#pri tea

I barely slept at night and woke up quite early in the morning to watch her leave. The truth is I don't think I love her.

Atleast, not anymore.

But, I did.

5 year old me would cry when I had to leave their house when summer vacation would end. 9 year old me, whispered in her ear — the name of my crush. We giggled together. Invented games that we played together. Danced together. I remember talking about the most random things in her room and the old air con would stop all of a sudden and we would all sigh, then laugh. I remember these moments in bits and today I am clutching them all so close to my heart because I realized as I watch her leave that our childhood had truly come to an end.

I just wanted to be liked,

even if it was fleeting and brief.

I wish you giggled thinking about me,

and I wish I spent my night awake dreaming of you with my eyes wide open.

I wish I was able to know what affection felt like even if it was withdrawn too quickly.

Maybe I just wanted to be seen for once,

as the girl you meet in the corner of the library, picking up the same book as you.

An eye contact. A quiet smile. A polite nod.

Maybe I just wanted to be known for once,

crossing your mind occasionally when you saw something that reminded you of me.

Maybe I just so badly wanted to be asked about for once.

My name a whisper arising from your lips, as you speak in hush and ask about me.

Maybe, I just wanted to held for once. My body flushed against yours in an embrace even if it was temporary.

Maybe I just ached to be called pretty.

The word clinging to your lips with hesitation but your heart fluttering when you say it to me.

Maybe I just wanted to be liked.

Even if it was for once.

I hate how love consumes me

I love how it engulfs me.

I hate how I care so much.