#protector au

Lucifer: Okay, so Razzle and Dazzle are doing a good job protecting Charlie, but....

Kid Charlie: Baaa! (Headbutts Razzle)

Lucifer: ......She needs a person around.... Fuck... (pulls out his phone and dials a number)

Adam: (answers) Fuck you want?

Lucifer: Look. I don't like you, and you don't like me. But.... I need a favor.

Adam: Oh-Ho! And why would I help you?

Lucifer: I can literally make you the best barbecue ribs in all of creation.

Adam: ........Whatchu need?

Lucifer: I need a bodyguard for my daughter. She's five years old and needs another person around.

Adam: Say no more, asshole. I got the perfect girl for ya.

Lucifer: Oh! Thank Heavens! Can you bring her down tonight? I'll make those ribs, and we can all get acquainted.

Adam: Yeah, yeah, sure. Sounds good. Whatever.

-Later-

Lucifer: (eye twitch)

Adam: Soooo, what do you think?

Lucifer: (gazing down at kid Vaggie, who is trying to stand up straight as professionally as possible woth a small, child sized spear and a nervous look in her eye) She's... a girl.

Adam: Yup!

Lucifer: A LITERAL girl.

Adam: Sure is! One of my best in this age bracket!

Lucifer: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BRING AN ADULT!!!!

Adam: Why would I waste one of my best girls on your daughter?

Lucifer: (steaming mad)

Kid Charlie: Daddy, is my new friend here yet? (Sees kid Vaggie trying to stand tall and official) GASP!!! Hi!!! I'm Charlie!!!

Kid Vaggie: (blushes and backs up half a step) .....Vadgie.

Kid Charlie: (bounds up to Vaggie like an excited puppy) It's so nice to meet you, Vaggie! Oh, my gosh! You have wings! They're so cool! Can I touch them? Please?

Kid Vaggie: (blushing at the much better sounding mispronounced version of her name as she slowly backs up more) N-No, please.

Kid Charlie: (steps forward) Please?! They look so soft! And you're really pretty!

Kid Vaggie: (baby gay panics and starts running around the adults' legs in a circle)

Kid Charlie: Oh! Tag! I love tag! I'm it! (Starts chasing Vaggie in circles while giggling)

Lucifer: .........

Adam: Have fun, asshole! (Disappears)

This contains all Alien writings to this date. Simply tap on the fic Title to be sent to the first part of each Story.

share the last line you wrote in your wip:

"Hm?" Not quite the eloquent response of a Protector, but well, the Mand'alor was standing in front of her mostly naked with sex tousled hair, now looking back at the datapad.

"You're dismissed."

(submission from @scp-10000 )

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Oh. My. Goodness. I love this so much! It would be that kind of thing where with every new crisis they're all sure this will be the time their luck runs out, all hanging on the edge of their seats waiting for one wrong move to cause the apocalypse, but they just keep winning. It probably started as a one-off thing that they did, thinking they would tell someone else about the threat next time and let them take care of it, but one thing lead to another and now it's way too late to tell anyone. (I also love the implication that Xisuma is completely oblivious to all these threats to the server lol)

Yeah, this AU is the peak of "I don't know what I'm doing but it's working so I'm just gonna keep going and hope for the best"