Jul 28, 2019
[...] to give everything for the sake of life and of living men—in that way we can show that “real generosity toward the future lies in giving all to the present.”
Herbert Read in the forward of Albert Camus’ The Rebel
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[...] to give everything for the sake of life and of living men—in that way we can show that “real generosity toward the future lies in giving all to the present.”
Herbert Read in the forward of Albert Camus’ The Rebel
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I'm going to try to take a little more time to focus on the here and now
"I am not afraid by my future, I live my present without thoughts, I try to live every day how If it is the last"
Everyone looks back to the past, to see how far they’ve come, and how they’ve changed. It’s healthy, but also brings a different sort of perspective. Tonight, or this morning, was my day to look back.
I was feeling rather nostalgic, so I thought, “Why not look at old websites? How much have a truly changed?” I’ll be the first to admit, 8th-9th grade, fucking sucked, to put it simply. I mean, I just observed over 100+ anonymous messages, that once attacked me. It could’ve been friends, or it could’ve been a handful of people that just didn’t like me and my group of friends. Along with recalling all the times that I was verbally bullied, even if it wasn’t to my face, but I overheard it. Regardless of who it could’ve been, the thing is, it doesn’t matter anymore.
At the time, it might’ve hurt a little or a lot, I honestly to not remember. I mean, I’m not 14 anymore, the way I look at life, and what people think and say are a lot different than what I could’ve thought 4 years ago. My speech has greatly improved however, mental maturity as well, self-confidence, and self-esteem as well. It may sound cocky, but everyone needs self-esteem and self-confidence. If not real, than a façade of self-esteem and self-confidence.
If I were to go back, I would tell myself what I think and know now. So, it wouldn’t affect me the way it did, I could’ve been someone completely different. I’m not lying to myself, I know I’m heavily overweight, I’m not the best looking person, to some I could be revolting. What if I would be the complete opposite, if I had taken a different perspective back then? Who knows, and I’ll never know.
What I do know, is that unless you care a lot about what’s going to become of yourself or your life, nothing is going to change. My worst weight was 235-240, that means since 8th grade I had gone up 80 lbs in a 2-year span. However, the last two years, I’ve lost 40 of it, and I’m continuing to lose more and more. I’m proud of myself, and I’m not ashamed to admit how badly I became. This doesn't just include weight and appearance. It's also about the direction of your life.
My entire high school career, I told myself that I was not going to go to college. That it was worthless, a waste of money, and I could have a decent life without it. Somewhere along my last few months of my senior year, a realization hit, I applied for college, applied for financial aid, and I'm starting this Fall semester. I have no idea where my life is going to go, but that's the journey I'm going to have to take. It's going to be extremely stressful, excessively exhausting, and a hurricane of other emotions. Due to the people I'm going to be forced to meet, forced to work with, etc, but that's life and I'm going to have to put up with it, to see what happens in the long run. But I'm also terribly excited to start college :)!