"I hope you read this and it puts a big ole derpy smile on your adorable face"
February 26, 2013
I've apologized time and time again. Not just for the big things, not just for the things I know you wanted an apology for, but for every single thing I've realized I've done wrong. I've even apologized for not laughing at your extremely predictable and un-humorous jokes. You don't accept any of my apologies because you are so "resentful" of everything that has to do with me considering everything that has gone on. Please, don't be that way. If you let go of that anger, I know for fact that your viewpoints would change, and I know that with that other things would be changing as well.
Did you know that with literally every single thing I do, I always think about you? When I'm out with my friends in a large social gathering of smiling faces, underlying drama, and secret highs I cannot force myself to have a good time because the thought of what you would be doing, how much better of a time I'd be having, and how you'd react to the atmosphere if you were there is too much. When I'm sitting at home with family, or even by myself, I always think back to when you were a part of my family and it makes me think of how you'd be reacting to the atmosphere if you were there. When I'm at school sitting at the end of the cafeteria table in my lonesome with familiar faces passing by and not acknowledging me, sophomore year when we pretended to fight our feelings and junior year when your comforting hand was on my thigh makes me think of how you'd be reacting to the atmosphere if you were there. When I'm showering or sitting in the bath, when I'm in the car with someone, when I'm shopping for anything, when I'm deciding what to order, when I'm giving into the subconscious sleep state... I am always thinking about how different, how much better it would be if only you were there. With that disgusting feeling that I cannot escape from comes another equally upsetting thought: I beat myself up, literally, love, for being the cause of all of this. I've accepted everything that I did wrong, which was a lot, and I offered you my sincere apologies. Maybe it wasn't enough, but I hope that someday it will be. People are constantly throwing in my face that I treated you so badly, and though I once disagreed I can understand where they're coming from and I want to make up for it, and, moreover, they're constantly reminding me I am the only one to blame for feeling so lonely and targeted. What the worst part is, is that in the midst of me trying to move on like you've commanded of me, multiple people have pulled the "I know why she ran out on you" card. You'll probably never understand how badly that cuts until or unless you realize how badly the things you've said to me hurt me. It always sounds so over-dramatic when I say it, but, literally nothing is getting better. Since the day you made this decision final and official, literally everything has gotten worse. I won't go into detail, because that's not what this is about, but let me just give you a summary: Alex died, I sit alone at lunch, I'm failing all of my classes, you're smoking weed, I'm losing friends, you're losing your heart... I want to fix this. I know that I can. I know I have it in me to fix you and I and our relationship, but I can't do that unless you let me, so let me clarify what I mean. I want to fix the way things are. I want to have friends, and fun, and love, and reasons to smile. I want to make up for things that I owe to you and to other important people. I need to make things better, for you, for me, for everyone; mostly me, I guess.
I have learned more in these passed 71 days than I have in my entire life. I'm not typing this because I'm bored, because I want people to feel bad for me, because I want to get it out. I'm typing it because I want you and everyone else who reads it to know that you were right; we did maybe start this all at the wrong time, but now, lovely, I'm ready in the way that you wanted me to be. I know what I want, I know how to treat people, I know how to love and how to love myself. I am ready, finally. I hope you read this, and part of you is ready to accept that and maybe even eventually give me a chance to prove it to you because I cannot picture my life without anyone else by my side, no matter how hard I try, and I really hope that the ring I picked out doesn't entirely go to waste.
I opened my heart and life up to God because the most Christian person I know told me that I have to. I leave this here with hopes that the stars, the clouds, and the higher power you used to speak to me of brings you back to me in whatever way you're meant to, soon.
