side: it’s just some kid with shaggy blonde hair. “Oh,” He was expecting to see a familiar face. “May I help you…?” He asks carefully as his eyes cast down to the single red rose and envelope the boy is holding.,

“Uhhh are you Mr. Smythe? Blaine?” The kid asks, looking at a clipboard in his other hand.

“Yeah…” Blaine nods, narrowing his eyes a little warily.

“This is for you,” the other says as he holds out the rose and envelope. “From a...um,” he glances down at the clipboard. “Sebastian Smythe.” A smile spreads across his face. 

When Blaine hears Sebastian’s name, the air completely leaves his lungs, the dull ache where his heart used to reside getting sharper. “Are… Is this some kind of joke?” He asks as a wrinkle settles in his forehead. 

The boy shakes his head and checks his clipboard once more. “No, it says here 'For Blaine from Sebastian Smythe'."

Tears burn the shorter’s eyes as his voice shakes with confusion, sadness, anger. “This isn’t funny,” he shakes his head. “My husband is dead… How? H-how could he?” He stutters, visibly upset. 

“Whoa, I don’t know, man; I just deliver.” The kid says as he tries again to hand over the rose and envelope. 

Blaine reluctantly takes them finally with a frown, still skeptical. 

“Well, have a nice day.”

Blaine looks down at the things in his hand as he closes the door, startled by the fact that his name is written on the outside of the envelope in his husband’s elegant script. His heart pounds in his ears as he discards the rose onto the nearest surface, his fingers working quickly to open up the letter. Inside is a DVD with the words watch me written in the same handwriting. After a brief pause, Blaine stumbles quickly to the living room, unable to get the disc in the player fast enough. With his hands shaking, he stands there in front of the television as the screen lights up with a shot of their living room. The camera shakes gently and he hears Sebastian clear his throat before he comes into view and takes a seat on their couch.

“Hey, baby.” 

Blaine’s knees turn to jelly when he sees Sebastian’s face, his voice ringing through the quiet apartment clearly, and he falls to his knees in front of the television. There he is sitting right there on their couch. His green eyes are sparkling in the sunlight and the corner of his eyes crinkle as he smiles at the camera. He takes note that Sebastian must have filmed this right before he got so sick he had to be admitted into the hospital— he still looks good. He looks like his Sebastian.

“I know, this is kind of morbid. But I’m-- I really hate that I’m not going to be around for your birthday this year. You're turning thirty and this is a big year for you. We were supposed to go to Paris and I don’t want to leave you with nothing," Sebastian explains. “It kills me that I’m not going to get to see you freak out over turning thirty-- that cute little worried wrinkle in your forehead.” The taller says with a fond shake of his head before a look of realization flashes over his face and he snorts. “Literally, B, it kills me.” There’s a quick beat and then he laughs. “It’s funny.”

Shaking his head, Blaine’s forehead wrinkles with an unamused expression. It’s just like Sebastian to crack jokes about something like this. “No, it isn't."

As if he can hear Blaine, Sebastian's smile falls and he shrugs. "Okay, no it isn't."

Sebastian’s face lights up with another smile. “You’re going to be so impressed, babe. I have this entire thing planned and you’re going to love it; I promise.” He rubs his hands together and takes a breath, clearly excited to announce what he’s done. “I’ve written you letters. They’ll be coming to you at different times and in different ways and don’t even try to figure any of it out because it’s too brilliant. Don’t ruin the surprises, okay?”

A soft chuckle escapes from Blaine’s lips as he wipes away at his face, tears involuntarily streaming down his cheeks as he watches the screen that holds his husband. He feels so warm and comforted at the sound of Sebastian’s voice and the sight of his face. He’s right there. If only he could touch him-- hold him-- let him know how much he misses him. 

“I waited until your birthday because I know you’ll lock yourself away at home for a while. But now, I want you to do everything that I say, okay?” Sebastian says as he nods towards the camera-- towards Blaine. His eyebrows raise, causing his own little wrinkle in his forehead. It’s so cute and Blaine is so happy to see it. 

“Okay,” Blaine says immediately, willing to do anything Sebastian tells him to do. He trusts him completely as always.

