#probably a trigger

I don't know who makes it worse, either. My mom is always building me up. ("Youre going to be a great air traffic controller. Think of how much money you'll make." "Look at all the weight you've lost!" "You're so helpful." "You're so smart. you have so much potential.") and then just tears me down again. ("You're not doing enough in school. You have to do more if you want to get anywhere." "You eat like shit, that's why you're not losing weight." "You never do a single fucking thing to help out around here. You're such a lazy bitch. What are you good for?" ). At least my dad keeps it consistent with putting me down all the time. "You're never going to be happy if you don't go to school and get the career that I want you to get." "You look like a freak. Why is your hair that color? Don't you own any normal clothes?" "What, you're not hungry? Are you anorexic or something? Do we have to turn you into a mental facility so you can stop being such a freak already?" 

My boyfriend doesn't understand. "Just be happy." "Just stop thinking negative thoughts." "Just don't worry." Thank you, love. If it were that easy I wouldn't be having this problem. But if I don't hurry up and get better, he's probably going to leave me. He's already sick of it because he's usually the only person I can talk to about any of this shit. And then he'll leave me. That's okay I guess. He's like the one thing thats really keeping me from killing myself. 

No matter what I do, I'm going to fail someone, and I can't deal with that. I don't know how to do things for myself. I've never thought about what I ACTUALLY want to do with my life because everyone keeps telling me that the things I really enjoy doing aren't going to make me money and that I'm just going to be miserable. So out went having a family, or costuming, or baking, or being a librarian, or anything that I might have enjoyed. And now that i want to try and pursue those things I feel like a guilty, worthless piece of shit.