#preeeow

It had (predictably) started with a feeling. 

Dirk had been chatting with Hobbs about a new aspect to the case he’d begun to consider, excited and unable to keep a grin off his face at the Sheriff’s equally enthusiastic attitude toward the entire idea, when he’d felt a small…something, a sensation creeping eerily along the back of his neck, and had turned around to face it head on, his brow furrowed in concern and his shoulders already tensing in preparation for an altercation. 

To his surprise, he’d found nothing out of the ordinary. Only Farah and Todd huddled closely together in the corner of the room where he’d seen them last (they seemed to do this a fair bit, and Dirk had forced himself to ignore the prickle of…something he felt every time he noticed it, reminding himself firmly that the two had spent a good deal of time together over the past couple months (looking for him, no less), and were liable to have grown somewhat close). This aside, it was simply Farah and Todd as he had left them, Farah nodding stoically as if they were discussing something of grave importance (or, Dirk conceded, she could just always appear to be thinking that way), and Todd–

Todd glancing away, his bright blue eyes (bouncing spectacularly off of the color of the ridiculous forest ranger shirt he was wearing) wide and luminous, having been trained unnervingly in Dirk’s direction for a long moment before he blinked and turned away hastily, nodding slightly and seeming to throw himself full-force back into paying attention to whatever Farah was saying. 

(If the unamused brow Farah raised in response was anything to go by, he’d failed quite terribly at this).

Dirk had frowned a bit, but watched Todd another minute (hoping that the other man might notice and return his gaze, therefore answering some of the questions he could feel beginning to take shape in his mind) before turning dejectedly back to Hobbs when his attempts proved to be unsuccessful, attempting desperately to regain his prior enthusiasm and put the brief interaction behind him. 

The occurrence, however (to Dirk’s (quite confusing) mixture of delight and confusion), wasn’t a one-time thing, he was soon to find out. 

He began noticing Todd’s insistent gaze landing and lingering on him in the most confusing and inopportune moments. When they were out inspecting different leads for the case, for example, and Dirk could feel himself becoming very near to a Lead, the Universe tugging excitedly at that space within his chest that let him know that something was nearing, he would suddenly find himself drawn back to reality, distracted by the increasingly familiar prickling sensation at the back of his neck. 

Each time, he would turn, his gaze seeking out Todd almost immediately, a question already forming itself onto his lips. And, each time, Todd would glance away hastily, his cheeks occasionally staining a (thoroughly distracting) pink as he hastily busied himself with something else, firmly ignoring Dirk’s questioning gaze. 

Occasionally, Dirk was granted the opportunity to begin voicing the question that so badly wanted to escape him, when he felt that gaze. Sometimes, he caught Todd soon enough, locking their gazes and ignoring the tingle of guilt he could feel at the back of his mind at Todd’s completely startled and shaken expression. “Todd?” he would murmur on these occasions, raising his brows as his chest tightened in anticipation. 

Most times, Todd would simply shake his head mutely before glancing away again, and the moment would pass, Dirk left watching in barely concealed longing as Todd exited the general vicinity hastily (though not for long. Never for long), his hands stuffed deeply and petulantly into the pockets of his Too Large uniform trousers. 

Sometimes, however, the smaller man seemed pause, an unidentifiable array of emotions flickering briefly over his face as he seemed to study Dirk warily. “I–” he’d begin on these occasions, seeming to hesitate (Dirk’s pulse speeding a little in hope) before he simply shrugged. “It’s nothing, Dirk.” On these occasions, however, he would stay. A warm and soft and constant presence at Dirk’s side.

(Unwavering).

However, in predictable, typical fashion, Dirk was unable to keep his silence for long. Once he’d begun to notice the behavior, he found it was difficult to stop himself from noticing it, and it was beginning to become a bit more…distracting than he’d originally anticipated. 

(Especially from the case at hand, something a lot of people’s expectations seemed to suddenly be riding upon, and something he was doing his very best to avoid thinking about too closely, for fear of the continued tightening in his chest becoming unbearable, potentially even unmanageable–a potential he couldn’t afford to consider, right now).

The breaking point came as they were wearily trekking back into Hobbs’s small home after a particularly grueling day (Hobbs having told them that he needed to pick up some groceries, and that he’d “meet up with you guys later! Get some sleep.”), made up of a lot of “leads” that had, in reality, led to nowhere. Dirk himself was feeling particularly discouraged over the entire ordeal, especially as it had been he himself listening to one of his “hunches” that had begun the entire, unproductive day in the first place.

