#pseudofamily

The past few weeks have been really hard. I broke my foot, causing me to spend a lot of time around my apartment and not with friends. Lately, I spend all day every single day busy. I don't have "free time" to myself. I don't want "free time".  Unfortunately, when I lost the most important person in my life, I slipped into a deep depression. I didn't know I was depressed until I spent a lot of time by myself, I've been hiding from my emotions for so long now.  I don't know if it was my broken foot or my school project that made me realize my feelings, but either way I did. I've been working on a school project that deals with the psychology of college students. When a student goes far away for school they create this support system. The system essentially works like a family. There is the mother figure, the father figure, the child, sometimes the crazy aunt, and so much more. I see these relationships in so many friend groups that I have. I have a LOT of friends, more than I can count, but I don't feel like part of the family in any of them, because I'm not. I don't have my own little fake family here in Flagstaff like everyone else does. Seeing them all so happy really upset me. I spent hours pondering what could possibly be wrong with me that led me to being alone, without close friends to call family. I've spent the past two weeks thinking that I had no one, that I was alone up here and everyone just hated me.  Fortunately and unfortunately, I've discovered that all of my thoughts are invalid. It isn't a matter of people disliking me, it's just a matter of the situation. The people I'm friends with established their families a long time ago. In order to join those families I have to be very patient and work my way in slowly, almost like how Robin joined the gang in How I Met Your Mother. They all accepted her very quickly, but it took a long time for her to become such an important part of their lives. Fortunately, I've had the experience to make my own little family in flagstaff, I just have a hard time thinking about it because I lost my family. Rebecca, my best friend, my roommate, my sister, she was my family. Her and I were so close, I planned my entire life and future around her. She was my life, my rock, my everything. I had other friends, yes, we both did... but when she passed away, everything crumbled. People became depressed, dropped out of school, withdrew from their closest friends and it left me alone in a strange city. So much has happened in the past few months, so many hard experiences, and it is difficult for me to go through it because I don't have my family here with me. My biological family is hours away and my pseudo family fell apart. 

BEN'S MOTHER'S DAY POEM .