“First thing’s first, I want you to take off my sweatshirt.” This causes Blaine to laugh; Sebastian knows him well. “Then get your cute butt into the shower and get ready. Don’t you dare over-use that hair gel now that I’m gone. You don’t need it. Call Rachel and Santana and go out. Get out of our apartment. Go have fun, B, you need it. Laugh, smile.” Sebastian looks down, smiling to himself before shaking his head. “Your smile brightens not just my world, Blaine. It brightens the whole world. You’re like… This ray of sunshine in this shitty world. Please don’t let all of this kill that light.” With his eyes still cast down towards the ground, Blaine can see them glaze over as Sebastian’s smile fades away. Blaine swallows a hard lump in his throat as he watches Sebastian tear up before looking straight to the camera. “The thing is, B, I’m… I’m just not ready to say goodbye to you yet.”

Blaine’s breath quivers as his body shakes with a silent sob, the words breaking his heart further.

Sebastian sniffles softly before wiping away his tears. “Ugh, okay, okay. I’ve gotta go. You’ll be home any minute now and I can’t be spoiling this surprise.” He smiles a little bit at the camera-- at Blaine-- and he sighs softly. “Just… just know that wherever I am, I’m missing you. Happy birthday, gorgeous. I love you.” Sebastian then blows a kiss before his signature smirk settles on his face, giving a wink just as the screen goes dark. The smirk causes a flutter to flit across his stomach-- something he hasn’t felt in weeks. 

“I love you, too,” Blaine whispers to his own reflection in the television as he rests his back against the coffee table. Bringing his knees up to his chest, he wraps his arms around them tightly. His tiny body trembles with painful sobs as he hides his face against his knees, the tears flowing freely down his cheeks. This is awful. How is he supposed to do this? How does Sebastian expect him just to get up and move on with life just like that?

He knows it’s the complete opposite of what Sebastian wants when he gets up from the floor, grabbing their comforter and heading back to the bedroom. “I’m sorry, Seb.” He’s just about to lie back down to burrow for another week when there’s another knock on the door. 

“Go away,” he groans. The moment the person hears the sound, however, the knocking only gets quicker. Huffing loudly, Blaine goes to the door to open it up.

“Do you two not have keys?” he mumbles as Rachel pushes past him to let herself in carrying balloons and a bag in her hands, Santana lingers in the doorway just a moment to assess him. He raises his eyebrows at her before turning to walk away.

“Do you not have a shower?” Santana asks before grimacing. “God, what is that smell?”

“Ugh, It’s me, Santana.” He grumbles into a pillow as he collapses face first onto the couch. “What’s the point of showering?”

“Don’t listen to her,” Rachel says as she places the items down on the kitchen table. “You’ve hibernating, it’s understandable.” She continues as she picks up a few of the week-old take out containers and tossing them in the garbage. “He’s fully within his right to not bathe if he pleases, he’s been through quite a lot lately.” The shorter smiled over at Blaine sympathetically. “However, what kind of friends would we be if we let you just stay in and be sad on your birthday?” 

“The good kind?” He mock-guesses, knowing full well he won’t be able to talk the women out of dragging him out of his apartment for the evening. He lets out a soft whine in protest as Santana rolls her eyes and tugs on his arm. 

“Get up and shower,” she orders before looking around the room, shaking her head. “Blaine this is ridiculous. Look at this place!” Santana huffs, picking up some of the trash from the coffee table and taking it into the kitchen to throw it away, only to find the trash can already overflowing with garbage.

“‘Tana don’t clean,” Blaine says, sitting up a little, curling himself into the comforter a little more.

"Somebody has to or else you're going to be eaten by cockroaches," She calls out to the living room, rummaging through his kitchen to find a new trash bag. Santana knows that her best friend is taking the death of Sebastian hard but it hasn't really hit her until that moment on just how bad off he really is. It doesn’t sit well with her. Blaine isn’t like this; he keeps things clean and in their place at all times. She’s been worried about him but in that moment it's increased tenfold. She’s heard of people dying from a broken heart before but it isn’t until that moment where she actually might believe it can happen. She and Rachel need to keep a better eye on him.

“Blaine,” Rachel sighs, coming over to sit with him on the couch. “What’re you doing?”

“I’m grieving, Rach. Didn’t you do the same when Finn died?”

The girl looks down, pressing her lips together as she nods. “Yes, of course I did. I get it,” she lifts her gaze to him, shaking her head. “But you can’t hide yourself away here in the apartment and let yourself go.” Rachel lifts her hand to run her fingertips along the heavy scruff that littered his chin. “It isn’t going to bring him back or make you feel better.”

“Neither will leaving the apartment.” 

