teaser, yo

As we’ve said before (I don’t even know what to link that to, I’m sure it’s come up though), superheroes are very public figures. Almost aggressively public, what with the bright flashy unitards and the constant sonic booms and whatnot. Superheroes are also (for the most part) super cool looking, and their lifestyle might even seem appealing so some. Especially children. Tiny, small-brained, impressionable children. And that means, if you want to be a superhero, you’re going to need to learn how to be a good role model.

Even children who sadly live in universes where there are no superheroes will try to emulate the fictional heroes they see in comics or movies or really cool commercials for law firms (all law firm commercials should have superheroes) so it stands to reason that children existing in universes that actually have superheroes will, like, doubly try to emulate them. (Look, I know superheroes aren’t even really technically law-abiding citizens what with the illegal vigilantism and occasional imprisonment of villains in shadow dimensions without due process. I’m just saying it would make for a really cool commercial!) So superheroes that exist in universes that have a. real superheroes, and b. real children, need to be conscious of how their actions might be viewed by these children. For example, sure, superheroes can run out into the middle of traffic to chase down an ice cream truck no problem. Many superheroes have the secondary power of being immune to traffic, but, if they do this then there is a very good chance that children across the galaxy will attempt similar stunts in the hopes of catching the ice cream truck and getting some of that cold, creamy, goodness. But children are not immune to traffic. In fact, they are especially susceptible to traffic due to their small size and lack of spatial awareness. So superheroes should not go chasing after ice cream trucks. They should just wait for them to stop moving. Like a regular person. And I know, you’re probably thinking, “Zach, if I can’t bolt into traffic in pursuit of ice cream then why do I even have powers?” to which I respond, “Well, random superhero, I don’t know why you have powers but it might have something to do with your propensity to wander into gamma-bomb testing facilities,” and you will be upset because not only did I accurately guess your origin story on the first try but I also never really answered your question. (Like, it’s not even just law firm commercials that we think should have superheroes in them. All commercials should. We just believe that there is an almost criminal deficit in the number of law firm commercials that have superheroes in them.)

Now, obviously superheroes can’t live their life not doing dangerous things for fear that a nearby small child will be injured trying to wrestle a seven-foot-tall, rabid turkey demon into submission just like their favorite hero. Superheroing is an inherently dangerous job, there’s no getting around that. But, that being said, you should avoid taking unnecessary risks. Especially within view of children (and make sure you account for Ivan, the hundred-eyed, all-seeing child who, despite his mutation and superpowers, is not a superhero and his mother kindly asked us to tell all of you team leaders to stop trying to recruit him. He is seven). If you need to light yourself on fire in order to fight a treeant or avoid being captured by ninjas that’s fine. But don’t go setting yourself on fire just to go to the store to pick up a newspaper (for one, the newspaper would be incinerated). It’s important to show children that doing dangerous things just for fun is not cool. Kids are very hung up on what’s cool. Anytime you see a child you should remind them that setting themselves on fire or going to the moon without a space suit is lame.  

If you want to be a superhero who just half-asses being a good role model, simply not doing dangerous things is enough. But here at Howtohero we like to inspire would be heroes to be the very best superheroes they can be! So we’re gonna give you more stuff to do! In addition to not attaching their image to dangerous things like cordless bungee-jumping and gorilla tickling, superheroes should make an effort to attach their name, image and personal brand to noble causes. Help out at your local soup kitchen (or use your power to turn dirty puddle water into delicious nutritious soup), pass out books to children, appear in anti-drug and anti-being-kidnapped-by-van-driving-and-/or-wielding-fiends PSAs. Eat vegetables and go to bed when your parents (or actors who were paid to portray your parents if your parents were gunned down in an alley or on your planet when it exploded) tell you to on live television. Guest star on kids shows and sing songs about sharing and how to say all the colors in Spanish with fun, whimsical puppets. 

By basically making the recharge rate the way it is, I am forced to do some calculations to determine when is the best time to start spending my Resin, how much should I let it recharge before I spend those again and should I then let it recharge till the next day. I tend to do it early in the morning just so I can have free time to do anything else for the rest of the day and force myself to not sleep past midnight (at least until college stuff comes up again, forcing me to stay up late should my own ADHD distract me that badly)

BUT if you want to stay in touch I have:

Discord: ✖✖✖#3702

Twitter: @mewrusu