#pretavent

I've livedin this particular apphere for 3 years and have been noticing a steady decline of my health. I found myself spending more time outside or at folks house(sometimes too long honestly) than home. I'm really confused at the time and my joints have been getting worse. I found myself struggling to dance too! AND I LOVE DANCING!! It's been weighing so so so heavily on me and after having a chat with an old neighbor who told me she felt better after moving out I find myself in an obvious state of illness. MOLD TOXICITY IS NO JOKE!!

I know that everyone is here figuring it out for the first time as well.

That doesn't make me feel better.

The only one who knows best is God. No planning, plotting, or thinking.

Just feeling and doing. Chronically present even through disappointment and despair.

Tired, tired, tired...

It's so easy to lose yourself in a momentum of things. Especially with depression.

Our birthday went OKAY. Just OKAY. There were a lot of people saying all these plans only for something else to come up. I'm not mad though because I didn't really plan anything either. This year in particular has had my people jaded and EXHAUSTED!!

And with a grain of salt I say that my friend groups need to be analyzed. "Are these connections I want to be in and associate myself with?" Do they care about me the way I care about them? Do they have the strength to handle things?" I need to really ponder this.

I fear never being loved enough

I fear never feeling romantic love

I fear being made a fool of

I fear being dramatic and exaggerated

I fear never being able to let go

I fear laughing in a empty room

I fear never having a telephone partner

I fear holding my breath

I fear never knowing what it's like to breathe

I fear knowing what's wrong

I fear not knowing enough

I fear knowing when to leave

I fear looking up

I fear looking down

I see fear when I look around

I find myself surrounded by people who don't really fuck with me. Like they speak with underlying feelings and insecurity.

Me showing up as (imo) all people should - with authenticity - has put 2 targets on my back. 1. those that vibe, vibe 2. Those that don't don't.

You can sit there FUMING over me being a burnt out gifted kid while I sit here ACTIVELY practicing emotional regulation. Please continue to EMBARRASS yourself. I love to see weak ass bitches struggle because they think they can bulldoze over everyone else. Next thing you know you're completely alone with your self-fulfilling prophecy and I'm sun bathing in my sunroom attached to my house with a loving ma and 3 kits on the way. Living my best life.

There are so many people SO MANY PEOPLE praising me for doing the work that they NEED to be doing. At first it felt nice to have my effort acknowledged - and it still is - but the more I hear it the more I see just how many other people aren't doing anything. They wallow in their self-pity and pessimism then wonder why they have reaccuring issues

Hindsight is one hell of a drug.

I had been podering over this man for a couple weeks but the pattern resembled my last relationship. Not violent or abusive but inconsistent. Repeating platonic too that hurt my heart. Time to let go.

Cus I'm like truly the type id connect to is someone I see on a frequent\recurring basis. I would be IMMEDIATELY allowed to have a flowing conversation regardless of the distance.

Spirit is delightfully crafty. Hiding a proper suitor amongst the other suitors. Handling me with patience and care. The confusion I entered by my own accord(consciously or not) squeezed me through an uncomfortable tunnel that came to a burst of clarity. I learned a lot about myself yet again. In said birst of clarity I was told to check my alt account on insta and do some... Scorpio Sleuthing.. and followed his account. We participate in the same hobby that meets up fairly regularly so we'll see.

Something I haven't felt like doing in a while.

It scares me...

The feelings that bubble up

Perceived disappointment, rejection, embarrassment.

I don't know if I should run with the pressure or run away from it.