A half-smile tugs the corner of her lips as she lets out a sigh of defeat. “Well, I can’t argue that.” She pats his leg before standing up. “Still, you need to get up; it’s your birthday. Sebastian would be very upset with me if I let you stay in and not celebrate.” She tugs on the comforter to uncover him. “Don’t you want to celebrate before I have to go home?”

“Not really," he mumbles.

“Ouch-- thanks, Blaine," she frowns, moving to walk away from the couch

“No, wait, Rach, I’m…” he sighs, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” Blaine sits up a little, tugging her down onto the couch next to him to wrap his arms around her.

She just nods, hugging him back. “It’s okay,” Rachel whispers, rubbing his back slowly.

“I’m really sorry, I’m just--”

“I know,” she pulls him in tighter. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” Rachel coos as she comforts her friend. “I understand, you know. This is really tough.” 

He’s lucky to have Rachel. She’s always understood him so well throughout their friendship and she’s the only one he knows who can even fathom what he’s currently going through. It’s comforting to have her there and he wishes he would have let her come over sooner.

“I do have to tell you though,” She leans back a little, a small smile on her lips. “You do smell terrible.” Rachel chuckles, shaking her head. “And that beard has got to go.”

Blaine cracks a smile at his best friend. “Aww, you don’t like it?” He leans in to nuzzle his face against hers, causing her to laugh and playfully push away.

“Stoppp!”

“Okay, all of your garbage is in bags. You’re welcome," Santana sighs as she comes into the living room, plopping down on the couch next to Blaine. “You are literally one of the grossest people in the world right now, do you know that?” 

“I’ll just go take that out,” Rachel offers as she gets up, going into the kitchen to grab a couple of the bags to throw them into the chute in the hallway.

“Thank you, guys.” he says, placing a hand on Santana’s leg. “I really appreciate you both.”

“Well, someone’s got to take care of you if you’re not going to do it yourself.” Santana looks at his hand, her nose wrinkling as she pushes it away. “Gross, don’t touch me until you’ve showered.”

“Okay, okay,” Blaine chuckles.

“Blaine, who’s this rose from?” Rachel’s voice chimes as she returns to the apartment.

The man’s smile fades quickly. “Oh… I… that’s from Sebastian.” Saying his name makes his stomach churn.

“What?” The women say simultaneously.

“Yeah, he apparently set up this thing before everything happened. A delivery boy showed up today with the rose and a DVD.”  

“A DVD?” 

“Yeah...he recorded himself--”

“Can we see it?” Rachel asks.

“Yeah, of course,” he replies before reaching for the remote to turn the DVD back on.

Rachel takes a seat on the other side of her friend and takes his hand as she and Santana share a glance. Both girls hold his hands tightly as their attention turns to the screen.

The trio watch with tears in their eyes as Sebastian speaks to Blaine and by the end the tears are rolling down their cheeks. 

“So,” Blaine breaks a heavy silence that falls over them after the screen goes black. “Yeah, that’s basically it for now.” He shrugs. “I assume he has more things coming but I don’t know what or how.”

“Oh, Blaine,” Rachel whines, squeezing his hand as she pulls him into a hug. 

This gives Santana a moment to quickly wipe away her tears. Clearing her throat, she finally speaks. “Well, you heard the man,” She sniffles, cursing herself for crying. “Get your ass up and shower, Hobbit and I are taking you out.” The woman pats his leg as he and Rachel break away from their hug. 

Blaine shakes his head a little, wiping at his face. “You guys don’t really have to. I mean, I don’t even know if I’m really ready for that.”

“Sebastian thinks you are…” Rachel responds.

"Sebastian also thinks I can live without him." He mumbles, his eyes falling to where his hands rested on his lap.

Rachel sighs as she wipes underneath her eyes, pulling herself together. “Blaine, look at me.” She reaches over to place a finger under his chin to lift his gaze to her. “I know how hard this is. But you are so much stronger than you know. You can do this, you will be okay. Remember how I was when Finn died? Look at me now.” She gives him a sympathetic smile. “You’re gonna be okay.” 

Blaine listens to every word she says, he remembers when he was in her position, doing everything he could to get her out of bed. 

“Seb would be really upset if you ignored his wishes, too," Santana adds. 

With a heavy sigh, Blaine nods. They're right; he can’t just sit around waiting for his own life to end and he can’t let Sebastian down. Finally getting up from the couch, Blaine nods once again, his tone uncertain. “Alright, I’ll go shower.”