#prollycarmen

In actuality, he's been skipping because he's starting to question everything that's created his identity. Catholicism was always embedded in his personhood since he was a child. God is simply the answer. But some, albeit, not all, have spoken against certain groups. Initially, he believed it, and agreed. But the more he read the bible, the more he started to question why so many people hated a group when they are supposed to love and tolerate others? Likewise, some part of him wonders if his love will put him in purgatory when he dies.

In the midst of his mental battle, Sven stroked Zachary's hair and whispered softly, "Cuore mio, what's wrong?" Zachary jolted and replied, "Nah, nothing, wangjanim." Sven readjusted himself before coaxing out of Zachary, "No, no, it's clearly something. You've been silent since you've gotten back. What's going on?"

Zachary sighed and grumbled before pouring out, "Everything sucks. My song sounds like shit every time I try to revise it, deadlines are nonstop, and..." he huffed a sob in to grumble the words, "I got into a fight with my parents last night."

Sven tensed, holding Zachary closer only to softly coo, "Go on... I'm listening, Matteo."

Zachary shoved his face into Sven's chest to muffle his sobs. Sven could feel the warm, wet puddle spread across his shirt, but it's fine. The walls are too thin, anyway. Zachary needed all the noise cancelation he could have, so Sven placed the plush comforter over Zachary's golden hair. When Zachary was cried out, he whimpered something inaudible, making Sven gently pull back the rosey-faced, dishevelved, snot ridden, and distressed Zachary to hum out a soft, "hmm~?" Zachary huffed, holding back his sorrowful croaks with his hand. Finally, he cracked out the words: "Am I going to hell because of us...?"

Sven was stunned at first. He always suspected Zachary to have some intrapersonal conflict about them as a couple, but never expected Zachary to have the strength to spit it out. Now that he thought about it, this was probably the most vulnerable he had ever seen Zachary.

Despite his contradictory beliefs as an atheist, Sven wrapped his arms around Zachary to tell him, "I... can't give you an answer really. The way I see it, there are worse out there than us, but they always ask for forgiveness. I don't know... how Catholicism works, so... I'm sorry I can't give you the best answer. But from my standpoint, why should you fear hell or limbo when you haven't done anything wrong? God made everyone, right? So.... this was all according to his plan. Maybe we were supposed to happen as god intended. And if not... I'm sure he'd still watch over you. I mean, he obviously does if you were given someone to love you. I love you, if that means anything."

Zachary melted into Sven's arms to whisper back, "Yes, Sven. It means everything." There was a long, comforting silence that was chipped by Zachary's existential question, "What happens to us after we die...?" He almost felt like a child asking. He knows that Sven, for all his knowledge, doesn't know anything beyond the grave. No one does. But... maybe....

Sven sighed out the words, "Well, I dunno. Nobody does, Matteo. But I guess, the way I see it? When we die, we become so much nothing that we become everything. Like... the dirt, and then grass and flowers grow, so now we're dirt, and plants. Then we erode into rocks, water, stuff like that. And if you were burried, you'll be oil in thousands of years. So in a way... we still carry on. Just more globally."

Zachary's breath hitched. Was it true? Technically.... yes, considering the process of decomposition. Was it what he wanted to hear? Definitely not. But the perspective Sven had of death was so refreshing. There was no stress of making it to wherever, it was just.... carrying through, like a breeze. Finally, Zachary answered with utter conviction, "I want to be everything with you."

Sven looked down at Zachary with wide eyes, his finger pads clinging to the hot and tacky skin that was Zachary's stained flesh. He leaned in closer to whisper against Zachary's lips, "We don't have to do this if you don't want to. We can stop this right now.... whatever you want. Whatever feels good for you."

Zachary's cheeks were flushed, much like Sven. Sven was bluffing, Zachary could see it. Beneath the stoicism were pleading eyes, "Please, please don't let this be the end."

Zachary, wanting to comfort his boyfriend, whispered "I meant what I said."

Then... their lips slipped into each other, and everything would fall into place. Was everything fixed? No. Everything was still awful for them both.