#privalice

ALICE CHANG ➝ SECOND SIBLING

I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN

❖ FULL NAME: Alice Margaret Chang. ❖ PRONOUNS: She/Her. ❖ AGE: 22. (September 2nd). ❖ BIRTH ORDER: Second. Twin to First Chang. ❖ GRADE: Senior. ❖ MAJOR: History, with a minor in Dance. ❖ SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Asexual. ❖ ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Biromantic. ❖ FACECLAIM: Shuang Zheng.

I'LL FOLLOW YOU UNTIL YOU LOVE ME

[depression, self harm tw]

If there was one teaching that Alice Chang has carried with her throughout her life, it’s that nothing short of perfection should ever be accepted. With a family like hers, it was impossible for her to be anything less than the absolute best, and Alice has never desired to be. And why shouldn’t she strive for it? She saw both students and professionals alike flock to her father with praise and seeking his opinions, while hearing beautiful young ingénues talk about how, even in her retirement, her mother was still one of the most renowned ballerinas of the modern age. In her young eyes, her parents were nothing but absolute perfection, and as their daughter, it was assumed that she would be the exact same. From the time she was a child, she has always thought herself the epitome of ladylike. She would walk with her spine straight and her clothes as neat as could be, generally remaining quiet unless spoken to without a single hair out of place. Alice never wanted anything but to make her parents proud of her, which lead to her giving her all in everything from academics (always making the honor roll and scoring in the top 5% of her class) to social involvement (stockpiling her resume with plenty of volunteer work) to dance.

Following in her mother’s graceful, pointe-shoe wearing footsteps, Alice was involved in ballet for as long as she can remember and while it definitely carries a special place in her heart, Alice much more appreciates ballet for the simple fact that it allowed her to grow so close to her mother. Julia Chang is not only Alice’s role model, but one of her best friends to this day. In a family of four (which suddenly and unexpectedly became five upon the adoption of her sister when Alice was 14), it wasn’t rare for Alice to be overlooked by her father, distant as he might have been. But her mother… oh how her mother was her saving grace, her rock in a family that Alice could’ve very easily fallen to the side of. To Alice, this bond was both a blessing and a curse. In hindsight, maybe it was this close relationship that made her even more determined to be someone her parents – her mother – could be proud of.

That amount of pressure can be dangerous, and on a young girl who already has the eyes of the media on her, it is of no surprise that it can become too much. It was in her early teenage years that she first felt the tightness in her chest some days, and the almost overwhelming sense of worthlessness more often than not, afraid that no matter what she did or how much she worked, something in her would still never be fully perfect. All Alice wanted was an escape, something to help take the edge off in-between studying, rehearsals, and the change in her father’s demeanor once Elise came into the home. What she found was an exacto blade and a sense of relief she’d never thought possible.

It started off inconspicuous enough: a little nick to her thigh if she didn’t do as well as she should have on an exam, a bruise or two on her hand if she missed a step during rehearsal. Her family had so much exposure in the public eye, it was hard to feel she had any sense of privacy. This, though… this was something that was entirely her own. A secret in a world that rarely allowed such things, and maybe her want to keep that secret made her grow careless, and dare her to go further every time until she could no longer wear shorts or a bathing suit, terrified someone would question the marks and there would be no believable explanation she could give besides the obvious. Alice can’t pinpoint when things took a turn, when she needed more and more to get the same sense of relief from hurting herself as she did before. What she does remember is the look of complete and utter disappointment on her father’s face when her parents found out, courtesy of a concerned friend who Alice promptly shut out of her life. Her 16th summer was spent in a psychiatric unit, the staff getting paid with an extra incentive to keep word of her placement there quiet. While her siblings and extended family were told she was at a leadership program, Alice spent seven weeks in an inpatient program, leaving with a diagnosis of persistent depressive disorder, a prescription for Zoloft, and the knowledge that she had brought shame to her family without most of them even knowing it.

Upon her return home, Alice became quieter than she’d been before, shuffling to and from her bedroom and leaving little time for fun. She still performed well in school and she still danced as if her life depended on it, but there was a distinct change in her. She could no longer look her parents in the eyes, and a huge part of her felt guilty that she couldn’t tell her own siblings the reason why. It wasn’t until she started university that she began to open up more, majoring in history (practical enough for her father to approve of, but interesting enough that Alice knew she wouldn’t get bored) while still maintaining her interest in dance. Being out of the home was enough for Alice, and PSU came as a breath of fresh air knowing that she was around people who were in the same light as her. Relapse isn’t unknown to her, but at least now Alice feels she has the strength to pull herself back up and move forward, slowly trying to rid herself of her own guilt over her illness.

When she first heard that her parents were divorcing, she was devastated. But when she found out via gossip columns that the reason was due to her father’s infidelity, all Alice could see was red. Watching how heartbroken the revelation left her mother made her angry enough, but to have it be so highly publicized pushed her to her limits. For the first time in her life, Alice had no trouble speaking her mind when she called her father up and let him know exactly what kind of man she thought he was. The next time she saw him (a necessary evil, as Alice still very much believes in maintaining a certain image), he was now the one who couldn’t meet her eyes. She avoids parts of campus where she might see so much as an image of him outside what she has to, and it is clear to anyone who meets her that she is still on her mother’s side after the divorce. At this point in her life, as she prepares to graduate undergrad, all Alice wants is to move forward – with her education, her past, and the people who truly mean something to her.

BABY, THERE'S NO OTHER SUPERSTAR

Alice prefers to keep her dark hair long, very rarely tying it back or doing much in the way of putting it up. She is rarely seen without at least a touch of blush and mascara, always wanting to be the picture of grace and charm. The same desire is reflected in her clothes –well fitted and stylish any time she goes out for any sort of reason, donned almost exclusively in either neutral or light shades. She has two tattoos, both small and hidden enough to hide so as to keep herself looking prim and proper. There’s a tattoo of the four cardinal directions in black ink on her left shoulder and a lotus flower on her right ankle.

YOU KNOW THAT I'LL BE YOUR PAPARAZZI