I wish
I wish I had a reason, I really do, desperately so in fact. But sometimes it just is what it is. And I can't explain it no matter how hard I try or how much I want to or feel I need to. Sometimes some things, no matter how menial they may seem, are more difficult for me. It's not fair. And I don't understand it. And I'm healing and growing but this fact will never truly change. And I don't know why it had to happen to me. And I wish I had an answer. A better answer. A real explanation for some things. Because the fact of it just being in my brain, it makes me feel broken, it makes me feel invalid and ridiculous and stupid. I got nothing...I just can't. And I'll be able to and I'll get rid of it, but sometimes it's really hard for me to do things that aren't meant to be hard. And I feel stupid, so stupid, and broken. And I know how weird and confusing and frustrating it is when it doesn't seem to make sense and it's just making life harder than it needs to be oh I know. I more than anyone am confused and frustrated by it. And I wish I could explain and justify. But sometimes it's just the way it is for me. And it'll go away and I'll get through it. And more often than not it's simply an extra hoop I don't know why is there but I have to be left to my own devices to jump through it despite the fact I don't even know why it's there when I know it shouldn't be and all I want is to simply do. Because the thoughts of why can't I just do this or that, they haunt me. Because I want to and I'm not sure why sometimes I can't and it hurts. But I know everything's okay and will continue to be. I just wish when my loved ones inquired I could give them a reason. A justifiable one. Not some stupid idk. Not just my inadequate brain. I know I know I have mental illnesses. But I don't like to say it. I'm still in some sort of denial, it feels like a cop out. My therapist says that's part of my problem. And the stigma doesn't help. I'm treated like I'm making excuses sometimes. And that's one of the worst feelings in the world and I begin to believe it. You're right you're right it's not valid, I'm just stupid I'm just this I'm just that. But I have to face my truth. And mental illnesses are a part of that. But I still don't like to say it. I'm trying to normalize it and be a type of advocate but I'm so ashamed. And I think that people find it to be an excuse and if makes me more ashamed. If I didn't have to think and feel these unnecessary things, I promise you I wouldn't. So to my loved ones: please just try to be as patient as possible. It's asking a lot and I don't mean to and you're allowed to take time and space and yell and scream and kick whatever you need because I know it's hard. But just know whatever you feel about it, I've felt about my own self, 100000000000x magnified. If I could help it I would. And I try so hard to help it I promise you all. And it stings me every single time I can't. Every time. But everything's okay and will continue to be. May we all unite and grow. And nurture ourselves and one another. I guess I just had a lil rant in me because of frustration therefore I wrote it out. That's a tool I've learned too, and I highly recommend it. Articulation is one of the highest forms of learning.