“It’s– It’ll all make sense soon, I’m sure!” Todd was saying toeing off his sneakers and shooting Dirk a small smile, his tone high and tight with the forced enthusiasm. “Today was a good lead. And tomorrow–”

“Tomorrow what?” Dirk interrupted as he spun around to face the man, his tone less irritated than he’d anticipated, and a lot more weary. “What, Todd?” 

“I–It–” Todd stuttered, his expression faltering briefly into something smaller, more fragile (more like he’d been more comfortable displaying when they’d first met, Dirk thought with an internal wince of guilt), before solidifying back into that steady determination. “It’ll all make sense! We–You just need some rest.” 

“I doubt very much that rest has to do with anything.” Dirk muttered offhandedly, even then turning and beginning to strip himself for sleep, ignoring the weak voice at the back of his mind reminding him that Todd was right there. “We could rest for weeks–multiple weeks, Todd! And I doubt we could solve this one.”

“Don’t say that.” Todd commanded, immediately, and Dirk could tell by the soft shuffle from behind that he had moved forward slightly. “We will solve it. Together!” 

Dirk snorted derisively. “I doubt that.” he tossed over his shoulder, his fingers freezing on the buttons of his shirt when the iciness behind the words caught up with him entirely. 

He heard Todd’s soft intake of breath, and felt more than heard him take another soft, hesitant step closer. “Why are you being like this?” he finally murmured, his voice low and tentative in the quickly darkening evening dusk. “Why are you so determined that none of this is gonna work?” 

Dirk inhaled a sharp, shallow breath. “Because!” he tensed before turning to face Todd again. “Because…what if it’s not? What if all these leads, everything we’re working for, Todd. What if it’s all just a– a dead end?” he bit his lip sharply, forcing himself to ignore the persistent stinging behind his eyes. 

Todd blinked, the small worry lines between his brows deepening as his eyes flitted over Dirk’s face. “It isn’t.“ he insisted, his tone remaining sturdy and even, even now. “It’s not a dead end. I know this, Dirk. I know you. You can do this! I know you can.”

Dirk swallowed thickly. “Todd–” he began. 

“Don’t doubt yourself.” Todd interrupted, taking a small step forward. “That isn’t how any of this is gonna be achieved. You have to keep trying!”

“Why are you being like this?” Dirk blurted, before he could stop the words, grateful for the opportunity to draw the conversation away from his own shortcomings and downfalls. “So–So–Like this?”

“I–“ Todd made a face, his brow screwing further in confusion. “Like what?” 

“Don’t play dumb, Todd, it really doesn’t suit you.” Dirk dismissed, quirking a small smile at the irritated expression Todd shot him. 

“I don’t–“ Todd heaved a sigh, the breath ghosting over Dirk’s collarbones, reminding the latter sharply of just how close they suddenly were, in the thick silence of the room. “I believe in you.” Todd murmured, finally, his voice gone quiet and crackly and unexpectedly fragile. “I’ve seen what you say is true actually happen. This–” he swallowed thickly. “This has all gotta mean something….Doesn’t it?”

“Todd,” Dirk began, his chest tightening at how Todd’s gaze had dropped to the floor. “Are you…frightened?” 

“N–Ye–” Todd hesitated, his gaze flickering up again to study Dirk’s expression hesitantly. “Not of you.” he finally replied, the words slow and tentative, like he had to force himself to offer the admission. “Not…out of doubt. I just–”

“You’re frightened.” Dirk concluded, exhaling slowly before propelling himself into taking another step forward, one hand rising to rest gently on Todd’s elbow. “It’s alright, Todd.”

Todd inhaled sharply at the contact, looking almost as if he was about to draw away before the moment passed. “I just–”

“The disease?” Dirk guessed, his throat tightening dangerously with the thought.

“Yeah,” Todd breathed, letting his eyes fall closed for a moment, his brow tightening. “And–and Amanda…” 

“It’s going to be okay.” Dirk soothed, immediately. “I know it–It seemed like a lot. I know you’re afraid. But–”

“Dirk,” Todd interrupted, his eyes reopening as he shot Dirk a somewhat pleading expression.

