#practice self-love

YOU CAN BOOP YOURSELF

“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving everything that wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits – anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.”    ~ Kim McMillen Most of us are so busy waiting for someone to love us that we’ve forgotten about the one person we need to love first—ourselves. While we’re caught up…

Sometimes, even when you think you’re in a really good place emotionally, you randomly start crying while cuddled up with a really sweet, wonderful guy. And you yourself are confused as to why it’s happening (Oh my god, am I crying? What the heck, why am I crying?!  Quick! Stop before anyone notices! WHAT IS HAPPENING OH GOD) , trying in vain to hold back the tears, hoping that he won’t notice and will simply think you’re tired or that your eyes are itchy or whatever.

Sometimes, he still notices because - UH, EXCUSE ME? - you are silently crying against his chest… like,  his face is right near your face - no amount of vision impairment can help you now.

Sometimes, when you try to explain why you’re crying out of nowhere, it doesn’t make any sense, even to yourself.

You try to make sense of the strange anxiety that is streaming out of your tear ducts, and you get nervous and fidgety and physically hot knowing that someone else is watching you - calmly,  yes,  but probably a little bit more confused than you are. You try to look at anything except for his face because holy crap, you are crazy,  what is happening?

You realize that maybe some negative thoughts carried themselves over from a past toxic relationship because, even though you have no reason to feel like you’re coming off as overbearing/needy/clingy, you still can’t shake the feeling that you are. And you worry that this person you are coming to like very much will decide that they can’t remember anything they liked about you in the first place - DEAR LORD THIS GIRL IS CRAZY AND NEEDS TO GIVE ME SOME SPACE. (Okay, brain,  take it easy. I’m like… really great!)

You realize that dating a new person that you like a lot will put you in a constant state of vulnerability and that is scary. Scaaaaary. No more feelings,  shut down the feelings! ((I am a rock,  I am an island! I have no need for friendship,  friendship causes pain! It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain! … A rock feels no pain! An island never cries!))

But you try to think about it rationally, based on consistent positive exchanges, and come to wonder instead how a person can be so incredibly sweet and caring and thoughtful to you all the time because it’s only been a month and a half and he’s already proven to treat you nicer than anyone you’ve ever dated.  And why does that feel so foreign?

That’s sad that a person treating you so well is so significant that it moves you to anxiety-ridden tears. Can you acknowledge that? That’s very sad, you deserve to be treated nicely of course. And showing feelings/ vulnerability and expressing wants/needs is NORMAL. I mean, well, it’s not really normal to start randomly crying during quiet cuddle time, but it’s okay if that happens sometimes too. You are human and you are more strangely complex than even you might understand before you stop breathing one day. Let the feels come and let the feels go. Try to understand them, and try to share them because people want to understand and relate to you.