“But it’s going to be alright. It’s okay to be scared.” Dirk inhaled another steadying breath. “Me–Me too, Todd.” 

Todd huffed a small, humorless laugh. “I know,” he nodded a little, one of his own hands reaching up to grip at Dirk’s elbow. “I know.” 

They both fell silent, the admissions crackling between them for a long moment. 

“I–” Dirk spoke, before he could even fully register the urge to speak, yet somehow unwilling to leave things hanging there, all the same. It seemed to be a moment for admissions, he reminded himself, and he didn’t want to allow the moment to pass without voicing his thoughts. “I’ve seen…the way you’ve been looking at me. When you think I don’t notice.” 

Todd tensed, his expression shuttering a bit. “I–” he shot Dirk a perplexed expression. “It’s noth–”

“No!” Dirk cried, before he could stop the interruption, his hand tightening on Todd’s elbow. “No more! You’ve been feeding me that same excuse for days, Todd! I–I need to…” he trailed off, suddenly much less assured in his argument than he had been, moments ago. 

Todd froze a little, his elbow tugging slightly against Dirk’s hold, before he seemed to come to some private conclusion within himself, and raised his eyes to meet Dirk’s again. 

“I just–” he began, coughing a little, “You’re here.” 

“What?” Dirk cocked his head and furrowed his brow in confusion, his face splitting into a small, bemused grin. “Of course I’m here, Todd! I’ve been–”

“No,” It was Todd’s turn to interrupt, “You’re like…here. You haven’t–Haven’t been and now, suddenly…” he paused, his face screwing up into some unidentifiable emotion. “And now…Yeah.” 

Things clicked a little further for Dirk. He took another step forward, raising his unoccupied hand to grip at Todd’s other elbow, and offered a small, encouraging smile. “I’m not going to go anywhere.” he murmured, firmly ignoring the nagging voice at the back of his mind calling him out on the lie.

“How can you be sure?” Todd demanded, his exterior cracking a bit further to reveal a desperate, doubtful expression.

“If–” Dirk faltered, and tightened his grip, swallowing against the lump forming in his throat and steeling himself before leaning forward to press his forehead against Todd’s, his eyes fluttering closed at the contact. “If you believe so steadfastly in me, Todd Brotzman? I’m asking you to believe this.”

And, though Dirk couldn’t see him, he could hear Todd inhale something suspiciously close to a hiccupping, shuddering breath, his own hands raising to grip both of Dirk’s elbows tightly. “You–” the smaller man began, pressing impossibly closer, his nose bumping comfortably against Dirk’s. “Okay, Dirk.” he whispered, his breath ghosting tantalizingly over Dirk’s lips (Not now, Dirk reminded himself fiercely). “Okay.”

“Todd,” Dirk began, only to be interrupted by the sound of a car door shutting outside the home.

The two of them froze, drawing back slightly to study each other’s faces with matched remorseful expressions, before pulling away entirely when the unmistakable sound of Hobbs’s footsteps on the front walk filtered into their shared silence. 

“You guys still awake?” Hobbs called as he opened the front door, arms laden down with grocery bags as he eyed them both with a bemused expression. “Thought you’d both be dead to the world.” 

“Just!” Dirk cleared his throat a bit. “Just getting ready, Sheriff!“

And, just like that, the moment passed. Todd drew away entirely, disappearing into the back bathroom to change into his pajamas and leaving Dirk to morosely prepare for bed on his own. 

They didn’t speak again until Dirk was soundly buried beneath the covers of his small nest of blankets in the corner, curled into a tight ball, his gaze remaining firmly trained on where he knew Todd was curled, awake, on the sofa across the room. 

“Todd–” Dirk began, again, unsure of how he should continue, but determined, nonetheless. 

“I know, Dirk.” Todd’s voice filtered through the darkness, soft and small and (to Dirk’s slight disappointment) somewhat defeated. “Let’s just–You need to sleep.” 

“Right,” Dirk replied, nodding and swallowing past his suddenly tight throat. “You too. Goodnight, Todd.” 

Silence was his only answer, and Dirk swallowed again before turning to face the wall, listening to Todd faking sleep across the room, his breaths low and decidedly even, and willed himself to give in to the exhaustion gripping his very bones and sleep–however short-lived that relief might be. 

Things were moving forward, he reminded himself. They’d made…something close to progress. Things were okay.